Wednesday, August 19, 2009

#64 Weddings

So, it’s been a few weeks since the #50 bachelor party and although you paid the strippers like $500 to bang your so-called “bro” he wouldn’t go through with it. For some reason he was so fucking brainwashed by his fiancée that he forgot what being a bro is all about. You’ve spent the last two weeks trying your best to sabotage his impending crime against nature to no avail. You’ve done it all – rubbed lipstick all over your bro’s collar, called the house at 3 am breathing into the phone if his fiancée picked up, and even made a fucking badass photo shop making it look like he is making out with one of the Olsen twins. Nothing worked. Goddamn bitch saw right through that shit. As you lay there in bed the night before the rehearsal dinner, you realize it’s time to capitalize on this situation. Sure your bro may be committing bro-suicide, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a fucking amazing time. Fuck the bride, it’s time to make this wedding the greatest day of your life.

Over the past few years, I have made quite a few impressions on the families of bride and groom – and quite frankly, I wouldn’t say they were the best impressions. The greatest thing about weddings is that nobody gives a fuck. What the fuck do you think is going to happen when you have an open bar and invite a bro? Fucking Magic, that’s what. Now for a few ways bros capitalize on this occasion to ensure the most important guests have the time of their life – themselves.

Open Bar – Honestly, this may be bros’ favorite part of any wedding. Bros do get mad though if they find out that only Beer and Wine are being served. “What the fuck kind of shit wedding is this?” and “How cheap can you fucking get?” are two common reactions. Bros then have to make up for not being able to slam mixed drinks by double fisting brews all night long. If there is liquor available, you better believe bros are getting shots going. Bros love weddings because it gives them the opportunity to get free shots with every group of people there. You got to get a shot with the Bride and Grooms Parents, the bridal party, the groomsmen, the bride and groom, the flower girl, etc. Also, the older the group taking a shot with you, the more bro points you get. If you can do shots with a group of people in wheel chairs who can’t even eat solid food, you may have what it takes to be a bro king.

“Plus One” – If you a bro in the wedding, chances are that there is going to be an extra invitation for your date. Bros see this shit and fucking laugh. If bros are bringing anyone, its going to be the #37 DOFF since the bride has probably forbade him from coming, thus he didn’t get an invite. Seriously, why would you ever bring sand to the beach? Much like slam pieces make the excuse, “I’m only in College once,” every day during their four years for being a whore, bridesmaids justify their slam piece status by claiming, “(Bride/Bro Murderer) will only get married once!” which is probably a lie. Bridesmaids are all fair game at a wedding. It may be difficult if her boyfriend/husband is in attendance, but if he’s not – please, she’ll be yours by the time the band plays the “Shout” encore.

The Speech – Often the “Dead Bro Walking” will cop out and get someone like their brother or father to be his best man. This is because he knows they will not only support his decision to get married – but they will also deliver a heart felt speech that even their 100 year old Great Aunt Edna will enjoy. However, every once in awhile, they pick a bro to be the best man. While every best man speech mixes in humor with a couple lines of some bullshit lie about how the bride is the greatest thing to ever happen to him, bros go straight for the jugular and just say funny shit for like 10 minutes. Bros love to talk about all the slam pieces the groom used to bang. Usually bros think they are making veiled references, when in fact most people actually know what “nailed a shitload of chicks” really means. Bros also love talking about themselves and how they are still single and how awesome it is. This lets all the slam pieces know what the fucking deal is. It’s best to just stare down the sluttiest looking bridesmaid the entire speech. This will make her feel special (she is not) and after you are through with what was probably the greatest speech in history outside of Jim Valvano at the ESPYs, tell her to meet you in the coat closet in 10 minutes. Slam pieces fucking love coat closets.

45 comments:

Anonymous said...

bros are the shit.

Suck it said...

This also gives bros a great opportunity for #29 grinding. Not only can you grind on regular slam pieces, but also on just about anyone else who dares to enter your space on the dance floor. The best are the mom or aunts of the bride and the crème de le crème the bride's older unmarried sister who's d bag date just watches you put it in her ass all night.

Shaquille bro'neil said...

Nyb - ha the "flower girl"

sometimes bros get there before the hair

Ivan DragBro said...

While I agree with most of the bro shit that gets posted in the comments section, I gotta say that Mr' Bro'neil is pretty messed up. While bros can sometimes be called for "statuatory rape" (what am I supposed to do, card every slampiece? How am I supposed to know she was only 17, she had a rack that would put Jessica Simpson to shame) that "there before the hair" shit is sick. Shaquille bro'neil, NAMBLA called, looks like your yearly dues are up.

Anonymous said...

If there's no grass on the field just play in the mud

bros rule

Shaquille bro'neil said...

Ivan

Nah they are on my auto bill pay. Thanks for the reminder and lack of humor bromo

Henri said...

Hipsters are so much cooler than bros! We actually appreciate the beauty of weddings: an eternal commitment of love between soulmates. And girls like that we don't smell like stale beer and vomit. Grow up bros!

~Henri

Anonymous said...

i thought comment moderation was on so that stupid fucking nancy pelosi loving hipster faggots like henri wouldn't be able post here

hey henri, here's an idea - go fellate a hot curling iron you piece of shit.

ballsack said...

who else fucking hates that this site is now blocked at work? say I

Bronan the Barbarian said...

It's banned at my work too. For the aforementioned post, well played.

Mr. Brojangles said...

fuck henri..fuck nancy pelosi (bigger bro hater than clinton).. long live bros!

Brony Montana said...

i think the shit that bro'neal said was funny bc it was obviously a joke...but on that note...shaquille bro'neal is the biggest fucking poser on this site. First of all, in the Vegas post...ur a fucking liar when you said "i let a chick throw the dice for me, then i won $400 and banged her" this is a dead lie bc as any true bro knows, the fucking giant pit bosses will not only not let anyone else touch the dice, you can not even close your fist or touch them with two hands. youve probably never been to vegas or in a casino ir ur lifetime

lie #2- in fantasy football,, "we are flying to new york and getting a penthouse suite for our draft" this is more bullshit...even if you could afford a plane ticket or a suite, this is not a bro move. this is a fucking dork move. while fantasy drafts are awesome, they are by no means worth spending more on a fucking plane ticket and hotel than the whole pot of the season is just retarded. you are likely only in yahoo public leagues for free and you still fucking lose.

come back on this site when you arent a fucking liar...you have been exposed and now lost all bro credibility in everyones eyes

Shaquille bro'neil said...

Ha it's worth a plane ticket to hang with ur bros. Every Tre broS. Eeryone knows a live draft is far cooler. So why not.

Vegas when u give the girls your chips they are free to roll the dice you idiot.

Get back to bro hater town

Edgar Allen Bro said...

Bros Please! Let us refrain from fighting amongst ourselves. Bras and Bro-haters are the enemy, not fellow bros.

Bronald Reagan said...

Bros why the fuck is there an ad for twogrooms.com below this post?

Brodacious said...

So many bro elements can be incorporated into a good wedding blowout...the most recent one I attended we had a pregame before going; drank countless shots, grinded on slam pieces and sang "Sweet Caroline" at the reception; stole and broke shit before getting kicked out; drove drunk back to the after party at my bro's bro pad and proceeded to crush a bunch more drinks before reaching blackout mode.

Waking up the next morning on a couch in my bro's basement, my inner Sherlock Brolmes had to piece together the rest of the night's events...the lipstick on my junk led me to deduce that I must have gotten some dome from a slam piece (possibly a Cougar) before passing out. The puddle on the floor near the couch was pretty solid evidence of an inappropriate blackout piss. Elementary, my dear Watson.

Weddings are fucking awesome.

Anonymous said...

Bro. That wasn't lipstick....

Brodacious said...

Good one. But based on the color, the only other option was the dreaded period blood...however, there was no other evidence to support that theory since that shit stinks to high heaven and it gets everywhere.

It can be difficult to re-trace one's steps after blackout mode...but let's all remember that bros are fucking smart as shit.

Brovado said...

The other thing about weddings is you can upgrade slam pieces like nothing. I upgraded twice at this wedding in July, but due to the wrath of the second slam piece who i tried to sexile out of her room, I was forced to take the maid of honor to pound town on the elevator floor of a best western. it made sense at the time.

Henri, I hope you get dragged naked through a cactus patch by a bus with your mouth over the exhaust pipe you hipster fuck. put on a dress, pussy.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like Henri didn't get a bid- what a tool.

Anonymous said...

NYB--fuckin' dig the site, bro. I'm headed to a wedding over Labor Day Weekend and I'm gonna chase the muff around until I find a worthy slam-piece whose sole desire in the world is to get her guts mashed up in the coat closet. Slam pieces lose at least 10 IQ points at weddings, leaving them with at least 15.

One thing I'd like to add. I'm a member of what is possibly the most Bro organization on the planet: the US Marine Corps. Think about it. The USMC is like 90% bros. Minimal amount of bra logic and bro-hating. We're basically professional bros. We get paid to jack steel, drink protein, break shit, set shit on fire, and kill the worst bro-haters of all, the Taliban. Then on the weekend we go out and tell bras about all the bro shit we do. Bros fuckin rock.

Bro in Chicago said...

The 'Henri' commented was most obviously posted by some cunt bra. No parents would spell a dude's name with an i instead of a y. Then again, the reason why 'Henri' is a hipster fuck is because he was repeatedly forced to blow his dad as young child.

A week ago I was out with my bros and some hipster got in the way of my bro, so he just jacked him in the fucking face right then and there, leaving his pussy ass on the sidewalk. Bros are the shit. Hipsters can all go get AIDS from fucking each other in the ass.

Bro(n) Jeremy said...

It's all about the open bar. As for hipsters; they are just bitter because they didn't get bids or dropped pledging because they got hazed. Henri go watch The panty hose and periods channel because you are a bitch just like the intended audiance
ihsv

Brodham said...

Henri you are so right, nothing says I’m cool like walking around smelling and looking like a fucking homeless schizophrenic. Bros, we should grow up like hipsters; I really respect how you’re making it on your own now that mommy and daddy cut your allowance to a 1000 a week. Take a good look at http://www.latfh.com to see what an ugly, useless joke your kind is. Bros bang what they want and hipsters fuck hipsters, because no one else will.

Bros, I don’t know if he made it through comment monitoring, but I’m a big fan of leaving it off. I don’t want the live in a world where Henri doesn’t know he should eat a pistol.

Zack Brorris said...

I was at a wedding last year, and being a bro was the first one at the bar come reception time. After ordering my vodka and #43redbull, I was told this was a beer and wine only bar. After flipping out and telling the bartender this was the cheapest fucking wedding I've ever seen (my cousin's) while blatantly staring at her prominent rack, I proceeded to order two Bud Heavys. This wedding was full of bro haters as my cousin is much older and everyone there was fucking married, so I just stared at every potential wifed up slam piece i saw. After slamming back brews two at a time for about an hour, I decided to #23drive to the liquor store to pick up a bottle of vodka and red bull. By the time I got back a quarter of the bottle was demolished and I was halfway to broham.

By this time almost everyone at the reception was either looking at me or whispering and pointing. For some reason they didn't appreciate that I had two beers, 1 bottle of vodka, and a four pack of redbull in front of me and was #33lighting the stupid place settings at my table on fire. Sorry for being a fucking bro. Anyways, at 2/3 the way through the bottle I found myself eyefucking the shit out of this slam piece on the dance floor, who was for some reason dancing with one of the ugliest bro haters i'd ever seen. i stumbled my way to the dance floor and started #29 grinding up on the sp. turns out the bro hater was her husband, and needless to say asked what the fuck i thought i was doing. i replied by telling him it must take a lot of money for someone who looks like him to get a piece as hot as his wife, and that i was trying to save her the embarrassment of being seen with him. everyone on the dance floor was speechless, including the limp bro-hater who just stared at me with his mouth hanging open. i then realized there was still a third of my bottle left, and already bored with the hot married slam piece gave her a wink and walked back to continue drinking.

getting back to the table i put my aviator shades on (it was 8pm or so but bros do whatever makes them happy, and on the verge .25 blood alcohol level the shades pleased me) and continued to punish the vodka. at this point i was told the guy i insulted was the groom's boss (my cousin was the bride). to most people this would have made them stop drinking and go home, but bros are not most people. i finished the rest of the vodka, wrote my number on one of the charred place settings, gave it to the milf and told her to call me.

the rest of the night is a blur, but i managed to call my regular slam piece for a ride home (my bro hating uncle confiscated my keys) and woke up in her bed the next morning. i had the following text message from my cousin: "you are a complete jerk and alcoholic. (Husband's Name) had to go to his boss' house this morning to personally apologize for your actions last night. i should have never invited you, thanks for causing such a scene on the most important day of my life."

my response: "sorry for partying"

Rick BROtino said...

Brony montana. good name you cock roach. what bro credentials do you have bromo?

Freshly Made Broagie said...

I know I have the best wedding experiences.

I fuckin love weddings. My favorite thing to do is get wasted and hit on the sluts. Every wedding I've been to (a lot), I have pounded at least 3 slam pieces. I gave it to a slam piece on the dance floor at the reception before. Everyone loved it. I'm the biggest bro.

Once I pissed on the wedding cake, because the bride was fat. This was my way of letting her know- you are fat, don't eat cake. She got pissed. Dumb bitch. So I fucked her sister... in the butt... raw dog.

Another time there was a band with a female lead singer, so I pounded her as she was signing a song.

The last wedding I went to, I danced naked for 2 hours. The whores loved it. I did like 17 of them that day.

Another time the wedding sucked, so I got everyone to jump in the limo (we stole it) and we all went to a strip club and pounded strippers.

I've probably banged over 6,000 women in the last few years.

I went to one wedding where I got so hammered, I just straight up shit on the DJ's table. This got some people pissed, but like the bro that I am, I told them to shut up. LOL

Another time during the stupid picture shoot after the ceremony, I just in every picture completely naked. I refused to move or stop it, so I made them take the pictures that way. They published it on the front page of the newspaper.

My first wedding I ever went to had shitty food, so what did I do? I waited until the 1st table got up to get food and I flipped over all of the tables- throwing food all over the floor. Then I yelled FUCK U at everyone and ran out. On the way out I grabbed some old lady's tits in front of everyone.

I'm a BRO to the max.

Bro Fuckin Power, Motherfuckers

Browitz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Browitz said...

Why does everyone give Shaquille bro'neil a hard time?
Brony Montana seems a little jealous, you got a hard on thinking about all the cool shit he has done and all the shit you can only dream about doing???? I am going to NYC with Shaquille bro'neil and we doing fantasy football big this year, we'll spend more than your monthly paycheck for entry fees bra, get a good education, make money, then talk shit Brony Montana, I bet you're still in high school making minimum wage punk.

Anonymous said...

way to stick up for your boyfriend browitz you fucking fag

Shaquille bro'neil said...

Way to stick up for yourself "anonymous"

have down syndrome and can't create a name?

Gettin hate because we actually make money and enjoy spending it in bro ways. Not bro to hate on fellow bros that will be the ones giving you a job when you graduate college

broba chamberlain said...

#65 hitting on the fucking bartender - doing it right now they're the ultimate slam pieces

bilBRObaggins said...

i'm getting married in two weeks, fuck my life. sucks to see my bro era come to an end...is there a way a bro can be married and still be a bro? i doubt there is. bach party the night before the wedding, i'm going to end it on a good note.

Henri said...

Brodham-

Good point! Why in the world would any woman date a hipster when she could have a racist, homophobic, misogynist asshole like you? You're a pathetic alcoholic and would be nothing without your daddy's money. Bros are the reason why the rest of the world hates the United States.

~Henri

Freshly Made Broagies said...

I am currently across the country for a fantasy draft with my bros. We make it an all day event. We get strippers and get drunk as shit while we make our picks. I love being rich.

I bought a case of beer for each bro, for each round. We have 15 rounds. There are 12 bros in this league. So yes, I bought 180 cases of beer. Each of my bros and I will each drink 15 cases of beer today and then we will go out and drink more!

Instead of renting cars because we are out of town... I bought a car and one for each of my bros. I bought a fuckin hummer, i bought them vw bugs to be funny and make them look stupid, since those are the most retarded cars made.

I also bought a fuckin motorcycle... just to take one ride.

Hotel? No. I fuckin bought a mansion just to draft a fantasy football team. My neighbors bitched at me so what did I do? FUckin knocked over their houses with my hummer. Now they don't live there. I do what I want.

Last night my bros and I each went out. We brought back over 100 girls to my mansion. Each girl was a perfect 10. Each of them got pounded. I bet I did like 85 girls. Each time I did them for like an hour.

I really feel like I am the ultimate bro. So awesome.

BRO POWER RIGHT HURRRR

Last of the BROhicans said...

Freshly made Broagie you are truly a king among bro's. Your stories remind me of the time I showed up to a fellow bro's wedding to object during the vows. However, I got sidetracked when I found myself in the middle of a threesome with the bride's grandmother and the flower girl. Unfortunately the bro ultimately got married and lost bro status (although he continues to cheat with numerous slam pieces). Weddings are the shit. Bros are the shit.

Broski said...

Some of these comments are inane. The line, "Seriously, why would you ever bring sand to the beach," is in true bro fashion. I learned that the hard way. I went to a wedding last Friday and brought a date only to ditch her a fuck some hotter slam piece in her hotel room. The two girls hate eachother or I would have tried for the 3-way; that would have been bro-legendary if I pulled that off. No worries though I hit the slampiece I ditched at the wedding the next morning after I left the other girls hotel room on the way home... Took a shower and headed back downtown to keep the mini-bender, which had started that wednesday alive til sunday. Keep it real bro's.

Mark Wahlbro said...

I was at a wedding maybe 4 months ago, slamming beers trying to get fucked up. Being 6' 3'' and 300 pounds it takes nothing less than determination and pounding to get me drunk. After taking down ten in about an hour I decided to cut the pussy shit. Being only 18 the bartenders where told about my exploits and to not serve me hard shit. So I just whipped out the fake ID and told them to do their fucking jobs and get me 8 patron shots. 20 minutes and 5 beers later I decided to fuck shit up, because I'm a bro and love attention. First things first I gotta rip of the sleeves on my dress shirt. 40 minutes later I'm being dragged into a cab by 7 of my cousins after I attempted to fight the Valet for talking fucking shit. No regrets, if anything I made my cousins wedding bro-fucking-tastic.

Anonymous said...

Henri- go fuck yourself. If there were more bros the whole world would be a fucking party, whereas if fuck-up hippies ran the world everyone would kill themselves. Wouldn't want that shit on your conscience now would you? So do us all a fucking favor and never post anywhere near this site because you obviously are a fucking douche environment logic pussy. Fuck off.

Brony Montana said...

So my bro cousin decides to get married but the bride is a total bitch and makes sure there's no open bar. What the fuck? Prohibition has ended you fucking whore. Bros refuse to be sober for anything so we tailgated in the church parking lot for a few hours before the wedding. Because he still has traces of bro-ness flowing through his veins the groomed joined us in the tailgate. He got so fucked up that when the priest said "you may now kiss the bride" he fell into his wife and got a bloody nose. Fucking epic. I don't remember the reception because I was blacked out.

The Man With Bro Name said...

I banged the maid of honor at my older brother's wedding in San Diego when I was 19 (she was 30). During the rehearsal dinner, I was drinking a Mai Tai and she walks up drunk as shit, pulls the cocktail cherry out of my drink and says "Has anyone taken your cherry yet?" (great pun, bitch.)

I responded "Yes, but we could do a little roleplaying if that does it for you, honey."

Rawdogged her in her hotel room later that night. She was pretty good - needed to do a better job keeping the bush waxed though. She also banged another dude from the wedding two nights later. - total slamwhore. I think her name was Casey... or Kathy or something. Who gives a shit. Bro life.

Brorack Obama said...

What's the bro thing to do with a slam piece that has a kid? She wants to get involved.

Brovado said...

there's no such thing as a slam piece with a kid. there are ho's that used to be slam pieces but then they got knocked up by a bro and became tablescraps for guidos. In the words of the prophet Luda, "can't turn a ho into a house wife; ho's don't act right."

Brovado said...

PS If i found a magic lamp my first wish would be for Henri to have a magnetic head. Die hipster.

Anonymous said...

Henri,
Well first of all this is coming from a bra, everything your saying is just outrageous.
1. I'd much rather get with a bro than a hipster, knowing your type you'll probably want to sit around and talk about the environment like a pussy.
2. Nothing turns me on more than a bro smelling like beer.
3. Why would you even be on this website if you disagree with it? Did you get sick of beating off in your parents basement?

-slam piece out of Minnesota

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