So, it’s been a few weeks since the #50 bachelor party and although you paid the strippers like $500 to bang your so-called “bro” he wouldn’t go through with it. For some reason he was so fucking brainwashed by his fiancée that he forgot what being a bro is all about. You’ve spent the last two weeks trying your best to sabotage his impending crime against nature to no avail. You’ve done it all – rubbed lipstick all over your bro’s collar, called the house at 3 am breathing into the phone if his fiancée picked up, and even made a fucking badass photo shop making it look like he is making out with one of the Olsen twins. Nothing worked. Goddamn bitch saw right through that shit. As you lay there in bed the night before the rehearsal dinner, you realize it’s time to capitalize on this situation. Sure your bro may be committing bro-suicide, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a fucking amazing time. Fuck the bride, it’s time to make this wedding the greatest day of your life.
Over the past few years, I have made quite a few impressions on the families of bride and groom – and quite frankly, I wouldn’t say they were the best impressions. The greatest thing about weddings is that nobody gives a fuck. What the fuck do you think is going to happen when you have an open bar and invite a bro? Fucking Magic, that’s what. Now for a few ways bros capitalize on this occasion to ensure the most important guests have the time of their life – themselves.
Open Bar – Honestly, this may be bros’ favorite part of any wedding. Bros do get mad though if they find out that only Beer and Wine are being served. “What the fuck kind of shit wedding is this?” and “How cheap can you fucking get?” are two common reactions. Bros then have to make up for not being able to slam mixed drinks by double fisting brews all night long. If there is liquor available, you better believe bros are getting shots going. Bros love weddings because it gives them the opportunity to get free shots with every group of people there. You got to get a shot with the Bride and Grooms Parents, the bridal party, the groomsmen, the bride and groom, the flower girl, etc. Also, the older the group taking a shot with you, the more bro points you get. If you can do shots with a group of people in wheel chairs who can’t even eat solid food, you may have what it takes to be a bro king.
“Plus One” – If you a bro in the wedding, chances are that there is going to be an extra invitation for your date. Bros see this shit and fucking laugh. If bros are bringing anyone, its going to be the #37 DOFF since the bride has probably forbade him from coming, thus he didn’t get an invite. Seriously, why would you ever bring sand to the beach? Much like slam pieces make the excuse, “I’m only in College once,” every day during their four years for being a whore, bridesmaids justify their slam piece status by claiming, “(Bride/Bro Murderer) will only get married once!” which is probably a lie. Bridesmaids are all fair game at a wedding. It may be difficult if her boyfriend/husband is in attendance, but if he’s not – please, she’ll be yours by the time the band plays the “Shout” encore.
The Speech – Often the “Dead Bro Walking” will cop out and get someone like their brother or father to be his best man. This is because he knows they will not only support his decision to get married – but they will also deliver a heart felt speech that even their 100 year old Great Aunt Edna will enjoy. However, every once in awhile, they pick a bro to be the best man. While every best man speech mixes in humor with a couple lines of some bullshit lie about how the bride is the greatest thing to ever happen to him, bros go straight for the jugular and just say funny shit for like 10 minutes. Bros love to talk about all the slam pieces the groom used to bang. Usually bros think they are making veiled references, when in fact most people actually know what “nailed a shitload of chicks” really means. Bros also love talking about themselves and how they are still single and how awesome it is. This lets all the slam pieces know what the fucking deal is. It’s best to just stare down the sluttiest looking bridesmaid the entire speech. This will make her feel special (she is not) and after you are through with what was probably the greatest speech in history outside of Jim Valvano at the ESPYs, tell her to meet you in the coat closet in 10 minutes. Slam pieces fucking love coat closets.