Everyone knows all groups of hot girls have one fat ugly friend, better known as the Designated Ugly Fat Friend (DUFF.) This friend makes the hot friends not only feel hotter, but better about themselves because guys will always hit on them rather than the fat girl for obvious reasons. It really is a symbiotic relationship though, as the DUFF will actually get ass they would never have a chance of getting simply because the bro going for the hot girl will inevitably have a wingman who will “jump on the grenade.”
Like everything in life bros have a counterpart to whatever bras throw at them, and like everything else, this counterpart is bigger and better. The DOFF, short for the Designated Obnoxious Fat Friend. Every group of bros has at one time had some sort of a DOFF. He’s the guy who not only makes you feel better about your fledgling alcoholism, but makes you much more attractive in comparison. Here are some staples for any solid DOFF:
Absolutely Disgusting – Back in the day I would put our DOFF up against anyone. Unfortunately, our DOFF realized that he was disgusting, lost a shit load of weight to the point where his family members thought he had cancer and became a bro hater by moving in with his newly acquired girlfriend. Before his epiphany, he was disgusting and knew he was disgusting, but didn’t give a fuck. This is a must for any potential DOFF within your group, he must have given up any shred of hope on making his appearance attractive. Only then can he be the true DOFF that your bros need.
Vehemently Hateful to Girls – Bros love being mean to girls. But no one loves it more than the DOFF. After years of being rebuffed by them, he now realizes that it’s their time to pay. One of the best places to do this is while driving down the street. Bros realize that while you are in your car, you are invincible, and DOFFs take full advantage of their invincibility. Even though he has lost many of his DOFF characteristics, our DOFF still stands true to this tradition. While rolling through the streets of Arlington, he’ll scream out the window such pleasantries as, “Whore,” “Aborted Fetus,” or my personal favorite, “Period Blood.” This straight up puts girls in their place. I mean honestly, if girls didn’t want to be verbally abused, they shouldn’t be walking on the street at 11 in the morning.
Having a DOFF around can also be useful for your slam piece collection. Say the DOFF spits out some vulgar string of profanity at some hotties, most likely referring to doing unmentionable things to their "rotting grandmothers' corpses." You swoop in and let them know that your friend escaped from the zoo. Boom - You're getting laid.
Superhuman Drinking Ability – I don’t care what kind of story you have about what your DOFF did at some party one time, I will forever stand by ours. I have never before seen the drinking displays which took place in our DOFF’s heyday. Sure the time he took five beers in one funnel was nice, but that didn’t compare to the video I watched of him on Spring Break drinking 10 beers in 10 minutes. But if you asked him what the drinking accomplishment he was most proud of was you would undoubtedly hear back: “8 in 5.” Now I know there are going to be a bunch of comments out there about how their DOFF is a much better drinker than our DOFF but you have to agree, 8 beers in 5 minutes is an accomplishment ever by an American - right up there with D-Day. God Bless Bros.