Tuesday, June 23, 2009

#37 Designated Obnoxious Fat Friend (DOFF)

Everyone knows all groups of hot girls have one fat ugly friend, better known as the Designated Ugly Fat Friend (DUFF.) This friend makes the hot friends not only feel hotter, but better about themselves because guys will always hit on them rather than the fat girl for obvious reasons. It really is a symbiotic relationship though, as the DUFF will actually get ass they would never have a chance of getting simply because the bro going for the hot girl will inevitably have a wingman who will “jump on the grenade.”

Like everything in life bros have a counterpart to whatever bras throw at them, and like everything else, this counterpart is bigger and better. The DOFF, short for the Designated Obnoxious Fat Friend. Every group of bros has at one time had some sort of a DOFF. He’s the guy who not only makes you feel better about your fledgling alcoholism, but makes you much more attractive in comparison. Here are some staples for any solid DOFF:

Absolutely Disgusting – Back in the day I would put our DOFF up against anyone. Unfortunately, our DOFF realized that he was disgusting, lost a shit load of weight to the point where his family members thought he had cancer and became a bro hater by moving in with his newly acquired girlfriend. Before his epiphany, he was disgusting and knew he was disgusting, but didn’t give a fuck. This is a must for any potential DOFF within your group, he must have given up any shred of hope on making his appearance attractive. Only then can he be the true DOFF that your bros need.

Vehemently Hateful to Girls – Bros love being mean to girls. But no one loves it more than the DOFF. After years of being rebuffed by them, he now realizes that it’s their time to pay. One of the best places to do this is while driving down the street. Bros realize that while you are in your car, you are invincible, and DOFFs take full advantage of their invincibility. Even though he has lost many of his DOFF characteristics, our DOFF still stands true to this tradition. While rolling through the streets of Arlington, he’ll scream out the window such pleasantries as, “Whore,” “Aborted Fetus,” or my personal favorite, “Period Blood.” This straight up puts girls in their place. I mean honestly, if girls didn’t want to be verbally abused, they shouldn’t be walking on the street at 11 in the morning.

Having a DOFF around can also be useful for your slam piece collection. Say the DOFF spits out some vulgar string of profanity at some hotties, most likely referring to doing unmentionable things to their "rotting grandmothers' corpses." You swoop in and let them know that your friend escaped from the zoo. Boom - You're getting laid.

Superhuman Drinking Ability – I don’t care what kind of story you have about what your DOFF did at some party one time, I will forever stand by ours. I have never before seen the drinking displays which took place in our DOFF’s heyday. Sure the time he took five beers in one funnel was nice, but that didn’t compare to the video I watched of him on Spring Break drinking 10 beers in 10 minutes. But if you asked him what the drinking accomplishment he was most proud of was you would undoubtedly hear back: “8 in 5.” Now I know there are going to be a bunch of comments out there about how their DOFF is a much better drinker than our DOFF but you have to agree, 8 beers in 5 minutes is an accomplishment ever by an American - right up there with D-Day. God Bless Bros.

53 comments:

BENNY BOY said...

NYB-
One other quality that all DOFF's should and usually do possess (I am sure your's did) an amazing Homer Simpson like threshold of pain. When running into a pack of bro-haters the DOFF can withstand any punishment dished out. Their is no bottle that can cause pain when being bashed against his skull and no punch strong enough to cause a fracture. Bros are the shit.

Cross said...

Our DOFF is named Jon. This guy is the biggest piece of shit ever. He doesn't respect anyone or anything. He is the loudest, most obnoxious person i've ever known, and he's a raging alcoholic. He dropped out of high school in 9th grade and at the age of 29 still has not even gotten his license. He will take on any dare and he rarely bathes, shaves, or changes his clothes. He treats women like garbage and once flushed an ex-girlfriend's father's ashes down the toilet just because she was talking to some other guy on MySpace. He pees everywhere and never flushes the toilet at anyone's house even after taking a massive Chipotle-induced dump. Bottom line, the man has no respect for anyone or anything. He is a true bro.

Ned's Younger Brother said...

Very good point Benny Boy - and Jon seriously sounds like the shit.

Anonymous said...

Our DOFF, Big N' Tasty, was the fucking man. This one fraterday, we were obviously getting shitfaced all day, and Big N' Tasty got so fucked up that he passed out on the living room couch and pissed himself before a big frat party. All night bras would walk in to the bro-riffic sight of Big N' Tasty, fast asleep, piss stains dribbling down his pants, covered in flour. (Real bros antique their fellow bros when they fall asleep). Bros are the shit

Anonymous said...

our doff was actually a bra, who was also a duff. it was sweet. she weiged abut 400lbs and was the loudest most obnoxious human to ever walk the face of the earth. i once saw her drink a case of beer and smoke 2 packs of cigarettes during a football game.

Anonymous said...

I was recently visiting some bros in nova and one of my bros slam pieces decided to commit a huge party foul and ruin our pre game by showing up, but what she really deserved to get face fucked for was bringing her DOFF with her. This girl was a mess the minute she walked in he door. My bro from Richmond was on a huge bourbon and SNUS binger and took one for the team and walked her outside. He continued to makeout with her with three pouches of SNUS in his mouth and then took her keys and tossed them across the road she was busy looking for them for a while before she finally got in her car and drove the fuck away.

Anonymous said...

Dude there is absolutely nothing cool about having a DOFF that is a bra. This site is clearly for bros only and you seem like a tube sock wearing bro-hater. DOFF girls are like the epitome of everything in this world that is not bro. Real bros are the shit and you clearly are not one. Go back to the bro lodge and leave us alone in the brolaggio.

I fuckin love this site keep em' coming.

Anonymous said...

She would drink your sorry ass under the table in a heartbeat. I hope you lose both of your legs in a train wreck.

Zzz said...

I love that you mentioned the grenade jumper, because this reminded me of a friend (a true DUFF in every sense) of one of my ex-slam pieces. I don't even know what her real name was, we just referred to her as "BG", for "Big Grenade", as she was a large and hideous creature that even my wingmen with the lowest inhibitions had to be insanely blasted out of their minds to get on board with helping their bro out.

Anonymous said...

Make sure though that in that car verbal abuse to bras, that you're not at a red light. One time our DOFF did and the girl pulled out a pocket knife and fuckin slashed our tires. And obviously we didn't call the cops cause that's what bro-haters do

Anonymous said...

So I live in a fraternity filled with football offensive lineman... and we have a perfect DOFF. Ik what youre thinking, how can a group of fat people designate one person as the fat one? Because compared to this bro, we look normal sized. At about 6-5 350 of solid jiggling fat, this bro makes all other DOFFs look like DUFFs. Best story I have of him is when we went to a football game and he drank four solo cups of straight jim bean in the half an hour before the game, preceded to black out and not find his seat until the 2nd quarter, then promptly pass out in the stands, prompting those around him to chant in his honor (#4).

dave said...

is the author seriously bragging about 10 beers in 10 minutes or 8 in 5? that's a joke. it's called chugging - i recently witnessed my bro do 5 beers in 52 seconds. later in the evening we hit up our 3 story tall funnel (12 beers split between two bros in maybe 15 seconds). this site just lost a lot of bro-cred with those DOFF credentials.

Anonymous said...

Dave, NYB does say that his DOFF took down a 5-beer-bong. I'm sure it was under 52 seconds too.

So imagine doing that + 3 more.

Don't be such a bro hater

Anonymous said...

10 beers in 10 minutes? Weak

One time when visiting Va Tech our DOFF went up against our bro's DOFF in a no holds bared round of 10 cup full cup 1 on 1 flip cup. Needless to say our bro was on the short list for bro king and quickly and efficiently destroyed our other bro's DOFF. We're talking 10 full cups in probably 2 minutes. Brolegendary.

fraaaat said...

8 beers in 5 minutes? you think that is bro. dream on

pledges in my frat routinely have to drink 6 beers in under 15 seconds, and 12 beers in under 40 seconds.

grow a pair

Anonymous said...

fraaaat Im not trying to be a brohater but c'mon bro 12 in under 40 secs that's not really possible your stomach can't hold that much fluid retard

Anonymous said...

I drank ten beers in a minute once...then passed out while stabbin a slam piece

Anonymous said...

A legendary moment in DOFF history. The new year's count down and not a bra in sight for our DOFF, so why not chug R&R for 10 seconds, but he didn't stop there. He killed the bottle 22 seconds later for the longest liquor chug I've ever seen. Got a slam pieces attention too and stabbed her right next to an open window.

Brosideon said...

True story...my DOFF was listening to the song "shots" by LMFAO and lil jon, and so naturally we challenge him to try to match every time they say shots with a shot. Considering they say 'shots' 78 times in the song, that's impossible, so we settle on 15 shots. The fucking beast steps up and fucking downs the 15 shots in 5 minutes. Truly one of the greats

Zeus Juice said...

Our DOFF won a case race all by himself.

Against 8 other 2-man teams.

Enough said.

Broweiser said...

Few nights ago I drink a case by myself with one of my bros before heading to tailgate. Naturally we show up to tailgate wanting nothing but more beer and fresh-slam piece. Suddenly our DOFF comes up carryin a 40 and I snatch that shit and start straight bro-ing it in front of him. He starts to throw up all over this random slut's shoes so I quickly jumped in with the apology. Gotta beej from her in the bathrrom at the game. And then she bought me a tall boy. Boss.

Anonymous said...

brosideon, i love that doing shots to the song "Shots". i did that before a LMFAO concert, fun shit. but i got my story, i was with my bros and drank 17 ounces of 160proof (80% alc) vodka straight from a bottle, no chasers. along with 9 beers. i dunno in how much time but i was shitfaced.

Anonymous said...

Anyone leaving fake stories about their DOFF's should just stop and admire other bro stories about DOFF's that are true. Fake DOFF stories is negative bro cred

Anonymous said...

SNUS is not for bros its for pussys who can throw in a bomber with out puking

Brolysses S Grant. said...

Anonymous makes a great point. SNUS is completely not bro. If you can't take a real dip don't disgrace the real tobacco users by "throwing in a SNUS pouch."

Nabroleon said...

Props to Brolyesses but snus comes in handy when your in class and can't spit

Anonymous said...

I was the Doff back when I was in college. I routinely "sent it back" while playing anchorman, including one time when we were forced to play with leftover franzia, I booted after downing a can of computer duster for entertainments sake, and routinely beat the crap out of lacrosse players. Oh, and I also went commando for a month because I didn't like doing laundry.

I am a shell of my former self having had gastric bypass surgery and now having to "conform" to the norm, even dating a Jewish chick now (sigh), but at one time my bro kingdom encompassed everything east of the Mississippi.

BROlocaust said...

I fucking jumped on the a-bomb and fucked this DUFF once for a bro who wanted to slay some fucking slampig...but even that DUFF had a DUFF so we made a pledge fuck her and take her out for a nice dinner...all you can eat chinese buffet.

sir bros-alot said...

Our DOFF is a 6'4 450lb heap of bro. A tribute to brodom if there ever was one. On New Year's eve a few years back he drank a fifth of 100 proof SoCo, another fifth of 70 proof, a pint of brohawk and a 12 pack. He shit all over himself in the middle of the night and i discovered him passed out naked behind the bar in my other bro's basement.

When he woke up the next morning at 8 he was still blackout.

Chico Bro said...

I must say, I may have the ultimate of all DOFF friends. He is a true bro king. He has managed to perfect the art form of DOFF that he slays mad slam pieces using it. A few stories of this bro king:

Two years ago we lost a good Bro his last name was Miller. So being the great bro he is, our DOFF bought a keg of Miller to celebrate his life. Our DOFF then decided he wanted to start a club. Not just any club, but an amazing club. A club of epic proportions. An "I love beer club." He designated himself the mascot of this club and allowed membership only to those who chugged an entire pitcher of Miller. Why? Because that's what a fucking bro would do. As the self appointed mascot he knew he had to market the club to its full potential. So he shaved "I love beer" in the back of his head. How else would people know there was an "I love beer club." An hour after completing this masterful haircut, he went and took his composite picture with the rest of his bros. Best composite I've ever seen.

Another time he was put to a challenge. Word on the street was that he had a very high capacity for chugging alcohol. This was true. The challenge was set, down a fifth of captain in one chug. Knowing this bro for a while now I had no doubt in my mind he could complete this feat. My problem was it was half of my fifth and of course I wanted to get fucking wasted too. Everyone had their camera phones out and the countdown begun. I was attempting to talk him out of it(because I too wanted to get wasted) but when the countdown reached 1 the bottle went upside down. He was chugging at great speed. He reached the half way mark and I started to get pissed. The rest should be mine. But he continued. With 1/3 left I had enough and began screaming in his ear. Luckily this threw him off his game and made him stop. Could he have done the whole thing? Fuck ya. But I couldn't let that happen. I was sober. Needless to say we got fucking wasted and all went and found slam pieces for that night.

Broshihiro Tajiri said...

Back then, our DOFF was Andre the Giant. No, not because he actually was Andre the Giant, (his name was Terry) but because he was 6'8 and 300lbs. Bartenders hate him because he can consume all the liquor in a bar and still not get drunk. Truly a sight to behold. He was also a true bro, always opting to settle with the DUFF even though he smells like shit and beer and sometimes you think, 'how did he get laid with all those women?' and I mean, damn, how does he do that?

I wonder what he's doing now.

Anonymous said...

Our friend Sean is the perfect DOFF. He can drink more alcohol than humanly possible, and after being forced by his bro hater parents to go to the doctor last year before college he was told that he had the lungs of a thirty year old man. At one of are frat parties he was carrying around his personal 1.75 of kg, and after finishing almost all of the bottle he grabbed a bottle of heaven hill, opened his mouth wide and started pouring both bottles down his throat for a good 10 seconds. not to long later he passed out on the couch with his shoes on. so we took the fog machine from the dance floor and put it in his face on full blast for the night. At another party he got so tanked that he went outside to piss but forgot to bull his dick out and pissed all down his khaki pants. He then presumed to go back into the party and obnoxiously hit on every slampiece he could.

Anonymous said...

The *DOFF* in my frat is a true bro king. He's actually not that fat, but he's like 6'6", 250, so he is fucking huge. Last year on the last day of classes he had a wizard staff composed of 9 Jooses and 3 beers before 6 pm. If you don't know what Joose is, its a 24 OZ can of 9.9% malt liquor with taurine and shit. basically the equivalent of 2 redbulls and 4.5 beers in one can. Fucking ridiculous. He is also obnoxious as fuck, rarely showers, and went an entire semester without doing laundry. His bed has no sheets on it and his room is covered in cigarette ash. Best part is though, this kid slays more bitches than anyone i've ever met. he is the exception to the rule and a true bro king.

Anonymous said...

our bear bong=8 beers in 17 sec

theodore Broselvelt said...

So it was Thursday night, me and my bros got were drinking since 4 p.m. and decided we would throw a fucking banger at our frat. Invited nothing less than a 8.5(9.7 when drunk) and were having the best fucking time ever. I had a a slampiece practically sucking my dick on the dance floor, but the worst thing happend, I finished my beer and had to get a new one. So as I was making my way to the keg and caught site of fucking shamu. Clearly i did what any true bro would do and told her she was taking up to much space and kicked her out. But the only thing is this 250+ slut wasnt only a waste of space but a code fucking red cock block when i found out that she showed up with the slampiece i was about to slay up stairs in the bro cave.

FFF...FUCK FAT FRIENDS

Broah's ark said...

theodore broosevelt, it doesn't have to do with the female doff but still classic bro moment....the doff is the ultimate way to pick up chicks because since they know they arent getting laid they make fun of chicks even harder than the average bro. The DOFF has no morals so after he's done ripping apart a slampiece because she looks like a pornstar, it's the perfect opportunity to pretend like you care about her feelings and start talking to her. After being humiliated and still getting picked up you are on a one way road to Poundtown USA.

Anonymous said...

Our DOFF has accomplished the feat of 9 in 11, which although not 8 in 5 was still pretty impressive, also he has the characteristic of being an absolute tank as far as taking damage is concerned. After we had gotten in an argument with another frat they're bros showed up like pussies at 3 in the morning after a party night to try to take advantage of us being tired and hammered so we wouldn't put up a fight, they didn't plan on our DOFF marching at them straight on and fighting all 10 of them at once. Needless to say even after taking a fire extinguisher to the head and countless other blows he single-handedly defended our turf until the rest of us rushed in to join the fun. True Bro King

Anonymous said...

The real Andre the Giant makes every DOFF listed above look like a bro hater nursing a wine cooler. He once drank 119 beers in a span of six hours, which comes out to almost a beer every three minutes over that stretch. Fuck Bro King, that man was a legitimate Bro God.

For more information on the One True Bro God's prodigious drinking abilities: http://www.drunkard.com/issues/10_06/10_06_andre_giant.html

Anonymous said...

yall are all bitches....16 oz tequila bong in less than 5 seconds. Man up before you post on this site.

Anonymous said...

also set the curve on my final the next day still drunk and w/ out studying, fuck w/ that

Broregon Duck said...

Chico Bro, your DOFF sounds like a bro-king of the highest caliber, but to mess up someone in the middle of a chug, let alone a fifth challenge he's 4/5ths of the way through, is super bro-hating. I feel like you need to look deep inside yourself and embrace the true bro that I know is in there before coming back to post on this site.

Bromer Simpson said...

I think we can agree there is a little DOFF in all of us. My bros and I take turns so we can keep our shit talking skills sharp. Short of waking up next to a fine slampiece, a bro loves nothing more than waking up and hearing about all the awesome shit he did last night when he was so fucking wrecked.

Anonymous said...

Our Doff did 5 beers in one minute. Its on video... Ur doff is shit, tell him to step his game up

Big Daddy Fat Snacks said...

I was the DOFF in my fraternity back in college. I once took a 750 of Gentlemans Jack to the face. Then proceeded to tear my bro's sister's boyfriend's ACL because he wouldn't shut his fucking mouth. Good thing I used to go fishing with the town judge.

Bro Schembechler said...

Right on with the absolutely disgusting element: Our DOFF is one of the grossest people of all time. He once left an entire opened package of lunch meat on the floor, buried underneath all his shit for several months before finding it. He routinely pisses in gatorade bottles and leaves them open all over the house. Once he even mistakenly took a swig of one after waking up from a drunken stupor.

Whenever someone does something to make him mad, his go-to defense is to take a shit on that person's car. he also wears nothing but sweatpants, ever, which usually have jizz stains all over them.

Broswanasauras Rex said...

Hahaha too true Bro Schembechler. Sadly that may just be the tip of the iceberg for him.

Here's an example. His sophomore year we were all sitting around the TV watching a football game when he rips a loud fart followed shortly after by him saying "uh-oh"

Someone else asked "did you just shit your pants?" and he answers "yes." This was then followed by a ten to fifteen second pause then someone finally says "so are you gonna do something about it?" He responds, "yeah I guess, at the next commercial break."

Beyond Pebroleum said...

The original DOFF: John Belushi in Animal House

Bro Jackson said...

we had a DOFF that was the biggest piece of shit ever... by burping in girls faces and getting completely blacked out every chance possible, this DOFF would set us up for the Slam Piece invasion at Bush Beach... he was just funny and fat enough to where some girls didn't mind it and would eventually give up their man caves us, the unsuspecting vultures watching them finish their 5th shot

Anonymous said...

Beyond Pebroleum, you speak the truth

John Belushi is the model of all DOFF's

Anonymous said...

Our Doff did two 4 beer funnels in over 3 minutes, taking him 10 seconds to down each one. He then had 5 lined up shots of ketel one, took them down, puked and continued drinking. Classic.

Anonymous said...

Its all about the DUFF the designated ugly fat friend that FUPA rocking bitch

Anonymous said...

Being a college football player I had many DOFFS in my brotourage. One in particular stood out above all the rest. During our biannual beer olympics I watched as our main DOFF chugged an entire pitcher in 8 seconds, it was like watching a high powered vacuum.

Anonymous said...

No one likes a counter.

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