This is getting painful. It’s been a month since you got any action whatsoever and you’re starting to forget what dome feels like. After a summer of slayings that would make the Son of Sam proud, you’ve been shut out all semester. The worst part is that all your bros are taking down slam pieces left and right, one of them even banged 3 girls during an all day #68 tailgate rager. This must be what it’s like to go through chemo. Your confidence is shot, but after yelling slogans at yourself in the mirror for a few minutes and absolutely crushing a #43 red bull, you’re ready to hit the town. Tonight there are no excuses. You are getting laid. For one night only, standards don’t exist. It’s time to find the Slump Buster.
Fact: bros have been on hot streak since the day they hit puberty. However, there comes a time in every bro’s life where no matter what he does, he can’t get laid. Delusional thoughts start to arise in their heads such as, “Will I ever get laid again?” “Have I peaked?” and worst of all “Maybe I should start going out on dates.” If you ever begin to have these irrational thoughts, step back, take a deep breath, and realize it’s going to be all right. There are many of God’s creations, such as marriage, non-alcoholic beer, and bro-haters, which really make me question his intentions. For the longest time I thought another one of God’s creation abortions was fat girls. I was wrong to doubt him. For all the shit that bros give fat ugly chicks, which for the most part is well deserved, they still can serve a purpose. Not only do they make you appreciate hot girls, but they also serve their most important function in society - making bros feel better about themselves. Sure, deep down, bros don’t mind banging fat chicks – but as the saying goes, “Fat chicks are like mopeds – fun to ride until your friends find out.” So how do bros hide their slump buster?
Disguise – Playing wingman is perhaps the most effective way to escape your drought. Say you and your bro are at the bar when you spot a fucking vixen across the room. Even though she hot as shit, she’ll undoubtedly have low self-esteem, therefore she’ll have some fat pig with her. Assure your bro that it’s his turn for the hot slut and that you’ll play wingman with the “grenade.” By jumping on the grenade, not only do you bust your slump, but no one can make fun of you AND you get a shitload of bro points for helping your bro bang the hottie.
Alcohol – In case you haven’t noticed, bros love getting fucked up. One of the greatest things about getting fucked up is that you can blame anything you do on the fact that you were drunk. Say you took a dump in your roommate’s trashcan. All you need to say is, “Sorry man, I was really fucked up last night,” and there is nothing he can say to you. How fucking amazing is that? Anyways, the point is that say you banged a heffer who would fit in better in a Chick-Fil-A ad than around other normal looking people, by saying you were too fucked up to remember anything you get the benefit of the doubt. Sure, your bros will give you shit for a while, but everyone does dumb shit when they’re fucked up so eventually they will forgive your crime against nature.
Hoggin’ – Hoggin' is a fairly secretive bro tradition, especially to girls, but it does exist. This refers to when a group of bros get together at the beginning of the night, ready to go out, get fucked up and pound some slam pieces, when one of them raises the idea “We could go hogging tonight.” Initially this is said as a joke, only to gauge the reaction, but often times this will end up being the plan. Everyones goals: go out and bang a fat girl, fattest one wins. Often bros will be too distracted by the hot girls who are trying to bang them to waste any time on the lower forms of life, but usually one of your bros ends up with a porker. I can’t think of a better example than from my junior year at The College. We found my bro walking around the cafeteria on a Wednesday afternoon, wearing the same shit he had on the night before and reeking of fat girl.
“Dude, what happened to you last night?”
“Me and my fraternity brothers went out hogging, or at least I thought we did. They didn’t go home with anyone, but I did.”
“Well how’d she look?”
I’ll never forget the hollow look in his eyes. It was as if the slump buster had just eaten his soul as if it was double-cheesy bread from one of her patented late night feasts when he gave the response of “Bad.”
He didn’t go into further detail, but going to a school where 85% of #59 sororities could easily be classified as “the fat sorority,” I knew she must have been heinous. As it turned out he had to lie to his fraternity who called him out because she was so disgusting and told them she had just tried to kiss him. The worst part for him and the best part for me occurred when a couple girls from her sorority approached him. They asked if he had banged her. Of course he denied it. They immediately replied, “I knew she was lying – nobody would ever want to hook up with that.” A girl so heinously ugly that not even her own “sisters for life” would believe any man would want her. Wow. Needless to say he never heard the end of it. Even though he refused to ever point her out, we imagined that she had the body of Ursula from “The Little Mermaid” (including tentacles) with Popeye Jones’s face. God I love slump busters.