It's your Freshman year. You've been at school for about a month and you're pretty proud to say you haven't attended one class. This is because you're not a fucking idiot and realize that all the notes are on Blackboard, not to mention there's some kid on your hall in all your classes and you can definitely #65 cheat off of him. You've been fucked up pretty much every night since the first day of orientation and there is no end to the streak in sight - that is until you realize what this weekend is: Fall Break. Who the fuck needs a break one month into the school year? Bro-haters - that's fucking who. You fucking know Fall Break was made up by some little bitch who spent all his time in the library like a loser and missed his Mommy and Daddy too much so he begged the school to give him time to go home. Fuck that. True bros never go home to visit their parents. Why the fuck would you want to? All they are going to do is yell at you for skipping class and "wasting their money." Fucking bro-haters. The only reason a bro would even call his parents is to ask for more money so he can buy more kegs and shit. So while all those fucking losers go home to give their parents a big hug and tell them how "cool" the kids in Young Life are, bros have another plan. It's time for a fucking Road Trip.
The first rule of Road Trips is there are no fucking rules. Bros don't make neat little itineraries and circle cities on the map where they heard there's "a cute place where you can use a real live butter churner." That's for fucking married couples aka slave owner and slave. Bros don't need luggage for their road trip. They already have the clothes that they are wearing - why would you need anything else? Fucking idiot. So, with nothing but the clothes on their back, a bottle of liquor, and their parents' credit card for gas and pretty much anything that you can buy to make your bros laugh for 5 minutes then throw away, bros hit the fucking road. So, in order to ensure for a solid road trip, here's a couple things that need to happen.
Drunk as Shit – When bros visit each other, they don’t stay up late into the night sipping Earl Grey tea catching up about old times or have pointless shit planned out like going to museums. They walk in the door, give some fist pounds and a half-hug, and immediately start drinking. I dare anyone out there to go visit your bros and hold out for more than 2 hours without starting to drink. It’s physically impossible. Bros don’t give a shit about taking a tour of the campus – they just want to get fucked up as quickly as humanly possible.
Banging Slam Pieces - Outside of Craig’s List, there is no better place to find a Slam Piece who is looking for a #31 One Night Stand than on a Road Trip. Having your bro as a mutual friend immediately gives you credibility as someone who is (probably) not a rapist. Not to mention the fact that girls don’t have to worry about being called a #3 slut for hooking up with an out of towner. This is because they can claim to their friends, “we would probably be dating if we lived in the same city.” Yeah fucking right. For these reasons, there is no fucking excuse to not have at least one of your bros get laid on the road trip. Another great thing about banging on road trips is that it presents an amazing opportunity to #52 bang in places that aren’t a bed. Since you don’t have your own bed, the options for slaying pits are cut in half. So what happens if the girl’s roommate is already passed out? Time for some hot, steamy handicap stall loving.
Road Trips are the breeding grounds for amazing stories, unbridled drunkenness and uncomfortable sexual positions, so this Fall Break don’t waste your time going home to have your parents yell at you for breaking curfew by 10 minutes. Take the Road Trip. Make the Memories. Be the Bro.