Tuesday, October 6, 2009

#79 Road Trips

It's your Freshman year. You've been at school for about a month and you're pretty proud to say you haven't attended one class. This is because you're not a fucking idiot and realize that all the notes are on Blackboard, not to mention there's some kid on your hall in all your classes and you can definitely #65 cheat off of him. You've been fucked up pretty much every night since the first day of orientation and there is no end to the streak in sight - that is until you realize what this weekend is: Fall Break. Who the fuck needs a break one month into the school year? Bro-haters - that's fucking who. You fucking know Fall Break was made up by some little bitch who spent all his time in the library like a loser and missed his Mommy and Daddy too much so he begged the school to give him time to go home. Fuck that. True bros never go home to visit their parents. Why the fuck would you want to? All they are going to do is yell at you for skipping class and "wasting their money." Fucking bro-haters. The only reason a bro would even call his parents is to ask for more money so he can buy more kegs and shit. So while all those fucking losers go home to give their parents a big hug and tell them how "cool" the kids in Young Life are, bros have another plan. It's time for a fucking Road Trip.

The first rule of Road Trips is there are no fucking rules. Bros don't make neat little itineraries and circle cities on the map where they heard there's "a cute place where you can use a real live butter churner." That's for fucking married couples aka slave owner and slave. Bros don't need luggage for their road trip. They already have the clothes that they are wearing - why would you need anything else? Fucking idiot. So, with nothing but the clothes on their back, a bottle of liquor, and their parents' credit card for gas and pretty much anything that you can buy to make your bros laugh for 5 minutes then throw away, bros hit the fucking road. So, in order to ensure for a solid road trip, here's a couple things that need to happen.


Drunk as Shit – When bros visit each other, they don’t stay up late into the night sipping Earl Grey tea catching up about old times or have pointless shit planned out like going to museums. They walk in the door, give some fist pounds and a half-hug, and immediately start drinking. I dare anyone out there to go visit your bros and hold out for more than 2 hours without starting to drink. It’s physically impossible. Bros don’t give a shit about taking a tour of the campus – they just want to get fucked up as quickly as humanly possible.

Banging Slam Pieces - Outside of Craig’s List, there is no better place to find a Slam Piece who is looking for a #31 One Night Stand than on a Road Trip. Having your bro as a mutual friend immediately gives you credibility as someone who is (probably) not a rapist. Not to mention the fact that girls don’t have to worry about being called a #3 slut for hooking up with an out of towner. This is because they can claim to their friends, “we would probably be dating if we lived in the same city.” Yeah fucking right. For these reasons, there is no fucking excuse to not have at least one of your bros get laid on the road trip. Another great thing about banging on road trips is that it presents an amazing opportunity to #52 bang in places that aren’t a bed. Since you don’t have your own bed, the options for slaying pits are cut in half. So what happens if the girl’s roommate is already passed out? Time for some hot, steamy handicap stall loving.

Road Trips are the breeding grounds for amazing stories, unbridled drunkenness and uncomfortable sexual positions, so this Fall Break don’t waste your time going home to have your parents yell at you for breaking curfew by 10 minutes. Take the Road Trip. Make the Memories. Be the Bro.

42 comments:

Anonymous said...

I would like to add that if you aren't smoking blunts the entire drive than you aren't a true bro. This practice makes the drive go by way faster, not to mention being high as shit on the highway at night is crazy as fuck.

Dom said...

Road trips are a great opportunity to fuck up the environment and do some littering too!

Broranasaurus Sex said...

Road trips are the shit, especially if they are last minute. Me and two of my bros decided one summer to take a trip down to South Padre Island. If you havent been there here are two important pieces of information:
A) King Ranch is the longest fuckin road with nothing along it
B) Allows for some mad drinking and driving - fast.
Anyways, we fucking show up to Padre and before well fill up the jeep, we stock up on more booze since we just slammed down the couple cases we brought. As unbelievable as this sounds, we mananged to drive up on the days during a national cheerleading convention. Ho bags everywhere. First things first, top came immediately off in the jeep and we began to party. Sure enough in the first fifteen minutes, we landed some bra's numbers and wound up staying at the same hotel later that evening.
About 12pm, we decide to hit the club/bar seen up and get slammed. After some attempts with some sluts and feeling a bit of defeat, we remembered that those slam pieces were staying at our hotel:
1) called em up at 3AM? coulda been later i dont remember
2) Me and one of my bros are informed they are with someones parent, so we invite them over
3) 2 girls, 2 guys, 2 queen beds, We fuckin tag teamed that shit.
4) Kicked em out after we finished only to find out they were 16.
Fuckin skanks.

Road trips are the shit.

Carmelbro Anthony said...

Roadtrips are the fucking shit. It does give you the perfect opportunity to fuck in a place not your bed. After #23 drinking and driving all day, start sniping slam pieces at the first bar you stop. Since you're from out of town you don't have anywhere to take her. Options: Bar bathroom, random truck bed in the parking lot, Ronald McDonald's lap at the nearest McDonalds, or on top of your bro while he's passed out in the hotel room bed. Nothing says road trip like your bro waking up with a headache cuz his head was banging against the head board all night cuz you were stirring guts in the same bed with some slam piece.

Dom said...

#57 Not Caring About the Environment is easy on a road trip...driving, littering...it's all good :)Once on a road trip I told one of the guys in my car he had to throw his trash out or he was walking...he became a better (though still incomplete) bro for it

Anonymous said...

Tomorrow afternoon I will begin my journey from florida up to ole'miss to visit a good bro from high school. There will be much natty and disco dust to go around on the drive up and, according to my mississippi bro, slam pieces with tight bodies and great tits as far as the eye can see. Fuck yes, bros, fuck yes.

UF GATOR BRO said...

i completely agree against agendas, however the best road trips are ones that wrap themselves around football. Fellow bros and myself leave Friday for LSU to bleed orange and blue all over Baton Rouge. We have a single hotel room for 12 bros, but some of us already have greek poon lined up. LSU sorositutes. go bros, go blow me, and go gators

Anonymous said...

broranasaurus sex u are not a bro u are a fucking loser.bros are bros naturally.theyre not posers like u.u wish u were a bro.im in seersuckers and boat shoes right now, what r u in? cargo shorts and airwalks-fucking bro hater. 12pm you hit those bars? u mean 12am u dumb shit. how many brews did u kill there like three before you couldnt walk? when u tagged team that slampiece i bet u were more interested in ur bro's cock than railing that slut. 16 year old cheerleader? did she even have tits yet u fuckin creep. dont embaress the bronation again....ima go get drunk

Pfail-Productions said...

this is such an awesome post. Me and my boys are taking a 10 hour road trip to Purdue from Loyola this fall break, where we will be attending a party thrown by a frat in our favor, with the theme being Pinnies and Panties.

then we are tailgating and getting wrecked for the ohio state purdue game.

gonna die.

Pfail-Productions said...

PS.

the bro who we are visiting is the President of his frat and is having his pledges make a banner with our names on it. Game plan for banging slam pieces is to simply say

"hi, you see that name on the banner, that's fucking me"

it cant be more than 10 seconds before the belt buckle is being undone.

Bro vs Wade said...

My bro who lives a few hours away calls me up and says he's throwing a fucking beer olympics and needs one more team. I call up 3 of my most skilled bros that i knew would be down and we load into my suv. We decide to be team Norway so we can be vikings. Vikings are the ultimate fuckin bros. They fuck shit up all the time, light shit on fire, bang massive amounts of slampieces, and get fucked up all the time. They might as well be called brokings instead of vikings.

We get there and immediately start crushing brews and destroying the lesser brohater competition like the virgin island. douches. the only other good team is my bro that called me and he's england.

We all wake up the next morning in his living wondering what the hell happened and who even won. Some broser douches and don't know how to get fucked up remembered the whole night and recounted it to us.

England won, i didn't care cause they were bros and we all won cause we got fucked up. I fucked some skank ass slampiece on the beer pong table while people were playing flip cup outside and my other bro convinced 3 stupid slut bags to dance topless on a table.

Bros are the shit

BROakim Noah said...

My bros and I rent Mercedes's and convertibles for roadtrips, cause we are fucking rich. We take roadtrips everywhere and never have directions. We drink case after case and throw every empty beer on the road. Who gives a shit about littering? Not me & my bros! I bet Rick Brotino is on a save the environment committee, what a fucking bro hater bro poser.

I love roadtrips man, great post. Gets me all fired up reading this motherfucking post.

BROAD TRIPS KICK ASS

Broseidon said...

Fuck yeah road trips are the fucking shit. I went up to JMU last weekend to visit my bro. Needless to say I told every slam piece there that I was Matt Damon's nephew and pounded coors light for days.

Ned's Younger Brother said...

FYI - Talking shit to people in comment sections is not a bro move at all. It's lame as shit and fucking annoying and won't be posted anymore so don't bother.

LeBro James said...

if you have a curfew, you are not a bro.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for disabling the bitches; it was getting old. Just post your kick ass shit and move on.

But I have to say "Bro v. Wade" is the best name thus far. That is priceless. Was Wade the one for or against draining the shit out of baby heads. I hope Wade was against, becuase that just makes the name even better. I can't remember because like all useless classes I cheated in that one (7th grade social studies maybe?).

Some of the best road trips are to the worst places, i.e. little shit hole college towns of small schools in the middle of no where, where you can go in an run the whole town in a weekend.

Who knew David Letterman was a bro all this time.

Anonymous said...

road trips are the shit especially when they are based around football games as uf gator bro pointed out, planning on road trippin from upstate ny to blacksburgh, va for some hokie football, then up morgantown, wv for some mountaineer football and halloween. its gonna be a shit show

Shaquille bro'neal said...

I walked into my bros room at the frat house a few years back and said " want to go on a roadtrip to Santa Barbara(we were in Tempe az)".

He said sure let him pack. He comes and meets me in the hall about 45 seconds later with and an empty thirty rack box from the night before with a hoodie and a pair of board shorts in the natty box(bro suitcase). He also had a crown royal bag full of change to take to coinstar. He said he was ready to go and we were out. I still give him bro cred for that to this day.

BroaConstructor said...

Dave Letterman is a total bro. Fucking slam pigs in his bro pad which his company paid for. Totally dope.

Road trips are epic. Panama City Beach is total must for any broad trip if your going to school in the south. Fucking dumb tramps in the foam at foam partys, kicking cock swab Community College bro haters asses on the beach at sand volleyball and rounding off the bender by throwing chairs off the ninth story and catching your walls on fire on purpose while you were drunk.

Bro in Chicago said...

NYB, glad you're finally taking a stand to all the bro bashing. Bros need to unite against the bro-hater that is society instead of tearing each other down.

Kiebro Elf said...

The last weekend before Fall semester started me and two of my bros got fucked up beyond belief, around 11 PM we decided it would be a great idea to fucking go somewhere (it was). So we got online found a cheap trip had a slam piece drive us to the airport and got on the redeye to Kansas. The best part was when we woke up on the plane and had no fucking idea how we got on it or where we going. Needless to say we weren't thrilled when we found out we were going to Kansas, but one of my bros called someone up and we spent the weekend at KU, great way to end the summer. Not exactly a road trip but the spirit was the same.

Bromang said...

Letterman is a total bro. Sigma Chi at Ball State. It has just recently came out that he is in fact a Bro King

ihsv

Anonymous said...

Glad to hear you enjoyed your stay at KU even if you ended up there by mistake. Some serious partying goes down in Lawrence. Lots of bros. Hot slam pieces everywhere. Bars are always packed and house parties get crazy. Drunk driving is the norm and everyone loves drugs. When KU won the national championship the streets downtown turned into one massive 40,000 person booze fest. Cops didn't care and they couldn't do anything to prevent keg after keg being hauled down the streets anyways. Homecoming there this weekend should be an absolute shitshow

Thomas BROwan Bell said...

David Letterman Is the fucking shit. Thats all.
IHSV for life

BROrthopedic Surgeon said...

one time on a friday afternoon bunch of my bros and I were chilling playing Halo. Realizing there wasnt shit for parties going on that Friday night because SAE jungle was Saturday, we decided to all jump into my SUV (7 of us) and go to Acuna Mexico for the night (from Austin). Not only did we get blacked out like crazy, but two of my bros ended up in Mexican jail (bad fuckin news) and one other went home with some random Mexican chick (noone knew where he was). After spending all Saturday finding one of our bros and getting enough money to get our other two out of the slammer, we someone made back in time and got even more blacked out at Jungle. We still talk about that weekend.

Brobo Cop said...

fuck road trips

me and my fucking bros take BROad trips. we get fucked up in exotic places like beaver creek where beavers abound

Broseidon said...

Yo "Anonymous", noticed you said you're going up to Blacksburg, Va for a little Hokie football. I will be there as well my friend. I'll be the guy chanting and giving top gun high gives.

Anonymous said...

My bro came up for a football game like the second week I was at school. Instead of getting here at a regular time on friday, he didnt show up until 3 am saturday because his ex girlfriend was having his child aborted (whoops?), and needed him to be there for the surgery. So he rolls in at 3 am, and we drink until 5 am, wake up at 7, tailgate, and get shitfaced all day. His ex wanted him to go home after the game, because she was still in the hospital, but he decided to stay for the night, and ended up having a threesome. Best fucking weekend ever. Kid essentially lied to his ex girlfriend (who was previously carrying his baby) to have a threesome with two other slam-pieces. Fucking awesome. Bro's are the shit.

Brony Soprano said...

Kiss the ring bitches I fly G5 on my road trip you peasants

Paul Bro'neill said...

real bros blow COKE and DRINK and DRIVE

Anonymous said...

nothin like headin to chicago last minute. drink on the way down for 6 hours and hit the bars, talk shit to blackhawk fans and then bust out to the sorostitutes and slampieces "see this bro right here? yeah he just got drafted by the rangers and the drinks are on him."

letterman is such a boss, end of discussion.

ih

BROhemian Rhapsody said...

I just wanna say for the record, that banging a girl and then finding out afterward that she is 16 is, in fact, extremely bro...

i suppose banging a girl gives you X amount of bro points depending on how hot she is, and the number of years underage that she is, becomes the multiplier

for instance, if you smash a chick and your bros think that she was hot, the consensus might be that you earned 100 bro points... if she was 16, you would multiply that number by 2 or 3, depending on your scoring system...

afBRO man said...

bros know that shotgun for the BROad trip is decided my BROck paper scissors... or even tic-tac-Bro. then its a free for all to see if u get a windBro seat in the back or if ur stuck riding Bra (bitch).

Anonymous said...

Banging a chick who is 16 is not bro. Mostly because going to jail and being a pedophile is not bro at all.

Bropenhagen said...

It is a well known fact that any car ride over 30 min. qualifies as an great chance for bro's to drink in a car. My bro's and I recently traveled to an away game to heckle and tailgate. Bro's love getting thirty racks and pounding that shit on the road trip over. Best part of getting thirty racks is throwing empty cans at passing bro haters on the highway letting them know that they just passed a car full of bro's who don't give a fuck about the environment.

Abe Broman, The Sausage King of Chicago said...

Spring Break is the ultimate Broad Trip. A week of banging slam pieces which deserves many Broad beers on the way down

Broseph Addai said...

Broad Trips are the easiest way to fucking hammer some ice beers, smoke blunts, and take on a slam piece on your bro's couch. Because if you are a real fucking bro then you have no shame fucking a slam piece in public.

Anonymous said...

IU is full of bros,we don't have a fall break.

Anonymous said...

Road trips are fuckin awsome. Me and my bros were out one night in CT and we got so fucked up we decided to drive to Miami.WE got half way there and ran out of drugs to keep up awake. We ended up just chillin in Myrtle Beach for a few days with some slam pieces.

Anonymous said...

Bro-Trips can also be known as "Mancations"
I just went on a mancation to Reno with three buddies from Law School, and we were hammered off Jack and Natty Ice within 1 hour of getting on the road (at 8am). So, we stay hamboned the whole 8 hour drive, pissed on random buildings in random podunk nevada towns, and finally arrived in reno ready to continue the night. We then went out to the bar with the cheapest drinks, did about five $1 shots each and then slept in our clothes at a bro's house after breaking in through the kitchen window. At one point my brozilla threw up so hard he got a bloody nose. We fuckin rock.

Anonymous said...

Real Bros smoke meth out of lightbulbs while driving fosho

Anonymous said...

Me and my bros had planned a broad trip fro the past 2 months for them to drive down to SC so we could throwdown and enjoy the slam pieces then drive back....When my bro was 2 hours into connecticut the engine started smoking and the car got towed. BUZZKILLINGTON, road trips are still the shit

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