Thursday, October 22, 2009

#84 Homecoming

It's Mid-October. You're sitting in the same cube you've sat in for the past three months aka since your Dad got you the job. Work fucking sucks. You've quickly learned that unlike in College, when you get blacked out on a weeknight, you can't just sleep through class and get the power point notes on Blackboard or just #65 cheat off some fucking nerd for the exam. After blowing all your sick days during the summer due to eight separate "food poisoning" instances, you are going to be forced to do your Friday morning alcohol-induced #48 dry heaves in your cube and hope that no one notices. Just when you think that things can not be getting any worse, your 45 year old divorced co-worker comes up to your cube as you and your work bro are #1 talking about how fucked up you got on the weekend.

"Hey, I guess I didn't get the memo!"
"What the hell are you talking about," you snap back.
"That today was blue shirt day!"

As you quickly glance at you and your bro's shirts, you realize that they are both blue. Fucking hilarious. As a bro, you are fucking dying to start screaming about the reasons the old bitch's husband probably divorced her, but since you need your job to pay for bar tabs, you just offer fake laughter. As a part of you dies, you sit back in your chair to pretend like you are doing work while you're really emailing College bros making fun of each other for #78 fat girls you all banged in College. That's when you see the email subject, "This Weekend." You open it up only to see the sweetest thing you're eyes have seen since you were 12 and would get those split-seconds of clear pictures on the scrambled porn channel. It's fucking Homecoming weekend.

For the non-bro population, Homecoming represents a time for the University to show their alumni just how much progress they have made in the Academic and Athletic world. Tours are often provided, seminars are given, and ice cream socials are popular. If you have ever had a fucking scoop of Neoplolitan ice cream at a Homecoming event, you are not a fucking bro. Get the fuck out of here and go back to where you belong: crying on the sideline because no one ever picked you to play team sports. Bros fucking dominate Homecoming. Obviously, they've been back to school already this year to get fucked up and check out the Football team, but homecoming is the one weekend where everyone you went to school with finally comes back to campus to get fucked up. Here's a couple of the most popular Homecoming pastimes.

Multiple Generations of Slam Pieces - Remember all those hot girls when you were at College who had really serious boyfriends? Well you know what? Last summer something happened - they got dumped. This is because their boyfriends woke up out of their trance and realized they wasted their entire College career and that they are only 22 years old and need to bang a lot more girls before they even thinks about getting married. Well guess what - they are going to be at Homecoming and looking to get some revenge on their old boyfriend by banging you. While this is a fucking layup line, don't waste all your time as the rebound bro, theres a whole new crop of girls to choose from. That's right the Freshmen. Spending the night in a Freshman dorm at Homecoming is pretty much about as bro as it gets. The great thing about this is that the older you get, the more bro points you earn. If you're like 33 and wake up in a dorm next to a girl born in 1990, then you sir can take your throne. This also works for undergrad bros trying to get knee deep in alumni slam pieces. The 29 year old girl who hooks up with the 20 year old bro will wake up in the morning laughing with all her friends about how her walk of shame was "soo College" and how she is "such a #39 cougar." Laugh all you want, but deep down inside, you know what you really are: pathetic.

Fucking With Campus Police- Since Homecoming is primarily meant to raise money from Alumni for the school, this means that those who benefit from payment from the school, i.e. the Rent-a-cops aka Campus Security aren't going to do anything to cause Alumni to have a shitty weekend. You better fucking believe bros realize this and take this invincibility to absolutely shit all over school property. Bros hated Campus Security during their time at College as much as Ryan Moats hates obeying laws. Campus Police were always trying to stop fun bro games. Timeless classics such as the "push the rape emergency button and run" game was for some reason looked down upon by the Bro-Hater security guards. But now it's payback time. Taunting the cops by #4 chanting shit like "JV Po-lice" and "Oink, Oink, Oink" to the tune of the beginning of "Eye of the Tiger" would get you into trouble on most occasions but not at fucking Homecoming. And if some fucking hotshot Campus Cop tries to be a fucking hero and tell you to get off campus or worse stop smashing bottles in front of the President's house, just remind that pig who's boss. Sure you haven't donated to the school and don't really plan on doing it anytime soon, but he doesn't fucking know that. Let him know you pay his salary, making him your property. Then tell him to go buy you and your bros some fucking beer. If he asks for cash, don't give him shit. Tell him he already has the beer money - it's called his fucking paycheck.

So as you go back to your College campuses this year, remember - graduation marks just the start of your bro career. Homecoming gives a bro a once a year chance to show just how much of a bro he has become. Be all the bro that you can be.

33 comments:

Anonymous said...

Great post NYB.

Question: is there a way to archive the old posts. I recently tunred some bros in training on to the site, but they can't read all the old ones. Thanks.

Ned's Younger Brother said...

They're all under "The List" in the left hand column.

Anonymous said...

Shit I'm retaded, thanks. Too hungover today.

Kenny BROwers said...

Me and my bros celebrated parent's weekend last sat. by chanting "DAUGHTERS" and thanking every father we saw. This was followed by "BuffalHOES" and "BuffalWHORES" to pay homage to the greatest fuckin school ever, CU Buffs. Some dad thought he was Bro and tried to say something, then realized our tailgate was full of Bros, and was resigned to relinquish his daughter to us.

broman polanski said...

This site brings me back to the days of the Beer Lodge...great work...i'd like to get a tally on how many times bros have gotten food poisoning. the results must be staggering

jeremy broenick said...

i was at the bar last night and heard a "steven phillips" chant in between lets go yankees...epic!!!!!! in between chants are awesome, especially when the concession guy chants the "ice cold soda"

Otis Allan GlazeBRO said...

One homecoming we put up a huge tent in the back yard and had horse trofts full of Keystone and a pig roasting. Full of Bros and slam pieces. The fucking campus police decide to show up and tell us we cant drink alcohol outside. Needless to say one of our Alumni Bros is an FBI agent and another is one of Chicagos finest. Next thing you know those bitch ass rent-a-cops are walking back to their car with their heads down jealous of the slam pieces we were going to be mounting later. Before the semester was up though we got booted out of our on-campus house..Was it worth it? You're fucking right it was. Bros dont give a fuck about the future. Its all about the moment...

MariBro Kart said...

BOOM SHAKALAKA! great post! ah fuckin love homecoming- getting fucked up bad an' slammin dem freshmen hoes. fuckin great times bro. ah just pounded uh freshmen all night long wiff nahh sleep. might gots gotten her pregnant, who knows??? I'm uh bro though!

Anonymous said...

False manhood? Check. Lack of respect for...pretty much everyone? Check. Lazy ass hole? Check. This website is pretty much a hot zone for all that is wrong with America today. Congratulations. This is filthy.

Teddy Broosevelt said...

Three word annoymous. You. Are. Gay.

Collin said...

Anonymous Bro-hater. I hope you fall off a tall building into your gay parter.

Anonymous said...

Bro Hater:
YOU are what is wrong with America
YOUR opinions are as queer as a rainbow

Racial BROfiler said...

Anonymous Bro Hater,

All that is wrong with America today? This website is more American than drinking Jack Daniels and watching The Patriot. Go back to your low income job, your Sears neck ties, and Kia hatchback you fucking loser. Game point.

BROhemian Rhapsody said...

anonymous bro hater DOES make one good point though - lack of respect for everyone? yes - if you want respect, you have to fucking earn it, and posting some gay ass bullshit on a bros website is certainly not the way to do so - so yes, we will continue to hate/disrespect you and your inferior kind

on another note, this is a great post, being a post-college bro, i can really appreciate this - workplace scenario wasting time, waiting for the weekend, dealing with stupid fucking co-workers saying, "i didnt get the memo about blue shirt day" - fucking hysterical, so on point too - someone in my office made an extremely similar comment to me last week when me and 2 other post-college bro's just so happened to all be wearing some type of green shirt - fucking lamers... if i ever get to a point in my life where i consider THAT to be a commical or worthwhile comment, remind me to buy as much alcohol, cocaine, heroin and exstacy as possible so i can OD immediately (bc that is how a true bro would go out, either that or having a heart attack from ingesting too much viagra at the age of 60 while smashing a hot 20 year old prostitute)

Anonymous said...

Great post except for one major issue: Neobrolitan ice cream is fucking spectacular. NYB you're better than that.]

ihsv

Bro Cocker said...

NYB- I'm lovin the work you're doin on this site. There is one thing thats missing. Paying homage to the ultimate bro... Tucker Max.

Anonymous said...

absolute truth

Anonymous said...

NYB can we get a post about the ultimate bro-hater. Aka the fucking loser that still lives back in your hometown mowing lawns and moving furniture like a bitch. You know that kid that thought he was the shit in high school but no one liked. The kid who talks shit about ur frat and tries to mock u when ur back home for the weekend. And the only reason you've rAn into him is bc He's bagging groceries at the local grocery store and couldn't finish one year of community college. We all know this ultimTe bro-hater is just jealous because he knows your railing out slampieces and getting drunk on the reg while he's working everyday and jerking off to pictures of the girl u banged in high school

a-brod said...

What's with all this "dude you were so wasted last night" bullshit bro-haters like to say? As if that's a bad thing. Of course I was fucking wasted, I'm a bro. What's the point of going out if I'm not visiting blackout town? Do these fucking bro-haters honestly think I give a shit about spending time with them? That I care to remember whatever stupid thoughts they have or what they think about universal healthcare?

No. I want to go out, get drunk, and bang slam pieces. Score 1 for the good guys.

Bill Bromanowski said...

Anonymous bro-hater, sorry you didn't get a bid, really. The hot zone for whats wrong with America starts with your dresser full of tube socks, carpenter jorts and button up short sleeve shirts with dragons on them. Na-nu na-nu you fuck.

And this post is epic. Homecoming was last weekend and you fucking nailed it. I have nothing to add. If the school planned an ice cream social or tour I was WAY to drunk you notice. Brilliant.

erik said...

lol, anonymous bro-hater is whack. Go find a site to talk about how to get that sand out of ur vag dude. This sites clearly not for you. "waa you're what's wrong with America." WE ARE AMERICA MOTHA FUCKAH

Anonymous said...

Anonymous brohater:

Go write poetry under a fucking rainbow.

Your a Fag

Anonymous said...

ive been straight up bro-in out on this site for like 5 hours.

Alpha Tau Bromega said...

One thing i felt was missing on the run down for homecoming that all bros no doubt enjoy. This of course would be hazing the new pledges that are rolling threw the frat house of any said bro. graduating in 96 and hazing the 06 pledges 10 years later... Total bro move

The X Bromosome said...

http://heartsavvy.blogspot.com/2009/10/why-im-not-slut.html

Keep on keepin on, NYB.

I've had some of the best sex of my life with straight up bros. They never called. Because I didn't give them my fucking number! Just because we want to use your body as a jungle gym, don't think we're all clingers.

Have fun, bros. Keep breeding big dicks with thick wallets.

Bro vs. Wade said...

Hey Racial BROfiler, your comment was fucking awesome cause just this past saturday I watched the patriot while killing a handle of jack daniels with 3 other bros before going out to the bars

Fratrick Bateman said...

What the fuck is with these public service ads. Bros hate it when people ask for their money. For advice on dealing with beggars, just ask Bateman. Beggars reek of shit.

Broman Hammerlick said...

NYB, I recently got turned onto this site and its the best fucking thing ever.Every bro can relate perfectly to what you say and you have such a bro way of saying it. job well done!

Anonymous said...

hope you all get stds and have daughter's that are "slam pieces" who get stds too.

your glory days are over. get a life and MAYBE you'll land a QUALITY woman some day.

Anonymous said...

anonymous bro hater it must be hard knowing how useless your piece of shit life is while bros are out getting fucked up and hooxing with QUAlITY women your working your ass off for some shit job thatll get you through the month and pay for your mom's std medication. bros are and will always be better than you

Anonymous said...

Most recent anonymous bro hater, I taxed your mom last night pulled out and she swallowed your step-siblings. Now go back to your lame 25k a year job sweeping streets. Brohemian

Otis Allan GlazeBRO said...

hey Brosefs, Anonymous is right about one thing though. If we ever had a mistake and didnt pull out fast enough and unfortunately had a little lady on the way. you're fucking a right it will be a Slam Piece. A true Bro's cum is like fucking gold. thats why slam pieces like gargling that shit up. Our genes our as good as the rolled up $100 bills in every Bros pocket on a given night.....

Ali G as BROrat... Sexytime said...

Used to seriously enjoy walking past tour groups and parents bringing their daughters for a tour of their prospective school. a key line was "Wet T-Shirt Contest at 392 tonight u already have my vote!" or talking loudly with ur bros about the easy availabilty of coke and the consistent cases of date rape.

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