It’s Tuesday morning. You and your bros stayed out until 2 AM celebrating your miracle come from behind #62 fantasy football victory on Monday night, so today you are hungover as shit. You just downed two sausage biscuits, a large coffee, and took a dump the size of that fat bitch on “The Facts of Life.” You’re feeling better, but there’s still not a chance in hell you’ll be doing any work today. As you go to hide in your cube for the next six hours, you get a knock at your panel. Oh god, it’s the guy who all of the sudden became a political junky last year just because Obama was running for President. He’s been sending you shit about volunteering for the Democratic party for like six months just because you said you remember Reggie Love playing at Duke. As he stares at you, you immediately realize what’s going on. He’s got like three stickers saying, “I Voted.” Fuck. It’s Election Day.
“Hey, I don’t see your sticker, did you get out to ‘Rock the Vote’ Today??”
“Do I look like the type of person who would be ‘Rocking the Vote?’”
As he drones on for 20 minutes about how its your “civic duty” and about all the people who died for your right to vote, all you can think about is if it is possible to take a nap on the toilet. You don’t give a fuck about what he’s saying. You’re a bro and you fucking hate to vote.
Bros are smart as shit, so they recognized from an early age that voting is nothing more than a fucking waste of time. Seriously, when has an election ever been decided by just one vote? Fucking never. So, what difference does your vote make? Try none. Bros only vote on things that matter – like who's the hottest porn star or SportsNation polls on ESPN.com. Have you ever seen the line to go vote? It’s fucking long as shit. I’m not standing in that – I have much more important shit to do. There’s only one type of line bros like. I’ll give you a hint: it’s long and white and you can find it on a fucking mirror.
Bros don’t give a shit about politics. That’s for fucking loser nerds who did Model UN in College and old people who have nothing better to do other than go to Church like five times a day. Besides, these fucking politicians don’t even support bro issues, so why the fuck should we support them? Honestly, not one candidate out there ever talks about pressing matters like the legalization of marijuana or gambling. I mean the least you can do is allow sports betting. Since bros know everything there is to know about sports, betting on it really shouldn’t even be considered gambling.
So this Election Day, when Captain fucking America comes around to give you shit for not voting, let him know that he’s the fucking loser for wasting his time. After he goes back to his desk to start his 100th email chain of the day about how voting is cool since Diddy does it, sit back, relax, and watch some more Youtube clips of people getting hurt. It’s what some of the greatest bros of all-time, our forefathers, would have wanted. God Bless America. God Bless Bros.