You can’t believe you are actually here. After hours of begging and threatening to cut off your tuition and even worse your trust fund, you finally agreed. God your Mom is being such a bitch. Just because her Aunt died at the age of 90, she is making a huge fucking deal about the whole family getting together to go to her funeral. First of all, you’re a fucking bro, so you obviously hate going to Church. More importantly, your Great Aunt was poor as shit. There’s no chance you are even getting an inheritance. Talk about a fucking waste of time. You struggle through the funeral ceremony thinking about medieval tortures you would rather endure than this shit. After your Great Aunt What’s Her Name is finally buried, you and your cousin talk about how you would have rather spent the last two hours watching “Bride Wars” when you walk into the reception. That’s when you hear the six most magical words outside of "It's ok, I'm on the pill" that a bro could ever hope to hear: “Help yourself to the open bar.”
Immediately you rush to the front of the line, almost knocking over your grieving Great Uncle looking to drown his sorrows. You down two Crown and Cokes immediately and ask for more. Two more down the hatch. You can’t feel shit so you demand the bartender give you shots. He pours you 10 shots of Jack after you promise other people would be taking them with you. Fucking idiot – never trust a bro on a “Trail of Beers.” After taking six, your Mom grabs you to stop “making a fool of yourself.” You tell her to “Fuck off – I’m in mourning!” Finally, you are getting buzzed. You try to get your Grandma to do a shot with you, she refuses. You start #4 chanting her name, but that doesn’t work either. Fucking bro-hater. You decide you want to make your Grandpa proud by showing him how much quality ass you’ve pulled this semester, so you break out the iPhone to show him the picture of the slam piece you slayed last weekend. You start to get into serious details about what she likes in bed, when you look at him and he’s slowly shaking his head. As the entire funeral reception stares at you in disbelief, you realize what they want – a song. You decide to go with a classic: #10 Sweet Caroline. After every “Da” in “Da Da Da,” you decide to take a shot. After the third shot you start to feel it. All that salmon you just shoved down your throat is swimming upstream. You stumble around the room as your audience gasps. You head directly for the corner, which is also the home of all the pictures of your Great Aunt. Like an experienced bulimic, you #48 unload everything in your stomach. You turn around and your entire family looks in disbelief. Sorry treasured memories, but this bro just rocked the shit out of this #82 after-funeral. It’s not your fault, you’re a fucking bro and you love getting wasted at inappropriate times.
It’s an age-old debate. What do bros hate more? #24 Condoms or Sobriety? While many scholars have developed countless theories, one thing is absolutely certain: bros love getting fucked up. Bros also love letting everyone and their fucking mothers know that they are the most important people in the room. What better way to let everyone know how fucking awesome you are than getting fucked up at a time when bro-hater society says you shouldn’t be? While bro-haters will “enjoy a glass of wine with dinner” or be “really naughty” and have a mimosa for breakfast, bros get fucked up whenever and wherever they fucking want. Let’s take a look at a couple key times where bros can demonstrate their dominance over society.
Around Children – If you have ever decided to cut back on your drinking just because kids are around, you are not a bro. A true bro never holds back on getting fucked up just because some deadbeat parents decided to be cheap and not get a babysitter. Besides, kids are fun as shit to get fucked up with. It’s always fucking hilarious to see their faces when they have their first sips of beer. Really takes you back. I always find that kids are much better at downing shots than you might think. This is usually because they haven’t spent a night next to the toilet for having 20 shots of Aristocrat Tequila – yet. What’s that you say, bro-hater? We shouldn’t be feeding kids alcohol? Fuck you - do you realize how sick of a tolerance these kids will be building? They’ll be fucking bro kings by sophomore year of high school.
Work Parties – What bro doesn’t hate parties at work? Everyone just stands around talking about the weather and shit. That’s where bros come to the rescue. A lot of time there’s not a shitload of brew or liqour at these parties, so you better fucking come prepared. Sneak in a bottle of Jack and #35 pregame the shit out of the event. This works best if there’s no alcohol served, like when someone brings in bagels. Show how much of a bro you are by getting shitty as hell. Then try to #29 grind on anything in a skirt , even if there’s no music. The girls at breakfast may try to play hard to get by pushing you away or making you meet with HR, but that’s just because they are scared. They know you are a bro, making you irresistible, and they are afraid that banging you in front of everyone might make things awkward around the office. Fucking slam pieces and their feelings.
So the next time you are bored out of your fucking mind at some pointless family event like a funeral, remember that you’re a fucking bro. Don’t let the deaths of Bro Pioneers such as Chris Farley and John Belushi be in vain. Get fucked up. We’ve earned it.