Thursday, October 29, 2009

#86 Halloween

Ever since they started walking, bros have learned countless values from Halloween. Bros learned how fucking awesome #2 stealing and #80 giving losers shit is by beating the shit out of kids in crappy costumes and taking their candy. Bros also learned how fucking amazing it is to #55 break shit by destroying all the pumpkins at all the houses that thought it would be fun to give out “Bit-o-Honey” or a fucking toothbrush instead of real candy. But as bros got older and beating the shit out of little kids in their crappy Ghostbusters costumes got too easy and boring aka illegal, they found new things to love about the holiday. Bros quickly discovered the true meaning of Halloween: guilt-free passes for slam pieces to dress up like fucking sluts. Bros fucking love Halloween.

Honestly, any day where the bro-hater that is society loosens it’s dictatorship on judging sluts and allows them to walk around bars dressed like a whore aka the way God intended them to dress is a-ok in my book. No matter what, every girl will be out in some sort of slutty outfit and if they aren’t they are either fat as shit, meaning they don’t deserve to be seen by other humans in the first place, or they are a fucking dyke, in which case they will be dressed in the same biker chick costume they dress up in everyday. So what is the greatest lesson that Halloween proves? If you just said, “That people love Haunted Hayrides!” seriously, get the fuck out of here and get caught up on how fat Khloe Khardashian has gotten. The point is – all slam pieces love dressing slutty on Halloween and would do it every fucking day if it weren’t for the biggest bro-hater of all fucking time, society, telling them they couldn’t. Anyways, in order to best experience the biggest holiday of the year for any bro, make sure to do the following.

Support Slutty Costumes – Why do you think girls love dressing up like sluts so much? It’s because they want bros to fucking notice them. What better way to show that you like what they are presenting than a late night Halloween rogering? Sure it’s nice to wake up the next morning and see that slutty Snow White costume lying next to your bed, but the real payoff happens after you wake up. After getting in your morning sesh, you let the slam piece know it’s time to fucking go. She’ll probably ask for sweatpants and a shirt, but do not, I repeat, DO NOT give them to her. Make her take the walk of shame alone for all to see. It doesn’t get much better than seeing the looks on the faces of your neighbors as your slam piece walks out of your door and starts her high heeled walk home, hungover as shit and dressed like a fairy tale hooker.

Honor The Dead – Even though the primary purpose of the holiday is so girls can finally dress up like a “slutty Wilma Flintstone,” I’m pretty sure the original meaning was to pay homage to the deceased. Bros are smart as shit, so you better fucking believe they will honor this tradition. When I say honor the dead, I’m not talking about dressing up like some fucking Mummy or Vampire or any shit like that. I’m talking about “honoring” celebrities who died suddenly or any other recent tragedies. Just like with their #62 fantasy football team name, bros fucking love pushing the envelope because it’s funny as shit. In past years, bros have dressed up like Natalie Holloway, Lacy Peterson, or even an Amish kid with a bullet wound on his forehead. All fucking gold. This year look out for bros dressed up like a Ninja with a noose around their neck and a bottle of Jergens in one of hands hands aka David Carradine. Also look out for Michael Jackson. Sure there will be a shitload of them, but you’ll know who the bros are because they will have a huge smile on their face and will be carrying a bunch of baby dolls. Ask him why he has the babies and he’ll tell you in his high-pitched voice, “They’re just my unbaptized friends I met in purgatory! Being dead is amazing!”

So this year, as you hit the bars dressed up in your Steve McNair jersey, make sure to honor the sacred traditions of Halloween along with the dead by doing some slaying of your own: slam pieces.

39 comments:

Anonymous said...

Fellow bros indulge at the thought of fucking a slut version of little bo peep or red riding hood. Bros nationwide love re-counting their stories of which naughty angel or devil took it on the dumper Halloween night. BRO. ARE. LEGIT

MariBro Kart said...

I git dressed up so pimp-tight dat nahh one even knows I'm dressed up. For instance, I usually dress up as uh celebrity, an' peeps th'o't I be actually dat celebrity. They th'o't I just left Hollywood, showed up at da party, didn't dress up, an' just came ta
party. This happens every year. Here iz what I dressed up as in da past: Jack Black, Brad Pitt, Yokozuna, an' Chris Rock. No one ever knew any wuz costumes. This year I be going ta be Yao Ming.

Anonymous said...

allows bro's to see what the "good slampieces" look like when they want to be sexy, when they are usually dressing conservative. opens a whole new catalog of slampieces for guys to look at.

Jake said...

Bros love fucking the shit out of slam pieces dressed like whores.

Anonymous said...

While I agree that Bros love Halloween, I was definitely gunning for the World Series. What the fuck is better than slamming tons of brews and arguing with your bros about whether slugging or on base percentage are better indicators of a hitter's ability as many as seven times in a row? That's what the fuck I thought. Noting.

Bron Paul said...

I'll take hot slampiece wearing nothing but a cloth over the world series any fucking day. I am willing to miss a game to get laser faced drunk with some sluts. I couldnt agree more, Bros fucking love Halloween and bros fucking love fucking whores.

Bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

Here's wen you pull out the trump card on halloween by dressing up as something that not only is cool as shit but getting fucked up is part of the costume. I'm talking of course about a fucking soccer hooligan. What better way to get fucked up than a costume that is the definition of what pounding brews is all about. Plus you get to talk in crazy british accents all nite long and talk mad shit to everyone while chanting to your bros,"Get Some Drinks In, Get Some Drinks In"...best part is, you can get a two-for and convince some random broad that you are british. Sure its just a halloween costume, but shes a woman and by definition is dumb as shit and will believe anything. She'll be counting down the time until you take her home and rail that slut. Then she can tell her friends it was one night with a foreign guy so she wont feel bad. I fucking love that shit. Go Fucking Mental Boys!!

brOrlando said...

Halloween is the fuckin shit and so are bros!

My welcome to slutty Halloween moment came freshman year at Penn St. Of course we pre-gamed this party with the obligatory handle of 80 proof Vlady vodka. We did not mix or use chasers because we were bros and chasers are for pussies and communists anyways. To make a long story short I took a slam piece with bangin double D's home with me and slayed her. She then walked back to her dorm that night dressed as Marilyn Monroe. Those dorm beds are small as shit. Fuck that little fake mole on her cheek was sexy.

The end.

Also, thank you NYB for giving me something to do at work that isn't work. But, the Florida/Georgia game this weekend is gonna be an all you can fuck slampiece buffet. Bro heaven.

brOrlando said...

Also I am dressing up as Billy Mays, complete with blow under the nose.

Anonymous said...

Halloween is also the one night that my favorite game grab assing is not only acceptable but encouraged by slam pieces

Anonymous said...

Bros fucking love run-on sentences.

David said...

Real bros love brolloween. bros will of course pre-game at some fucking lame party and try to fuck a slam piece or two..then go to some bullshit bar where fucking slamming brew dogs and having a constant broner because of all the slutty slam pieces is a bros perfect night out. then when they are still awake at 4AM from all the brocaine they take home the slam piece and show her your bro-stick. and of course, bros dont use condoms. those are for pussies.

i am being a vagina for halloween, because slam pieces will be so offended by it that it will create the perfect opening for a bronversation about slamming. i showed you mine now you show me yours.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000VW073C

Bro Chi Minh said...

on Halloween i got really wasted and i went to a party. At the party, there were tons of slam pieces. they were just asking for me to fuck them. So i did, then left right after and never called them back. I got a voice mail recently that said from one of them and they said they were packin a baby. i didn't give a shit, im a bro, so i made her cry and told her she was fat as hell.

Anonymous said...

Come on. Halloween and New Years are amatuer nights. Number 1, girls dress slutty all the time. Number 2, look at Number 1.

Bro-Bo Cop (the Original) said...

True bros go to Vegas for Halloween. Rolling face and drinking till we are near death then fucking slam pieces.

Broseph said...

Bros also love dressing up as people who do not actually exist, aka movie character like Kenny Powers and Henry Rowengartner. A Steve Stifler East Great Falls Lax shirt is also classic

NaBrolean DineOnAdike said...

fucking solid posts week after week my fellow bro. however you should pay homage to some of the ultimate bros, pornstars. these bros bang the hottest slam pieces with the fakest tits and make bank doing it. those bitches ride their cocks and then beg for a hot load right in their eye. fucking brofessionals right there

Poop Dick said...

99.9% of male porn stars don't make shit unless they do a gay scene. It sucks. I hate putting my dick in another dude's mouth and ass but I have a good imagination so I usually pretend it is a hot chick!

Anonymous said...

NYB - i'm a bra and i think you are absolutely hilarious!! i hope you won't be offended if i say i'm in love with you - don't worry, i know you could never have feelings for me. i just discovered this website a couple days ago and am totally addicted! i just have to know - where did you go to high school? my guess is gonzaga although considering the fact that you talk about all your crazy partying (at william and mary..hm not so sure), you could have actually gone to a lame school like o'connell or good counsel. either way, you're still a bro and therefore, as a slampiece, i would blow you anytime!
katie

Anonymous said...

Billy Mays here with the greatest costume of last night...

Paul Bro'neil said...

TRUE BROS GIVE OUT PROTEIN INSTEAD OF CANDY!

Anonymous said...

Someone has to go dressed as a dog wearing a Vick jersey, or just a Vick jersey and a couple dogs hanging around your neck, total bro move.

Broey Galloway said...

Every year I am the same thing for Halloween-Ben Roethlisberger. It's bro as shit. I fuckin hate dressing up for Halloween and taking the time to think about what the fuck I'm going to wear to give myself the best shot at blasting a slampiece in the mouth. Because I'm such a fucking bro I have a huge fucking collection of NFL jerseys that could fill up your mexican friends house. But the reason I always go with Bro Roethlisberger is because he is a fuckin bro. He is notorious for blasting slampieces in the face. All hail bro Roethlisberger and my fucking bro as shit halloween costume. Broey Galloway out.

Anonymous said...

Last night I fucked a girl in my bro's fraternity's bathroom shower then I got dressed and left her... 30 minutes later I see my friend making out with her and then bringing her up to his room... He got my sloppy seconds in his frat house.. Bro's fuckin' rule

Brohammed the Prophet said...

Billy Mays R.I.P

BROnaldinho said...

I dressed up as a bro hater. bad idea, no slam pieces came my way

Anonymous said...

NYB, I am a bra and think you are the shit... this site is fucking hilarious. Thank you to whoever showed me this! Bros. Are. The. Shit. -Slampiece

BROfessor D said...

brotastic.

Matthew said...

We need to compile a list of the top 10 most glorious Brotastic songs of all time.

Anonymous said...

http://www.stumbleupon.com/s/#2YF2pB/survivingtheworld.net/Lesson482.html/

bros

Matthew J. said...

Honor the dead, Johnny Cash for halloween

Anonymous said...

Tonight, after racking up a frattab that reached the 500 mark and getting reintroduced to my long lost friend the Mint fucking Julep, I pondered the question of why sorostitutes dress so slutty on Halloween.

Let's be honest with ourselves. It's nature, and by nature, I mean, of course, that, for some strange reason, on every October 31st, the stars and moon align at a specific angle, causing all the sorostitutes' menstrual cycles here on Earth to abrubtly switch to that phase of the cycle when their hormones are raging. On this night, the ovaries are practically begging (if they had a mouth) to meet a new friend in the form of a bro. To satisfy this pressing instinct, a sorostitute will dress in a manner that has the maximum potential to attract fratdaddy's most personal anatomical part. This getup, therefore, will surely consist of clothes that would more properly fit on a child friend of the late Michael Jackson than someone who is legal to drink in Windsor. Consider the magnet, with the young lady being the South Pole and the fraternity bro being the North Pole; as long as the charge emitted from the sorostitute's costume is strong enough, the two are inevitably drawn together. Combine this with the playing of Miley Cyrus's "(S)Party in the U.S.A", and you have a brona fide path cleared out for two young fuckbuddies to either have FAS babies unless they take that awkward late-night trip to CVS to renew a certain someone's Morning-After prescription.

Some may conclude that I fabricated this entire theory, but these are the scientific facts, the completely unhyperbolic, unfabricated facts. And besides, who the fuck are you to question me?

By the way, if this was not a good post at all and was a complete waste if your time, well whatever sorry because it's likely I won't remember any of this post that, looking back on it, is probably as long as the fucking Lord of the Rings trilogy.

Bro hard bros.

-Scotch on the Brocks

Bill BROmanowski said...

Solid post bro. Oscar the grouch this year, yelling "I live in a fucking trash can" in front of children who worship my character. Second year in a row the bro-stick chose a slutty bumble bee. Keep 'em coming NYB.

Anonymous said...

dude the best way to have halloween part 2, 3, 4, etc is the classic costume party. someone's birthday comes around and an epic party is needed, just make it a fuckin themed party and u get slampieces dressing up like halloween all over again.

Anonymous said...

3 years ago i brought this slam pig dressed as strawberry shortcake back home after a halloween party. slammed her in my room. She was drunk as fuck. In the morning my madre knocks on the door and asks me if i want to go to church with her not having any clue strawberry shortcake was laying in my bed naked with her white/green stripe socks hiked up. Glad i had the door locked hahahaha. Oh and i told her i'd hafta pass on church

broseidon said...

So on Halloween, my #1 bro Paul was getting domed up by this slumpbuster. Of course he was drunk as shit and had just shotgunned like 10 beers in a row because he's a bro. When he was about to bust, he pulled his cock out of her mouth to release all over her titties and demean her. Due to the copious amount of beer he had consumed and to the fact that he had not peed all night, as soon as he plastered her titties with his bro-load, his willie drooped like dog ears and a warm golden stream shot fourth from his shoot. She is now known as PBR (Paul's Bathroom) and he is now hailed as one of the mightiest bros to ever walk the streets of DC.

Anonymous said...

Every bro in their right mind knows that halloween is at minimum a 3-day weekend(but who are we kiddin, bros get fucked up every night). Those three magical nights just happen to be when bras are truly reaching their true slut potential, and this year my bros and I were sure to cover all our bases. slutty cops, slutty indians, dirty refs, they all have one thing in common, they're craving dick and we were happy to supply(to any bra that wasn't a whale or looked like she'd had a name like the pterodactyl in high school)

The Man With Bro Name said...

Halloween is the shit. Slampieces spend hours of prep time and hundreds of dollars coming up with the sluttiest, whoriest costume imaginable just to solicit some D from the bros at the party.

Bros meanwhile, can make any costume they need out of duct tape and empty boxes of natty light. Takes all of 5 minutes and saves us a trip to the garbage can. All we have to do then is just get shithoused and watch the slutholes strut around in front of us all night like a goddamn Macy's Day Whore Parade, which ends with us making a deposit in a cumdumpster and never calling again.

Whoever invented Halloween was definitely a bro-visionary.

Bro life.

Faceplant said...

I go to Brohio university or commonly refered to as brOU Ohio University and from those who have attended our halloween can agree we have a huge fucking rager everywhere in athens ohio. Bro out.

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