Ever since they started walking, bros have learned countless values from Halloween. Bros learned how fucking awesome #2 stealing and #80 giving losers shit is by beating the shit out of kids in crappy costumes and taking their candy. Bros also learned how fucking amazing it is to #55 break shit by destroying all the pumpkins at all the houses that thought it would be fun to give out “Bit-o-Honey” or a fucking toothbrush instead of real candy. But as bros got older and beating the shit out of little kids in their crappy Ghostbusters costumes got too easy and boring aka illegal, they found new things to love about the holiday. Bros quickly discovered the true meaning of Halloween: guilt-free passes for slam pieces to dress up like fucking sluts. Bros fucking love Halloween.
Honestly, any day where the bro-hater that is society loosens it’s dictatorship on judging sluts and allows them to walk around bars dressed like a whore aka the way God intended them to dress is a-ok in my book. No matter what, every girl will be out in some sort of slutty outfit and if they aren’t they are either fat as shit, meaning they don’t deserve to be seen by other humans in the first place, or they are a fucking dyke, in which case they will be dressed in the same biker chick costume they dress up in everyday. So what is the greatest lesson that Halloween proves? If you just said, “That people love Haunted Hayrides!” seriously, get the fuck out of here and get caught up on how fat Khloe Khardashian has gotten. The point is – all slam pieces love dressing slutty on Halloween and would do it every fucking day if it weren’t for the biggest bro-hater of all fucking time, society, telling them they couldn’t. Anyways, in order to best experience the biggest holiday of the year for any bro, make sure to do the following.
Support Slutty Costumes – Why do you think girls love dressing up like sluts so much? It’s because they want bros to fucking notice them. What better way to show that you like what they are presenting than a late night Halloween rogering? Sure it’s nice to wake up the next morning and see that slutty Snow White costume lying next to your bed, but the real payoff happens after you wake up. After getting in your morning sesh, you let the slam piece know it’s time to fucking go. She’ll probably ask for sweatpants and a shirt, but do not, I repeat, DO NOT give them to her. Make her take the walk of shame alone for all to see. It doesn’t get much better than seeing the looks on the faces of your neighbors as your slam piece walks out of your door and starts her high heeled walk home, hungover as shit and dressed like a fairy tale hooker.
Honor The Dead – Even though the primary purpose of the holiday is so girls can finally dress up like a “slutty Wilma Flintstone,” I’m pretty sure the original meaning was to pay homage to the deceased. Bros are smart as shit, so you better fucking believe they will honor this tradition. When I say honor the dead, I’m not talking about dressing up like some fucking Mummy or Vampire or any shit like that. I’m talking about “honoring” celebrities who died suddenly or any other recent tragedies. Just like with their #62 fantasy football team name, bros fucking love pushing the envelope because it’s funny as shit. In past years, bros have dressed up like Natalie Holloway, Lacy Peterson, or even an Amish kid with a bullet wound on his forehead. All fucking gold. This year look out for bros dressed up like a Ninja with a noose around their neck and a bottle of Jergens in one of hands hands aka David Carradine. Also look out for Michael Jackson. Sure there will be a shitload of them, but you’ll know who the bros are because they will have a huge smile on their face and will be carrying a bunch of baby dolls. Ask him why he has the babies and he’ll tell you in his high-pitched voice, “They’re just my unbaptized friends I met in purgatory! Being dead is amazing!”
So this year, as you hit the bars dressed up in your Steve McNair jersey, make sure to honor the sacred traditions of Halloween along with the dead by doing some slaying of your own: slam pieces.