There are certain pastimes that only bros truly know how to enjoy. Such events include having sex with complete strangers, drinking to the point of blacking out, and making sure that girls know that they are in fact the inferior gender. While all of these actions are incredibly important not only to bros, but to the livelihood of the entire country – the fact that they can be done on a daily basis doesn’t make them special.
Apparently March is Women’s History Month, which seems odd to me. What the fuck do they do to honor that? Just get together and watch old episodes of “Supermarket Sweep,” and talk for like two hours about how much cheaper Brillo pads used to be? Anyways, while Women are busy honoring the great kitchen trashbags of our time, bros have other plans. Starting at noon on Thursday, bros across the nation will gather at bars everywhere to honor one of the greatest traditions in history. Clutching their crumpled up sheet of paper with a filled out bracket inside and a pen to circle every team that wins – bros are set for four straight days of 12 hour sessions at the bar watching amateur basketball players and the University of Kentucky. Bros fucking love March Madness.
Honestly, does it get any better than that half an hour leading up to the first tip-off of the first game? While Greg Gumbel and Seth Davis talk some bullshit to fill up time, all you can think about is the huge fucking payout you’re going to win once you get that perfect fucking bracket. "Perfect bracket? Is that even possible?" Shut the fuck up bro-hater, of course it’s fucking possible. Bros know everything there is to know about every fucking team in the tournament. This is most likely because bros have been making money all season long by betting on games. While everyone else was sleeping - you better fucking believe bros were throwing cash at the Midnight Monday WAC games on ESPN.
Bros also know all about the mid-major teams and you better believe bros know who the major upsets are going to be. The beauty of picking an upset, is that say you pick a 14 over a 3 and that shit actually happens – for the rest of your life you can always rub that shit in your bros’ faces because it proves that you are smarter than them. A true bro will also never put all #1 seeds in the Final Four – by doing so, you lose the right to your name for the rest of the tournament and will be known only by your real name: bitch.
When you ask a bro how his bracket is looking, you will never get an answer of “It’s looking good.” That’s because bros have like five different brackets going at once. Bros always have that one “big money” bracket which they care most about, but there are always like 5 or 6 other pools they're in. For bros out of College, one of the brackets is always in the “office pool.” Even though it’s probably for the lowest amount of money, they're always the most frustrating for any working bro. This is because no matter how much research they do for each team, some little old woman who picks all chalk pretty much always wins. The worst is that she’ll never admit that she just picked the higher seeds, but will instead do like 3 minutes of research after winning to defend her picks by saying some shit like, “I just knew Coach Calipinarian could do it!” Fucking please – go back home to your ten cats you fucking psycho.
While bros can pretty much gamble on anything these days, the beauty of March Madness is that it makes you care about games that you wouldn’t give two shits about. Honestly, would anyone in their right mind ever want to see Purdue and Siena square off? Fuck no. But in that first round of games, everyone’s bracket is alive and every fucking point matters. Will you decide with 3 minutes left that you don’t care about your bracket anymore if this 16 seed can knock off the 1? Hell yeah. When the squad you picked to go to the Elite 8 hits a last second 3-pointer to escape in the first round, will you celebrate like you would if your slam piece just agreed to get the abortion? Fuck yeah you will.
With #108 Spring Break in the rear view mirror, and summer still a few months away, bros desperately need something to keep the momentum of the party going. For the next two weeks bros will enjoy one of the greatest pastime of all where #4 chanting, drinking heavily, and gambling are all encouraged. Welcome to March Madness.