Wednesday, March 10, 2010

#109 Being Good Looking

Tonight’s been a fucking shit show. After #35 pregaming at your spot for like six hours watching College basketball and complaining about how it's taking forever for the next season of #27 Eastbound and Down to come out, you and your bros are about to #8 roll out to the bars. Just before you walk out the door, you realize that it was going to be a sloppy night. You just took like 10 shots in a fucking row, and the concept of having thoughts was starting to leave your mind. You told that girl from Econ class with the big cans to meet you at the bar, and if you want to bang her you’re going to have to keep it together. As you and your bros stumble to the bars, you sift through the numbers in your phone to finally find #28 “Econ Slut.” You text her, “Hey – can’t wait to hang out tonight!” Foundation fucking laid. She immediately texts back and says she’ll be there in like a hour – thank God – one less hour of wasting time talking to her before Pound Town. You finally get to the bar and while the bro-hater bouncer tries to say “you’re too drunk to come in, blah blah blah, last time you were here you tried to steal the fountain soda machine, blah blah blah,” you just remind him that #14 your father could have him fired tomorrow. Scared as shit because you’re the fucking man, he finally lets you in. After entering, one of your bros has a great idea: shot contest. It doesn’t get much better than proving your manhood by drinking as many fucking shots as possible. After throwing back like five you tap out. Time to put on the charm. You turn to your boy to tell him that your slut is coming soon, but he just shakes his head at you, “What did you say?” You repeat yourself but this dumb-fuck obviously doesn’t understand English. You tell him he’s a fucking terrorist, but he just shakes his head and says, “You’re wasted man.”

Oh fuck – you’ve drank yourself into the dreaded Helen Keller alcohol coma. You can see everything going on around you but your brain has decided to call it a night. As you scream out incoherent words like you’re Mr. Holland’s son, you see her walk in. Wearing the top she probably spent an hour deciding on wearing so she could send the perfect message of “I’m only a slut for you,” you try to put yourself together. As you approach her things go black. The next morning you wake up amazed to actually be in your own bed.

You whisper to yourself: “How the fuck did I get home last night?”
“You were sooo drunk!!” some strange voice calls out.
“Who the fuck was that!?!” you scream.
“It’s me, (name not important),” as a girl emerges from underneath the covers.
It’s Econ slut – you guys banged. But wait a minute! You couldn’t even talk, much less “spit game.” How the fuck did this hot slut end up in your bed? That’s when you remember: I’m a fucking bro – by definition #83 genetically perfect in every fucking way. While other fucking losers have to do pointless shit like take girls out on #75 dates or hold doors open for them, all you have to do is smile and nod your head. Being one of the best looking people on the fucking planet will take care of the rest. God, its so good to be a fucking bro.

It’s not our fault. Ever since the third grade when like half the girls in the class passed us notes asking if we “like-like” them we knew: we are the cream of the crop. As time passed this shit grew to the point where effortless sex is just a fucking given. Now I know someone is out there, probably toggling between online dating websites and animal porn, yelling at his computer – “NYB you’re a hypocrite!! You care about how good you look just like the fucking #100 Guidos!!” First of all: fuck you – second, bros are nothing like Guidos. Unlike Guidos who have to spend five hours a day getting ready to go out, so they can hit on some “woman” who will probably die of skin cancer in like a year from all her fake tanning, bros take like 2 minutes to get ready. This is because God created us perfect. God obviously wanted bros to be the most attractive people on the pIanet because we’re the smartest and he knew our seed must survive. Unfortunately for God – we have #24 other plans.

Bros also like being tall as shit. I’m 6’4’’ and so are most of my bros. We always love making fun of all the fucking midgets that hang out with us who are only like 6 feet tall. We pretend we can’t even see them when we’re standing and any time they get angry we tell them to “take it easy, Napoleon.” I’ll never understand why they chose to be so short, but whatever, its their own fault. Fucking short losers.

Now to all you fucking haters out there calling me made up words like “shallow,” I can tell one thing about you right off the bat: you are ugly. Please – who in the world is not shallow? Outside of a ridiculously drunk bro on the worst cold streak of his life, who in his right mind would want to bang some #78 fat ugly bitch? I seriously can’t stand all those people who say, “True beauty is on the inside.” Give me a fucking break. I don’t care how “good” of a heart she has – I don’t really think she’ll be finding her Prince Charming anytime soon if she has a face that looks like one of Jigsaw’s victims.

There’s a lot of haters in the world. They hate all the things we’ve earned over our lives. Whether it’s the jobs our fathers got us, the BMW we got for graduation, or even our trust fund, society finds something wrong with it. But when society calls us “ugly” for things we say or do, we have to draw the line. Next time this happens – make sure you tell society who the real ugly one is. Because there’s only one place that true beauty matters: the outside.

66 comments:

tim said...

bro king

Anonymous said...

slam pieces are the "shallow" ones. any stupid fucking slam piece that is lucky enough to hook up with a bro is only doing it to raise her own self esteem. stupid fucking slam pieces

Tony Bromo said...

Once again, you slay the box NYB. Awesome post and lovin the length. Long live bros

Broseidon said...

I'm 6' 7" and built like a Greek god. Last week I had to pick up my sister from her orthodontists office, the receptionist was a total milf she asked me if she could show me something in the back, we ended up bangin in the x-ray room. Then she gave me her daughters number. God I love being a bro

Nathan said...

LOL at so drunk you are Mr. Holland’s son

Anonymous said...

brilliant

Money to BRO said...

I feel like this site was written about me. NYB, another classic post.

Anonymous said...

Story of my life bro. I love the fact that no matter how blacked out or how big of a shitshow I am in a night I always know that I'm going to wake up next to a random sorostitute. Bros are the shit, and are ridiculously good looking.

The Chosen Bro said...

*gives standing ovation*
NYB, you've done it again bro.

Rocky BalBROa said...

Great Post..Shot contests are the shit....another fun bro sport is how many power hours you do in a row....last bro standing proves worthy of bro king.....I fucking love drinking all fucking day with my bros then going into the bar and being the most loud obnoxious mother fucker there....nobody ever says shit cuz we are fuckin bros and they know we stand above them anyway....

SLAMPIECE69 said...

THIS WAS AMAZING. im laughing so hard at the library. (i know BRO HATER) WHEN IS EAST BOUND AND DOWN COMING BACK???!!!

Anonymous said...

Extremely well said

I Fucked Your Mom said...

What a great post from a fellow bro. Tall bros are the shit! Being 6-5 myself, I can't help but wonder why all these midgets don't choose to grow a little, or go live in a cave for the rest of their life... Stop being bitter pieces of shit! Seriously though, Bro Kings across America know that the reason midgets are always pissed off, is because they can't get any girls with their needle-dicks. Grow a couple of inches and stop complaining!!!

Anonymous said...

Bro King, i am too rediculously good looking and slayed 4 slam pieces the last 4 days. life is good to be a bro

Derek Zoolander said...

"I'm pretty sure there's more to life than being really, really ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is."

Once the page loaded and I saw the title, I literally laughed out loud. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Being 6 foot I got a little defensive at one point, but i realized that I am a bro, and I don't give a fuck about anything besides pounding whiskey and pussy, occasionally at the same time, good post nyb

Broseidon, Lord of the Brocean said...

Giving short bros shit is always fun, even if you are 5'9" and a somewhat short bro yourself. However, as our short bro put it one day, "Dude we're fucking bros, how awesome is that?" Nuff' said.

William Jefferson Clinton said...

Being genetically perfect is the shit.
Effortless dome is the oval office. Need i say more?

Great post NYB, great post.

i make girls BROar said...

Tall bros are obv the shit. I am 6'7" and i can pound like a fucking jackhammer. being tall gives you all that extra leverage to make that bich scream your name. Plus tall bros always turn out to be brokings. I can.t understand why napoleon refuses to grow a little. I've also heard from these white beards (aka fucking sluts) that a bro whos short usually is the one with a small penis. Thats the reason why babes dig tall bros. Its just a fucking fact. Tall bros are the shit.

slampiece4u said...

NYB, this post turns me on. You are so fucking hott, I want you to fuck me so bad. Let's work something out

BROshon Moreno said...

"Wearing the top she probably spent an hour deciding on wearing so she could send the perfect message of 'I’m only a slut for you.'"

Classic. There is nothing greater than telling a girl to go out just so you can take her to pound town later that night. I always like to tell a back-up slampiece to come out too, just in case you're too shitty to find the first one. Stupid whores probably thought we were going to "hang out" or even "talk to each other." What stupid whores.

True story with bros being tall too. I'm 6'6" and love making fun of short people. I always tell them to go get a show on TLC.

Anonymous said...

I fucking love this site. Everything is so great. Why would ugly chicks try to even get with bros when they know they don't have a chance? Why would stupid girls expect a bro to want to date them? What stupid fuckers. Obviously bros are God's gift to the earth for one night stands and having a good time.

brOrlando said...

A couple weekends ago, 5 of my roommates's buddies came into town and crashed at our bro pad. We of course took this oppurtunity to get fucked in half drunk. One night we came home from the bar hammered and drank until about 4 am when we decided to have a shot contest. Me and another kid stepped up to the plate. I pounded 14 shots in about 15 minutes. By the 10th shot I was standing over the other dude while he was passed out drunkenly screaming at him that's he a little bitch. Then I tea-bagged him and drank another beer. 6 shots of rumplemintz, 4 shots of whiskey, and 4 shots of vodka. From that day forward I was known as the Lord of Shots amongst my bros...that is of course until someone else takes me down, which will never happen. USA, USA, USA, USA, USA...

Mojojobro said...

fantastic post. Bro is Beautiful.

slightly unrelated, but i came across this facebook group and immediately thought of BLTS, hope u guys appreciate it

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=10150098719175694&ref=nf

Anonymous said...

... it just all makes so much sense when someone (e.g. Guidos, Bros, etc.) has to create/post/depend on a website to make their pants feel heavier. Congratulations America, you've once again found one more degrading social lifestyle that will fade with the most recent popular brand of torn jeans or popped collared shirts.

RhoBro said...

brOrlando...

You quoted Tucker Max by saying you were getting "fucked in half drunk"

Extensive conclusion on this site is that Tucker Max is not bro...you sir are not bro yourself either.

Give up your dream. Girls will not hookup with you.

AEKDB

Anonymous said...

life fucking story. excellent post, nyb.

Bro's and Ho's said...

haters are the funniest little people ever. this post is like a fucking opus

Anonymous said...

My ex-slam piece said I was too shallow for her and she needed to move on. I met up with her and within seconds I was riding the train to pound town, fucking slam pieces.

Brominican Republic said...

Fucking Classic

Brolius Caesar said...

Great post, however, a bro is a bro no matter what height you are i'm 5'10" and I slam more dime pieces then 7ft bros. Were bros we got the nurses number when we climbed out of the womb. Some say shakespeare is good with words, bros put shakespeare to shame.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous you fucking hipster wannabe, get the fuck out. I can't believe you just compared bros to fucking guidos, are you for real? You're the kid who I'd punch in the fucking mouth for thinking "look at me I'm better than you with my obscure indie bands and nuthuggers." Get bent faggot, bros are the shit and we're here. Guidos will overdose on hairgel and dj tiesto, fist pumping fags.

Anonymous said...

love the eastbound and down reference...

Paul BRO'Neill said...

Great post NYB. Laughed for a solid 5 min at the Mr Holland reference. I'm with you Brolius Caesar. Being 5'10 myself I'm one of the shorter bros in my crew and yeah I get shit for it sometimes but does that stop me from crushing brews ripping shots and taking the express train to pound town?? Hell no!

Bro or DIE!

Brofessional said...

Cool story bro

Anonymous said...

FUCK NYB.....im only 5'8''

6'2'' 190 said...

WWNYBD

Bro Clinton said...

Fuckin haters are only jealous because we actually live like the celebs that they watch on reality tv Friday nights alone in their parents basements while eating a tube of ice cream and crying them self's to sleep.

I am genetically perfect.

Dave said...

it's literally bros time to shine when you're #109 phenomenal looking and #108 on spring break. pretty much like fishing with fucking dynamite at this point.

get er done

brochovfski said...

snaps!!!

Anonymous said...

Winston Bennett = bro king

Kobe BROyant said...

I just died laughing and my MacBook my father bought me was almost ruined when I spat my #43 Redbull Vodka from laughing. My father just got me a job lobbying in DC, I just picked out a BMW 650i for graduation and my trust fund matures soon.

Id rather be benching said...

AGREED- Winston Bennett is bro of the century...

"How many women do you think you were sleeping with in a month?"

"Well. Multiply 30 times 3 and you get 90..."

BRO.

Bronfused said...

5'7, still broin it up. The little slampieces just go for me... its like we're blessed. idk whats better, muhollands son or the part where we look better than everyone no matter how much time they spend. Last post was awesome too, fortunately it rained on my cruise sb, rainin slampieces.

Anonymous said...

I'm 5'8 still slammin' econ-sluts. The short girls just go for me. What can I say, the BMW, trust fund, and genetic predisposition to perfection are unstoppable. Oh, and bros are not guidos, I don't think any bro would ever own a fucking Ed Hardy shirt or try to make their hair look like a japanese cartoon.

-Brodigy

Anonymous said...

classic post yet again, NYB. suggestion for future posts: you or any of your bros having a yacht(or multiple yachts) in their family

RhoBro said...

I'm 6'0 and I slam chicks all day every day. Just this spring break in tahoe I had two girls waiting for me outside of my hotel room while I slammed the receptionist downstairs. Also got a bj on the ski lift.

AEKDB

C-3PBro said...

NYB, great post. Having zero flaws is something that us bros handle very well. When you are most of the time spitting game to girls is a waste of time, not to mention impossible. So being genetically perfect makes this step unnecessary. And a true slut loves chest hair. Real bros let the chest hair rage for two reasons...one, its manly as shit, and two fucking guidos, and homos shave their chests. Bro hard.

Evander Brolyfield said...

I'm wasted bros, so wasted I just picked Murray St into the sweet 16 and Richmond into the Elite 8 for my bracket.

Today's St Fraterick's and Thursday is fucking march fucking madness. 5 day bender here we come.

IHSV Fuckin right doggy

grandson said...

http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2006/11/f-k-it-im-throwing-it-downfield.html

this guy writes just like you nyb

-honeycutt

Brother shneebs said...

fuckin words of wisdom right there just got me so pumped to arty my face off tonight wooo!

Ted said...

also Bro's should be in mad good shape regardless of their drinking habits, I went to The Citadel and we had a top 10 physical fitness score list, you best believe I ran a 11:40 2 mile, 117 pushups in 2 minutes, and 105 situps in 2 minutes to get my ass up on that list. I love being good looking.

Anonymous said...

this shit is amazing. laugh. my. ass. off.

ready set bro said...

Short bros are fucking legit. I'm 5'5-5'6 and still ride the train to pound town all day errr day. All it means is that short bros spit game thats double as good as tall bros cause it is true slam pieces love tall dudes. Fuck the haters. height is overrated. 1 love.

Anonymous said...

what do you guys think of timbs? being a masshole i rock them through the winter, but some of my bros say theyre for black dudes

Anonymous said...

Lets look at the other side of brohood here. First off There is a difference between a midget and a short bro. I really hope all u tall bros dont go out together and stand around looking like the fucking Harlem Globe Trotter about to warm up.I walk around Campus like a fucking celebrity in Hollywood Blvd. Short bros are there for 1 reason, to break the ice and to swoop a bitch from all u tall bros that blew it. I gotta hand it to u tall bros tho, i throw my 6'3 roomate out at parties and clubs like a god damn lure. then its time to take action. The short bro comes and introduces himself like he is spec ops for the navy seals. Tall bros cant keep it together without the short stud there to close. Hook. Line, Sinker boys!!

Anonymous said...

im a chick readin this and even i can appreciate it
everything u say is true

Anonymous said...

Great post.. only thing I disagree w/ is the height part.. im a generous 5'9 but I do admit Im damn good looking, I pull some fine ass w/o taken these tricks on dates, nor do I tell them shit they wanna hear, it's BROvious that its all about the ground work you lay, and how you handle that shit come game time.. but all in all great post man..

Living with Balls said...

I call bullshit. No way you can maintain an erection after that many shots!

Anonymous said...

as a slam piece myself i never accept a date because those guys are ugly losers who like doing lame things like sharing their feelings and getting to know you. I'd rather just bang hot ass bros no chivalry needed.

Anonymous said...

Respect to the slampiece above, giving bro's a good time is every slampieces dream.

The slampieces in Ireland ain't got the love for the bros but when I was in newport last summer there was a train too pound town every thirty seconds.

Bros are the shit

Anonymous said...

im a 5'9 but i still bang these sluts who go fuck these tall motherfuckers...a real bro dont need height to fuck slampeices

Beachbra said...

I'm a pretty averaged-sized bra(5'5", 115) and I've been with a 6'6" bro and now I'm with a 5'8" and honestly, the 5'8" is soooo much better! Last time he came to visit me at school, I made the sandwich just before he got here so he wouldn't have to wait for it when we were done fucking, that's how good.
Anyway, another great post NYB, totally true about the slut probably taking an hour to pick out a hooch top. That's where bras differ from sluts, we know we're just fucking gorgeous already;)

Bromar Garciapara said...

While being a bro gaurentees superior bone structure, it also gaurenteed me a huge cock region ( no homo ). Not only was I the best looking bro in my class, but the summer after my freshman year of high school multiple war pigs hung posters on lockers publicizing the size of my world renowned meat shank. I've had the rep stapled to my resume ever since. I also have a boston accent so when I fratenize with bras I sounds like a raunchy JFK. God bless bros!

Anonymous said...

I am not the best looking dude. But my dick is too big. Its so damn big that everyone knows it. Rumors go around about it and this type of shit just happens because of my notorious dong. I wake up after a black out every weekend with a girl in bed still tugging on the D

Anonymous said...

You can't fuck a personality that is for sure

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