It’s Wednesday morning and you’re hungover as shit. You just bought a breathalyzer off of eBay so obviously you and your bros were having a contest to see how #124 high you could blow. Right around the time you blew a .38, you’re mind went fucking blank. Somehow, you made it back to your bed, but even more alarming was the fact that you didn’t have to pee when you woke up. This could only mean one thing – there’s fucking #36 piss somewhere in this room. As you slowly move around the room gently touching the floor as if you’re walking through a minefield, you’re shocked – the floors are fucking clean. Satisfied with yourself, you hop back into bed, grab your laptop, and throw ESPN on your flat screen. You’re set for the next four hours.
You start fucking around on Facebook. You sift through the pointless status messages girls put up like, “Baking a cake!” or the fact that they now like ‘TO MOVE IT! MOVE IT!’ in the hopes of checking out some bikini pics, when out of nowhere you see it. As Jemele Hill makes the case in the background that Pool is a racist sport since the 8 ball is Black, the best newsfeed you could ever imagine flashes across the screen: “Allison Thomas is now listed as single.” Holy shit. Without even an explanation, you text all your bros “Fucking Dibs.” The hottest girl at the entire school just broke up with her boyfriend. She’s on the fucking rebound. You’re a bro aka motherfucking Karl Malone. You better believe you’ll be boxing out on this one. Bros fucking love rebounds.
Scholars have debated for hundreds of years and to this day it remains unclear as to what group of girls is easiest to bang: #101 Younger Chicks or Rebounds. Certainly there are pros and cons to both groups, but when you break it down, I would contend girls on the rebound are by far the easiest. While people generally attribute a girl on the rebound as one that’s recently been dumped and is desperate for some sort of self-confidence, this is only one of the ways they can hit the market. Bros are the smartest people on the fucking planet so they know how to take advantage of any end to a relationship. Here’s a look at what each breakup really means and how bros get recently single girls to buy a ticket on the Poundtown Express.
The Mutual Breakup - While you might think that this would be the hardest rebound to bang, you’d be fucking wrong. Whenever there is a mutual breakup, it’s basically a race to see who can get laid first. By no means does a girl ever want to be in a position where her ex-boyfriend is banging some new chick and all she has to show for it is giving out her number to some guy who will probably never fucking call her. Girls will be desperate to not only bang a bro, but also make sure there are pictures of you two at the bar beforehand so she can put it in her new facebook album, “Enjoying Single Life!”
Girl Dumps Boyfriend – Sure she just dumped her boyfriend, but nine times out of ten it’s because she issued an ultimatum demanding crazy shit like moving in together or God forbid marriage. Obviously, guys don’t fucking respond to ultimatums so, shocker, she’s now single. After “dumping” the guy she just wanted to fucking marry she’s on the prowl with one intention: make my ex-boyfriend want to marry me. What better way to do that than by banging a bro? While she thinks that by seeing her with another guy will make her ex-boyfriend want to drop to one knee, he’s really thinking, “Thank fucking God I got rid of that crazy bitch.”
Girl Who Got Dumped – While bros might fucking love rebounds, there is one group of people who love them perhaps even more: their fat friends. Anytime a hot girl gets dumped the fat friend gets so fucking excited and immediately proclaims, “I am taking you out everyday this week!” Fat girls are miserable people and are elated anytime someone can share their pain.
While bros and fat girls may share an interest in the Rebound – they’re not Allies – they’re fucking enemies. The fat friend will do everything in her power to make sure the hot girl doesn’t hook up with a bro. This is due to the fact that once the hot girl remembers how hot she really is, the fat girl won’t have someone to take care of/eat late night pizza with/help shove her fat into ridiculously undersized dresses she delusionally thinks she can wear. This is where it’s vital to call in the favor with one of your bros. You need a fucking hero. You need someone to jump on the grenade. Find your bro in desperate need of a #78 Slump Buster and beg him. It’s a cruel request, but sometimes you have to go the extra mile to position yourself like Dennis Rodman under the basket to catch that falling board.
Bros are like fucking sharks – they always smell blood in the water. Anytime a hot girl is on the market, bros don’t sit in the background and wait until she’s “ready to start dating again” - they fucking pounce. Bros realize there’s a window for rebounds and they don’t want that shit closing. Recently single? Sounds like you might qualify for an upgrade – welcome to First Class. I’ll be your conductor today. Our first stop: Pound Town.