Holy fuck last night was crazy. After five hours of #35 pregaming, one of your bros decided to hop into the steamroller at the construction site near your place. Luckily for you and unluckily for the hourly construction worker looking to support his family aka loser, the key was left in the ignition. While fucking bro-haters might have thought that driving the steamroller might be “dangerous” or “against the law,” you’re a fucking bro, so you better believe you drove that shit to the bars. As you and your bros rolled up dancing on the #2 stolen construction equipment like you’re fucking P Diddy arriving at the VMAs, slam pieces lined the streets, probably getting wet as shit. Just as you hopped off the steam roller, threw the key at the bouncer, and yelled, “I don’t want any fucking scratches on it this time, Paco!” you were approached by some slam piece. The last thing you remember is turning to your bro and yelling “All Aboard!” before everything went black.
Now you’re making your way out of this girl’s dorm room. You’ve been on this campus for like 5 years now, but you don’t know where the fuck you are. You see the library to the right, but that shit doesn’t do you any good. You try to call your bros to get them to help you find your way back to your #32 Bro Pad, but no one’s fucking picking up. As you stumble across the quad, fighting the urge to #48 puke up whatever the fuck it was you drank last night, you see a group of girls gathered around holding up signs and shit. They’re definitely chanting something, but you can’t quite make out what it is, mostly because they’re not bros and therefore their chants sound like children having fucking night terrors. You break through the crowd like a fat kid playing Red Rover and yell out, “EXCUSE ME! I’m sorry to bother you bitches, but I’m a little lost – funny story actually - I blacked out last night and ended up banging this #3 slut in that dorm over there. Anyways, long story short, how the fuck do I get back to Cary Street?”
Immediately the entire group of girls, who you now notice all has short hair on their heads and long hair on their legs, stares fucking daggers at you. “Whoa, whoa, is this like a #98 lesbian convention or something?” you ask. But before they get the chance to answer, one screams out “BROOO!!!!” Holy shit you’re in trouble – they’re not just lesbians, they’re much worse: feminists. They chase after you trying to take out their “400 years of oppression” on you’re hungover body. You take off down the street just as your bro pulls up, “GET IN THE CAR!!!” he screams, as he refuses to even slow down. You jump into the open window like you’re in the fucking “Dukes of Hazzard.” Was it a bitch move to run? Of course it was, but what the fuck could you do? You just came into close contact with a fucking army of a bro’s natural enemy. Bros fucking hate feminists.
Question: Who the fuck are feminists? Answer: Fucking ugly bitches. Seriously, when have you ever seen a hot feminist that didn’t star in “Where the Boys Aren’t” volume 1 – 12? They’re basically girls who can’t get laid and want to take it out on the rest of society by claiming ridiculous bullshit like, “#95 Models create unrealistic body images,” and “Women should have equal rights.”
All they fucking are is jealous. They’re jealous of hot girls and most importantly, they’re jealous of bros. They realize that bros are recognized as the smartest, most important people on the planet and they want some of that fucking action, but they can’t because they’re women and by definition dumb as shit. So instead of accepting their role and losing some weight so that bros will bang them, they do a fucking 180 and whine and complain. Talk about lazy. I mean what the fuck do you want? We gave you the right to vote. We even gave you the right to drive, even though it puts us in danger every fucking day of our lives. At some point a line must be drawn. Why the fuck does society applaud feminists for making up hateful shit about bros, yet if a bro points out the truth about feminists they're called fucking "chauvinist pigs?"
The scary shit is that there are respected people out there promoting radical ideas like men might no longer be even necessary. Fucking please. Then who is going to entertain America? Ellen DeGeneres doing some stupid fucking dance? Or maybe we’ll just have endless concerts of Ke$ha singing a remix to more children’s songs. She’s already got “There’s a place in France where the naked ladies dance” taken care of – what’s next, those diarrhea rhymes?
And don’t even get me started on what would happen if there were ever a Woman President. What happens if we get fucking bombed, but the President is nowhere to be found because she’s at her Mary Kay sales club meeting? We fucking lose, that’s what happens. So basically, by promoting women’s rights you promote terrorism. Really, feminists? You really want this country bombed while our President sells makeup? Not on my watch!
The World needs bros. While the rest of the country has been pressured over the years through propaganda and sexual harassment lawsuits to be politically correct, bros don’t give a shit. It’s a depressing World we live in and to be perfectly honest, without bros, feminists would take over with their crazy ideas of superiority. Bros are the last line of defense against the Hurricane that is feminism. But unlike in New Orleans, these fucking levees won’t be breaking anytime soon. Bros are the shit.