There’s 10 seconds left in the game. For the past 8 hours you’ve been #130 chugging beer through parking cones, slamming shots, and letting every fucking person dressed in the #26 opposing team’s jersey know their home state is the grundle of America. Now, all your hard work is finally about to pay off. You’re really not sure how it happened since you can’t remember much past #52 banging that fucking #59 Tri-Delt in the back of her Dad’s pickup truck at the #68 tailgate, but your team is about to upset the top-ranked team in the country.
The seconds start to tick down as your opponents, who, according to your constant #77 heckling, “rape petting zoo animals,” take one last shot at the end zone. Just as it looks like the Hail Mary might be answered, your team’s cornerback who you #70 smoke up with on the reg swats that shit away. Game fucking over. Now it’s time to celebrate – you’re storming the fucking field. As you stampede down the bleachers as if they were the gates of an African soccer game, you make a beeline for the end zone and boost yourself up on the goal post. Standing 10 feet in the air, you and about 100 other bros start to violently shake the gigantic yellow posts from their cemented base like they’re a fucking baby that just won’t shut up. That’s when you hear the crack and scream out – “TIMBER MOTHERFUCKER!!” Your alma mater just knocked off the #1 team in the country, so you’re celebrating the only way you know how – by fucking destroying school property. Bros fucking love tearing down field goal posts.
Tearing down the goal posts has been every bro’s dream for as long as they can fucking remember. Bros fucking love destroying other people’s property, but it really doesn’t get much better than being able to destroy school property while the entire fucking nation watches on SportsCenter. These days we take our bro rights to demolish these 1000 pound cemented structures for granted, but you really have to admire the bro pioneers who not only originated running onto the field to create a fucking shit-storm of trampled bodies, but also saw the 30 foot posts and thought one thing – “That shit’s gotta fucking come down.” While bro-haters will give congratulatory hand shakes and peck their wives on the lips with an “I only married you because no one else would sleep with me,” celebratory kiss, bros realize what winning a big game really means: starting a fucking #114 riot.
Now, let’s be honest – there’s only a few bros out there that can ever really experience a victory over the nation’s top ranked team. So how can bros appreciate the rush of causing 10K of damage to the same school they’ve been vigorously cheering for? Tear that shit down any fucking chance you get. My senior year at William and Mary, we won a home playoff game and while most of my classmates made their way back to the library or to kill themselves, you better fucking believe I mounted those fucking bars. Shockingly, me and four of my bros were unable to take it down, but the rush was intense as shit. And it really doesn’t have to be big football game either – pretty much any sporting event will do. University of Maryland is notorious for breaking into Byrd Stadium and tearing that shit down pretty much anytime they beat Duke. Your school still not covered? Then who gives a shit – say you and all your bros get laid the same night aka a typical Saturday. Make that fucking goal post your bitch. I mean honestly, if whoever installed those posts didn’t want them ripped from 5 feet of cement, then they wouldn’t have designed them so that 50 drunk people shaking them like crazy would be able break them so easily.
Unfortunately for bros, the bro-hater that is society has gotten wind that we’re having too much fun. At many stadiums now perhaps the biggest bro-hater invention of all time exists – collapsible field goal posts. If I ever rushed the field and saw the posts collapsing on their own, I would think about crying. Then I would remember I’m a fucking bro so I don’t even know how to fucking cry. I’d probably just protest by taking a fucking #97 dump on the field or some shit. Installing collapsible field goal posts is like giving AIDS patients orange Tic-Tacs and telling them it’s that fucking Magic Johnson miracle drug. Sure at the time it seems to do the trick, but down the road you’re just gonna be fucked. There’s no getting around the fact that bros are gonna celebrate the victory, and if it’s not the goal posts we’re breaking, it’s gonna be something else.
Time-honored traditions are important to every group of people in this country. For #89 Hipsters - it’s smelling like shit. For Black teenagers - it’s getting pregnant. And for bros - it’s tearing down field goal posts. If your College supports one of the cruelest forms of brocism around in collapsible field goal posts, let those fuckers know that you’re not standing for it. After all, we’re bros, and if our team wins a game, you better fucking believe shit will be broken.