Thursday, October 28, 2010

#140 Tearing Down Field Goal Posts

There’s 10 seconds left in the game. For the past 8 hours you’ve been #130 chugging beer through parking cones, slamming shots, and letting every fucking person dressed in the #26 opposing team’s jersey know their home state is the grundle of America. Now, all your hard work is finally about to pay off. You’re really not sure how it happened since you can’t remember much past #52 banging that fucking #59 Tri-Delt in the back of her Dad’s pickup truck at the #68 tailgate, but your team is about to upset the top-ranked team in the country.

The seconds start to tick down as your opponents, who, according to your constant #77 heckling, “rape petting zoo animals,” take one last shot at the end zone. Just as it looks like the Hail Mary might be answered, your team’s cornerback who you #70 smoke up with on the reg swats that shit away. Game fucking over. Now it’s time to celebrate – you’re storming the fucking field. As you stampede down the bleachers as if they were the gates of an African soccer game, you make a beeline for the end zone and boost yourself up on the goal post. Standing 10 feet in the air, you and about 100 other bros start to violently shake the gigantic yellow posts from their cemented base like they’re a fucking baby that just won’t shut up. That’s when you hear the crack and scream out – “TIMBER MOTHERFUCKER!!” Your alma mater just knocked off the #1 team in the country, so you’re celebrating the only way you know how – by fucking destroying school property. Bros fucking love tearing down field goal posts.

Tearing down the goal posts has been every bro’s dream for as long as they can fucking remember. Bros fucking love destroying other people’s property, but it really doesn’t get much better than being able to destroy school property while the entire fucking nation watches on SportsCenter. These days we take our bro rights to demolish these 1000 pound cemented structures for granted, but you really have to admire the bro pioneers who not only originated running onto the field to create a fucking shit-storm of trampled bodies, but also saw the 30 foot posts and thought one thing – “That shit’s gotta fucking come down.” While bro-haters will give congratulatory hand shakes and peck their wives on the lips with an “I only married you because no one else would sleep with me,” celebratory kiss, bros realize what winning a big game really means: starting a fucking #114 riot.

Now, let’s be honest – there’s only a few bros out there that can ever really experience a victory over the nation’s top ranked team. So how can bros appreciate the rush of causing 10K of damage to the same school they’ve been vigorously cheering for? Tear that shit down any fucking chance you get. My senior year at William and Mary, we won a home playoff game and while most of my classmates made their way back to the library or to kill themselves, you better fucking believe I mounted those fucking bars. Shockingly, me and four of my bros were unable to take it down, but the rush was intense as shit. And it really doesn’t have to be big football game either – pretty much any sporting event will do. University of Maryland is notorious for breaking into Byrd Stadium and tearing that shit down pretty much anytime they beat Duke. Your school still not covered? Then who gives a shit – say you and all your bros get laid the same night aka a typical Saturday. Make that fucking goal post your bitch. I mean honestly, if whoever installed those posts didn’t want them ripped from 5 feet of cement, then they wouldn’t have designed them so that 50 drunk people shaking them like crazy would be able break them so easily.

Unfortunately for bros, the bro-hater that is society has gotten wind that we’re having too much fun. At many stadiums now perhaps the biggest bro-hater invention of all time exists – collapsible field goal posts. If I ever rushed the field and saw the posts collapsing on their own, I would think about crying. Then I would remember I’m a fucking bro so I don’t even know how to fucking cry.  I’d probably just protest by taking a fucking #97 dump on the field or some shit. Installing collapsible field goal posts is like giving AIDS patients orange Tic-Tacs and telling them it’s that fucking Magic Johnson miracle drug. Sure at the time it seems to do the trick, but down the road you’re just gonna be fucked. There’s no getting around the fact that bros are gonna celebrate the victory, and if it’s not the goal posts we’re breaking, it’s gonna be something else.

Time-honored traditions are important to every group of people in this country. For #89 Hipsters - it’s smelling like shit. For Black teenagers - it’s getting pregnant. And for bros - it’s tearing down field goal posts. If your College supports one of the cruelest forms of brocism around in collapsible field goal posts, let those fuckers know that you’re not standing for it. After all, we’re bros, and if our team wins a game, you better fucking believe shit will be broken.

51 comments:

brosiedon said...

at uni of south carolina, we beat fucking bama this year. not only did these bro haters collapse the goal posts, but they had tons of cops keeping us off the field. only 10-15 bros made it on the field, only to spend fucking 24 hours in jail. total brocism.

Scott Brolzein said...

Wisconsin was able to rush the field after kicking the shit out of OSU, but were instantly told by cops at gun point to get off of the field goal posts. brohaters.

Anonymous said...

Bros must have been responsible for this when Michigan went down to App. State.

"Minutes after the end of the game and nearly 600 miles (1,000 km) away on the Appalachian State campus in Boone, North Carolina, a large group of students climbed a fence at the Mountaineers' home field, Kidd Brewer Stadium, and tore down and carried away one of the goalposts. When Appalachian State chancellor Kenneth E. Peacock, who was in Ann Arbor for the game, returned to his home that night, he found the goalpost had been deposited in his front yard, which is about half a mile (800 m) from the stadium"

EPIC

Anonymous said...

When PSU upset the Buckeyes in 2005 we stormed the field only to get demolished by cops with fire extinguishers filled with tear gas. And in the pandemonium we forgot that after fans tore the posts down in 1986 they planted the posts in 30 feet of concrete, a fucking dump-truck couldn't move it. Fuckin shit was well worth the hours behind bars tho.

M-I-Z B-R-O said...

Did it last weekend. Cops didn't do shit, but one waved to me as I sprinted past his ass.

What did WE do after we tore those fuckers down? Carried them 1.5 miles to a bar and sawed them the fuck up.

Anonymous said...

This weekend the bros at the University of Missouri outsmarted the bro-haters that previously installed collapsible goal posts. After kicking the shit out the toothless degenerates from Okalahomo, Missouri bros broke the chains on the collapsed goal posts and still carried them to local bar Harpo's, where other strictly tailgating bros arrived with hacksaws and cut the posts into souvenirs. Bros also managed the snap the other goal post in half. Even though they couldn't carry the 2nd set to the bar, bros still managed to destroy $20,000 worth of university property.
Suck on that sooners.

Anonymous said...

at the last ever UCONN home game on campus, people rushed the field and tried to take down the goalpost, and the police werent gonna let that happen and pepper sprayed the guy leading the charge against the posts

Anonymous said...

the tridelt reference is funny as shit, sluts.

CanadianBro said...

Hahaha nice. My favorite part was the hipsters and black teenagers.

NYB - Can you write about farting for humor? Particularly in the presence of women.

Anonymous said...

CanadianBro: #60Busting Ass

Anonymous said...

At the Mizzou-OU game the National Guard took down the goalposts for us. So we can't say we tore down the goalposts.
Bummer fellow Bros.

East Broast said...

Only in fucking Missouri (aka the asshole of the United States) would people bring hacksaws to a bar

Hear Bro, See Bro, Speak Bro Evil said...

After Northwestern owned OSU my freshman year, you'd better fucking believe we stormed the field. OSU was number 3 in the country and undefeated. Everyone was so fucking surprised that we won that there were no cops to keep us off of the goalposts. Me and 5 of my bros boosted each other onto the goalposts and stood there with 20 other people bouncing for like 10 minutes. But they just wouldn't fucking come down. Those goddamn engineers made the beams 10 inches in diameter, and must have had them implanted in 20 feet of concrete.

We couldn't break the goalposts down, but we did break things after the game. Not to mention brutalizing several OSU fans in a brawl outside Ryan Field after the game.

The next time we tried to storm the field, after beating Iowa (who was also undefeated), the cops greeted us with guns and nightsticks. Fuckers.

Long live tradition. Long live college football. Long live breaking down goalposts.

Boise State BROncos said...

when boise state wins the bcs national championship, you best believe that we are not only gonna rip down the goal post, we are gonna rip down the goal post at the loosing teams school. Kellen Moore you are a bro king amongst bros

Anonymous said...

good luck doing that in 2038. honestly what poor fuck would go to college in idaho?

Anonymous said...

Last night, the best NCAA Men's soccer team (Cal Poly) beat the most overrated team in the country (UCSB) in OT. My bros and I chanted "Who The Fuck Is Santa Barbara" all game long, and when we won, we rocked out to "Bro Hymn". Unfortunately we didn't break anything except for a few Goocho noses.

Anonymous said...

Soccer is fucking gay and college soccer is even fucking gayer. Might as well have been gay ass lacrosse where men munch ass and talk about how buff they after their gay as lacrosse matches or whatever the fuck they are called. Soccer sucks and don't ever post something about beating overrated soccer teams again on a post. By definition, you are a bro-hater deuchefuck.

I was at Kentucky/Cocks game two weeks ago when we upset those fucks who had just beaten #1 Bama the week before. You better believe we ripped those fucking poles down. Same thing happened in 2007 when we beat #7 Louisville and #1 LSU in 3-OT. You better believe all 3 of those nights ended in one thing. Drunk as Fuck. Blacked. Out. Sex.

Go CATS. And fuck soccer fans.

Anonymous said...

Soccer, what the fuck is that bullshit? Hockey riots are just as fucking sweet, except you flip cars too.

Anonymous said...

November 1st 2008.....Tech 39 UT 33.....you best believe there was a riot

will said...

First of all bros fucking hate soccer. That shit is boring as fuck. Second Boise State sucks. They play 2 good teams a year. The SEC fucking owns college football. Look at the past 5 years. You look and what do you see? SEC national campionships!!! Suck it bitches!!!! Bros for fucking life!

Buster Brosey said...

Annnnd then everyone remembered that nobody cares about soccer.

Brocho said...

MIZZOU tore that shit down last week. and carried it to Harpos Bar. Bro as shit

BROdysseus said...

Hell fucking yeah NYB, spot on with this post. When I was in my freshman year at Rutgers, we beat Louisville 28-25 on a last second field goal to extend our streak to 9-0. And I know what you're thinking, and of fucking course, us bros stormed that field like the Marines landing on the beach at Iwo Jima. It was like Moses had come back to life, but rather than parting the Red Sea, he made it crash in endless waves on the field. God, I'm so fucking poetic. Anyway, those fucking bro-haters, aka Event Staff and the cops, had already collapsed the field goals, exhibiting the worst permutation of brocism there is. Even worse, they created a human ring around the posts, literally repelling people with the demonic stench of their brocism. I was so disappointed that I vented my feelings by whipping my 30" dick out and cock-slapping some sorostitutes that had the nerve to walk past me without giving me their number. Fucking slores.

And I know that people are gonna hate on Rutgers, but fear not fellow bros, we're not all douchebag guidos who jerk off to Jersey Shore. Fuck those clowns, all true Jersey bros should unite and slowly exterminate them by outlawing hair gel and tanning. And as for calling all our women disease-stricken harlots, wrong again, sure, we have some filthy strumpets, but I guarantee your school does too. And like Confucius said, Don't be a fool, wrap your tool.

Bruan Dixon said...

Whenever Maryland beats Duke in basketball, there will be a riot. Cops will be called. Teargas will be thrown. Goalposts will not only be torn down, they will be set on fire.
Fuck those fake ass douche Duke bitches. They are not bro.

Anonymous said...

NU didnt storm shit or climb onto the goal posts. You and 5 bros? here's a joke, Bros at Northwestern.

Anonymous said...

Dear Brosephs, I'm gonna throw out something unrelated to this post.

Bro is - tossing back brews in the bathroom. Regardless if you are sitting on the white throne droping the Cleveland Browns off at the Super Bowl (credit to Bill Simmons, another bro fav) or are showering off the stench of some slam piece, drinking beer in the bathroom is bro.

Bros are the shit!

Anonymous said...

1993 K-State vs. KU. K-State wins and then proceeds to tear down KU's own goalpost. Look it up on YouTube. Shows how much of pussys KU fans are.

Brodolf Hitler said...

This is an obvious reaction from the mizzou oklahoma game.

Bro King said...

yo the fuckin bro-hater a couple comments above me get the fuck off this site why i do enjoy football if you ever talk shit about lax again i will personally go up to your god dam fuckin hipster garbage dumpster you call a home and set it on fire. everyone knows that lax is the true bro sport of america and that all other sports follow it. True bros ranking: lax>hockey>football this is common knowledge and fact

Anonymous said...

NU did storm shit. It was my freshman year, too, when we beat OSU. Better believe we were all on that fucking field, jumping on the goalposts, cops trying to pull people down. Some kid died that night. After that, they brought cops out with guns and shit to keep us off the field no matter what. Total brocism.

But rest assured, there are bros at NU, and we do jump on the goalposts. Shit, we've dumped those things in Lake Michigan before.

Anonymous said...

Well fucking said bro king.

Anonymous said...

hey you kstate cock sucker

I went to KU and when we beat you chumps in 2008 we tore down the goal post and threw that shit in poter lake. BRO AS SHIT.

my buddy was rushed to the ER almost lost a finger.

OH YEA WE WON THE ORANGE BOWL AND THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP THAT YEAR.

GREATEST YEAR OF MY LIFE.

WANNA SEE A RIOT TAKE A LOOK AT MASS STREET WHERE ALL OF OUR BARS ARE AT.
http://media.lawrence.com/img/photos/2008/04/08/KU_fans_eldridge7087.jpg

-BROHAWK

1 2 3 4 fif said...

Let's be real. The only acceptable times to rush the field and tear down goalposts is when either you're unranked and beat a top 10 school, or if you're Duke football.

Too many fucking liberal hipsters are doing it now after any victory and it's pissin me off. And we all know that the only good type of hipster is a hipster that climbs a tower in 60 mph winds and films practices.

Lehigh Bro said...

At Lehigh University, aka the most preppy, wealthy, smart, pretentious, bro school, we used to riot every year a minute BEFORE our game against Lafayette ended. All of the frats would fight with each other for pieces of the wooden goal posts. Each fraternity still displays pieces from years past in their house. Again, all this used to happen every year BEFORE the game ended.

Unfortunately, ten years ago the bro-hater president decided to bring in a riot squad and install metal goal posts.

Fuck Lafayette!

FucktheMidwest said...

Seriously, what fucking kind of poor kid goes to school in the Midwest, much less brags about some shitty state school with a "football program". Looking at you, Mizzou 'bros'. SEC bitches, look it up.

Hear Bro, See Bro, Speak Bro Evil said...

To that anonymous fucker who said there are no Bros at Northwestern: you're a goddamn retard. I'll drink you under the table and then laugh while you cry about how your girlfriend dumped you.

Anonymous said...

Bros fucking love rushing the field. Me and my bros at UVa just rushed the field after we beat Miami. The bro-hating police managed to arrest a few of the guys but they can't stop bros.

Bro G said...

callin bullshit on anonymous. how do you rip collapsible goalposts down at uk?you dont. bro poser

Bro Praterno said...

Well said bro king? I THINK NOT! Any friggin sport that can also be played by butch feministic bro haters will never ever be considered a sport! Mens lacrosse womens lacrosse...its all the same shit; vaginas wearing shoulder pads and bumping into each other to show that they're "tough". Every friggin bro knows football was Gods second greatest gift to Earth(bros obviously being the first). "Bro King", stick to your hockey/soccer mix of gayness.....get on my level bro poser!

Anonymous said...

UMD bros are tops. We party like an SEC school and destroy shit like a Big Ten school.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, that is the shit. After the michigan - app. state game we didn't tear down the goal post, but we tore down our dignity. ... wait, what?

Anonymous said...

I fucking agree. UMD clearly houses some of the country's finest bros. Notorious for the fucking 2010 riot on march 3rd after spanking duke. No one will ever beat that. FUCK YOU PG POLICE.

Anonymous said...

honestly, usually this shit is all good but coming from someone who goes to a big football school, rushing the field and all that shit is GDI material. fuck that, im the first one to go to back to the bar, usually at half

Speaker of the Brouse John Broehner said...

Congrats to the new #34 throwback-jersey wearing, #23 drunk driving, #63 America-loving, #89 hipster-hating, #133 feminist-hating, #109 good-looking (no homo) Speaker of the House. Here's to you, Mr. Speaker, my #138 wingbro, John Broehner.

Speaker of the Brouse John Broehner said...

^Not that I voted, fuck that shit. I'm #107 studying abroad.

Anonymous said...

To all you dumbfucks who think Mizzou isn't shit:
He wrote this in response to us for a reason! guess what WE had the most fans EVER at "gameday". WE stormed the field and carried the goal posts to a bar. WE then rioted in the streets while the police watched.

BROdie Croyle said...

broseidoin-I was right down in the front at the hedges when we beat bama, the cops were gay as shit. They literally tackled some kid who was just standing there cheering and broke his nose. Fuck the police.

and boise state BROncos, fuck you. your team is fucking horrible, try playing someone for once. and kellen moore is the biggest fag on the face of the earth.

boise state BROncos said...

ahhh BROdie Croyle you truly are the only bro that should die, but what unranked school do you go to that gives you the right to talk down upon a top 4 school.

Anonymous said...

anytime purdue wins a big game, we rip that shit down, carry it like a mile to the river and toss that shit in

EMAW said...

Haha KU has collapsible field goal posts what fucking GDI's.

Anonymous said...

Yes we looked it up and decided to join. Watch out you pussy SEC fuck tards or you'll get caught sleeping and blanked by Mizzou's fucking impeccable D!!!

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