Thursday, November 4, 2010

#141 Having Facial Hair

Fact: Bros are better than slam pieces in every fucking way. Unfortunately in this country, thanks in large part to Science Fiction books like “The Da Vinci Code” which preach bullshit fairy tales saying “women are more important than men,” we’re moving closer and closer to equal standing in society. Not on my fucking watch. Name one thing that a girl does better than a bro? Surely some fucking #133 femi-nazi out there is screaming, “UMM, HAVE CHILDREN!” Fucking please – Congratu-fucking-lations for not being barren. You want a cookie for something that can be done by every animal at the fucking zoo? While bros will always have the upper hand in their abilities to think rationally, parallel park a car, and not #123 bleed for a week every month, there’s certain aspects of a bro’s life that he often feels he needs to flaunt. While slam pieces mask their insecurities with four pounds of makeup, padded bras, and jeans that they delusionally think changes the fact that their ass is fat, bros are proud of who they are. What better way to show that pride than having it written all over your face? Shaving’s for fucking yuppies. Bros fucking love having facial hair.

 Ever since the days of grade school when the first sprouts of peach fuzz arrived letting all the slam pieces in training know, “Yeah, I’m fucking down for a hand job at the next school dance,” bros have been proud as shit of their ability to grow facial hair. Being able to grow a shitload of facial hair is fucking clutch, as long as it means your entire body isn’t covered with a fucking carpet like that huge ass fucker who banged Charlize Thereon in that movie. Oh man, what was his name? Oh yeah, fucking “Mighty Joe Young.”

First off, let’s set some ground rules. Bros aren’t hippies. They don’t grow beards in protest or because they think they’re fucking Rastas. Furthermore, soul patches, chin straps, “ice picks,” and Goatees do not make you a bro. They make you fucking white trash. If you're sporting one of these you might as well go throw on your all-white tennis shoes and gold chain and get back to doing what you do best: impregnating fat girls. Properly worn facial hair is a key component of any bros life, so let’s take a look at what direction he might take and what it represents.

Sideburns – Sideburns are pretty fucking standard amongst bros. They serve as a good divider between bros and bro-haters. I never understand the fucking red necks that go get their haircut and just tell the fucking barber to give them “the Forrest Gump.” Sideburns basically tell the ladies that, yes, you’re a fucking bro and although you can’t grow out your entire face due to the fact that you have a job, etc., that you’re not some fucking freakshow alien like Charlie Villanueva and it is in fact possible.

Beard – There’s many reasons why a bro might grow a beard – could be to support a team in the playoffs, for a bet, or to perfect that Halloween costume of “Bearded Clam.” However, more often than not, it’s because he’s hungover as shit. When a bro wakes up after a long night of drinking, the last thing on his mind is fucking shaving. Obviously, since he’s a bro, he’s not just going out one night a week, so as the #58 bender extends, so too does the beard. Soon enough bitches start asking him when he’s gonna shave. While losers might take this as an insult and immediately get rid of the scruff – bros take it as a fucking challenge. Bros aren’t told what to do. They do the fucking telling. So the last thing they’re gonna do is sit there and take shit from some girl who’s probably just jealous she can’t grow her own fucking beard. Some girl told one of my bros in College to cut his beard, of course he didn’t fucking do it - just let that shit grow for like two years. He was tough as shit. I’m pretty sure he beat off with Brillo Pads. 

Mustache – When worn properly, the mustache can be one of most bro things in the entire fucking World. The trick about the mustache is that the bro who grows it can’t seriously think it looks good, but at the same time he has to act like he’s completely serious about it. Growing mustaches was fucking hilarious and cool as shit like 6 years ago – then Ashton Kutchar grew one – now it’s finally making a comeback. The more obnoxious the mustache the better. Handle bars are fucking money, as is “The Hitler,” but as long as you’ve got enough growth so you don’t look like a contestant on “To Catch A Predator” you’ll be fine. Bros with mustaches fucking love #102 lying to girls by telling them they’re giving out “Free Mustache Rides,” then not only not go down on them, but also steal money from their fucking purse when they’re in the bathroom wiping down.

As we enter November and slam pieces change out of their #86 Halloween slut costumes to their standard daily #3 slut outfits, we take time to become aware. Like some fucking prankster leaving a broken down car on the train tracks, testicular and prostate cancer threatens to permanently derail the Pound Town Express. For years we had nothing to promote this cause but somewhere along the lines some genius came along with the idea of “Movember.” By growing facial hair, bros across the country can raise awareness against the bro-hater that is cancer. So this November, grow the mustaches. Save the dicks. Be the bro.

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43 comments:

broha said...

no shave november. just do it.

Anonymous said...

already on top of it

Anonymous said...

NYB, Truer words have never been said, i've got my two month beard growing.

Be Strong, Be Bro

Bro Down said...

BROvember, fuck yeah.

Doug Neidermeyer said...

A five o clock shadow is the ultimate compliation of facial hair. It let's all the slam pieces know "Yes I own a razor, but after a night of fratting immensly hard, I have decided to forego shaving."

BROshon Moreno said...

No shave November-December.

But, on a side note, staches are for hipsters unless you're in the Air Force and celebrate Mustache March. Might as well turn on some Decemberists on your iPad and blog about how pinched your nuts feel while wearing your sister's jeans.

Emilibro Estevez said...

With the exception of the (I'm an asshole) mustache, you completely missed the mark with this one. Facial hair, especially sideburns, is GDI as fuck.

Scruff because you're too hungover to shave is acceptable; anything else makes you look like the poor piece of trash that works the valet at the country club.

BRO-ENO said...

Eight or nine of my fellow bros literally agreed to no shave November five minutes before I read this post. First pus to shave gets hazed for all of November and possibly get their bro status revoked. Bros for life

Bro-bi Wan Kenobi said...

Way to kick off BROvember

Anonymous said...

amen

Anonymous said...

Great Charlie Villenueva reference. dudes a major pussy for tweeting that stuff about KG

11A said...

**Kutcher. Barely noticed myself.

NYB, I'm with you on pretty much everything, even though the part about the sideburns is probably debatable for bros in general, particularly in the south. Even in DC if I see a guy with huge sideburns he's likely an unshowered PhD candidate wearing hipster glasses, sitting in a coffee shop and typing a paper on his Mac or some shit.

Good call on the mustachios, though. A guy here at GU who was on the lax team rocked a mustache for like a year straight. Kid was basically a bro sultan.

tae kwon bro said...

Septembeard>Octobeard>Novembeard>Decembeard

FTW

Anonymous said...

he's not talking about scummed out mutton chops, he's talking about well groomed sideburns, nothing says i'm a working successful bro like a nice set of well groomed sideburns

Brony Montana said...

Note to all the bros in training: definitely gotta sport the scruff so you don't look like a middle school kid when using the fake ID. A true bro has too busy a schedule (getting fucked up/smoking weed/setting shit on fire/making losers feel like trash) to shave more than once a week.

Anonymous said...

Manvember. Growing beards, drinking bud heavy, not giving two shits, and getting fucked up as possible with total ignorance to whatever brohaters say. Let it ride.

Quazi-flo-bro said...

Chin straps never were, are not, and never will be bro.

Anonymous said...

Real bros know slampieces like myself think facial hair is disgusting as fuck. Might as well call no-shave november no-lay november

Brodophile said...

Brostaches are not for every bro. Slampieces shelved me in the pedophile category and I couldn't close the Folger account at all during that time. Brostaches are heavy bro, but most people can't rock them like I can brobellish sidechops. Suck the dick. Slay the chick. Bros rule.

Nebro said...

The proper contraction for mustache is 'tache. Not 'stache. Just lettin the bros know. But it's whatever duuude.

Anonymous said...

My favorite part of no-shave November is how easily it transitions into moustache December

BROSKI said...

Went to a wedding in early October and was so hungover from the 4 day bender leading up to it I decided no to shave. All the slammies liked the scruff, so I'm maintaining a well groomed short beard. It's def bro!

BTW, did Brodophile just say he sucks dick? That's extremely un-bro.

Facial hair loving Bra said...

Truer words have never been said. I fucking love facial hair! Instant ticket to poundtown!

Nathan said...

400th win for bro paterno

Pablo EsBRObar said...

NYB suggestion for a future post...Hating Foreigners. Let's face it I fucking hate when bro-haters try to ask me for fucking directions and I can't understand a goddamn word. This is AMURICAH goddammit learn english or GTFO.

Brodophile said...

No, I do not suck any bro's dick. I figured some unfamiliar, non-bro would make a misinformed un-bro comment like that. You obviously don't follow Eastbound & Down, so you're obviously not a true bro. Maybe it's best you brosappear from the brosasphere.

Clam Jammer said...

A mustache AKA dick bumper is not bro at all. Go tickle your boyfriend's balls.

Anonymous said...

Bro I have to disagree with you on the chinstrap thing. Chinstraps are the shit and the slampigs love em. if you have a nice even chinstrap thats trimmed well u can look bro as fuck not like fucking fatass rednecks. any type of facial hair should be acceptable because it all says the same shit: look at me bitches i have facial hair, im better than you. end of story


Bros are the Shit

Anonymous said...

the only chinstrap a bro should be sporting is in a football, hockey, lacrosse, (insert other Bro sports here), etc. helmet.

not any type of facial hair is acceptable, as outline in the post, and as agreed upon in an unspoken bond between bros.

not gonna question whether u pull slampieces with a chinstrap, because hipsters can pull slampieces, but its not bro. nor is your fake diamond ear ring.

NYC's Miss Movember 2009 said...

I love men, hate cancer, and totally support my mo' bros participating in Movember. Can't wait to see everyone at the gala in a month.

Anonymous said...

i remember when i couldnt grow a beard... then i turned 11.

Brose Cuervo said...

Whoever says bros should not have facial hair need to fuck off. Think of some of the most famous bros of all time: Brosef Stalin, Broseidon, and Brose Cuervo. So fuck off, facial hair is fuckin brotastic.

Meat & BROtatos said...

Sometimes I enjoy growing out a strip of hair on my balls so when a girl gives me head it looks like she has long scraggly hairs hanging from her chin. just sayin...

$Big-Easy$ said...

A beard without a mustache is big time loss of bro cred. Wyatt Earp stache is ultimate mustache hands down.

Capt. Brossarian said...

no shave november. just do it.

Hmm. I've always preferred Facial Hair February as it is a perfect lead in for Mustache March.

Anonymous said...

It's Flowvember, bros. Let it rage.

Anonymous said...

Beard=Best

The Challenge:

Manvember

Only drink heavy beer, only eat man meals like chunky soup and hungry man, don't shave, perform a manly act like chopping down a tree every day.

Miss Novembra said...

Emm, must agree with others before me - This post misses the mark a bit. A Novembeard can be very bro. Hangover scruff? ALWAYS bro. But sideburns and staches?! Take it from an NYC bra: The only men in my city who travel down these dangerous hair paths are fedora-wearing, East Village-dwelling, front row ticket-holders to Vampire Weekend, clad in slip-on keds and black-framed Army issued specs.

And chin straps? What are you crazy wannabros talking about?! No bra (or slampiece for that matter) is on the hunt to ride America's most wanted terrorist or child molester. If you've made this poor decision (no matter how well-trimmed), rethink immediately or crawl back to the other side of 8 Mile.

AmericanBread said...

keep this shit coming bro. top notch fucking rants

Anonymous said...

manuary is where it's at

Anonymous said...

Mustache March close fucking second to Movember

Anonymous said...

NYB,

why no reference to bro-king Brian Wilson in the beard section? beard-having bros like me are proud of our fearless leader BW38.

Rocking a beard is more than a choice of facial hair, it's a lifestyle commitment. Sure it's 100+ degrees in Texas for like 5 months out of the year. Do I give a baker's fuck? No. Slampieces ask me "doesn't it make you hot?" My response is usually something along the lines of, "Well I guess it would make me hot if I was out working landscape or doing construction like some beaner without a greencard, but I'm a fucking bro. I spend most of my time inside during the day making bank in the oil industry, not out in your yard snatching up dandelions sweating my dick off. So no, miss hot-face-lady (using that name on a slut gets you instant dome, FYI) my beard does not make me hot."

Also, the Shaq arm thing is the Omega Psi Phi's signal. The arms bent upwards and hands outward makes an upside down Omega. Suggestion, don't do that.

-BRo Jackson

Konti said...

had a nice scruff-beard since i was 15 and this thing is not coming off no matter what how many fat bitches say "girls like clean shaven guys"

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