I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I was on my 7th hour of ESPN’s College Basketball tip-off Marathon, when Brent “No one would be surprised if I was into deviant sex” Musberger read his promo. “Tune in tonight to see if Maya Moore and the Huskies can beat a team with a center who probably had a penis at some point in her life (paraphrased), as UConn tries to move closer to breaking John Wooden and UCLA consecutive games record!” I fucking lost my shit. Surely he didn’t just compare Maya Moore to Bill Walton. How could you fucking disrespect John Wooden like that? Those teams were some of the greatest collection of talent ever put together and now they’re being “challenged” by a team that couldn’t even beat the fucking Freshman boys team at my #111 High School?
Let’s be honest, the last question we should be asking is whether their streak is in the same category as UCLA. First off, who are these teams that they’ve beaten on their winning streak? Can their players even reach the basket with their shots? How many of their victories have ended with the other team crying? Are players even allowed to play when they’re on their #123 period? Sure he’s second in victories all-time for male Women’s Basketball coaches (next to Pat Summitt) but how the fuck can Geno Auriemma respect himself? You fucking know Jim Calhoun just constantly rags on him. The point is, the UCLA and UConn dynasties not only don’t belong in the same sentence; they don’t even belong in the same fucking language. While bros might fucking love #129 talking about Sports – there’s just no place for Women in that conversation.
The only times that bros ever support Women’s athletics is when they’re competing in Beach Volleyball, Lingerie Football, or Blow Job-Giving Contests. Outside of that, it’s all just a fucking waste of time and money. There’s a reason why the WNBA loses a shitload of money every year – because no one wants to watch that shit. I’d seriously rather get my nutsack sliced climbing over a fence than be forced to sit through a fucking Sparks – Comets game. And it’s not like Women’s athletics can market to the male audience with their sexuality. They’re all fucking #98 lesbians and not like the hot lesbians you see in all those “Where The Boys Aren’t” documentaries – these bitches are fucking beasts.
Bros probably wouldn’t have such a fucking problem with Women’s Sports if it weren’t for that Title IX bullshit. Title IX represents everything that is wrong with allowing Women to participate in Government. First the fucking Government says that there has to be equal amount of teams, but what the fuck’s next? If there’s a female President is she gonna force us to watch their fucking games, too?
As excited as bros get every Saturday morning when Lee Corso puts on his mascot head and starts strutting around like some fucking idiot, a part of them dies inside the second ESPN cuts away to the early game. That’s because they’re greeted to a Big Ten stadium by the nasally voice of none other than Pam Fucking Ward. Seriously, who’s the fucking genius in charge at ESPN that thinks Pam Ward is better than any other available male announcer. I mean, even that fucking “Boom Goes The Dynamite” kid would do a better job that her. There’s a place for female announcers – it’s called the fucking Home Shopping Network.
“But NYB! Playing sports gives girls confidence!” Confidence to do what? Win a high school basketball game 4-3? I mean I get it – women are jealous of men and will do anything in their power to make things “fair” aka eliminate football programs just so they can have their precious fucking rhythmic gymnastics team. But come on, can’t women build self-esteem from a more respected competition? How about signing up for a Hawaiian Tropic #128 Bikini Contest? Or if bikinis are too “revealing” or “sexist” then look no further than a good old fashioned Wet T-shirt contest! Not physical enough? How about time-honored traditions such as Mud Wrestling or Foxy Boxing? Not only do these competitions give girls confidence, but even if they lose, they still might be able to win the fucking jackpot and bang a bro. Talk about a win–win!
Society preaches equality, however society’s definition of equality is fucking bullshit. Society promotes “equality” by taking away a bro’s rights to play Sports just so girls can get a free-ride to College because they’re freakishly tall and can make a free-throw without shooting it “Granny-style.” Society has made laws stripping bros of the ability to be bros for way too long. When will these injustices end? Before long we’ll be forced to watch Pam Ward cover Monday Night Women’s Indoor Volleyball. Is this a World we want to live in? If you ask me, Global Warming and the War should be the last thing on Congress’s mind. It’s time to put it to sleep. It’s time to outlaw Women’s Sports.