Wednesday, July 28, 2010

#128 Bikinis

Bros and society fucking hate each other. Outside of the glorious double-standard that makes it not only acceptable but also the social norm to bang #101 younger chicks while simultaneously labeling girls as #39 Cougars if they hook up with younger guys, there’s really not that much on which we agree. While society keeps pushing its anti-bro Nazi-like propaganda aka “Women’s Rights,” there is really little bros can get away with these days. Sadly, we live in a time where even harmless attempts at conversation can result in a fucking sexual harassment charge. Once innocent questions such as “Are you single?” “What color underwear are you wearing?” and “Do you swallow?” are now seen as “inappropriate” or “threatening.” Fucking bullshit. While society’s “Fourth Reich” continues its reign of terror on bros and the Women’s movement somehow continues to grow (hairy) legs, there’s always one thing that will remain constant. It’s something that reminds bros that women shouldn’t be running for fucking President or sitting on the Supreme Court (unless, of course, she’s ruling over “The Case of the Missing Shoes: A ‘Sex and the City’ Mystery!”) - they should be getting their tickets punched for fucking Pound Town. Obviously, I’m talking about fucking bikinis.

Whenever a group of bros heads to the beach or pool, they’re not out there to catch rays or flip through fucking tabloids to see what type of hats B-list celebrities think are cool. They’re there to check out slam pieces in their fucking bikinis. Bikinis represent everything that bros love about society. Whoever came up with the idea that men should wear huge baggy shorts as bathing suits and women have to wear two tiny pieces of spandex that are more revealing than most underwear was definitely a fucking bro.

Outside of dangling a Big Mac by a stick in front of a fat bitch on a treadmill, a picture of a bikini during the wintertime is the greatest form of motivation for any girl. Bikinis are more inspirational than all those fucking “My Wish” features about dying little kids on Sportscenter put together. Thanks to #95 Models, girls realize what the only acceptable body type is and as much as they love to say shit like, “I’m happy with my body, it worked for Khloe Khardashian!” or “More cushion for the pushin’!” deep down they know that the only way to get that guaranteed late night #text from a bro saying, ”Wanna bang?” is by looking like you belong in a fucking magazine.

Perhaps a bro’s favorite aspect of bikinis is the fact that there’s nowhere to hide. At the bar, a slam piece has so many ways to trick bros into thinking she’s good looking, just so he’ll sleep with her. Whether it’s makeup, dark lights, getting him drunk, or wearing one of those tops that’s tight around the chest to show off their cleavage but blouses over the stomach to cover their jelly rolls, slam pieces have more tricks than fucking David Blaine. The beauty of pools/beaches/rap videos is that there aren’t any surprises. Bros know what they’re getting so it makes it easier to decide who’s getting the free ticket to ride the Express that night.

While nothing beats a shitload of hot slam pieces in bikinis, it can all be cancelled out if there’s someone who doesn’t belong. Of course, I’m referring to the dreaded fat girl in a bikini aka beached whale. Bros realize this shit doesn’t belong so anytime one is spotted – they immediately let their other bros know. This is accomplished by yelling out shit like “FREE WILLY” or “Someone rescue that beached whale!” While in Mexico we came across a fatty in a bikini who our #94 Token Black Bro immediately #28 recognized as “BP” due to the fact that she was “a fucking manmade disaster.” Every time she walked by we would yell at her begging to plug the hole and asking, “What did those poor pelicans ever do to you??” Looks like she finally got the memo.

Sure this shit sucks but how can we end it? Fucking easy – much like kids must be 16 to get their driver’s license; I propose we enact a weight limit for a “bikini license.” Stores selling bikinis would each have a scale and if you exceed the fair weight limit (probably like 110 lbs) then you’re not getting a fucking bikini. By doing this not only would fat girls not have to hear bros asking them if they ate the entire cast of “The Klumps,” but it would provide a more enjoyable experience for bros – because let’s be honest, there’s nothing more important than that. And before all you fucking left-wing feminists start calling me made up words like sexist or misogynist, I’d like to let you know that my plan also includes the option for the fatties to buy a one-piece suit AS LONG as they promise to use the beach/pool when no bros are present.

As summer flies by, we as bros find ourselves with just a few more weekends to spend at the beach. The next time you’re there, try to break away for a couple minutes from sculpting that gigantic sand vagina to really sit back and appreciate. Tell that group of girls to the left they would be a lot hotter if they didn’t have so much cellulite. Try to catch a glance of the slam piece to the right’s #5 nipple as she ties her bathing suit back up so that god forbid she doesn’t have a tan line on her back. And perhaps most importantly, yell out “Go Back To Sea World!” at the fat girl walking down the beach. Sure you may end up giving her an eating disorder – but you’ve just made the world a better place for bros.

58 comments:

BROdo Baggins said...

Great post, NYB! It's 100% correct, just like everything that comes out of your mouth

Brominican Republic said...

Haha phenomenal as usual

Anonymous said...

Fuck yeah Ned god damn fat bitches deserve to be harponed and stored away until winter. Bros know that fat girls don't have a chance with bros so they shouldn't even show themselves in society cause everyone knows bros rule the planet. Great post!

Anonymous said...

this is hilarious in a dumb ass way you bastards are odee fucked up smh

BROger Federer said...

As usual, thats some classy shit right there. Don't forget the swimsuit edition man, sports illustrated sucks now cause weve got espn.com, but when that swimsuit edition comes around you can bet im #2 stealing that shit and #66 yelling at my bros about which model is the hottest or most down to fuck.

Keep it real.

Anonymous said...

Fucking awesome. So true. Bikinis look even better in the sand at night though.

Stay Fratty, Bromerica

Anonymous said...

Whenever me and my bros see a fat bitch on the beach we always shout "Man The Harpoons!" or "Egad! Its Moby Dick!" As for the bikini license, I always thought that girls should have to walk towards a wall and if their stomach touches the wall before their tits do, they can't buy a bikini.

Anonymous said...

NYB you are a great great man with a vision most men could only pray to one day achieve. But, you refered to a pair of tits as "cleavage", fucking moms say cleavage. Call them tits, fun bags, milk cannons, sweater puppets, warlocks, melons, boobies, or just fucking boobs. But you sound like some hipster left winger that supports womens rights when you say cleavage. No bro on bro violence, just saying I have never been pregaming on the front steps of my frat house as some dumb sorority bitch runs down frat row, ( which she is only doing to get fucking attention from bros), and said to my fellow bros " damn that slam piece has great cleavage" just trying to keep it real

Patrick Bateman said...

Women's rights? More like women's wrongs

Pillsbury BROboy said...

this article is pure gold. fat bitches should be forced to wear burqas like middle easterners.

Anonymous said...

It seems like someone always try to out-bro Ned's Younger Brother. Like the post above mine, for instance. If NYB fucking wants to say cleavage, he fucking can. Period.

NYB's word is law, so let's try not to out-bro the king.

Scott BROsius said...

From your lips to god's ears. Bro on

Anonymous said...

Great post, NYB - there is just one thing that I cannot agree with: Left-wing feminists aka women, who are too fucking ugly to ever get laid by a bro, do not get a free ticket to Pound Town. Besides, they should not be running for President or sit on the Supreme Court. Forth Reich must stop now!

Anonymous said...

Great post NYB... instead of a weight scale, there should just be a size limit on bikinis. They shouldnt make them big enough to fit the fatties. Because taller thin slampieces are fucking hot and will weigh more than the shorter thin slampieces

Anonymous said...

To the dude bitchin about cleavage. Cleavage isn't tits dipshit, it's the area between them. And NYB is correct chicks are always wearing bras that smash their tits together giving them more cleavage which makes us poor bros think that they have larger tits. Fuckin bro-hating wonder bras.

Anonymous said...

You know what I say, if I can't see your ribs, you're not beautiful. Way to bro down NYB.

BROvis said...

*Chants*

BRO, BRO, BRO, BRO, BRO, BRO, BRO, BRO, BRO, BRO, BRO, BRO, BRO, BRO, BRO!

Anonymous said...

After watching 'Hancock' on the way down to spring break with my bros last year, we were walking up and down the beach looking for some layup ladies and we walked by free willy. Well, after watching hancock throw a whale back into the ocean I said that "somebody to hancock that bitch"

Anonymous said...

wanna hear a funny joke?


womens rights.

T Bro Pickens said...

This post was inspiring as usually and tears formed in my eyes... I then realized it was actually beer falling from my eye ducts because I got so fucked up with my bros last night.

Kansas City BROyal said...

One time, me and my bros were at the beach when we saw a beached whale in a bikini. We all immediately ran over to her, surrounded her, and kept pouring buckets of water on her trying to save her. Then one of my bros grabbed his pickup and we "loaded" her in the bed and backed her into the ocean. We celebrated by taking all of her slam piece friends to pound town for a ride on the Bone Roller Coaster.

Anonymous said...

BROyal, why don't you write the next post. how about #129: Making Shit Up

Anonymous said...

Whenever my bros and I invite slam pieces for a little boat party, they always bring their DUFF friend. Theses fatties in bikinis destroy boat parties like that whale destroying that boat off the coast of South America. Bro-Haters!

Anonymous said...

Yo, great post.. only thing missing is the sole reason for wearin sunglasses on the beach.. starin at them slam pieces

Anonymous said...

why do bros name their yachts and cars after slam pieces?

because slam pieces are things.

JWright277 said...

NYB,
Yet again your words have sprouted inspiration among the masses. You truly are the everything Kanye aspires to be. Though your genius can't be denied I must point out that I do not believe your "licensing process" goes deep enough. You're certainly off to a great start with you weight limit, even though I think you're being a little generous 105 is the new 110. But you can't stop there. First, we must establish a licensing committee (made up of the finest judgers of appear...I mean character society can offer, bros of course). If a slam piece wishes to wear a bikini, she must apply first. Along with the weight requirement, she must also submit 3 photos (with the date in which the photo was taken included of course). She must then provide access to all of her facebook photos, so that the committee can make sure that "What Happens in Cabo, STAYS IN CABO!!!!" or "The One Where We Went to the Destin" do indeed validate the previous 3 submissions. And finally the applicant must also submit a voice recording (any form will do but phone numbers are preferred so that if a committee member needs send out a quick text to break that slump, also in the process assuring the applicant of guaranteed admission, he can do so) because we all know that there's nothing worse than seeing a hot slam piece walk by only to have her open her mouth and speak an thus ruin everything about her. Thank you for your considerations.

Anonymous said...

solid post NYB. you're definitely on to something with that weight limit shit. however i think it should be about the slam piece's size and not weight because a 5'9" slut is going to weigh more than some little 5'3" slam piece.

Anonymous said...

another flawless post NYB, lets keep broing!

Henrik Broqvist said...

Use BMI instead of weight. Anything over 22 and you have to wear a one piece. Or kill yourself.

Anonymous said...

fat chicks need love too....but they have to pay

Anonymous said...

Fuck all this weird science for determining what a fat chick is. Let's just higher some fuckin Japs to go hunting up and down the beaches. As you all know from South Park and Whale Wars Japs love killing the shit out of some whales. That should keep the hefty bitches off the beaches.

Anonymous said...

I love the fucking more inspirational then the dying kids on My Wish. That shit just takes away from my tie watching sports. Great post NYB

Anonymous said...

So do all ya'll bro's weigh under 150 pounds and have a bmi of say 14? I would think probably most of ya'll don't... so I don't wanna see any of ya'll in those board shorts you wear that are hugging your beer gut from to much bro time and way to much bro handles hangin out. Because to be honest, that is what is should be fucking taxed by the government.

Brony Montana said...

To the anonymous above: Damn right I'm not fucking scrawny 150 lbs. I'm tall and ripped as shit so I'm slightly over 200. Go back to your Halo and shooting up meth in your parent's basement.

Anyways my bros and me like to throw water on all the slam pieces laying out who have their bikinis untied so they sit up so we can see the tits in all their natural beauty. Do they get mad? Fuck no. They realize we are bros and give us their numbers so they can catch the late night Pound Town Express later.

Bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

^this.

even though anonymous' overuse of "ya'll" was incredibly annoying, they have a point. if girls are expected to be in good shape - so are bros. i can't tell you how many guys i know who have definitely gained the freshman 15. bye bye six-pack, hello beer belly. seeing a chunky dude in his board shorts is just as offensive as a fat chick in a bikini....just sayin'.

anon said...

I've been reading this blog since about #45, and I've read most of the comments as well. After all of this, I have to say that most of these "super crazy" stories are just from the imagination of a group of pimply fronting virgins who like to live vicariously through BLTS. In other words, stop making shit up. Please. The reason I love this site is because it's (a) fucking hilarious, (b) a great place to read anecdotes. Now, if these said anecdotes are nothing but fiction, well... why read that? It's like reading a horrible book (or any book at all). So please, all of you people pretending to be a bro, just stop. You look like a fucking retard and are pissing people off.

$Big-Easy$ said...

Bikini are best worn on your head after a successful slaying. Then she runs out the beach house topless and everyone gets a show. See bros know how to be charitable. Shit that 12 year old needed to see real tits instead of sneaking a look at skinamax. Bro on bros!

Anonymous said...

SO BRO
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fuSUlBL6cBI

Living with Balls said...

agreed...fat women should only be allowed to wear one pieces...and I hate those stupid MyWish segments. Screw those kids, I want more highlights!

Tim is not TeBrow said...

hey anon, suck a fat cock. obviously you're not bro enough to experience shit like this on your own.

that being said, one time I was on a submarine and this DUFF tried to attack our vessel. we instantly mistook it for a giant squid and harpooned the SOB. then we fermented its blood, got hella wasted, ported and slayed half the slampieces in some shitty town in russia. and my fucking bro immune system fought off 4 strands of AIDS/HIV while doing it.

A Bra Named Dupree said...

Know who else likes bikinis? Your female counterpart aka mother fucking bras.

We rock the shit out of bikinis and love making fun of fatties.

Check us out at the female counter part to your shit.

braslikethisite.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

there should also be a weight limit on yoga pants and skinny jeans

Vicky said...

Hey man I think your 110lb weight limit is a big mistake. All you will find is skinny chicks with no boobs! You gotta take into consideration the small skinny chicks with large ta-tas, because as you might not realize the boobs can be pretty heavy. Just saying.

Anonymous said...

Gotta agree with the people who think that weight can be misleading - tall bras can be skinny but weigh more than fat short girls. I say impose a measurements limit.

Anonymous said...

bros, being the shapers of mankind, also must give positive reinforcement to the sluts who understand bikinis look best two sizes too small. Tip your hat by jamming your sandy cock in her.

-ccc

Anonymous said...

in order to avoid the weight issue. Implement the height to weight ratio. (in/lbs) if this ratio is under 0.45. Their cut.

Anonymous said...

Joke for the day.

Whats worse than a male chauvinistic pig?- A bra who won't do whats she's told.

Anonymous said...

^ unless your name is "kim kardashian" then yes, you're cut

Anonymous said...

everytime me and my bros are at the beach we make sure to yell "Man the harpoons we gotta big one!" wenever we see a tubbo walkin our way. hilarious every time

bros are the shit.

BrasDOlikethissite said...

NYB:

First things first I am not a "bro hater" I have plenty of bro-friends, I work in a gym full of bro-roids, and I have a healthy respect for all the hard blacking out you participate in on a nightly bases however, there is something you should all be filled in on:

1. There would be nothing for you bro's to write about if us "slam pieces" didn't exists. #24 Birth Control Not Involving Condoms, #59 Sororities, #101 younger chicks etc. In fact what satisfaction would you really have? Or stories would you exchange w/ your bro's over beers @ happy hour? Honestly why would you even drink because you'd prob. end up getting piss drunk and mistaking a warm apple pie for a pussy...

Anyways...
You bro's aren't the only one's who "fuck & tell", you damn well bet your bottles of hair gel that us bra's make sure to warn our friends, drunkenly acquired friends, & half of facebook when you can't get hard enough to last longer than it took us to get it up. Or you prematurely ejaculate on your new kahki's when we start to "dry" hump, well it isn't dry anymore and now I'm left wet in more than one way...none of them satisfying..thank you. I didn't think viagra was a necessity for anyone under the age of 60.

Also, let me let you all in on a little secret--it doesn't matter if u can bench 300 lbs if your legs are the size of my biceps. And to be considered a bro you should prob. have a height requirement, preferably at least 5'11'' lets be honest no "slam piece" wants a 5'6'' bro with biceps that fit Hulk Hogan and legs that resemble my preteen sisters. Oh and lets just also throw out there that it comes as no surprise to any of us that height/weight has absolutely no correlation with the size of your "member" how disappointing. So when you "unintentionally" throw out there how much "bigger" your hands are then ours, we aren't impressed, and we wont be until proven that your dick isn't the size/width of your middle finger :)

Just like you are judging us on your scale from 1-10 we judge you just as harshly. New balance shoes? I'd hope you borrowed them from your fat neighbor as a joke and were forced to wear them as they were the only shoes you had in your car on the way to the gym. I had a bro that I was interested in drive hours to visit me, we went to a bar I knew the bar tender, I got him blacked out and after I was satisfied we went to sleep. The next morning I was making my bed only to find a perfectly round puddle of piss. Now do u believe I kept this to myself? HELL NO. I told all my girlfriends, bro friends, and well just about everyone. Lets see if some girl ever lets him over without laying down a blue dog training pad on "his" side of the bed. NOT a bro move.

I'll definitely agree that there are a lot more "bra's" that are openly DTF, extremely stupid despite their good looks, MOST of them giving us a bad name but there is definitely a need for more recognition for those of us who can "hang" w/ the bro's. Who have a religious spot on you couch on black out weekends watching different slam pieces sneaking out at 7 a.m in the morning, who are there to cook breakfast and laugh about how it happened to "slip" into her ass, and who've watched you shotgun more beers than we can count, who've helped you pull slam pieces by making you look good at the bar, and who when you finally finally find a bra who breaks your little bro-hearts listens to you as you swear off "bra's" and start looking for "slam pieces". Your fucking welcome!

Anonymous said...

@bras: get off this site and go read a fucking cookbook or something

Brometheus said...

@bras: who told you about the internet? Its a bro's world in here.

Anonymous said...

My mom always told me, "only fat ugly girls are feminists." :) You are fat if you arent pushing close to an 18.0 BMI (18 and under is underweight, 25 and over is overweight). If your stomach touches the wall before your tits you are definately fat. I don't want a woman to pull me out of a fire and drop me because she is a 5'3" 150 lb. lesbian. Any woman at the beach that isn't wearing a bikini is trying to hide something.

Anonymous said...

uhh anonymous - if a girl is anywhere near 18.0 she's anorexic. but who am i to judge? maybe you like women who look like 12 year old boys. because i hope you realize that girls that thin have no boobs or ass. i'm 5'3" and like 110 so that puts me at 19.5. i'd have to go down to 101 to be 18.0. that's gross.

and "bra" - shutup.

Anonymous said...

I couldn't agree more with the post above me. I'm 5'3", 110, and I have to bend over backwards before I can get my stomach to touch the wall. There wasn't a time in my life where you couldn't see my ribs. And I'm a 19.5. If I become an 18 my tits will disappear, so this "bro" who thinks that 18 is the only acceptable size for a bikini license needs to get his shit together.

Anonymous said...

Dude this shit fucking rocks. When me and my bros see a fat bitch on the beach in a bikini we offer her our lax pinnies. Grenades do not belong on the beach but I'm so fucking horny I'll bang her ass anyways. DTF.

Anonymous said...

Have to agree on changing the bikini cut rule bros. Before I saw the light a few years back, I dated (I know, how stupid was I?) this totally hot younger chick. 5'7", 115 lbs, tits a little small (Solid 34 B), but not bad. 5 pounds over weight for the acceptable bikini cut, but get this...she was a fucking "athlete". Major score. I went with her to her trainer once, only 10% body fat.

That's how it should be judged. If the body fat's too high, stick 'em in a one-piece. Please, for the sake of my eyes.

Bro Montana said...

How about we just have a bro running the bikini shop... He probably already is... Just have him judge if they're a fucking slam piece. If they aren't DTF for him, why bother selling them a bikini.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Copyright 2010 Bros Like This Site LLC