Thursday, February 10, 2011

#151 Valentine's Day

Holidays are crazy as shit. While most holidays have an actual religious meaning like Easter Sunday, others, such as Christmas, were created solely to get some fucking presents. Whether they’re set up to honor someone or just to get wasted, bros will give nearly every holiday at least some respect. Bros drink green beer on St. Patrick’s Day. Bros get fucking bang strange on #99 New Years Eve. Shit, bros would even get hammered for fucking Yom Kippur if it meant they could get out of work or a test. What bros won’t do is honor the most bullshit holiday on the entire fucking calendar. This weekend, bros won’t be buying $80 flowers. They won’t be hiring some loser Glee-addict to serenade their girlfriend. And they won’t be whisking girls away for a weekend at a Bed and Breakfast in motherfucking wine country. Instead, they’ll be exploiting this holiday for everything it’s fucking worth and for that reason, bros fucking love Valentine’s Day.

I can hear it already, “NYB!! How can you possibly say bros love Valentine’s Day?? I don’t even know who you are!!” Oh don’t get me wrong – I fucking hate Valentine’s Day. I mean, honestly, Valentine’s Day is nothing more than a Hallmark Holiday designed to get guys to show how much they care by spending as much as humanly possible on food/flowers/candy/vacations. But it’s really not about how much they care –it’s just a contest amongst girls to get the most shit so they can brag to their girlfriends to make them jealous. And this shit works both ways – if they don’t win “Best Valentine’s Day” then they get pissed as shit at their boyfriend and probably won’t fucking put out for like a week. All because some dipshit decided he wanted to invent a holiday to make some extra fucking cash. Bros realize how fucking stupid this is, which is why they don’t have a girlfriend in the first place. Bros also realize just how important this holiday is to girls, so you better fucking believe they take advantage of that shit.

Ever since their days in grade school, bros have been fucking dominating Valentine’s Day. Remember those days where if you brought in one Valentine, you had to bring one for everyone in the class? Yeah, I would never bring Valentines for the fat ugly girls. I’d also make it really obvious they weren’t getting one, too. If they ever asked me why, I’d tell them if they wanted a Valentine next year they’d need to “take some laps at recess” or “get your rich Dad to buy you a new face.” Call it harsh if you want, but I would argue I was really helping them. I mean, let’s be honest, “eating disorder” is just a fancy way of saying, “effective diet.”

These days’ bros realize the goldmine that is Valentine’s Day weekend. While single girls across the country have the event circled on their calendar as “Black Monday,” bros also have it circled, but their label reads, “The Day I Bang a Desperate Hot Chick.” You see, as much as girls in relationships love to treat Valentine’s Day as a competition, single girls see it as a sign of another year where they’re not in a relationship or married, which is the fucking sum of all fears for them. Some girls love getting together on Valentine’s Day, a fucking made up holiday I remind you, to “totally pig out,” promise themselves “this will be the year we finally get boyfriends,” and cry. The rest of the single girls take a different approach. Instead of just sitting around the house getting fatter while crying about the fact that no one loves them, these girls hit the town and try to live every single girl’s fantasy of banging a bro. Valentine’s Day gives girls a free “slut pass” from their friends, since they’re “single and lonely,” so this weekend the bars won’t just be packed with your standard #149 sluts that have been passed around more often than a bowl at a Phish concert. This magical holiday even makes the hot “high class” girls who normally require two #75 dates before letting someone bang them give it up. And you better believe bros are right there for the fucking taking.

Bros know chicken shit when they see it, and believe me, Valentine’s Day is chicken shit. But unlike bro-haters who outlaw things they don’t like (#144 Four Loko), bros are some of the smartest people on the planet, so they find chinks in the armor and they fucking attack. While Valentine’s Day may just be a bunch of manufactured consumer chicken shit, bros do what they do best. They turn that chicken shit into chicken salad…and then they fuck the chicken salad.

30 comments:

josh said...

Sick post

Anonymous said...

classic

Isaac said...

I cried.

The Chosen Bro said...

The Phish reference is fucking gold. Well done NYB.

george bro bush said...

Bros take that chicken shit and turn it into chicken salad...then they fuck that chicken salad, classic shit right there haha

Anonymous said...

haha this is hilarious...I'm a girl and unfortunately I have to agree with this 100%. Whats left of my dignity will most likely be gone after this weekend in DC

Paul Bro'Neill said...

"bros do what they do best. They turn that chicken shit into chicken salad…and then they fuck the chicken salad."

Solid gold, NYB

The Man With Bro Name said...

When I saw this title, I admit I was a bit skeptical. I thought it was supposed to read "hating valentines day" and there was a typo.

But after reading your post, I realized that this is fucking genius. Valentine's Day is quite possibly the ultimate Bro holiday, rivaled only by New Years and Halloween. Slampieces are lonely, horny, insecure, jealous of chicks with dates, and are therefore ready to take a trip to poundtown from the first Bro that shows her even the faintest hint of attention.

You don't have to even put real effort into it. You could take the chick to the fucking drive through at Arby's and that would still be enough of a "date" for her to drop her panties. While the rest of the bro-haters are taking their annoying girlfriends to $300 dinners, buying shitty overpriced roses, and listening to 2 hours of boring yakity-yak, Bros everywhere are balls-deep in the loneliest hot bitch they know by 8PM.

Last year one of my Bros knew a slampiece who was going to one of those stupid "singles awareness day" parties that ugly bitches throw. He convinced her to ditch the party and go to a bar with him instead. Banged her about three hours later, and then immediately dropped her back off at the party she had ditched in the first place where she rejoined her bitter friends. Then he went to another bar to hunt some divorced cougars. Fucking priceless.

Brosef Hess said...

fucking amazing. the title definetly threw me off. now its time to start the slaying

Anonymous said...

V day is all about efficiency. Here's a trick that worked for me last year. Look for the group of the hottest girls in the bar, I'm not talking about average I mean legit 9 or above. Send them shots of water and make sure they know its from you. After they shoot the water and you and your boys laugh your asses off, tell them to come over. You can take it from there...

Browen said...

NYB this sums it up perfectly. I hate Valentine's day because it means bras get pissed at you when you dont buy them flowers and shit. But it also gives you a great time and a great reason to bang the girls who werent expecting flowers from you. The best thing to do on this day is to start in the early A.M. and see how many bitches you can fuck. My record on Valentines Day is 4. Call it weak, but you try and beat it.

Elliott said...

V-day=open season! This bar in town is throwing a "stoplight party" where people wear red if they're taken, green if they're single, and yellow if they're "complicated," whatever the fuck that means. Being a bro, I'm sure as hell gonna be there, because I know what all those colors really mean on a slam piece: green=DTF, yellow=also DTF, red= still DTF! If a girl has a boyfriend, he's obviously a little bitch, not a bro, because bros don't let themselves get tied down. Ergo, seeing as she's dating an inferior, she's gonna be hungry for some honest-to-God bro cock!

--BROian Kelly

Mutual of Bromaha said...

NYB this post is legit as shit. Last year I took 4 slampieces to pound town in 2 hours at the bar on this momentus bro holiday. God bless Vday, god bless bros, and god bless the hot slampieces who fuck them.

Brosus, King of the Jews said...

Bro this is so fucking solid. Last year I dumped my slampiece 2 weeks before Valentine's Day. Told that slut I'd been fucking her friends, which I had. Then came Valentine's Day and that ho called ME, begging to dome me up all night cuz she "missed my cock." You better believe I let that shit happen, and while she was gobbling my knob I was texting some other slampiece I banged later that night. Needless to say, I've got epic plans for this year. Bros are the shit. Valentine's Lay is the shit.

Anonymous said...

This is all very true, and I'm a girl. Valentines Day is the perfect holiday for bros. But what girl wouldn't want to be with a bro anyways?

Anonymous said...

sick ass post bro

MightierToaster said...

4 hours into V-day and I just am cleaning up from banging out a desperate slam-piece. Bros are the Shit.

BrOcala said...

I just shot this single slampiece a text and said hey baby, on your lunch break I'm taking you to poundtown for some Valentines Loving...she's dtf!

Anonymous said...

I've always wondered the mathematical proportion between the size of the girl and how many valentines day cards she received in school

Bro vs. Wade said...

Great post NYB as usual. But I was kind of hoping that post #151 was going to be about how much bros love 151...

Coldcock said...

I'm going to the Teeter and ordering a quart of chicken, tuna and potato salad to get a feel of the textures of each on my dick while I fuck them after they come out of the microwave or refrigerator.

strasbro said...

this post gave me honest to god inspiration

so I was n french class on Monday, my last class of the day so u could easily tell who did and didn't get any valentine shit aka cheap ass candy.
there was a bitty I had seen at a party over the weekend who was vibing me pretty hard and as bro, I seized the opportunity to 'allow' this girl to be seen with me n public. we went to red lobster... not bro I kno... and the wait was an hour 45. I gave the hostess my number on a pack of parliaments cuz all hostess smoke and she obviously had no one special cuz she's a hostess.... and then she gave me n my bitty a seat 5 minutes later. bro
after my woman payed the check, cuz I def wasn't, we went and had some fun.

valentines day is basically a new years eve after party a month later

Jack said...

Try drinking #144.Four Loko while your slam piece gives you a #145.BJ wearing her #98.Victoria's Secret slut attire out on your deck with tiki torches lit on #151.Valentine's Day.

I, BRObot. said...

Me and my buds had a conversation that pretty much went exactly along the lines of this post. Started off bitching about how fuckin stupid it is but then concluded our brobate (that's supposed to be a bro-debate not a bro-masturbation) with the fact that ya it's stupid... but good for our dicks and therefore overall is beneficial to brociety.

jaghwan said...

NYB, I completely respect the angle you took on valentines day, although I think we need to pay respect where respect is due.. what I mean to say is the number 151 should never be followed with something like valentines day. It's a number that I can safely say has only, in my experience, been used in a sentance with 'blackout', 'so fucked up', and 'drove home'. That is because 151 proof rum, bacardi, that is, is one of the greatest drinks made by man.. 75.5% of pure goodness.. love what you do, but wish that #151 was "#151 151"

samwise said...

NYC, I'm going to have to agree with jaghwan on this one. Too many times have I woke up where not one person remembers what happened last night, until we open our eyes and see that bottle of Bacardi 151 sitting beside our bed. The drink that really, truely, fucks you up. Weather its Caribou Lou or a straight fire shot, 151 is guaranteed to make you cringe, and for those who arn't expecting it, can make quite the scene. Commonly seen as making people highly intoxicated after just a couple of shots, if you have a bottle of 151 rum you know it is going to be a good night!

Mike said...

Dude, once again you show how fucking retarded you are... Christmas solely created to get presents, no actual religious meaning? Dumb fuck, it's like THE big Christian holiday, ever heard about the birth of Jesus Christ? Not that I'm a devout christian or anything, but that is just plain common knowledge, especially for a guy who goes around hitting himself on the chest like a fucking monkey, wanking off to his mirror image on each spare moment. You're saying that bros are the smartest people in the world? You're a fucking moron.

And you are so getting herpes and aids with all the unprotected "bro sex" you're having. And liver failure. Enjoy the torture of being actually sick, dude, you deserve every single minute of it you fucking scumbag.

Luke said...

^bro hater

Bro Satriani said...

^^"Mike" is clearly just pissed it only takes us 10 minutes to walk off with the tail he's tried to chase for 2 months. Be sure to be there when she comes to you for a shoulder to cry on so she can run right back to us like the stupid slut she is, you fucking limp-dicked bro-hater.

Anonymous said...

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

Virgin

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