Holidays are crazy as shit. While most holidays have an actual religious meaning like Easter Sunday, others, such as Christmas, were created solely to get some fucking presents. Whether they’re set up to honor someone or just to get wasted, bros will give nearly every holiday at least some respect. Bros drink green beer on St. Patrick’s Day. Bros get fucking bang strange on #99 New Years Eve. Shit, bros would even get hammered for fucking Yom Kippur if it meant they could get out of work or a test. What bros won’t do is honor the most bullshit holiday on the entire fucking calendar. This weekend, bros won’t be buying $80 flowers. They won’t be hiring some loser Glee-addict to serenade their girlfriend. And they won’t be whisking girls away for a weekend at a Bed and Breakfast in motherfucking wine country. Instead, they’ll be exploiting this holiday for everything it’s fucking worth and for that reason, bros fucking love Valentine’s Day.
I can hear it already, “NYB!! How can you possibly say bros love Valentine’s Day?? I don’t even know who you are!!” Oh don’t get me wrong – I fucking hate Valentine’s Day. I mean, honestly, Valentine’s Day is nothing more than a Hallmark Holiday designed to get guys to show how much they care by spending as much as humanly possible on food/flowers/candy/vacations. But it’s really not about how much they care –it’s just a contest amongst girls to get the most shit so they can brag to their girlfriends to make them jealous. And this shit works both ways – if they don’t win “Best Valentine’s Day” then they get pissed as shit at their boyfriend and probably won’t fucking put out for like a week. All because some dipshit decided he wanted to invent a holiday to make some extra fucking cash. Bros realize how fucking stupid this is, which is why they don’t have a girlfriend in the first place. Bros also realize just how important this holiday is to girls, so you better fucking believe they take advantage of that shit.
Ever since their days in grade school, bros have been fucking dominating Valentine’s Day. Remember those days where if you brought in one Valentine, you had to bring one for everyone in the class? Yeah, I would never bring Valentines for the fat ugly girls. I’d also make it really obvious they weren’t getting one, too. If they ever asked me why, I’d tell them if they wanted a Valentine next year they’d need to “take some laps at recess” or “get your rich Dad to buy you a new face.” Call it harsh if you want, but I would argue I was really helping them. I mean, let’s be honest, “eating disorder” is just a fancy way of saying, “effective diet.”
These days’ bros realize the goldmine that is Valentine’s Day weekend. While single girls across the country have the event circled on their calendar as “Black Monday,” bros also have it circled, but their label reads, “The Day I Bang a Desperate Hot Chick.” You see, as much as girls in relationships love to treat Valentine’s Day as a competition, single girls see it as a sign of another year where they’re not in a relationship or married, which is the fucking sum of all fears for them. Some girls love getting together on Valentine’s Day, a fucking made up holiday I remind you, to “totally pig out,” promise themselves “this will be the year we finally get boyfriends,” and cry. The rest of the single girls take a different approach. Instead of just sitting around the house getting fatter while crying about the fact that no one loves them, these girls hit the town and try to live every single girl’s fantasy of banging a bro. Valentine’s Day gives girls a free “slut pass” from their friends, since they’re “single and lonely,” so this weekend the bars won’t just be packed with your standard #149 sluts that have been passed around more often than a bowl at a Phish concert. This magical holiday even makes the hot “high class” girls who normally require two #75 dates before letting someone bang them give it up. And you better believe bros are right there for the fucking taking.
Bros know chicken shit when they see it, and believe me, Valentine’s Day is chicken shit. But unlike bro-haters who outlaw things they don’t like (#144 Four Loko), bros are some of the smartest people on the planet, so they find chinks in the armor and they fucking attack. While Valentine’s Day may just be a bunch of manufactured consumer chicken shit, bros do what they do best. They turn that chicken shit into chicken salad…and then they fuck the chicken salad.