Thursday, December 31, 2009

#99 New Years Eve

Society is a bro-hater. Everyday bros wake up and society looks down on us because they are jealous, and to be honest with you society has a fucking right to be jealous. After all, bros are not only rich as shit, the smartest people on the planet, but they also bang the hottest slam pieces without having to go through the Barbaric practice that the rest of society refers to as #75 "dating." For 364 days out of the year, society bad mouths bros and invents words such as "alcoholism" to bring them down. But one special night every year, society turns its head and gives bros a nod to get as fucked up as humanly possible. One night a year bro-haters and ugly girls try to fit in with bros by getting dressed up and having like 3 glasses of champagne so they can tell everyone at work that knows they are a loser how drunk they got. For one night only all of society joins in with bros in a collective #4 chant counting down from 10 to 1 and then goes absolutely apeshit. That one night is tonight. Bros fucking love New Years Eve.

Bros fucking love any holiday that is based around drinking, so much so that they often #46 create holidays just so that they can get more fucked up without society judging them. But when society itself creates a holiday out of nowhere where the entire theme is getting as drunk as you possibly can, you better fucking believe bros are going to be front and center for that celebration. Honestly, whoever invented New Years was definitely a bro. Does it get any better than picking an arbitrary date and saying that not only do you have to get really fucked up, but you also have to make out with someone at midnight? Why don't we have a celebration like this every month - oh wait, bros do that shit every fucking weekend, except instead of a midnight kiss, bros are riding the Midnight Express Train to Pound Town. Anyways, there's a few reasons why New Years Eve separates itself from pretty much every other night bros go out.

All You Can Drink - No matter what you are doing, whether its some #19 kegger in some kid's parents' basement or a big event where slam pieces spend 3 hours trying to decide which dress would look best on some random bro's bedroom floor, there is going to be a constant: all you can fucking drink. Over the past couple years I have dropped some major cash on NYE open bar events here in DC and tonight is no different. While it may be expensive, you better fucking believe that I get my fucking money's worth. Before going to the bar, bros do the math and figure out exactly how many drinks they need to order to break even. It really doesn't get much better than the moment you realize you passed your quota and are now drinking on the house.

Reminisce On Your Accomplishments - Once that clock strikes midnight, girls across the fucking country are going to immediately go to their phones to send out the mass text of "Happy New Years!!!" Girls love doing this shit because they will get like 20 texts back from people making them feel like they are special, which of course they are not. While girls and bro-haters will think back to the previous year and everything they have done including life defining moments such as graduating, becoming an aunt/uncle, or getting a new hand bag, bros measure the success of the year by one factor: how many girls they banged. If it was a good year, you'll often see the bro with a tear forming in his eye as he looks though the pictures of the girls he slayed on his iPhone, silently wondering to himself if this year could possibly be topped. If it was a rough year, there's nothing to fear. The new year is just two minutes old and there are potential slam pieces everywhere. And better yet: they're desperate.

Lay Up Line - There are two days a year created by Hallmark to make girls feel alone and therefore vulnerable. God Bless New Years Eve and Valentine's Day. Every girl out there thinks one of the most romantic things ever is to make out with the man of their fucking dreams at midnight on New Years Eve, but as the clock starts to wind down on the year, they start to panic. They start to try to make plans of having a group kiss with their other single friends or just playing down the tradition saying it's stupid. That's when bros come in. While bros never have to put in any work with girls as it is, New Years Eve might as well be known as Effortless Sex Eve. By making like 15 minutes of conversation with some slam piece before the ball drops you'll not only be making out with her to start the New Year but she'll be locked into coming home with you that night or better yet throwing you some #52 dome shots in the coat closet.

As the New Year quickly approaches, while bros have much to be thankful for including their superior intellect, amazing appearance, and trust fund, I would contend that the world has a shitload more to be thankful for: the existence of bros. Happy fucking New Year.

39 comments:

Rafael Brotalvo said...

great post NYB u r a broking

Big "Bro" Jeezy said...

Great post NYB. I knew you were savin up for a bad ass post for new years. Congrats for helping us bros find something worth reading. NYB bro on sir!

Pierce BROsnan said...

Amen, Now let's pregame.

Big Brother said...

I have been drinken kahula and coffee since i woke up hungover at noon. Planning on drinking a case and banging a nice slam piece. Hope Bros round the world have a good one. Bros are the shit.

Sparty in the USA said...

Wake up early on nye, booze all day and watch football, slay a slampiece, get into the limo and head to the bar, run the frattab up, find a slampiece at midnight, slay a slampiece, snort some adderall, tap more kegs, watch football and the winter classic all day, slay a slampiece.

Happy fucking new year and Go Green

Anonymous said...

Absolutely classic post NYB. God bless bros

Bro J Simpson said...

I have rented a school bus that will be filled with fucking slam pieces and my fellow local bros

...Open Bar 5 Hours,

Enough said

Anonymous said...

NYB is a broking, and so am I. I slayed a slam piece last night, this morning, and I will slay again. Amen!

JimBro Fisher said...

Fucking amazing NYB. The only resolution I've ever made is to increase the number of sluts I plow through.

Frat hard for '09, it was a good one.

Bromerica said...

Big Brother, when you refer to "Bros round the world", you are of course being inclusive only of those 'Mericans overseas. Let's wish a raging new year to red-blooded 'Mericans here in the Greatest Country on Earth, bros away from home, and out troop overseas.

brarty brattenheimer said...

new year's eve is amateur night

Anonymous said...

As I woke up on the first day of the new year still drunk as fuck, this post was waiting for me. NYB you are a broking.

Dom said...

New Year's eve is a good opportunity for littering and trashing the environment after drinking too! All those cans sure got to go somewhere and they don't get recycled if you're a bro...

Luc Brobitaille said...

last year i kicked a fellow bro out of his hotel room to slay some slampiece in his bed. his fault for not getting there first.

Anonymous said...

New years eve is such a great opportunity for #98 lesbians. At midnight while you are making out with some lucky slampiece there is a %100 chance that some sluts are making out within 10 feet of you in any direction. One of my bros took advantage of this last night and fuckin took BOTH those sluts to poundtown. Bros all day.

Anonymous said...

NYE is for fucking losers who attempt to be bros for a night, as you said. But, this makes it fucking gay as losers attempt to copy what bros do every weekend (if not every day). Although NYE is fun it's not the best holiday for a bro. True bros consider St. Patrick's Day the true bro holiday because its the last time you can almost die from drinking before LAX kicks in hardcore.

Brossel Crowe said...

Bromerica,

NYB is a bro king in Australia, too. Don't forget the other bros in the world. We can't be divided by borders, we must be connected by our commitment to slaying slampieces and getting rotten every night.

- OZ Bro.

Bronan the Barbarian said...

Congrats on your 100th post, NYB.

Keep up the good work!

-Bronan the Barbarian

Broses, King of the Brews said...

This is like the gospel according to Bro.

Anonymous said...

So its 3am on NYE and I'm gettin a BJ from a slampiece I brought back. A text comes in and its a slampiece from a few weeks ago who has become really clingy and annoying, but she's texting for a booty call. I was pretty drunk and i reply back "Sorry, new year new pussy" which pissed her off for some reason.

However, cuz i'm a bro, I talked myself out of it the next day and i banged her the next day.

Anonymous said...

didnt get to sleep until 10 am the next morning, indulged in many chowder snakes throughout the night, managed a slampiece at 5 am, epic crush to say the least, NYB.. amazing talent

Bromeo said...

Knowing that it is socialy acceptable for this one golden night of the year almost takes the magic out of mutilating a slam piece at 7:30 a.m. while both of yall still smell like cigarette smoke and bar. Almost....

Mike Brosen said...

hey bros, this is my first comment, but ive always loved the site

just wanted to say hey and that i loved this post.

while being stuck with the fam on new years, usually very bro hater, i managed to make it a good night by doing shots of so co with my dad, and stealing shit from the hotel room. i then, went to work hung over the next morning, and stole from the job. cant wait to carry out the broditions for another year. happy new years guys

Anonymous said...

Ned, not everyone has a trust fund, but I will make enough some day to leave one. I'm still a fuckin bro right???

Old School Bro said...

BROMAN EMPIRE IS MY EMPIRE. Love this fucking blog. This is my life. I drive a range rover, got an ID, rock the iphone, get fucked up every weekend on parents boats or vacation homes, and yes I am going to an Ivy League school

The Notorious B.R.O said...

New Years Eve is basically just what we do every night except you can turn around and see the lossers from highschool desperatly trying to fit in, I ussually like to go double as hard New Years day just to prove im a bro and the all day hangover will not stop me from getting fucked up less that 8 hours later...bros for life

Anonymous said...

bros love all you can drink nights. right before new years me and the bros hit up a slampiece's 21st birthday party. you better fucking believe we rolled deep and dominated every free bucket that the chick's parents bought for us. we proceeded to blackout city and started throwing shit at her boyfriend. he started whining like a little bitch before realizing he was one more word away from getting stomped on by a whole brontourage. bros are the shit.

Mack Daddy said...

I was at the New Year's Eve party at NBM here in DC. While others say it was lame, every true bro knew the real deal. Since all true bros were in VIP at the least (I was in VVIP, of course), we just looked down at the plebes on the first floor to scope out some sweet slam pieces to bring upstairs. It was like being a Greek God, looking down from Olympus, but without all the gay stuff. It was even easier than it normally would have been cuz the girls were so glad you rescued them, plus you get to show up the loser bro hater dudes on the "poor people's level".

Brourice Clarett said...

bros are the shit

7th Year Senior said...

Bros are indeed the shit

danny said...

damn NYB. I gotta be honest, this site kicks ass.
this is the first thing I've ever read that puts everything that is bro-ness into words. fucking awesome.
plus, DC bros kick ass.

Brohio state fan said...

HAHAHA, the mass text girls send out, so fucking true. pathetic girls, one time a brohater sent me one of those, i just responded "pussy"

Bro-bi wan kenobi said...

haha my last new years i passed out at 1030pm... a full fifth of smirnoff with the only food consumed all day being a couple pieces of weed cake, legendary night... from what i have been told

Anonymous said...

Bros are the fucking shit. Two days until NYE and in addition to blacking out and pissing the bed, I too look forward to slaying something random.

It's great being a bro.

Anonymous said...

I woke up looked out my window and there is a stop sign still attached to the metal pole impaling my car windshield. is that shit getting fixed? fuck if i know

rajon brondo said...

Gonna go out on a limb here.

I consider myself a bro. and by that i mean i like to party and have a good time above anything else, i'm white and decently privileged and attend a preppy school, i drink a lot of beer, i like sports a lot and am good at them, shit like that.

but some of the other really aggressive shit that you talk about in some posts is borderline fucked up and im wondering if anyone else agrees. or am i a bro hater

Brosner said...

Bro-Hater

You best believe I racked a $78 bar tab up on New Years, then proceeded to swipe drinks at the bar when bro-haters ordered and then walked away before the drink was made. Slammed a Cougar that night, bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

true bros would be passed out before the countdown

BreauxThomps said...

BRO BRO BRO BRO BRO BRO BRO!

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