Thursday, February 17, 2011

#152 Banging Girls From Work

Work fucking sucks. You’ve only been at it for three months, but they’ve been by far the worst of your entire life. You keep thinking, “Is this really the way I’m going to spend the rest of my life - like some fucking caged hamster? Why am I such a sellout to my bro roots? Am I becoming a bro-hater???” Just as you enter the identity crisis that every working bro faces at some point in his lifetime you hear a knock at your cube – it’s that old annoying bitch that always talks about the fucking weather. Normally you’d just #60 bust a silent fart to clear her out, but she’s got someone with her this time: “I’d like to introduce you to Jennifer – she’s our new employee.” Holy Fuck - Jennifer’s hot. She’s wearing one of those outfits trying to look professional and shit, but you can just tell by the way she’s eye-fucking you – she knows you’re a bro, and therefore she’s down to pound.

Normal people spend months, maybe even years of “courting” someone at work before they even get the balls to ask them out, but you’re a bro, so normal rules don’t apply. You mouth the words, “3rd Floor Bathroom” to the new girl while giving her the international banging symbol of making a circle with your index finger and thumb of your left hand and rapidly sticking your right index finger through it. Ten minutes later, you and Jennifer are going at it in the handicapped stall as the motion-activated toilet repeatedly flushes. Talk about a good first day at work! She’s just lucky she met you – after all you’re a bro and you love banging girls from work.

A lot of people are scared of banging girls from work because they think just hitting on them could be considered “sexual harassment.” Luckily, bros don’t have to worry about that shit. By definition, it’s only sexual harassment if the girl doesn’t want to be hit on, and let’s be honest, who the fuck doesn’t want to be hit on by a bro? If I’m not mistaken, it’s every girl’s fantasy to be fondled by one of us. I mean, why the fuck would they present themselves on the dance floor just begging us to #29 rub our boners on them while Usher tells us how we should act “in the club” in the background?

Anyways, banging a girl from work can be tricky since it’s not just your run of the mill #31 one night stand who you tell you’ll definitely go out on a date with then never talk to again. You see these girls every day and NEWSFLASH: girls make shit fucking dramatic. Sure this blows, but the positive aspects far outweigh these issues – here are a few of them:

Office Hero: Just think about how shitty it is to work. Now think about doing it for like 20 years, with nothing but a wife and kids to go home to. Every office has got these guys who live vicariously through bros. Every Monday they want a full recap of all the shit you got into, while they imagine themselves doing it instead of their depressing actual weekend activities of yardwork, going to some 2 year old’s birthday party, or having missionary sex with their wife for the 4,000th time. So imagine their joy whenever they find out you banged the hot girl in the office. It makes their fucking year! They’ll call you the fucking man and thank you endlessly, usually with tears in their eyes. Then they’ll probably consider either getting a divorce or committing suicide so they can end the personal hell that is their marriage.

Blackmail: You would think girls would be proud for banging a bro at work, but for some reason, this isn’t the case. Typically, when girls submit to their natural carnal urges, they brush their girlfriends’ slut allegations off by claiming they were just really drunk because they didn’t eat dinner or some shit. However at work, it’s a different story. The last thing any girl wants to be known as is the “office slut.” Girls will do ANYTHING to prevent you from telling everyone in the office about your trip to Pound Town. Bros naturally take advantage of this. We agree to keep it a secret, knowing full well this means we’ll always have some shit on the girl. What the girls don’t know, is that even though bros promise they won’t tell anyone – you better fucking believe we tell everyone anyway. Seriously, what kind of charity do you think we’re running here? The fucking Make a Wish Foundation? We don’t care about your reputation – we care about ours.

Playing Dumb: Say one night at the bar you run into “Hot Accounting Girl” who you’ve never talked to at work. One thing lead to another, and the night predictably ends up with some hot reverse Accounting-girl action. While she’s probably expecting you to ask her out to lunch at work next week, you don’t have to do that at all. Just pretend like nothing ever happened. You’ve never spoken to her at the office before, so why start now? Just keep pretending she’s a stranger. If she tries to talk to you, just act like she’s crazy. Pretending you were #142 blacked out when you banged is always fucking clutch. If she gives you shit about being an asshole for not remembering hooking up, just be like, “So let me get these facts straight, I blacked the fuck out on Saturday night and now you’re telling me we had SEX? Oh my God...I feel so dead inside. That’s it - I’m getting a rape kit on my lunch break!” Causing girls to think, even for a split-second, that they might get charged with date rape is about as bro as it fucking gets.

If it were up to bros, they’d never get a fucking job. Unfortunately, at some point society forces bros to have their Dad call his old Squash buddy to hire them at his law firm. While many might consider time at the office a death sentence for a bro’s life, we capitalize on that shit. Bros realize there’s a reason there’s so many porns that take place in an office – it’s because that shit actually happens. After all, you can put a pantsuit on a slam piece, but it will never change the fact that she loves having random anonymous drunken sex with bros.

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

NYB this post was spot on!

Brotrocious said...

Uh, what bro sits in a cubicle? Cubicles are for people who didn't go to Ivy League colleges.

Anonymous said...

"Causing girls to think, even for a split-second that they might get charged with date rape is about as bro as it fucking gets." NYB you made my day as always

Anonymous said...

Classic. Every post you make is usually right on time with my life.

Anonymous said...

we dont care about your reputation we care about ours

Justin Morbreau said...

"We don’t care about your reputation – we care about ours."

This needs to be on a fucking t-shirt.

SouthernRushChair said...

Brotrocious, there is nothing bro about going to an ivy league school with a bunch of liberals and overachieving minorities.

Real bros graduate with subpar GPAs from state schools in the south, schools with more sorority girls than ivy leagues have students enrolled.

IdaBRO said...

as a younger bro with several years of college still to come, i am truly appreciative that you give me bro guidance for my post-college days in the workplace. thinking about life after school usually gets me down until i pound a couple brews and forget about it, but after reading this post i have hope that the brocist work world still gives us bros ample opportunity to BRO THE FUCK OUT. thank you NYB, bros are the shit

Hamilton Unbound said...

Proof that brocism effects even the highest levels of bros

http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/congressman-chris-lee-resigns-shirtless-photo-posted-internet/story?id=12878937

Anonymous said...

I've been banging my manager repeatedly for 4 months now...

MightierToaster said...

It's only my second week of work at my new job and I already banged out the hot slam piece that works here. It was the 3rd time we talked. Bros are the shit.

Ivy Bro said...

SouthernRushChair, you are not a bro if you go to some shitty state school in the south. You're just a hick.

Real bros have important fathers who get them into Ivy League schools where they don't do shit but slay, because they realize their futures are set.

Go make out with your sister or your uncle or something.

Patches Brohoulian said...

To Ivy Bro,

Ivy Schools are for spoiled brats with tiny weiners. See below article.

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/manhattan/hero_unwelcome_Zi3u1fwtRpo87vXAiAQfSN

The South also sucks.

SouthernRushChair said...

You think people at state schools in the south don't have money?

Pretty sure I just read somewhere about a guy donating 43 million dollars to N.C. State to rename the MBA program after himself and to build a golf course clubhouse... If you don't think that is bro as shit you need to get with reality.

Furthermore, you obviously have never been to a SEC, ACC, or Big12 football game if you think New Haven Connecticut is the prime bro site on this side of states.

Anonymous said...

Bros, bros, calm down. Whether you are rich as shit and go to an Ivy school or are are rich as shit and go to a southern state school, you can still be a bro either way. True bros at both places have a lot in common: they know how to dress, they fucking pound brews like it's their job, they don't give a fuck about class but will graduate anyway because bros are the smartest guys in the world, and they have slampieces lining up down the street to get banged. All bros know this.

BrOU said...

Bros, we all know Ohio, not to be confused with Ohio State, is the most bro campus out there. We are #2 in the Princeton party school rankings despite having a terrible football team. Fest season is again approaching, and I encourage all bros to make the pilgrimage this spring to Palmerfest or 8 Fest. Bros from all over have visited for years to drink, riot, and watch slampieces mud-wrestle before hitting one of 20 bars on a 3 block stretch to pickup up 3-4 ladies. brOU brOH YEAH

Anonymous said...

but still remember to be a true bro you have to have an important father who will secure your future for you after you are done making a mockery of higher learning. i would argue most "feaux" bros at state schools dont have this luxury

BROSKI said...

As the HR manager of a private country club, I fucked the pastry chef for awhile and then switched it up and started fucking the event planner. The cocktail waitresses were lined up, but bros like a challenge....

Brohamed Ali said...

Banged a slam piece from my previous job. She started talking shit. I started sharing naked photos of her to my work bros. Serves that bitch right.

Bro Joe Joe Joe said...

True bros bring lay down the Pound town Express in the office

carlos zambrono said...

chill bros. instead of calling into question the bro status of our fellow bros we should celebrate each other and unite against brocism. there are bros in the south, west midwest, new england, and in ivy league schools who all pound brews as well as slampieces.

old bro said...

Bros fucking love knowing when a girl is a slut. You can just see it in their eyes.

Anonymous said...

True bros never question anothers bros status... Only bras do that!

Anonymous said...

My bitches name is Jennifer haha

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