Thursday, May 12, 2011

#165 Beach Week

As College bros depressingly count down the days left in their time at College, their exit from the campus they’ve fucking dominated for the past several years means one thing: there’s a new batch coming in. Scattered across the country, the next generation of bros are polishing off exams, getting #145 blow jobs in coat closets during 5th period, and scoring lacrosse goals from fucking 80 yards away while suiting up for prestigious #111 high schools. Their eyes are focused on the Fall, when they’ll finally leave their fucking parents in the dust to enter the hallowed ground of their College campus. Before that happens they’ve got a shitload to do over the summer. In addition to traveling to Europe, getting enough cash from family members they’ve never even heard of to make it fucking rain, and dumping their high school girlfriend, they’ve got that special time every high school kid dreams about: Beach Week.

Out of my top 10 High School and College memories, I’d have to say that half of them came on a Beach Week. While College Beach Weeks were fun and all, nothing fucking compares to High School Beach Week. For all you people living in Middle America, you might know it better as either “Lake Week” or for those in Arkansas, “Above Ground Pool Week.” Either way, on the East Coast it’s fucking Beach Week. Basically what happens is a group of High School Seniors get together to rent a house so they can get fucked up. Whoever decided to classify Beach Week as a “right of passage” was a fucking genius. That’s right, we’ve fucking earned this shit by getting a High School diploma! aka something even that retarded kid from “Life Goes On” got. Anyways, here’s some shit you need to know about Beach Week.

Girls are Easier – For their entire High School or College careers, girls have done anything they fucking can to avoid being called a #3 slut. Luckily for them, anything goes on Beach Week. I can’t tell you how many stories I’ve heard that have started with, “Yeah I hooked up with him – but I mean it was Beach Week and we were both hammered” at which point the girl is completely absolved of all sluttery in the eyes of other girls. Also, they’ll never admit it, but one of High School girls’ biggest fears is going to College and “not being good at sex.” They’re scared that all these older guys are going to be so experienced and they won’t like them if they’re not. Obviously, this is bullshit that bros have invented to get girls to do freaky shit in the bedroom. As everyone knows, Bros don’t give a shit about how good you are, it’s all about how hot you are. If you want to get better at sex, lay off the fucking Krispy Kremes. Also, get a better looking face. Anyways the point is, the girls will be at the point where they want to hone their skills – and what better group to do some honin’ with than Bros?

The Chaperone – For some reason, sometimes Bro-Hater parents won’t be willing to let you go away from home for a week to drink all day and bang random sluts, yet they’re fine shipping you off to College to get “educated” for four years. Fucking retards. Anyways, if this is the case they might demand a Chaperone be present for Beach Week. Now Chaperones come in three forms:

1) The Dick Parent – Their rules usually involve no drinking, smoking, or girls in the house. If invited on a trip like this shit, run. Unless of course your idea of a good time is playing charades, pizza parties, and lights out before the fucking sun goes down.

2) The “Cool” Parent - Not only will they allow you to get fucking wasted, but they’ll also buy the shit for you. Everyone’s got that bro with the “Cool Dad” who has let you drink in his basement the past four years – that’s this guy. As long as you have the patience to listen to his stories about how he used to be able to buy a beer for a fucking Buffalo Nickel, you’ll be set.

3) The Fresh Out of College Older Sibling – This guy’s fucking clutch and is the ideal Chaperone for your trip. He’ll give that Eddie Haskell speech promising a “fun-filled, but SAFE trip to the shore” to all the parents so they won’t be calling you fucking non-stop to check in. He might even be getting paid since he's had to take a leave of absence from his Mountain Bike repair shop job or some shit for this week, but don't worry, he’ll be getting drunker than anyone. He’s typically more concerned with finding out which of your friends’ vaginas contain a “Whammy” aka a trip to the fucking Federal Penitentiary than who’s throwing up off the balcony.

High School bros are on top of the World right now. They’re getting cash thrown at them like they’re fucking Cam Newton, there’s graduation parties every night, and most importantly, in three months they’ll be out of their parents’ house forever. What could ever make this shit better? That’s right, mother fucking Beach Week.

18 comments:

Smokey Broes said...

Chaperones for senior week - you're fucking kidding me, right NYB? Do parents in MD/VA/DC actually try to pull this shit?

In Philly we rent shore houses for the entire summer and senior week is only the beginning of the next four years to come, summer included.

Anonymous said...

sick post...Brocean Shitty in one week

Anonymous said...

NYB this is a epic post....fuckin beach week!!! Getting hammered drunk and hit slam pieces left and right...

BROshon Moreno said...

Cam Newton is the next Jamarcus Russell.

Also, I can't wait to see Auburn have to tear down that statue they're building of him as soon as the truth comes out.

Unknown said...

Good to see this post back.

Anonymous said...

Great post. Beach Week after senior year at an elite private school. Unbeatable. A chapter in the life of any true bro. Also, clutch roast of Arkansas

Eddie Kehan said...

nothing beats when your friends parentsgive you their beach from multi million dollar home for the week..and end up having parties every night getting cited smoking drugs on the couch and slammin bitches left n right

Anonymous said...

ya, i was going to go to beach week; then i decided to go HAM a few weeks before graduation and get arrested and charge with felony burglary. luckily im a bro and all charges got dropped but those fucking bro haters called parents wouldn't let me get fucked up for a week straight. saying i wasn't mature and shit... what ever that means

midwesternbro said...

just graduated from high school. fucking finally. in the Midwest we gotta a little thing called "float trips". basically just cruising in a canoe with a bunch of bros and slams for a week while you beer bong your way to a great summer.

Napoleon BROnaparte said...

Beach week is slamminnnnnn!

brorlando pace said...

i graduate high school in 11 days.. and i cant wait for some fucking beach week. me and my high school bros have been living it up lately and we cant wait to make it rain at BrOSU and BrOU next year. i cant wait for all those graduation parties so we can steal beer from the coolers that are supposedly off limits to kids. hell maybe well bring it to beach week. also i love the part about the cool parent. u rule nyb

idaBRO said...

this post is fucking gold

except here in idaho we say fuck the beach and go up into the mountains and rent a yurt for a week and bring a fuck ton of bro juice. and we dont bother to bring chaperones either, because our dumbfuck parents "trust" us enough

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry NYB, but I gotta disagree with you that high school beach week is anywhere near as awesome as college beach week. It was fun and all, but college beach week is the holy mother of slutty, drunken shitshows. I just got back from my third college beach week in North Myrtle, where for the third straight year, my bros and I: banged random slampieces whose names we did not know, stayed drunk as shit the entire 4 days, trashed our room and didn't give a fuck (we also lost our security deposit because a couple of us got caught peeing off of the balcony.. still didn't give a fuck), and ate like kings on a diet of frozen pizzas, beer, and eggs. Other personal highlights include: trying brocaine and salvia for the first time, and getting a BJ right there on the beach.

Point is, nothing even remotely close to that crazy happens at high school beach week, mostly because everyone's got a much harder time getting more alcohol when they run out. Also, college girls in are way hotter in bikinis, and way more DTF.

Solid post all the same, though.

Anonymous said...

I'm from Myrtle Beach the land of crazy fucking seniors I graduate in a week from Thursday so the sexy slam pieces will be rolling in. I work in a restaurant and my bros are lifeguards so between the two of us we find parties thrown by those fuckers from Idaho and crash it steal their booze and slam pieces and hit it up again and again...life is good at the beach

Anonymous said...

NYB,

Great post, and I just wanted to post to brag to my bros that the aforementioned kid that scored from 80 fucking yards away is my bro from high school. Be jealous we were on sportscenter.

Anonymous said...

I don"t understand a lot of this bro stuff and maybe thats because I'm a chick but I graduate this coming may and going to beach week in june! I am so pumped! I don't drink but you better believe that week it will be on! Wearing next to nothing, going to clubs, and parties every night! I know a lot of kids from different schools that are going down to myrtle. Me and my friends tried to explain to other kids how different we will act but they don't know what they're in for!! Beach week 2012 bring it on!

Anonymous said...

My prep school campus was right on the brocean, and you better believe we treated every week like fucking beach week.

Anonymous said...

Can't wait for fuckin 2015, for my friends beach week! Gonna get hammered!

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