As College bros depressingly count down the days left in their time at College, their exit from the campus they’ve fucking dominated for the past several years means one thing: there’s a new batch coming in. Scattered across the country, the next generation of bros are polishing off exams, getting #145 blow jobs in coat closets during 5th period, and scoring lacrosse goals from fucking 80 yards away while suiting up for prestigious #111 high schools. Their eyes are focused on the Fall, when they’ll finally leave their fucking parents in the dust to enter the hallowed ground of their College campus. Before that happens they’ve got a shitload to do over the summer. In addition to traveling to Europe, getting enough cash from family members they’ve never even heard of to make it fucking rain, and dumping their high school girlfriend, they’ve got that special time every high school kid dreams about: Beach Week.
Out of my top 10 High School and College memories, I’d have to say that half of them came on a Beach Week. While College Beach Weeks were fun and all, nothing fucking compares to High School Beach Week. For all you people living in Middle America, you might know it better as either “Lake Week” or for those in Arkansas, “Above Ground Pool Week.” Either way, on the East Coast it’s fucking Beach Week. Basically what happens is a group of High School Seniors get together to rent a house so they can get fucked up. Whoever decided to classify Beach Week as a “right of passage” was a fucking genius. That’s right, we’ve fucking earned this shit by getting a High School diploma! aka something even that retarded kid from “Life Goes On” got. Anyways, here’s some shit you need to know about Beach Week.
Girls are Easier – For their entire High School or College careers, girls have done anything they fucking can to avoid being called a #3 slut. Luckily for them, anything goes on Beach Week. I can’t tell you how many stories I’ve heard that have started with, “Yeah I hooked up with him – but I mean it was Beach Week and we were both hammered” at which point the girl is completely absolved of all sluttery in the eyes of other girls. Also, they’ll never admit it, but one of High School girls’ biggest fears is going to College and “not being good at sex.” They’re scared that all these older guys are going to be so experienced and they won’t like them if they’re not. Obviously, this is bullshit that bros have invented to get girls to do freaky shit in the bedroom. As everyone knows, Bros don’t give a shit about how good you are, it’s all about how hot you are. If you want to get better at sex, lay off the fucking Krispy Kremes. Also, get a better looking face. Anyways the point is, the girls will be at the point where they want to hone their skills – and what better group to do some honin’ with than Bros?
The Chaperone – For some reason, sometimes Bro-Hater parents won’t be willing to let you go away from home for a week to drink all day and bang random sluts, yet they’re fine shipping you off to College to get “educated” for four years. Fucking retards. Anyways, if this is the case they might demand a Chaperone be present for Beach Week. Now Chaperones come in three forms:
1) The Dick Parent – Their rules usually involve no drinking, smoking, or girls in the house. If invited on a trip like this shit, run. Unless of course your idea of a good time is playing charades, pizza parties, and lights out before the fucking sun goes down.
2) The “Cool” Parent - Not only will they allow you to get fucking wasted, but they’ll also buy the shit for you. Everyone’s got that bro with the “Cool Dad” who has let you drink in his basement the past four years – that’s this guy. As long as you have the patience to listen to his stories about how he used to be able to buy a beer for a fucking Buffalo Nickel, you’ll be set.
3) The Fresh Out of College Older Sibling – This guy’s fucking clutch and is the ideal Chaperone for your trip. He’ll give that Eddie Haskell speech promising a “fun-filled, but SAFE trip to the shore” to all the parents so they won’t be calling you fucking non-stop to check in. He might even be getting paid since he's had to take a leave of absence from his Mountain Bike repair shop job or some shit for this week, but don't worry, he’ll be getting drunker than anyone. He’s typically more concerned with finding out which of your friends’ vaginas contain a “Whammy” aka a trip to the fucking Federal Penitentiary than who’s throwing up off the balcony.
High School bros are on top of the World right now. They’re getting cash thrown at them like they’re fucking Cam Newton, there’s graduation parties every night, and most importantly, in three months they’ll be out of their parents’ house forever. What could ever make this shit better? That’s right, mother fucking Beach Week.