A little over a year ago, a group of bros were invited to the Miami of Ohio Phi Delta Pi Sorority formal, at the Lake Lyndsay Lodge. But this wasn't your typical formal. Unfortunately for the bros involved, the owner of the formal's location was a raging Brocist. While this may be old news, the truth is we just passed the one year anniversary of the violent backlash that took place due to society’s unwillingness to accept bros for who we really are. And more importantly, if we let brocist history just fucking linger, we'll be doomed to repeat that shit. So, let’s take a look at the first hand account from Lake Lynsey Lodge owner and noted Brocist, Lyndsay Rapier-Phipps:
To whom it may concern,
I am writing to inform you about the behavior and conduct of the students that attended the Phi Delta Pi formal event that was held here at Lake Lyndsay Lodge on Friday April 9, 2010.
Immediately upon their arrival we were informed by the bus drivers that the students were acting belligerent during the ride down and demanded for them to pull over to let them urinate on the side of the road. When the bus drivers did pull over,they were then stopped by a Butler County sheriff.Fucking define belligerent. Were the students trying to overtake the bus and run it off the road? Were they fucking ghost riding the bus? Did they strap some bomb to it and make that shit go over 50? Probably not. My guess is they were just chanting shit and yelling out profanity. While illegal in “Demolition Man,” unfortunately for Bro-Haters, we don’t live in fucking San Angeles yet. And they “demanded for them to pull over on the side of the road”? Is this a fucking bad thing? It's called having to take a piss. Sorry we don't all wear diapers like your incontinent ass so we can just fucking piss ourselves whenever we want to.
When the students arrived around 8:00pm most were already heavily intoxicated and some could barely manage to walk inside the facility. Upon arrival, a male student asked the Lake Lyndsay staff member Yvonne if she had a washer and dryer in the building because he had vomited on his shirt and pants.This bitch should have fucking known that Sorority pregame parties are the biggest fucking shitshows on the planet. Of course everyone’s gonna be heavily intoxicated. You know what happens at Sorority pregames? The older sisters just shove shots down their "littles" throats until they can't fucking stand anymore, just so they can scream out shit about how "WE HAVE THE BEST FAMILY!!!" Half the time the Sorority girls have to be fucking carried to the formal, the other half, they don't even fucking make it. And what’s so wrong about asking where the washer and dryer are? He’s trying to be a gentleman.
When the caterer decided to stop serving the alcohol because the students were overly intoxicated, a couple of the male students climbed over the bar and on top of the counter to get around the caterer and to the alcohol.So let me get this straight – you cut off the bar because people were too wasted, and you think they’ll just call it a night and switch to fucking Shirley Temples or some shit? No fucking old lady’s gonna tell Bros when they’ve had enough to fucking drink! These guys are fucking heroes and this bitch is trying to act like they’re criminals. This seems to be a growing trend. Remember the last time someone came to the rescue when the alcohol was kicked at a party? Whatever happened to him? Hmmm. Oh, that’s right THE JEWS CRUCIFIED HIM!
We let the students use our table decorations for free. And they repaid us by taking two of our crystal vases outside and throwing them off of the porch to shatter on the concrete patio below. We now have to inform the brides that are scheduled to use these vases later this summer, that we do not have enough for them to use now due to the fact that they do not make this particular vase any longer.HOLY SHIT! TABLE DECORATIONS!! For free right?? What an enchanted evening!!Somebody alert fucking Martha Stewart, Lake Lynsay’s got some crystal vases! Fucking please. And I’m sure that bride’s gonna be devastated these bros ruined her wedding by shattering these precious vases. Take it from someone who’s done his fair share of wine and beer bottle smashing. It's fucking awesome. Now, I’ve never smashed vases, but I can only imagine the fucking power you’d feel. I guarantee the enjoyment these bros got out of this is much more than anything that fucking bride would have ever gotten. Besides, she'll already have had the pleasure of smashing her husbands testicles earlier that day.
Elizabeth saw a group of male students on the side of the building laughing, and when both Yvonne and Elizabeth went back later to see what they had done, they found a pile of human feces on the side of the building.Alright, before we start pointing fingers again at these bros, how the fuck did Yvonne and Elizabeth know it was human feces? Can they seriously tell the difference between human and dog shit? I bet Yvonne took some big lick of it and screamed out, “HUMAN!!!” Either way, whatever, so somebody had to fucking take a shit. Big fucking deal. You know who takes shits? Everyone. That's right even Kate Upton. Not as hot anymore is she? Who the fuck am I kidding, yes she is. Anyways, what I'm guessing is there was probably a long line at the bathroom or something. Would you have rather had them shit their pants? For the last time, BROS DON'T WEAR DEPENDS, BITCH.
Yvonne found two students in the caterer's closet having intercourse on top of the stacked tables. Yvonne turned the lights on and told them to "get out now." The male student proceeded to curse at her and turn the light off. Yvonne turned the light back on and stayed there while they dressed themselves and left the closet.God, if anyone should be on trial here, it’s that bitch Yvonne. First she licks a pile of human shit, and now she’s looking to get in on a three-way with two College kids. All this bro asked was to have some privacy as he romanced the shit out of his slam piece in the Caterer’s closet. Yvonne was obviously jealous that she couldn’t bang the bro, most likely because she’s fat, so she wanted to do the next best thing and watch that shit. It's funny how Lyndsay just glosses over the fact that Yvonne was trying to masturbate with the Cappuccino machine at the time (probably.)
Bros don't ask for much. For the most part we want to be left alone to enjoy life. Sometimes, fucking Bro-Haters get in the way of some of our good, clean, honest fun of puking on ourselves, drinking until we shouldn't medically be alive, having sex in closets, or taking dumps on private property. By working together, we can one day end the Bro-partheid that splits this country apart. Can we ever live together in harmony? It's doubtful, but until then Bros will march forward. Bros will take pisses in kitchen sinks and smash other people's property. And Bros definitely won't let Bro-Haters like Lindsay Rapier-Phipps slow us down. Bros: 1. Lake Lyndsay Lodge: 0.
Lyndsay Rapier-Phipps's Brocist Letter:
If you find other glaring acts of Brocism, sent them to NedsYoungerBrother@gmail.com