Bros are like Christopher Columbus. We’re fucking Conquistadors constantly searching for shit that no man’s ever seen before. But unfortunately, we live in a world where, much like Columbus’s greatest “discovery” of America, there’s rarely a Slam Piece out there who’s natural resources haven’t already been tapped into. Regardless of the fact that bros are often subjected to “Sloppy Seconds” or more likely, “Sloppy Forty Thirds,” we don’t take this shit as a strike against us. Unlike women, who will fucking cry for hours when “true adversity” hits them aka the death of a character on “Grey’s Anatomy,” bros rise above it. We fucking embrace that shit. Every time a Bro throws coal in the engine of the Pound Town Express, the Slam Piece isn’t the only passenger getting her ticket punched. No, instead, back in the Dining Car there’s a group of people you’ll now be linked to for the rest of your life getting fucking wasted: your Eskimo Brothers.
The first time I ever heard the term Eskimo Brothers was on “The League,” and I fucking loved it. Basically, an Eskimo Brother is a guy who’s banged the same girl that you have. While yes, every bro wants to believe that the girl he brought home after talking to for like 10 minutes at the bar is “Not really a slut,” and “Never does this kind of thing,” let’s be fucking honest here: she’s a fucking whore. It’s a scientific fact that after 12 am, Slam Pieces are physically unable to resist banging bros. Therefore, since there’s a fucking shitload of us, it’s pretty likely she does this a lot. So how is having Eskimo Brothers a good thing? Let’s take a look:
Unites Bros: Every group of bros has that one girl that everyone’s fucking run train on. After she bangs about three or four, it becomes a competition to see how many guys can get in on that shit. Pretty much anytime she hangs out, bros will go around the room and ask, “OK, who’s gonna bang her tonight?” When they’re sober, everyone will fucking deny that shit, but once they get all boozed up, the recycled ass won’t look all that bad.
The Famous Eskimo Brother: Hearing the news that one of your old Slam Pieces banged some famous athlete or musician must be what it’s like to win the fucking Nobel Prize. In the matter of seconds, your lifetime resume of laying wood has immediately been validated. Famous people can bang whomever they want, whenever they fucking want, and he banged a girl that banged you! Recently, one of my bros found out he’s an Eskimo Brother of Clinton Portis, which as a Redskins fan is pretty much as good as it fucking gets – unless of course she had banged Joe Gibbs.
Your Sloppy Seconds: I always love it when I see a girl on facebook that one of my bros used to bang back in College is in a serious relationship or even getting married. Doesn’t that guy realize she was a fucking slut in College? I mean, not just like an “It was College, I was drunk!” type slut, I’m fucking talking borderline Craig’s List hooker slut. What lies is she fucking feeding him? Do you really think he would be marrying her if he knew she got Eiffel-Towered by two Pikas? Has he seen that POV #145 BJ video you and your bro took on #165 Beach Week? Anyways, the point is, every time you see the loser that ended up “buying the cow” after she basically paid you to take her fucking milk, you can just smile and say those four magic words, “How’s My Dick Taste?”
Fucking Bro-Haters constantly claim banging strangers is a bad thing. What they don’t understand is that bros don’t give a shit. We don’t give a fuck about made up diseases invented by losers who don’t get any ass. Even if that shit did exist we have immune systems stronger than fucking adamantium. We definitely don’t give a shit that a bunch of other dudes banged that girl before us. We’re connected forever. It’s a Circle of Sluts - and it fucking moves us all.