Bros, decided to dip back into the old mailbag before heading to Dewey Beach. Things I’m looking forward to this weekend: BBQing, #4 Chanting U-S-A, #142 Blacking Out 5 hours before the Sun sets, and those smoking hot Red, White, & Blue #128 Bikinis.
Anyways, on to the mail – if you’ve got questions send it to NedsYoungerBrother@gmail.com or @NedsYoungerBro on twitter.
I want to support your website, but you’re not on MySpace. Why don’t you start a page so all your MySpace fans can interact with you?
Are you fucking kidding me? Who the fuck uses MySpace anymore? Who the fuck ever used MySpace? The best part about MySpace used to be that if anyone ever asked you, “So, are you on MySpace?” you immediately knew they didn’t go to College, meaning you were automatically better than them and/or they were a fucking serial killer. I remember hearing all kinds of shit like, “Oh yeah, I get so much fucking pussy from MySpace.” Honestly, if you’re picking up girls using the internet, you’re on a slippery slope to taking a seat next to newly crowned Bro King Chris Hanson and the Dateline crew explaining why you’ve got a big tub of lube and a six pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade in your backpack.
Speaking of Mike’s Hard Lemonade, have you noticed all their commercials are trying to make it seem cool for guys to order that shit, you know, just as a change of pace from “boring” beer? You know they’re just jealous of Smirnoff for all that “Bros Icing Bros” shit last year, but I’m sorry Mike, we’re not starting shit with your disgusting ass excuse for alcohol. They should really try to advertise to their actual market – fat, bald, middle age men looking to bang little kids. I can see the tagline now: “Mike’s Hard Lemonade: Cold. Hard. Lubricating.”
NYB, last week I was out at the bar and after a night of grinding on some slam piece and buying her drinks (I know a true bro never buys girls drinks, I’m sorry I was really drunk) I go in for the makeout only to be batted away. Turns out she had a fucking boyfriend!! How do I avoid this problem in the future??
I know everyone wants me to say some shit like, “WHO GIVES A FUCK?? BANG HER ANYWAYS!!! YOU’RE A BRO!!!” but come on, I’m not gonna lie, this shit’s happened to me too. All the girls out there will be saying, “She’s just making that up because she doesn’t want to bang you,” but that’s fucking bullshit. I swear to fucking God the past couple times this shit happened, the girl was the one who approached me, started grinding, gave me her number, and even bought me drinks, then drops the fucking bomb on me that she’s got a fucking boyfriend. I don’t even know why girls with boyfriends even set foot in the bar. What’s the fucking end game here? You feel better about yourself just because some guys hit on you? Wow, your self-esteem must be really low. It’s probably because your boyfriend cheats on you. Bars really need to be stricter on their admission policy. Sure they keep the underage kids out with their fucking Bro-Hater #ID scans, but let’s take it a step further. Girls should have to show they’re not in a relationship, by oh I don’t know, making out with a bouncer, just to prove they’re game. Also, there should be a scale to weed out fat chicks.
Where is the most Bro place to go on vacation?
A Bro’s summer vacation never revolves around checking shit off their bucket list (besides any sexual related items) or pretty much anything to do with culture. To be honest, you really don’t need to go anywhere special as long as you’ll be able to get wasted a majority of the time and there’ll be plenty of opportunities to get some strange.
I’d say on any solid vacation you need to be drunk at least 75% of your waking hours. And for the people out there who just spit their coffee all over their computer screens, gasping and screaming, ALCOHOLICS!!! go fuck yourself. We’re on fucking vacation, not in the office or the fucking classroom. But don’t you want to remember your vacation?? Remember what? The ocean? Newsflash: I know what the fucking ocean looks like.
You’ve also got to be careful that the place you’re heading to will have slam pieces. All those online travel websites should have some sort of symbol like they do indicating if the resort has smoking, kids shit, handicapped accessibility (avoid these), etc. that lets bros know if there are bitches looking for a pounding. I’d like to formally offer the Pound Town Express as that symbol, but I’m open to suggestions.
You really gotta be careful though, especially with those all-inclusive resorts in the Caribbean. It may seem like a great deal, but 9 times out of 10, when you arrive you’ll discover that the only available chicks are like 50, divorced and have such ridiculous Botox they look like fucking RuPaul. Having the option to go out to bars to meet other vacationing slam pieces should be a top priority, because after all, no matter how tame or how much of a “good girl” she is at home, every girl on vacation turns into a fucking slut.