The first couple seasons of #47 Entourage contained some of the most inspirational episodes of television I’ve ever fucking seen. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t wanted to be Vince, I wanted to be one of his free loader friends. You see, one of my best friends in College was an All-American kicker and such a legitimate NFL prospect that Mel Kiper put him on his big board. Our entire plan was to just live off all his money, get wasted all the fucking time, and bang models, mostly because we’d seen it all done on Entourage. Unfortunately, he didn’t get drafted, got hurt, and now he doesn’t even kick anymore, but those two seasons hooked me to the point I had to watch every fucking episode the rest of the way. For the most part, it was good – got to see some fucking titties, Johnny Drama said some funny shit, and it was at least more entertaining than whatever the fuck else was on Sunday nights at 10:30, but looking back now, the series finale was exactly what the past 4+ seasons have been: absolute shit.
Where the fuck did they go wrong? The show used to stand for something. You know, getting fucked up, treating girls like shit, and Johnny Drama saying “fuck” like a thousand times. The past couple seasons were all about fucking relationships that no one cares about. Sure Sloan’s hot, but she would never bang E. Even that rat face girl from two seasons ago is out of E’s league. And fucking please, Turtle couldn’t get laid if his hand was a vagina, much less pull Meadow Soprano and that little Mexican Tortilla he was injecting his sour cream into. Sure it was cool Vince was banging a porn star, but Sasha Grey? Couldn’t they have done a little better than that 6 with a bush the size of Yosemite Sam’s mustache? Who beats it to Sasha Grey? No one, that’s fucking who. Not to mention he was being a little bitch the entire time not letting her get gang-banged, even though, you know, she’s a PORN STAR.
Now in regards to the finale itself, it was the saddest sack of shit I’ve ever seen. Everything works out in the end, just like it fucking always does, but what the fuck? Ari has the option as most powerful man in show business to bang whoever the fuck he wants, but instead begs Butterface Mcgee to take him back? And don’t go fucking screaming, “PERREY REEVES IS A HOT SLAM PIECE.” Fucking please, her nose makes her look like fucking Strega Nona. Just because she looks good in lingerie doesn’t fucking make her hot.
And thanks to writers stealing the end of “Dodgeball,” Turtle is now a millionaire courtesy of Vince, so he doesn’t need to do shit anymore, which is a shame because he had so many fucking investment connections. Oh you know, normal ones, like a bunch of athletes! A lot of baseball players talk on their cell phones on the field during batting practice and basketball players definitely will take a call from some fucking nobody friend of a movie star in the middle of a play on the court. Whatever though, we would have never gotten the picture that Turtle needed money without Teixeira, A-Rod, Amare and fucking Michael Strahan. Plus, they were HILARIOUS!
And the man himself, Vince. I fucking saw this shit coming the first time Alice Eve entered the show and rejected him. I mean I guess it’s understandable she wouldn’t want to bang him. His last girlfriend was in fact a porn star. But all that changed thanks to that DVD of his ex-slam pieces saying how great a guy he is! When did that shit happen? I always liked Vince because he banged so many fucking girls then never called them again. Nice guy? Who the fuck is on that DVD? The waitress he banged in the coat closet? The British chick he picked up at the pool? His ex-girlfriend in Queens he uses for sex every time he visits? What show did these writers think we were watching? And now we’re supposed to believe he’s getting married? To this reporter chick he’s been on one date with? Who wouldn’t give him the time of day 48 hours earlier? Come on, even the biggest fucking Bro-King on the planet wouldn’t pull this shit, and even if he could, wouldn’t he just try to bang her until he got bored with her instead? What the fuck does marriage have to do with anything?
Look, I realize there’s gonna be a shitload of fucking hated about bad-mouthing Entourage, but come on bros, Entourage is to bros what Star Wars is to fucking nerds. The fact that the last few seasons of a show I once loved belonged on the Hallmark Hall of Fame channel isn’t fucking right. We committed so much time and energy and got no fucking payoff. When it comes down to it, was it really too much to ask that the series end with the characters in the same position when it started: Wasted and knee deep in some fucking strange. Rest in Peace Entourage.
Follow Me on Twitter
Like Bros Like This Site on Facebook
Friend Me on Facebook