Thursday, September 15, 2011

Review: Entourage Finale - What the Fuck?

The first couple seasons of #47 Entourage contained some of the most inspirational episodes of television I’ve ever fucking seen. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t wanted to be Vince, I wanted to be one of his free loader friends. You see, one of my best friends in College was an All-American kicker and such a legitimate NFL prospect that Mel Kiper put him on his big board. Our entire plan was to just live off all his money, get wasted all the fucking time, and bang models, mostly because we’d seen it all done on Entourage. Unfortunately, he didn’t get drafted, got hurt, and now he doesn’t even kick anymore, but those two seasons hooked me to the point I had to watch every fucking episode the rest of the way. For the most part, it was good – got to see some fucking titties, Johnny Drama said some funny shit, and it was at least more entertaining than whatever the fuck else was on Sunday nights at 10:30, but looking back now, the series finale was exactly what the past 4+ seasons have been: absolute shit.

Where the fuck did they go wrong? The show used to stand for something. You know, getting fucked up, treating girls like shit, and Johnny Drama saying “fuck” like a thousand times. The past couple seasons were all about fucking relationships that no one cares about. Sure Sloan’s hot, but she would never bang E. Even that rat face girl from two seasons ago is out of E’s league. And fucking please, Turtle couldn’t get laid if his hand was a vagina, much less pull Meadow Soprano and that little Mexican Tortilla he was injecting his sour cream into. Sure it was cool Vince was banging a porn star, but Sasha Grey? Couldn’t they have done a little better than that 6 with a bush the size of Yosemite Sam’s mustache? Who beats it to Sasha Grey? No one, that’s fucking who. Not to mention he was being a little bitch the entire time not letting her get gang-banged, even though, you know, she’s a PORN STAR.

Now in regards to the finale itself, it was the saddest sack of shit I’ve ever seen. Everything works out in the end, just like it fucking always does, but what the fuck? Ari has the option as most powerful man in show business to bang whoever the fuck he wants, but instead begs Butterface Mcgee to take him back? And don’t go fucking screaming, “PERREY REEVES IS A HOT SLAM PIECE.” Fucking please, her nose makes her look like fucking Strega Nona. Just because she looks good in lingerie doesn’t fucking make her hot.

And thanks to writers stealing the end of “Dodgeball,” Turtle is now a millionaire courtesy of Vince, so he doesn’t need to do shit anymore, which is a shame because he had so many fucking investment connections. Oh you know, normal ones, like a bunch of athletes! A lot of baseball players talk on their cell phones on the field during batting practice and basketball players definitely will take a call from some fucking nobody friend of a movie star in the middle of a play on the court. Whatever though, we would have never gotten the picture that Turtle needed money without Teixeira, A-Rod, Amare and fucking Michael Strahan. Plus, they were HILARIOUS!

And the man himself, Vince. I fucking saw this shit coming the first time Alice Eve entered the show and rejected him. I mean I guess it’s understandable she wouldn’t want to bang him. His last girlfriend was in fact a porn star. But all that changed thanks to that DVD of his ex-slam pieces saying how great a guy he is! When did that shit happen? I always liked Vince because he banged so many fucking girls then never called them again. Nice guy? Who the fuck is on that DVD? The waitress he banged in the coat closet? The British chick he picked up at the pool? His ex-girlfriend in Queens he uses for sex every time he visits? What show did these writers think we were watching? And now we’re supposed to believe he’s getting married? To this reporter chick he’s been on one date with? Who wouldn’t give him the time of day 48 hours earlier? Come on, even the biggest fucking Bro-King on the planet wouldn’t pull this shit, and even if he could, wouldn’t he just try to bang her until he got bored with her instead? What the fuck does marriage have to do with anything?

Look, I realize there’s gonna be a shitload of fucking hated about bad-mouthing Entourage, but come on bros, Entourage is to bros what Star Wars is to fucking nerds. The fact that the last few seasons of a show I once loved belonged on the Hallmark Hall of Fame channel isn’t fucking right. We committed so much time and energy and got no fucking payoff. When it comes down to it, was it really too much to ask that the series end with the characters in the same position when it started: Wasted and knee deep in some fucking strange. Rest in Peace Entourage.

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Anonymous said...

Completely disagree bro. First time I think you're way off.

Anonymous said...

Well put NYB. Didn't the writers known they were wrapping up Entourage, not Sex in the City?

Anonymous said...

THANK YOU! I felt like I was taking crazy pills. That was one of the worst finales in the history of television. Ruined a great run (this season is not included in the "great run").

Mile High Bro said...

When Drama said, "Turtle is a millionaire?" I wanted to throw my remote through my flatscreen like those coordinated Wii athletes on YouTube.

Ari got soft, Turtle got skinny, Vince fell in love and E banged 2 slampieces. I was ready for Drama to win an Oscar by the end of the season.

Anonymous said...

This post is absolute truth. Even though it was known that this would be the last season, they threw together a completely ridiculous ending (even for Entourage standards) fit for a show being cancel halfway through its second season. That being said, there's a hopeful silver lining to this giant cloud of evaporated piss, and that is what was shown after the credits (basically Ari can become the richest man in the world). Which can only mean one thing: Ari Gold Spinoff. Think about it. Ari has always been the best part of Entourage (sometimes the only good part) and if they can somehow get him back to his old ways instead of being Mrs. Ari Gold's little bitch, it could be the Phoenix rising from the ashes from all the blunts we smoked while watching Entourage.

Anonymous said...

Well said NYB. HBO does not know how to close. I could have written a better thought-out ending with my cock on fire.

I knew everything was doomed to turn to shit after the episode last season when E was afraid to bang Sloan in her brown eye. Are you fucking kidding me? Who in their right mind would hesitate to bang Sloan's perfectly bleached butthole upon her request? I'd eat scrambled eggs out of that shit.

They should have ended the series two seasons ago when Vince landed a Martin Scorsese film, which also would have never happened. If Boardwalk Empire is heading in the same direction, I may cut my losses now.

Anonymous said...

Totally agree NYB. Even Drama's classic line at the end ("She doesn't look preggers from behind") couldn't save this season. They definitely needed more Drama and less drama this season.

Anonymous said...

The finale was about three chicks who all simultaneously stopped PMS-ing and chilled the fuck out. Terrible.

Anonymous said...

No two ways around it. Entourage sucked. We saw one set of tits all season (chick flashing the car in ep.1) vince fucked no one (on screen) and everyone else pussed the fuck out. This show used to give meaning to my otherwise hungover Sunday's. Instead the show left me more hungover and in a mood to drink again. Fuck entourage.

mitt bromney said...

entourage was a show about bros making things work out. that's all the ending was. it was great. if you are pissed off because everything worked out in the end, then you have obviously missed the whole point of the show

Anonymous said...

There are days when I wonder why I follow this site, and this post proves that only short sighted "bros" are the main fans.

NYB do you watch Entourage for the T and A? For fat Turtle catching Vince's cast aways? Drama acting like a neanderthal and E acting as background noise? Maybe you'd prefer it if nothing changed and Ari remained selfish and divorced from the mother of his children who is the only woman he has ever loved - we have to admit that him and Dana Gordan were fling nothing more.

Then I guess you don't like character development and underlying themes.

Whilst it featured a lot of money, cars and scantily clad women Entourage was about the four guys and the brotherhood they shared - Ari was an afterthought and was never meant to be more than a cameo. And the show was there to show that through it all (whether they had money or not) they stuck together and had each others' backs. That was what the finale was about: seeing the fruition of that friendship and like always everything worked out for them.

The only shitty aspect of the final season was Alice Eve as the journo that stole Vince's heart which is more unlikely than if Mandy Moore came back wanting to marry Vince.

This show started strong, wobbled a little and ended strong.

The Man With Bro Name said...

The ending of Entourage was fucking retarded and gayer than six queers watching Sex and the City, but it didn't bother me.

Why? Because I'm a fucking bro. I loved Entourage for the jokes and the tits, but it's not something I ever got emotionally invested in. I don't even have emotions for slampieces - I sure as shit wouldn't develop them for a goddamned television show.

I knew from the first episode that HBO would end the series with some gay-ass happy ending where they all end up married or whatever, so I kept my expectations low and I was never disappointed. When the final credits rolled, my Bros and I simply said "well, that was gay", cracked open a handle of Jim Beam, and started playing games of Madden 2012 for shots.

You did nail one thing though, NYB. I fucking CANNOT understand why some people think Sasha Grey is a dime. Even by real world standards, she's a 6 at best. Compared to other pornstars she's a 4. Her face is OK but she has a flat ass and no tits. She's barely even jerkable. A real-life Vince would be pulling porn whores a thousand times hotter than her.

Anonymous said...

First time I've disagreed with your posts. This is way off.

The last season was obviously the worst because they had run out of good plot twists, we'd seen the personalities and comments of the characters a million times, and they didn't have nearly enough time to wrap the show up.

That being said, the reasons why you didn't like it are pretty ridiculous. You might be a beauty in day to day life, and after reading your posts you better fucking believe I know you are, but clearly you have no concept of character or plot development.

Living with Balls said...

I completely agree. The last two seasons, Entourage got away from what made the show great: partying, dirty jokes and tits.

How many sets of tits did we see this season? I can't recall any. There should be a minimum of one pair per episode.

The show also stopped being funny. It became more of a drama instead of a comedy these past two seasons.

The Sloan/ E storyline was awful. We never truly understand why they broke up in the first place and now because E knocked her up, all of a sudden they love each other again? The Vince storyline was completely absurd for the reasons you outlined.

The one spot where I disagree with you is the Ari storyline. I found it to be the only compelling reason to watch the show this season. Jeremy Piven is clearly the best actor on that show and he kept me watching even though the show became a shell of its former self..

La Flama Blanca said...

Anon above who went in to character development....... Are you fuckin kidding? There is no place for technical shit in brociety. Take your English degree to Dominos and attain your manager position. You are fucking killing me right now.

I, BRObot said...

I stopped watching it this season after 4 episodes. Compared to other HBO shows and compared to what it used to be, it's like it's written by Disney. It became a goddamn cartoon and PG version how society views brociety.

I hate to sound like a fuckin hipster but I think it's because the show got so popular that they didn't want to be as rude, crude, and fucking sweet (basically they were afraid brocism would lose some of the newly expanded fanbase; typical).

Johnny Tempest said...

Yeah i agree with you bros, but to be honest now that its over, why the fuck do we care about some show that fucked up half-way through its run, lets go back to what were known for, if you aint a bro you dont know shit about what WE are about!

PS- I`m Canadian, But i was bro-born in maine.

Anonymous said...

Strega Nona reference? Fucking gold.

Anonymous said...

no this time u show that u are in fact human.. nyb ur wrong on this one bro, the ending was exactly what had to happen, just accept it for what it was

Matt Fitzgerald said...

"Couldn’t they have done a little better than that 6 with a bush the size of Yosemite Sam’s mustache"

I seriously think NYB should get a Pulitzer in Journalism

Anonymous said...

You're an idiot. Finale was fucking dope.

tiemachine said...

NYB, you clearly missed the mark. By all means, post a comment with your version of how the ending should have been.

And with the cliff hanger ending weighing Ari's decision to pursue either love or unlimited wealth... excellent material for the movie.

Good day.

moldy said...

NYB the finale was gold. at first I was skeptical but then i watched it like 3 more times and i realized that yeah this is what the show was meant for. these bros make shit happen and they all ended how they should, on top of the fucking world. wait for that movie to come out and i know you'll be satisfied. i respect your opinion but damn yo you missed the point

brojamin franklin said...

thank you NYB, i've been saying this since the end of season3. anyone claiming the show ended how it should have or that it was half decent isn't a bro at all. we don't watch shows like entourage for the "points". you are probably the same people who knew who the characters in the show how i met your mother were. get off this site, imposters

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