Bros don’t fucking pay attention to rules. I can honestly say that had I paid attention to rules and societal norms, I wouldn’t be the bro I am today. We’re told our entire life by parents, the media, school, books, fucking everything that some day when we grow up we’ll find the “girl of our dreams” and get married, buy a house, have kids, then spend the next 25 years of our life working some shitty job we fucking hate, just to make sure our kids can have some “Dora the Explorer” back pack. Fuck that. The truth of the matter is that someday, bros will probably marry a woman, but in the words of that Black guy in GLADIATOR, “Not Yet.”
Do people actually realize what marriage really means? I honestly think girls have been brainwashed into the idea through their entire childhood with a fucking #64 wedding dangled in front of their face like a rabbit at the dog track. Their idea of “marriage” is 90% related to what kind of flowers are going to be at their ceremony or what type of chairs they’re going to have at the reception or how fucking expensive their cake is gonna be. Girls want to get married so bad that they don’t even sit back to think that marriages last, you know, for FUCKING EVER. Last time I checked, that’s a long time. Sure you’ve been dating some guy for two years in College, but what the fuck do you really know about each other? That your #59 Sorority did #84 Homecoming with your fiance’s Fraternity Junior year and it was awesome!?!?! 95% of people graduating College have no fucking clue what they want to do, and the other 5% think they know, but learn within 2 years that they were way off. How the fuck can you commit to someone for fucking ever right out of College?
Now who are these guys who actually submit to getting married young? Oh you know, they “just know that she’s the one” aka they realize they don’t have a shot in hell of getting fucking laid in the wild so they gotta lock that shit down if they ever want to bang someone without using the opening line, “Hi, ah, yes, I’m responding to your ad on Craig’s List.” And for all you married “bros” out there, don’t fucking tell me, “OH FUCK YOU MAN, I’M A BRO BECAUSE I CHEAT ON MY WIFE ALL THE TIME.” If you were a bro, you wouldn’t have ever gotten married in the first place. Also, have fun with that divorce and paying your ex-wife half your fucking salary for the next 30 years.
Bros on the other hand don’t need to be tethered to one vagina. Bros bang more girls in one weekend than married guys will for the rest of their lives. Fucking married bro-haters always try to pull out the “You’re going to be a lonely old man” argument when I’m out slaying Rajon Randos, but come on, when has a bro ever been lonely? Try fucking never. Fact: Slam Pieces can’t resist a bro no matter how fucking old he is. And besides, I’d rather be lonely watching Football all day than spending Fall Sundays on hayrides in a fucking Pumpkin Patch.
Society looks down their noses at single people and bros in particular. While this is definitely warranted for girls over 30, since they’re obviously ugly and going to die alone, bros don’t deserve that shit. Getting wasted and banging strange is not only our national pastime, it’s our fucking livelihood. By submitting to the made up institution of marriage we’re denying ourselves a right to live. Together, we can support our Bro-Life cause by refusing to get married young. Sure, someday, we may get married. Perhaps because we want to have sons to pass our bro wisdom on to or maybe we legitimately meet a dime piece that can’t be topped. But that’s way fucking down the road because as everyone knows: our wives haven’t been born yet.
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