Thursday, October 27, 2011

Mailbag: Bro Halloween Costumes and My Biggest Bro Moment

Time for another edition of the NYB mailbag - these are real questions from readers. If you've got a question you want me to answer send me an email at or hit me up on twitter at Make sure to include how you want your name to appear on the site/where you're from or whatever. Anyways, here's some shit that needed some fucking answering:

What are some good Halloween Costumes for bros?


Outside of the beginning of Summer, #86 Halloween might be my favorite time of the year. Girls dress up as slutty as possible because it’s the one day a year they can get away with wearing lingerie and a tool belt and saying they’re a “Sexy Home Depot Worker” or some shit, so we have to take advantage. But what the fuck are we supposed to wear?

I mean, yeah sure you can be lazy and be a fucking Hobo or Baseball player, but I don’t care who you are, you’ll be reloading your own Super Soaker at night’s end if you decide to do this shit. And generally speaking masks are a bad idea. As slutty as the girl might be, unless her fantasy is to re-enact an episode of Law and Order: SVU, I guarantee she’s not gonna wanna bang some guy wearing a fucking “V for Vendetta” mask.

In order to get the premium slam piece’s attention, you gotta stick out. This shit doesn’t mean you have to spend like $300 on some designer outfit, you just gotta be edgy and/or clever. Girls love TV shows and movies (they call them their “stories”) so if you can pull off a character from Parks and Recreation or Kenny Powers, fucking go for that shit, but for the love of God, don’t go as “The Situation” or Pauly D. You’re not being ironic, you’re being a fucking #100 Guido.

The first thing I do every year when deciding what to wear is look at who’s died tragically in the past year. This year we’re bound to see plenty of bros dressed as Steve Jobs, Macho Man Randy Savage (with pole through stomach for added comedic effect), and, just in time for this weekend, Dan Wheldon. Sure some girls might find this shit to be “offensive” but fuck them, they’re not the type of girls you care about anyway. Any girl who yells, “THAT’S SO BAD!” while laughing hysterically might as well be saying, “Even though you’re a stranger, you can definitely bang me doggy style!”

What would you say is the most bro thing you’ve done in your life?

Alex F.
Virginia Beach, VA

Now I know everyone’s expecting me to say, “Most Bro thing I’ve ever done?? BANG 10 SLAM PIECES IN ONE NIGHT!!” But sadly, outside of Arabian Sheik Pleasure Cruises that shit just doesn’t happen. Honestly, I’ve done a lot of bro things in my life. Drunkenly banging girls in their parents’ bedroom, then pissing on their floor in the middle of the night, getting hookers to strip to Kriss Kross "Jump, Jump" on a clock radio in a Vegas hotel room, and smashing ornaments in the kitchen at a Christmas party and screaming “MAZELTOV” then getting the guy who started cleaning up the broken glass kicked out of the party for being a fucking bitch immediately come to mind. But the thing that I’m most proud of doesn’t involve banging some hot slam piece or waking up in a ditch in the middle of nowhere. Instead it’s a trip, a trip paid for by the great taxpayers of Virginia.

Obviously bros are the smartest fucking people in the World, and since I’m clearly no exception, I was awarded a Monroe Scholarship to William and Mary, which supposedly is given to the top 7% of the incoming class (I left in the bottom 10%). This award comes with a bunch of privileges on campus, like being able to live in the Monroe dorm (no chance in hell I was living with all those fucking losers), but the big selling point is after your Junior year you get $2,000 to do a research project. Now most of the fucking losers did some pointless ass project like “Doctors Without Borders in Africa” or “Volunteering at a Chinese Orphanage,” but two of my bros and I decided we wanted this trip to be groundbreaking. Miraculously, our project got approved, so we pooled our money and set sail upon the trip of a lifetime: “Searching For Blackbeard’s Gold!”

Clearly the best place to search for 400-year-old buried treasure is a tourist trap like Paradise Island in the Bahamas so we dropped a shitload of cash on an all-inclusive place right next to the Atlantis. Our extensive research led us to deduce that the buried treasure was not at Senor Frogs, the Atlantis Casino, or shitty Bahamian Strip Clubs, but our trip was not all fun and games. The natives were fucking angry. They must have known we were out for their precious treasure because everywhere we went it seemed we had to either run from security or pay the fucking Cops money so they wouldn’t arrest us for petty shit like smashing up property, flinging beer bottles off balconies, or throwing all the deck furniture into the hotel pool. After all was said and done, even though our expedition proved treasure-less, we did manage to blow $6,000 in 6 days so we could get wasted, gamble, and nearly cause an International incident, and it was all on the Commonwealth of Virginia’s dime.

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BeersBoatsBroads said...

A lot of people may try to hate and say "wow that story had nothing to do with banging slam pieces so it's not bro." I disagree. Using the states money to fund almost a week of fun is bro as fuck.

Quality post as always!

The Man With Bro Name said...

Holy shit, NYB. I (and most readers of your site) have all done some pretty Bro shit in our lives, but getting your school to PAY for your drunken Carribean vacation under the bullshit guise of a research project is pretty goddamn Bro. Well played, sir.

AlexBrovechkin said...

Going out this year in my authentic Adam Banks #99 Mighty Ducks Jersey. Shit even has District-5 embroided in the duck. Best believe I'm going to start the quack chant at the bars.

Bro Patterno said...

Dead Steve Jobs. 'Nuff said.

I, BRObot said...

'Ween party's are the best place to clean up. I think it's a combo between Pavlovian reaction to being in their lingerie and the group slut mentality, but they don't come to 'ween parties to make facebook friends. They come to get raw dogged.

I've found the best men's costumes are also a bit manslutty themselves (while maintaining your fuckin dignity), aiming to reduce the amount of talking necessary.

If you can make it visible just with one look at you that you're the best lookin, smartest, wittiest, or any combo thereof (but com'on, you're all of them cuz you're a bro) at a ween party, it's like shootin fish in a barrel with a shotgun

Anonymous said...

Such a BRO move...

Anonymous said...

I agree with BRObot. I was Heffner for Halloween and obviously I'm in shape and tan so you better believe slampieces flocked to me at every party I went. Never hooked up with so many slampieces in my life this past weekend. I'm thinking about just wearing an expensive bathrobe to every party now.

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