Thursday, March 22, 2012

#198 Yoga Pants

Girls will do fucking anything to get banged by Bros. Just fucking admit it - every action they take is done so that they can get to Pound Town as quickly and often as possible. To all you doubters out there, what the fuck do girls ever do that’s with the intention of anything different? Work hard in school and make their way to the top of the Corporate Ladder, you say? Yeah right, that’s just so they can make Bros bang them to get ahead in the company (e.g. Condoleezza Rice and Barack Obama (probably)). If girls had their way they’d lie around all fucking day eating tub after tub of Chunky Monkey while they watched some shitty show about how fucking awesome Oprah is or some shit. But come on, girls realize they could never get stuffed (by White guys at least) if they looked like King Hippo’s fucking twin sister, so they actually put some effort into their appearance.

Even though they’re probably the most uncomfortable and non-sensical shoe, girls spend half their lives in high heels just to make their legs look good. And look at fucking #170 thongs – girls sacrifice having constant wedgies just so their asses look on point. And just so they can attempt to look like #95 Models aka what every woman should strive to be, they constantly work out. Now, girls’ workout clothes have evolved over the years, but thanks to science, we’re at the peak of innovation. Much like everyone’s Irish on #156 St. Patrick’s Day, every girl’s ass looks fucking incredible in Yoga Pants.

When the fuck did Yoga get so fucking popular anyways? I feel like it was just a couple years ago that it was just for crazy old ladies who probably held fucking wedding ceremonies for their cats. Somehow Yoga became as trendy as eating disorders among girls because now every girl in the World blows their entire fucking paycheck on some new Lululemon outfit.

NOW, COME ON NYB, IT’S NOT JUST FOR GIRLS - YOU CAN MEET SOME QUALITY TAIL AT YOGA!! Shut the fuck up. If you have to resort to sitting in the Downward Facing Dog in order to get laid, you are not a Bro. You’re barely even a man. Sure there’s a lot of fucking hot bitches that go to Yoga, but are you honestly going to tell me that they’re going to bang you just because you do Yoga, too? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH WORK THAT WOULD TAKE? First, you’d have to convince the girl that you are actually into banging Women. That might take like a fucking Month. Then, MAYBE, if she doesn’t still think of you as her Gay Yoga Friend, you MIGHT be able to lay some fucking pipe. But, yeah, have fun with that shit – I’ll be nailing the Slam Piece that just bought me drinks all night at the bar. Bros don’t do work, but that’s beside the fucking point – just because bros hate Yoga, it doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy its’ spoils.

Yoga pants are the Wonderbra for the ass. While the original 80’s spandex was good at compressing girls’ legs completely so they basically don’t have any circulation, Yoga Pants shape that shit into the entire perfect ass/leg combo package. It’s seriously some fucking David Blaine shit. Honestly, how far are we away from it being socially acceptable for girls to go out to bars in Yoga Pants? I fucking guarantee they want to do that shit and Bros would fucking love it, too, so it’s obvious the only thing stopping that shit is the Bro-Hater society.

There’s always a catch, though. There’s a reason the Wonderbra is considered the Anne Sullivan of lingerie. There’s nothing worse than un-strapping that shit expecting to see a perfect rack of titters only to find a set of pancakes that even fucking Paul Bunyan wouldn’t touch. The same holds true for Yoga Pants, but it’s even worse. Yeah that ass looks fucking perfect now, but what the fuck is it hiding? Stretch marks? Cellulite?? Thunder Thighs??? Gross. The possibilities are fucking terrifying. Regardless, much like judging any Girl based on her appearance, the true beauty is on the outside.

While a True Bro wouldn’t be fucking caught dead “having a sweat” during a 6am Hot Yoga session, we’re an optimistic bunch. We realize Yoga serves as a higher calling for the Slam Piece participants. Every stretch they take brings them one stop closer to their final destination. The Pound Town Express may have an exclusive dress code, but one thing’s for certain – Yoga Pants are encouraged.

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15 comments:

brononymous said...

They're called mumble pants bro. You can see the lips moving, but can't hear what they're saying.

MoreBroThanYou said...

No photos? Disappointing.

Anonymous said...

More bro why the fuck do you need pics when you can just walk outside you fuckin scumbag they're everywhere.

The Man With Bro Name said...

Hipster pussies think that yoga classes are great places to meet women. False. While women love doing yoga, they fucking hate all of the hippie beta guys who also do it. Yoga is for slams - lifting is for Bros. Slams know this and respect a guy who can do sick bicep curls, not that weak stretching shit. It's hilarious to watch these skinny pussies try to hit on the girls in their yoga class only to be shot down in favor of Bros.

The gym at my school has the best setup ever: the yoga studio is right next to the freeweight area, and it's in a room with floor-to-ceiling windows so you can scout the hottest slams while getting your lift on. Plus they can see you as well and you better believe those slams get wetter than Niagara Falls looking at all the ripped-as-shit Bros.

I'll usually time my workout so that it ends right when the yoga class is getting out, walk up to the hottest slam in the class and invite her to a party at the Bro pad later. 9 times out of 10 my workout ends with me walking out of the gym with a dime slam - one arm around her, the other giving the power point to the skinny bro-hating hipster pussy who was hitting on her in the studio for an hour but couldn't even get her number. I'll be balls deep in her snatch before he even gets back to his shitty dorm to jerk off to her facebook profile. Loser.

Bro Life.

Anonymous said...

ive been a fan of 'yoga pants' on facebook since like 08

Cal Clutterbro said...

grinding a broad in yoga pants is sick

Anonymous said...

NYB there is a way that doing yoga can be bro.
Check out this pic if you don't believe me.

http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/6743358/yoga-bro

IdaBro said...

"yoga pants are the wonder bra for the ass" ha one of the greatest quotes i have heard. But dont forget about the volley ball shorts they emphasize the booty and reveal the legs so its possible to see if they got that nasty ass cellulite

Anonymous said...

NYB you hit it spot on once again,

That really is the only reason girls wear Yoga pants is so Bros will want to bang them even more. One of my x girls I would hookup with regularly wore yoga pants the first time we met up at her place and banged. She told me the next time I saw her that she wore those pants on purpose. I love how slampeices spend so much thought process on every little thing they do and they don't think we know their doing that. Bros don't spend time planning shit but we get what we want and were smart as shit so you better believe we know every game a girl tries to play.

MFJ,B said...

IdaBro,
I completely agree that volleyball shorts are one of God's five greatest gifts to mankind along with the aforementioned yoga pants, liquor, fake tits and adderall. However, I would rate yoga pants ahead of volleyball shorts because they're more "socially acceptable" to the fat bitchy cunts in the world, so they're seen more often out in nature. In high school, I always used to volunteer to be the JV volleyball's line judge just so I could stare at some asses and make up the call.
Hopefully, with NYB's post, we can bring more awareness to all the atrocious things Feminist Nazis do to try and bring us down.
I know one thing: they won't succeed.

Brohio said...

Athens, Ohio... Home of the nation's #1 Party School and 20 bars where it is socially acceptable (encouraged) for girls to go to the bars in Yoga pants.

Dream of a world run by bros, visit Ohio University if you want to experience it.

Anonymous said...

I think you're on steroids. You have some found hate for the other guys. You're either an undercover homo acting macho or just a dumb fuck.

Matt Fitzgerald said...

Yoga sucks - however, the chicks are always hot and you get to stare into some girls ass for a half hour straight and its still not creepy because your probably one of two or three guys there, and the only one who isn't queer

MRSAboy said...

I tried yoga once... not a fan of it but watching my girl do yoga... big fan of it. :)

Anonymous said...

LOL you should be a comedian. But for the record, Lululemon is awesome.

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