Bro Kings aren’t manufactured - they’re fucking born. I remember the first time I heard of him. Bill Simmons was going aspeshit on twitter during a preseason game where he blew up for something like 4 touchdowns or some shit his rookie season. To be honest, I didn’t think all that much of it. I mean, it was just preseason, even fucking Mark Sanchez puts up big number in those game. But this wasn’t just some flash in the pan preseason hero like Colt Brennan. This was the coronation of a fucking Bro King. Since that point, his on field performance could only be described as Bo Jackson in Techmo Super Bowl on fucking steroids, but that’s not what makes him a Bro Icon. These days, it’s hard to open up Deadspin or ESPN without seeing a picture him getting wasted or “priming the motor” on some fucking Slam Piece. He’s our Ambassador to the rest of the World and he’s spreading the good news each and every day. He’s Rob Gronkowski – and he’s the fucking man.
He may be a Bro King, but heavy is the head that wears the crown. Over the past year, I can’t think of an individual who’s dealt with more blatant Brocism than Rob Gronkowski. The first of such hate crimes occurred back in October, when Gronk was photographed with Bibi Jones, a Porn Star, who was donning his #87 Patriots threads. The public was fucking outraged, and I have no idea why. Sure, he’s hanging out with a Porn Star, but what’s the big shock there? If you honestly think all these Pro athletes are spending their off days getting plenty of sleep and constantly studying the playbook, then you might as well get back to licking the window on the short bus, because you’re a fucking retard. Here’s a newsflash: athletes fucking bang #146 Strippers and Porn Stars all the fucking time. The only difference is, all those pieces of shit care about what the Public thinks, so they won’t own up to that shit.
Gronk’s the real fucking Honey Badger. Just look at this past week – photos started popping up all over the internet of Gronkowski bonging #130 beers, hanging out with #101 younger chicks (maybe a little too young, but I’m not a fucking jury), and basically enjoying #108 Spring Break just like any typical 22 year old Bro. And what does he get? Fucking Society’s judgment claiming he’s not acting responsibly or should be rehabbing and shit. Fuck that noise. Gronk is living the dream.
Rob Gronkowski is a fucking Bro first, then an NFL Superstar. Imagine you’re Rob Gronkowski. How do you think you would act? Would you say all the right things to the media? Would you try to be a model citizen and live by the NFL’s bullshit moral code? Or would you get fucking wasted and bang the hottest pieces of ass the country has to offer. I think we all know the answer to that. And the night after a crushing Super Bowl loss, where you overcame an injury that would probably knock half the league out for the fucking season, would you just mope around crying? Fuck no. It’s the biggest party of the year and you just spent the past week trapped in a Hotel room being prodded by fucking reporters trying to analyze your every fucking movement like you’re fucking Barbaro everytime you left the room. You have the right, no fuck that, the obligation to get fucking wasted with your Bros. BUT NYB, IF HE COULD DANCE TO LMFAO, WHY COULDN’T HE HAVE PLAYED BETTER!!! Shut the fuck up, nobody fucking knows what it’s like to play an NFL game, much less the Super Bowl. Also, he was wasted – everyone knows alcohol fucking cures everything.
Life in the NFL is short and cruel. While most players just sit there quietly adhering to whatever fucking Darth Goodell decides their fate to be, one player said, “Fuck that.” One player decided, no one, not the NFL, not fucking society can tell him who the fuck he is. Over the past few seasons, his pursuit of an abolition of Brocism has been inspiring. Rob Gronkowski has undoubtedly proven that wounds heal, scars fade, but Bro Kings fucking last forever. Somos Todos Fiesta.
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