Thursday, March 15, 2012

#197 Playing Golf

Bros have no equal. We’re the best there is and that’s a fact. However, for some reason growing up, teachers, parents, and all those bullshit PBS shows always tried to tell us we’re the same as everyone else. I mean, honestly, give me a fucking break. If those poor kids that got into my private #111 High School on some bullshit need based scholarship were actually as good as I am, wouldn’t you think their parents could actually make enough money to, you know, AFFORD to send them to private school? Thank God there are still ways that we as Bros can prove that we’re superior to everyone else. While, due to Brocism, most competitions are now on an even playing field so that Bros no longer dominate, there are still a few games out there that belong to us. While #171 Lacrosse may indeed be the true Bro pastime, everyone knows Bros fucking love playing Golf.

Bros have been playing Golf since the first day they could walk. You know who doesn’t play Golf? That’s right, fucking poor people. And it’s not because they don’t like it, it’s because they can’t afford it. Golf, like being a Bro, is for the fucking social elite. I mean, honestly, how many people do you know that weren’t members of Country Clubs growing up? Don’t even try to say that playing some municipal course is the same thing. Saying you grew up playing Golf on a public course is the equivalent to saying you’re banging a model, only to have her turn out to be some plus sized bitch from “Round and Mounds” magazine.

Sure, we know how to play Golf well, in fact, we could probably beat the shit out of any #143 female pro golfer out there, but we don’t fucking feel like it. Instead, when Bros play Golf, we don’t take that shit seriously. We hit the course like we’re 4 year olds at a motherfucking Chuck E. Cheese birthday party. Sure Golfing is supposed to be some fucking boring Old Man’s game, but for bros, it’s really just an excuse to get fucking wasted and cause destruction.

Bros don’t just have a beer at the turn (that means after the first 9 holes for all you fucking losers out there) – Bros fucking #142 black out by the 4th hole. After getting blacked out, we immediately lose interest in the game once we remember how much fucking fun it is to use Golf Carts as weapons. Playing Demolition Derby with golf carts until the Ranger threatens to call the #195 Police is about as Bro as it fucking gets. BUT NYB!!! WON’T YOU GET CHARGED FOR THE DAMAGE!?!?! Shut the fuck up bitch, everyone knows the foreigners working at the Cart Barn get blamed and charged for all that shit. That’s why they get paid less than Americans.

Perhaps the greatest invention in the history of Golf is the Drink Cart Slut. I don’t know who the man was that decided the hottest girl on staff would ride around the course serving guys alcohol, but one thing’s for sure, he was a fucking Bro King. While all the fucking old men throw cash at the Cart Slut just so she’ll flirt with them for a couple minutes, the only tip a Bro needs to give her is at the end of our fucking dicks. You see, it’s just not fucking fair. Once that oversized cart packed with booze sees a foursome of Bros it screeches to a halt. It’s arrived at its final destination: Pound Town.

As the Winter turns to Spring, the warm weather will inspire Bros across the country to hit their local Country Club for a round. But when you’re out there this season, don’t let some fucking Ranger making $7.50/hour tell you to fucking “observe course etiquette.” You’re a Bro playing Golf – if you can’t get as fucked up as humanly possible and destroy a shitload of property then the terrorists will win.

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Henrik Broqvist said...

"everyone knows the foreigners working at the Cart Barn get blamed and charged for all that shit."

If they didn't want to get blamed for everything they should've learned english

Anonymous said...

Damn good post NYB. All bros know that golfing is the shit, in fact enjoying the great outdoors with your bros, getting fucked up, and hitting on hot sluts (who are obviously asking for it) is one of the most bro things you can do.

Anonymous said...

Wait, there are people who fucking golf at those shitty ass public courses? fucking foreigners and poor people.

Anonymous said...

I suddenly realized that our former President, George W. Bush, is a fucking Bro. Not only that, he is a Bro turned Pro.

Bro Years: Attended prep school at Kinkaid and Andover, went to Yale as a legacy student, was in a frat, drank whenever the opportunity presented itself, played baseball, had a powerful father (George H.W. Bush) and elite family, and has golfed since middle school

Pro Years: Chilled and went from random job to random job for a good number of years, decided to go into politics and beasted it, owned the Rangers, became President.

Whether you agree with his politics or not, you cannot deny.. W is a fucking bro.

Anonymous said...

NYB- everyone knows at the good cc's there are no rangers or cart sluts... the hottie works at the half-way house. i feel as though in this case you have played at too many muni courses... or just random corporate events. a bit disappointing to read this since golf is greatest game for the upper class.

Anonymous said...

Great post. Just one thing. This is a post about golf, and there is no mention of who may be the biggest bro to ever walk this planet...Tiger Woods. The dude spent most of his adult life playing golf and banging sluts. What more could you ask for?

Matt Fitzgerald said...

Terrific post. Golf is the only legitimate sport you can play while getting wasted and actually play well/better. Further, everyone knows country clubs have the best food and drinks. Ruben samwiches and patron margaritas anyone? Obviously no one gets ID'd

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