This fucking bitch didn’t know what she was getting herself into. It was clear the moment she saddled up next to you at the bar that she was houndin’ for a poundin’ but for some reason she wanted to make you “earn it.”
“If you want to go home with me, you have to beat me in a drinking contest,” she slurred out of the side of her mouth. You tried to warn her, but then she pulled out the trump card: “Come on you fucking pussy.”
You shook your head and replied, “Whatever, it’s your funeral.”
After starting off the festivities throwing back multiple Car Bombs, she was still fucking talking shit, even though her eyeballs are clearly glossed over and the “shit talk” was more just a fucking constant rambling about the plotline of “The Vow.”
More shots. While you had just started buzzing, your opponent was drooling like Adele at Hardee’s.
“You ready to throw in the towel?” you offered.
“Fehkin, brighng that shiiiit on!!” It’s cute when girls try to act tough. She was a fucking lost cause, but just to put a bow on the competitions, you decided to bring in the fucking Sandman. You gave the #147 Bartender a nod and tapped your right arm. He fucking knew what that meant - it was time for the closer: Rumpleminz.
Ahh, fucking minty – just like back in the good old grade school days when you’d pound caps of Scope. Just as you were ready to order another round, you glanced at your opponent and discovered she was passed out on the bar. There’s truly no place for a Slam Piece in a Game of Brones. In all honesty, who the fuck did she think she was dealing with? You’re a Bro and you better fucking believe you’ve got a high tolerance.
Contrary to popular belief, we’re not born with our fucking stellar tolerances. Do you think Indian Chiefs were able to suck down that fucking Peace Pipe without hacking up a lung the first time they puffed that shit? Fuck no. Just like Bros with drinking, they train their body for greatness. Having a high tolerance is like having a shitload of scalps. Sure it might have been tough to collect them all – there might have been some #48 puking, some #36 peeing on your roommate’s laundry, and worst of all, you might have even banged some fatties, but the point is, you’ve fucking earned your high tolerance, and nothing, except Bro-Hater liver disease, can take that shit away from you.
High tolerances are good ways to separate the Bros from the fucking Brosers. Sure the Brosers can dress the way we do, and even fucking copy everything we say, but if they can’t drink for shit, they’re gonna stick out like George Zimmerman at The Apollo. Everyone always talks about how fucking good it is to have a low tolerance so you can “save money.” Bros are rich as shit so we don’t give a fuck about saving money. Bros aren’t fucking pissed when they wake up to find they dropped $300 at the bar. We proudly announce that shit to the World like we’re fucking Harry Carey.
Let’s be honest, the number one reason Bros have a high tolerance is the same reason Bros do pretty much everything else in their lives: to get fucking laid. Drinking enough alcohol to get Josh Hamilton buzzed then making fun of everyone else by calling them a lightweight is a fucking panty-melter. Anytime I’m trying to bring some fucking Slam Piece back to my #32 pad, I’ll order the highest content alcohol shot at the bar right in front of her. If she gives me a weird look or shit, I just explain that “I have to, it’s the only way I can get a buzz these days.” That way she knows how fucking awesome that I am and that I fucking love to party. Literally 9 times out of 10 she’s #145 blowing me like 10 minutes later behind the alley-dumpster.
Bros are fucking competitive as shit. We want to bang the hottest girl at school, to have the richest parents, and we want to be the guy who gets wasted more than any other motherfucker out there. For most of our competitive events, we have a way to judge who wins and who’s the fucking loser. Since Bros are by far the smartest people on the fucking planet, we’ve been able to generate a way to measure the unmeasurable. By having a high tolerance, not only do Bros get Slam Pieces wet as shit, but they prove to their fellow Bros just how fucking awesome they are. Stay thirsty, my Bros.
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