Thursday, April 12, 2012

#200 Having a High Tolerance

This fucking bitch didn’t know what she was getting herself into. It was clear the moment she saddled up next to you at the bar that she was houndin’ for a poundin’ but for some reason she wanted to make you “earn it.”

“If you want to go home with me, you have to beat me in a drinking contest,” she slurred out of the side of her mouth. You tried to warn her, but then she pulled out the trump card: “Come on you fucking pussy.”

You shook your head and replied, “Whatever, it’s your funeral.”

After starting off the festivities throwing back multiple Car Bombs, she was still fucking talking shit, even though her eyeballs are clearly glossed over and the “shit talk” was more just a fucking constant rambling about the plotline of “The Vow.”

More shots. While you had just started buzzing, your opponent was drooling like Adele at Hardee’s.

“You ready to throw in the towel?” you offered.

“Fehkin, brighng that shiiiit on!!” It’s cute when girls try to act tough. She was a fucking lost cause, but just to put a bow on the competitions, you decided to bring in the fucking Sandman. You gave the #147 Bartender a nod and tapped your right arm. He fucking knew what that meant - it was time for the closer: Rumpleminz.

Ahh, fucking minty – just like back in the good old grade school days when you’d pound caps of Scope. Just as you were ready to order another round, you glanced at your opponent and discovered she was passed out on the bar. There’s truly no place for a Slam Piece in a Game of Brones. In all honesty, who the fuck did she think she was dealing with? You’re a Bro and you better fucking believe you’ve got a high tolerance.

Contrary to popular belief, we’re not born with our fucking stellar tolerances. Do you think Indian Chiefs were able to suck down that fucking Peace Pipe without hacking up a lung the first time they puffed that shit? Fuck no. Just like Bros with drinking, they train their body for greatness. Having a high tolerance is like having a shitload of scalps. Sure it might have been tough to collect them all – there might have been some #48 puking, some #36 peeing on your roommate’s laundry, and worst of all, you might have even banged some fatties, but the point is, you’ve fucking earned your high tolerance, and nothing, except Bro-Hater liver disease, can take that shit away from you.

High tolerances are good ways to separate the Bros from the fucking Brosers. Sure the Brosers can dress the way we do, and even fucking copy everything we say, but if they can’t drink for shit, they’re gonna stick out like George Zimmerman at The Apollo. Everyone always talks about how fucking good it is to have a low tolerance so you can “save money.” Bros are rich as shit so we don’t give a fuck about saving money. Bros aren’t fucking pissed when they wake up to find they dropped $300 at the bar. We proudly announce that shit to the World like we’re fucking Harry Carey.

Let’s be honest, the number one reason Bros have a high tolerance is the same reason Bros do pretty much everything else in their lives: to get fucking laid. Drinking enough alcohol to get Josh Hamilton buzzed then making fun of everyone else by calling them a lightweight is a fucking panty-melter. Anytime I’m trying to bring some fucking Slam Piece back to my #32 pad, I’ll order the highest content alcohol shot at the bar right in front of her. If she gives me a weird look or shit, I just explain that “I have to, it’s the only way I can get a buzz these days.” That way she knows how fucking awesome that I am and that I fucking love to party. Literally 9 times out of 10 she’s #145 blowing me like 10 minutes later behind the alley-dumpster.

Bros are fucking competitive as shit. We want to bang the hottest girl at school, to have the richest parents, and we want to be the guy who gets wasted more than any other motherfucker out there. For most of our competitive events, we have a way to judge who wins and who’s the fucking loser. Since Bros are by far the smartest people on the fucking planet, we’ve been able to generate a way to measure the unmeasurable. By having a high tolerance, not only do Bros get Slam Pieces wet as shit, but they prove to their fellow Bros just how fucking awesome they are. Stay thirsty, my Bros.

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Rupher Pumpkin said...

Went to the hospital and had a BAC of 4.75 High Tolerance For Sure

Anonymous said...

Hate to break it to you Rupher, but you're a fuckin retard. That's not humanly possible. .475 would be impressive, but 4.75 means you had 4x as much alcohol as blood in your body. Broser. Great post NYB. There's nothing like being the best at drinking.

Ryan said...

No you didn't.

Tom Izzbro said...

As a senior at Michigan State, I happen to enjoy drinking. Me and my bro typically go out every Tuesday, starting at bdubs and then visiting whatever bars will tolerate us as we proceed to black out. One recent Tuesday, After warming up with 5 or 6 talls at bdubs, we proceeded to black out at PT's, our broest bar. We then bought two fifths, smashed them, and then headed out to another bar for some #29 Grinding. To my dismay, I only made it to the woodchips outside Cedar Village our world famous riot orgy apartment complex, where I decided to take a nap. I had an ambulance sent to me, water IV given on the spot and was then shipped to the brocist hospital. When I came to my senses, the douchebag murse refused to let me leave because of my "apalling BAC". I proceeded to try to fight him so they put restraints on my arms. I then tried to rip the restraints off/kick him in the nuts somehow. At this point the bitch decided to mock me and sedate me to get me to stop threatening his life.
My bro who fell asleep at a nearby tree honed his #23 Drinking and Driving skills to come pick me up the next morning.
My dad called me later that night and told me it was all good as long as I dont go to jail.
As an economics major, I like to argue that the hospital bill contributes to Consumer Spending, the largest component of GDP, therefore improving the economy, which is bro as shit.
Bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

Lets leave the stories to NYB

Slo-mo-Bro-Pro said...

This reminds me of some great shit me and my bros did last weekend in NYC, we were hitting up this bar when some fucking slam piece walks up to us, and we're like what the fuck do you want? The bitch was just begging for some bro dick, but like NYB said, dumb sluts want to pretend like they can compare themselves to bros. We were rolling like 10 fucking deep and we all did two shots for every one that bitch did and she still ended up vomiting and bitching out on us before midnight. We were still just getting our fucking buzz on and we ran that bar all fucking night. Bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

what he means by 4.75 is 4.75% not 4.75 times his blood in alcohol. 4.75% however is still impossible. .08% is legally drunk and 4.75% is like 60 times that. he would have to crush about 120 beers to achieve that level.

Anonymous said...

Back when I was a senior in #111 High School me and my #3 slut date went to the #84 homecoming dance after taking #177 shots and coming close to #142 blacking out I was on the dance floor #29 grinding and listening to some crapy music the DJ they picked played. Anyway, as I was leaving to go to the bathroom the school administrator came up and grabbed me and took me to the office, apparently some Bro-Hater ratted on me. Anyway, when I was taken to the office a cop breathalized me and I blew a .21 and he was shocked that I was still talking normal and I knew what was going on. (#200 Having A High Tolerance). Nothing to interesting about that story except that happened 5 years ago and people still remember it because it was fucking awesome. I can't wait for my high school reunion now.

Anonymous said...

God what ever gaggle said he had a 4.75 bac is a fucking idiot and so is the dumbshit who tried to back him up. 1.00 means 100% so 4.75 would be over 400% which is not possible you shithead.

Anonymous said...

So i went to this epic bender sunday night party a few years back and drove my brand new audi. Cops pulled me over because I guess there weren't any black people running around that needed to be beaten with clubs to distract law enforecement. Turns out, I beat the charge because even when I'm hammered as shit I'm serious like Anderson Cooper investigating a penguin murder, but I ended up getting convicted on some bullshit "attempt to use cocaine charge," because when I was at precint getting shaken down (I'm wearing a tux this whole time) I found a little baggie in one of those small wierd pockets in tuxes that I guess they hadnt checked. Obvs had to take a little key bump to stay awake in boring ass jail, but when I tossed the kicked baggie of hank in a trash can some bro hater janitor found that shit and reported me. Fortunately they gave me back my marlBRO lights on my way out of the slammer so I could grab a cool trip to flavor country before getting my lawyers on getting me the fuck out of trouble.

With a lesser tolerance, I would have just passed out somewhere and not had a sick story about blowing lines in jail.

Gary Broleman said...

Both the guy who claimed to have a 4.75 BAC and the guy who said that would mean you'd have more alcohol than blood are dumbass broser rookies. BAC is in percentage points, so 4.75 means 4.75% of your blood is alcohol. Look at this and it's pretty obvious to anyone who doesn't ride the short bus: . 4.75 and you're dead. Doesn't matter who you are.

So I'm guessing you meant .475. That's pretty impressive, but doing that on the reg is dumb. I'll admit I went to the hospital once for drinking when I was 15, but I was never that lightweight or stupid again. Part of being a bro is getting to your sweet spot, usually about .30. At that point you're all set to rage and slay slam pieces (assuming you're bro enough not to fall victim to whiskey dick) without spending all night puking or in the hospital. But hey man, drink your bitch ass to .475, good for you. I'll be the guy taking that hot slam piece you were talking to earlier to Pound Town while you're getting your fucking stomach pumped.

Jimmy BROllins said...

RIP to a departed Bro King, Michael "Flathead" Blanchard. Never heard of him either but his obituary (apparently self-written) has been making the rounds today:

Michael "Flathead" Blanchard
| Visit Guest Book

Blanchard, Michael "Flathead"
1944 ~ 2012
A Celebration of the life of Michael "Flathead" Blanchard will be held on April 14th, 3 pm 8160 Rosemary St, Commerce City. Weary of reading obituaries noting someone's courageous battle with death, Mike wanted it known that he died as a result of being stubborn, refusing to follow doctors' orders and raising hell for more than six decades. He enjoyed booze, guns, cars and younger women until the day he died.
Mike was born July 1944 in Colorado to Clyde and Ethel Blanchard. A community activist, he is noted for saving the Dr. Justina Ford house from demolition and defending those who could not defend themselves. He was a Republican delegate, life member of the NRA, founder and President of the Dead Cats MC. He loved music.
Mike was preceded in death by Clyde and Ethel Blanchard, survived by his beloved sons Mike and Chopper, former wife Jane Transue, brother Stephen Blanchard (Susan), Uncle Don and Aunt Cynthia Blanchard(his favorite); Uncle Dill and Aunt Dot, cousins and nephews, Baba Yaga can kiss his butt. So many of his childhood friends that weren't killed in Vietnam went on to become criminals, prostitutes and/or Democrats. He asks that you stop by and re-tell the stories he can no longer tell. As the Celebration will contain Adult material we respectfully ask that no children under 18 attend.

Anonymous said...

Love MSU, cedar village riots a few years back=amazing, tight slam pieces everywherr showing tits and jumping on any bro's cock that whipped it out. TONS of slam pieces at Michigan State, me and my bro were each fucking a slam piece at the same time in one of their dorm rooms that night we met them, he had to take a brake from his slam piece a nd piss so he climed down from the top bunk and high fived me while i was fucking this slam piece doggystyle on bunk below him. Therefore ever since that night i spent just about every weekend at MSU my freshman year of college. So that being said I can back that other Michigan State post up 100%. Fuck bitches get money

Anonymous said...

All of you motherfuckers are stupid at .40 you body has shut down and you are most likely in a coma. Even at .30 you are so drunk you can't comprehend anything that is happening and your body funtions are are beginning to shut down.

Anonymous said...

.43 is the highest I have ever been clocked at. I miss those days

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