Sarah Jones, the captain of the Ben-Gals cheerleading squad, was indicted last week on claims that she had sex with a 16-year-old high school football player four or five times and exchanged numerous text messages with the student, as first reported by the Cincinnati Enquirer.Alright, for those of us who are above the legal age of consent, let’s try to remember back to what it was like being a 16-year-old in #111 High School. What were we thinking about constantly? That’s right, fucking banging bitches. Personally, I went to an all-boys private school (Just like Papa Doc!), so it’s not like I could just get a #145 hummer from some girl in the bathroom while a couple people stood guard like they do all the time at public schools, or at least the ones in #73 The Wire. So, we had two options to pass our time during the day. One: just check out whatever porn the fucking Brocist nerd Network Controllers hadn’t blocked yet in the Computer Lab or Two: Undress the Female Teachers with our eyes.
Jones, who resigned from her job as an English teacher at Dixie Heights High in Kentucky in November, faces charges of first-degree sexual abuse and unlawful use of electronic means to induce a minor to engage in sexual or other prohibited acts.
Don’t get me wrong - we didn’t have hot teachers at our High School, but that didn’t fucking matter. We’d spend hours talking about what middle aged mediocre-at-best looking teacher was the hottest, and looking back on this shit now, I really have no fucking clue what I was thinking. The point is we were High School boys with fucking raging hormones. Much like Lamar Odom – we’d fucking bang anything.
Now, here’s a curveball that would make Stephen Fucking Strasburg jealous. Imagine that haggard old woman with thinning hair and possibly a fake hip is actually legitimately hot. Not unbelievable enough for you? How about she’s a fucking Professional #134 Cheerleader. Granted, it looks like her face got blasted with a fucking twin barrel shotgun loaded with Concealer and Mascara, but still, she’s a lot hotter than your average 50 year old mother of three with self dyed hair and a FUPA you could rest a fucking drink on. I mean, even today, it’d be a pelt of pride to bang a Redskinette, but in High School? Holy shit, I’d be a fucking God.
The “victim” in this case is clearly one of the greatest Bro Kings of our generation. I would love to just sit down and pick his brain about how he made this shit happened. Like did he start answering questions on his test with subtle sexual suggestions?? For example:
Q: What was the significance of the Mississippi River in “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn”It’s just genius, and honestly, what’s the worst that can happen? Get expelled? Yeah, I’m sure he’s REALLY scared about that. He goes to a school named Dixie Heights High – don’t really think he’s gonna need a High School diploma for his future career as a Professional Shit-Unclogger/Drunk Racist. This was clearly his only chance for eternal glory and he grabbed that shit by the fucking fake boobs.
A: Ever fuck in a racecar bed???
Unfortunately, not all people can congratulate deserving individuals for great accomplishments. Instead, they get jealous, and that’s what makes them Brocists. You see, the state of Kentucky’s not fucking budging on this shit. Instead, they’re punishing the Cheerleader for doing what Slam Pieces are genetically engineered to do: banging Bros. Honestly, it’s not her fault, he’s a fucking Bro King, thus irresistible to the opposite sex, but what kind of precedent is this setting?? You look back to past cases of hot teachers banging their students and getting put in jail and you know what this says? “Fuck you Bros, we can’t punish you, so we’re setting a fucking example!” Honestly, who’s the victim here? Will the 16-year-old Bro King need to go through years of therapy to get over this shit? Fuck no. He’s probably enjoying a ticker tape parade of high fives and girls trying to bang a fucking celebrity.
So, where do we go from here? We need the fucking Supreme Court to intervene NOW. If they’ve got time to listen to Sammy Sosa slaughter the fucking English language, they’ve got time for this travesty. Yeah I know, laws are laws and you can’t make exceptions, blah, blah, blah, but in this case, you’ve really got no choice. In cases of sexual assault by a teacher on an underage male student, we need a rating system. This is what I propose: You give the 9 Supreme Court Justices numbered placards, much like the Slam Dunk Contest, and when each Defendant walks into the Court Room, the judges could determine just how hot she is. If she passes a certain predetermined number, Boom – innocent. Also, the kid will receive some sort of prize money created from an account of taxpayer money for such a great accomplishment. It’s a win-win situation.
Recently, a scientific survey was conducted among a random sample of Bros with the question asked, “What is the most dangerous thing in the World?” and their answer will shock you. Was it Cancer? Nope. AIDS? Wrong again. The most popular response? Brocism. Bros, as proven by this survey, this is not just something that was made up. Brocism is real. Will we ever see an end to Brocism? Doubtful. Will I work every day to make sure we do. You better fucking believe it. Just because Bros are better than you, doesn’t mean we can’t live as equals. End Brocism Now. Follow Me on Twitter
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