Thursday, June 14, 2012

#206 Unidentified Drunken Injuries

It’s pitch black and you don’t know where the fuck you are. Your head is #161 pounding and you’re pretty sure there’s #48 puke in your hair. You break out your phone to get some fucking light. Looks like you’ve got a missed text:

“Are you alive?”

Clearly, you made last night your fucking bitch.

As you get yourself together, you try to make sense of where the fuck you are – it looks like a bathroom, but you’ve woken up facedown next to your toilet hundreds of time, and it’s not this fucking nice. That’s when it hits you: this is the house you lived in two years ago. You must have fucking broken in. As you try to remember if the people who moved in are likely to press serious criminal charges, you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. What. The. Fuck. The entire right side of your face bloodied. You eye is fucking swollen shut! Thoughts start swirling in your head, “Did I get into a fight last night?? Should I go to the hospital?? Is this shit gonna scar??” But just as quickly as you nearly panic, you remind yourself that you’re a fucking Bro. You text back, “Clown question, Bro.” As you climb out the bathroom window, your Bro immediately replies, “Nice, down for #6 Beer Pong Tournament?” Fucking right you are. You’re not going to the fucking hospital, you’re about to go show off last night’s damage to some lucky Slam Pieces. After all, you’re a Bro, and you fucking love getting hurt when you’re drunk.

Some people think being a Bro easy and all we do is crush brews, be rich, and take 10’s to fucking Pound Town, but they’re vastly mistaken. Let me assure you, it’s no fucking Cake Walk. We worked hard to get where we are and through all the blood, sweat, and banging fatties, our genetically perfect bodies are expected to get a few nicks. However, Bros don’t wear those scars like a fucking Scarlet Letter. We cherish them. Here’s a couple of the greatest things about Drunken Injuries.

Piecing the Night Together – As much as Bros love getting wasted, we might love #talking about how fucking wasted we got even more. Nothing beats sitting around and talking about all the awesome shit we did the night before and nothing spices that shit up like a nice injury. Bros don’t really give a shit about how we got injured, but it’s fun as shit to try to solve that mystery like a motherfucking Hardy Boy. It really doesn’t even fucking matter if you can’t figure out how you broke your wrist. Going to the hospital and honestly not being able to tell the doctor how you got hurt is about as Bro as it fucking gets.

Chicks Dig Them – Have you ever seen a girl when she sees someone get hurt? Sure at first they act like they’re horrified, but then they rush to clean you up. You know what they’re really thinking about when as they nurse you back to health? That’s right, that they want to bang you! Girls fucking love Bad Boys and you better fucking believe Bad Boys get beat up doing all their fucking Badass shit. So, naturally, girls are going to love that black eye you got when you drunkenly fell down the stairs. Sure you have no fucking clue how you got it, but it means you’re dangerous and fucking mysterious – and not "Back Alley Rapist” dangerous and mysterious, I’m talking fucking "Twilight Vampire" dangerous and mysterious, you know, the kind they all want to fucking bang!

No one ever said it was easy being a Bro. As we start pounding brews this weekend to celebrate yet another march on the fucking Warpath, we realize the risk we’re taking. Sure there’s a chance we’ll break a bone or get a black eye or even get a fucking concussion, but that shit doesn’t bother us. Losing massive amounts of blood is a small price to pay for the honor of calling yourself a Bro.
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16 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Clown question, bro." Golden quote.

Anonymous said...

There is nothing better than waking up and not knowing what the fuck happened. Cut on the elbows, bruised fists, and a body full of aches. You know you had a Bro fucking night and probably beat the shit out of some Bro-haters. Good shit NYB, your a legend.

Bro Satriani said...

Fucking hilarious article as usual, but Twilight shouldn't be anywhere near anything having to do with bros. Leave that gay shit to BroTips.

Anonymous said...

NYB going to the doctor with a broken wrist is as unbro as it gets.
thats a clown quote bro you let that shit heal on its own medicating it with massive amounts of beer, whiskey, and weed

Broce Harper said...

Solid post except I don't know if I want to be associated with some sparkly-ass Edward Pattinson Twilight vampire. You might as well have said "Justin Bieber dangerous and mysterious.". That's some clown shit, bro.

Anonymous said...

Reminds me of this past thanksgiving. Me and my buddies went out to this bar the night before for a 3 hour open bar. Needless to say I was hammered when I arrived. They were stupid enough to serve top shelf shit and even allowed me more than one drink at a time. After double fisting jack and cokes all night, I apparently tripped on a wire and fell straight on my face. I guess my drinks were my priority because I didn't brace myself at all. Somehow I managed to fall onto broken glass and broke my nose and tore it up. Long story short, I tried claiming it would stop bleeding until I was thrown out. I said I would sue the shit out of them because my lawyer is on retainer, but I eventually said fuck it. Woke up thanksgiving day with 12 stitches and a broken nose. Family might have been disappointed, but the slams were impressed and still are.

Jimmy BROllins said...

The guy who jumped in front of the camera and did a bird call during the interview at the end of the US Open is a bro king

sloppy bro said...

Blacked out injuries are the tits but dont compare bros to a fucking twilight vampire ever again . . .

Anonymous said...

scars from your roommates are fucking classic, not only do they look bro, but you can give them shit about it for like a month and never pay for weed

Anonymous said...

Bryce Harper tells a reporter "clown question bro"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzbhjzsyvGk&feature=related

Anonymous said...

Any other site like this would have haters and feminists filling up the comments section with inane babble and indignant yapping. Bros like this site fucking owns, and that's coming from a non-bro who still agrees with EVERY FUCKING THING on the list.

Anonymous said...

drunken injuries are truly brolic

Brian said...

Woke up this past Sunday morning with a torn ACL, MCL, and LCL. Apparently me and some bros broke into our neighbors house and stole a 5 gallon water jug and were gronking that shit along with a "For Rent" sign, half a rack of PBR (undoubtedly stolen from some hipster faggot), various condiments, and a couple dozen eggs when a bro of mine missed the ground with the gronk spike and took out my knee. Yeah I can't dominate my corporate softball league for another 8 months, but drunken injuries are still the shit.

Anonymous said...

killed half a bottle of jack and crashed a scooter and got head later that night.

Anonymous said...

Me too

Anonymous said...

I started pounding NOHO while I'm drinking and I never have to deal with this anymore. Seriously try it, I don't know how I lived without it.

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