“Are you alive?”
Clearly, you made last night your fucking bitch.
As you get yourself together, you try to make sense of where the fuck you are – it looks like a bathroom, but you’ve woken up facedown next to your toilet hundreds of time, and it’s not this fucking nice. That’s when it hits you: this is the house you lived in two years ago. You must have fucking broken in. As you try to remember if the people who moved in are likely to press serious criminal charges, you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. What. The. Fuck. The entire right side of your face bloodied. You eye is fucking swollen shut! Thoughts start swirling in your head, “Did I get into a fight last night?? Should I go to the hospital?? Is this shit gonna scar??” But just as quickly as you nearly panic, you remind yourself that you’re a fucking Bro. You text back, “Clown question, Bro.” As you climb out the bathroom window, your Bro immediately replies, “Nice, down for #6 Beer Pong Tournament?” Fucking right you are. You’re not going to the fucking hospital, you’re about to go show off last night’s damage to some lucky Slam Pieces. After all, you’re a Bro, and you fucking love getting hurt when you’re drunk.
Some people think being a Bro easy and all we do is crush brews, be rich, and take 10’s to fucking Pound Town, but they’re vastly mistaken. Let me assure you, it’s no fucking Cake Walk. We worked hard to get where we are and through all the blood, sweat, and banging fatties, our genetically perfect bodies are expected to get a few nicks. However, Bros don’t wear those scars like a fucking Scarlet Letter. We cherish them. Here’s a couple of the greatest things about Drunken Injuries.
Piecing the Night Together – As much as Bros love getting wasted, we might love #talking about how fucking wasted we got even more. Nothing beats sitting around and talking about all the awesome shit we did the night before and nothing spices that shit up like a nice injury. Bros don’t really give a shit about how we got injured, but it’s fun as shit to try to solve that mystery like a motherfucking Hardy Boy. It really doesn’t even fucking matter if you can’t figure out how you broke your wrist. Going to the hospital and honestly not being able to tell the doctor how you got hurt is about as Bro as it fucking gets.
Chicks Dig Them – Have you ever seen a girl when she sees someone get hurt? Sure at first they act like they’re horrified, but then they rush to clean you up. You know what they’re really thinking about when as they nurse you back to health? That’s right, that they want to bang you! Girls fucking love Bad Boys and you better fucking believe Bad Boys get beat up doing all their fucking Badass shit. So, naturally, girls are going to love that black eye you got when you drunkenly fell down the stairs. Sure you have no fucking clue how you got it, but it means you’re dangerous and fucking mysterious – and not "Back Alley Rapist” dangerous and mysterious, I’m talking fucking "Twilight Vampire" dangerous and mysterious, you know, the kind they all want to fucking bang!
No one ever said it was easy being a Bro. As we start pounding brews this weekend to celebrate yet another march on the fucking Warpath, we realize the risk we’re taking. Sure there’s a chance we’ll break a bone or get a black eye or even get a fucking concussion, but that shit doesn’t bother us. Losing massive amounts of blood is a small price to pay for the honor of calling yourself a Bro.
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