God dammit that second fucking 7-11 Chili Cheeseburger Bite was a bad idea. You’ve just spent the past hour playing your Bro in a best of 13 full cup quarters match, and you feel like you’re about to fucking #48 blow. As the room starts to spin, all you see is a shitload of beer cans and that Slam Piece you #181 called over after the 7th game. Sure it’s only 6 o’clock on a Thursday and she was at the Library studying for finals, but that shit doesn’t matter. She fucking knew a Bro wanted to bang her, so you better fucking believe she sprinted over to your place. Now all that stands in your way from a Pre-“Jeopardy” slay-sesh is hitting this last cup (and holding in your fucking lunch.)
You line up your quarter to the kitchen counter’s sweet spot, throw it fucking perfectly, and scream out “HIBACHI” expecting a plop, but instead of the cheers from the Bros that have sacrificed their exams to watch your match-up, all you hear are groans. What. The. Fuck. You missed. You immediately shrug off your choke and go on the defensive, distracting your opponent, even resorting to your patented “nuts on the table” move, but even though you’re screaming out the most vulgar shit you can think of, it’s inevitable: George Washington takes a Natty Bath. As you grab the pint glass and start #130 chugging, all you can think of is the fucking globs of chili pouring out of that rusty convenience store spout. Then, just as the quarter hits your lips, you unleash a wave of vomit unseen by the World since Lardass’s Pie Eating Contest revenge. As your Bros hit the ground laughing, you see your Slam Piece run out the door screaming. What the fuck do you care? She’ll be back, but in the meantime, you’ve got some time to kill. So, you stare down your opponent and set the gauntlet, “REMATCH.” Bros fucking love Drinking Games.
There are two things that drive every Bro’s life: Drinking and Sports. So, it really shouldn’t be a surprise that Bros fucking love combining that shit. Bros are fucking restless creatures, so we can’t go 10 minutes with just drinking and talking, I mean who the fuck do you think we are? Those fucking old ugly whores from Sex and the City?? Fuck that, Bros need to be active at all times and there’s no better way to do that than Drinking Games. While #6 Beer Pong will always be King, here’s a few other Bro Favorites:
Asshole – To be honest with you, I can’t fucking stand Asshole, but whenever I’m at some party, there’s always some guy who suggests it. Usually I make some huge scene and announce that I’d rather get circumcised by a Deli Meat Slicer, but for some reason the game goes on. The thing I hate most about Asshole is that there’s barely any fucking drinking involved. I guess it’s cool that somebody’s got to be #117 the bitch, but only if you make the rules for the Asshole to be really fucking degrading, like, oh I don’t know, he has to wear a diaper and maybe if he’s still the asshole after the second game, he has to take a dump in it! Otherwise, it’s really just some really lame card game without any fucking drinking.
Brome-Made Games - Bros are like Steve fucking Jobs. We see something and we want to make that shit better. Therefore, anytime we see pretty much anything involving drinking, we immediately put our superior intellects to use and find a way to make a game out of that shit. My Bros have created some great ones, from “Point and Drink,” where the object is basically, anyone who gets pointed at has to fucking drink to “Hide the Beer.” In Hide The Beer, the contestant buys a case, hides 4 beers, then drinks the other 20. After he’s on Black Out’s Doorstep, he has to find that fucking beer. If he finds it, he wins!! These are just examples, but one thing’s constant in any Brome-Made Game – you’ll be getting fucking drunk as shit.
Circle of Death – This is a game that’s played ONLY when there are girls involved. And not some fat chick who somehow showed up at the party uninvited, most likely to try to eat someone, I’m talking hot ass sluts you’re trying to bang. The entire game and it’s bullshit rules about “touching the floor” for a 4 and shit are all basically just a fucking ruse to get sluts to answer the “Never Have I Ever” questions. Bros don’t fucking break out shit like “Never Have I Ever eaten McDonald’s!!!” or any other weak shit like that. We go for the fucking jugular. “Never Have I Ever wanted to bang a guy at this table” always gets the juices flowing, but my personal favorite is “Never Have I Ever masturbated.” Girls will try to claim they’ve never “Beaten In” but they’re fucking liars and it’s your job as a Bro to call their fucking bluff.
Being the smartest motherfuckers on the planets is both a blessing and a curse. Sure it’s great to know more shit than everyone else, but at the same time, we’re not like girls who can chatter mindlessly for hours about Hollywood, how awesome Bros are, or their periods. When we’re drinking we need some fucking action in our lives. Enter Drinking Games: The Sport of Bro Kings.
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