#65 Cheating

Bros are the smartest people in the world. There I fucking said it. “But, NYB, surely Doctors and Lawyers are much smarter than bros!” First of all, you don’t know shit you fucking bitch. Second of all, last time I checked Doctors and Lawyers have to study for like 20 years to even practice. Guess how much bros have to study. That’s right - fucking never. The only all nighters bros pull involve shitloads of booze and multiple slam pieces. Bros have perfected their intelligence to such a point that they don’t even have to go to class. So, besides being incredibly smart, how are bros able to graduate without going to class or spending any time in Loserville, USA aka the Library (besides #52 banging in the stacks)? They fucking cheat.

From Richard Nixon to Nicole Brown Simpson (probably) - #63 American history is littered with cheaters. So what’s so special about bros and cheating? Well, unlike these two people who were caught and punished accordingly, bros are way too smart to ever get caught. Every once in a while, a bro hater might rat a bro out. This is never a problem though – all the bro needs to do is remind the Dean how much money his father donates to the school and the worst he will have to do is like 3 hours of community service, which quite frankly is a pretty big fucking penalty. Bros hate helping others. I never understand when people say that working with the less fortunate is “so rewarding.” Honestly, the only “reward” I get is wanting to throw up out of disgust. So, in order to avoid this cruel punishment and ensure their parents keep paying their tuition so they can keep getting fucked up, bros cheat. Here are a couple methods bros use to get their cheat on.

Classical – Everyone knows all bros are smart as shit, but every group has that one bro who is legitimately a genius. Even though he gets fucked up all the time, he still manages to go to class and he actually knows his shit. All semester long all your bros rag on him for actually caring about his school work, but come exam time everyone is fighting over who gets to sit next to him. You can always tell who the nerd bro is in the classroom because he is the first one to flip his page on the test and everyone else in his row will flip immediately after him. This can be dangerous though –bro hater professors will often protect against this by giving out different tests. In order to avoid falling into this trap resulting in the 3 hours of hell aka making homeless people sandwiches, other tactics must be invoked.

Innovative – As arguably the most creative people in society, bros are able to overcome pretty much any challenge. Sure you can always write answers on your wrists and wear a long sleeve shirt, but honestly where is the fun in that? Bros love to come up with new ways of cheating, for example, back in our #37 DOFF’s fat days, he used to put the answers where no professor in their right mind would ever look – under the roll of fat on his stomach. Anytime he needed help on the test aka every question, he would just flip his fat up and get that shit. Another great moment in bro cheating history occurred during a Sign Language written exam. Because the professor was deaf, bros realized that they could just talk to each other to get the answers; only problem was she could see their lips moving. Now most people would feel guilty about cheating on a handicapped woman’s test. Not bros. Instead, they just put pencils in their mouth when they talked so that Professor Helen Keller couldn’t read their lips. Special my ass.

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