Thursday, April 2, 2009

#1 Talking About How Wasted They Got

When you ask a bro what he is doing on the weekend, you might as well be asking him, “Where and how much will you be drinking?” I mean seriously, if your answer to this ever consists of an answer that includes activities that don’t involve some sort of aspect of drinking, then they are not a bro and most likely, they are a bro-hater.

Bros love being able to brag about their drinking plans to friends at work. Bros especially love to rehash stories on Monday morning about their wild weekend, which inevitably end with the phrase, “Dude we were so fucked up!”. Extra bro points include:

  • Daytime Drinking: Self-explanatory, Sunday Fundays are a huge drinking day. Pretty much anytime the weather is nice it is an excuse to drink. “Dude, the sun was shining so we started shit up early man, started throwing some balls around in the backyard at like 2. Dude we were so fucked up!”

    The earlier the better too. If you can honestly say you started drinking at like 7:30 AM, you are the fucking man. “Dude we started it up at 7:30, obvs we were crushing red bulls and 5 hour energys but we got fucked up!”
  • Having a ridiculously high bar tab – The more open tabs at a bar the better, and if you can have multiple open tabs at multiple bars, then you are a bro-king. Leaving your credit card at a bar chalks up huge bro-points too
  • Drinking after the bar closes – preferably at the bar – By doing this not only do you prove your bro-worthiness by being able to drink later than is mandated by the government, but it also proves that you are such a bro that you have connections at a bar and they will serve you after hours. Serious bro-getimacy.
  • Blacking out – One time a coworker stated to me that he had never gotten to the point where he had blacked out, and asked me if I had. I told him, “Umm ch’aa, last Saturday.” You see, that is because I am a bro and I get fucked up. A lot of people might be embarrassed to say they forgot what happened last night, not bros. Revealing this will most likely get you a “Dude, that’s awesome,” along with an immediate phone call to let everyone know that person “blacked the fuck out last night.”
  • Hangover– Nothing shows just how drunk you got like how hung-over you got. In fact these stories might be even more entertaining than your drunk stories. More value is given to stories that include vomiting, especially in ridiculous places. “Dude, I was so fucking hung-over at work I puked all over my bosses cube.” This type of story would immediately elicit high fives and fist pounds from your bros because this type of story could be retold by your bros and immediately give them “bro-cred” for even having a bro as cool as you.


    Bottom line – Bros love to get fucked up and they love to let everyone know just how fucked up they got.

59 comments:

Broly said...

I was so wasted last night that I just spent the past five hours in the ER passing a stone. Morphine is the ultimate hangover cure. Great night.

Anonymous said...

I was so fucked up once that I was puking my brains out in the church bathroom on Easter Sunday the morning after. I made some old wheelchair dude wait for me to finish before I relinquished the handicapped stall to him. A bro needs his puking space.

Bro DiMaggio said...

So there I was, no shit, and this ho-bag starts mackin on my bro. Needless to say, this 2-bit whore looked the piece to take it in both holes at the same time, so I got in that shit. Next thing I know, I'm pukin up Natty Lite all over this bra's back. Fuckin' amazing, bro.

Nick said...

Me and the big guy (my roommate) had a fuckin wild ass keg party last night. There were Slam pieces everywhere.. and we were cashing in on them cheap ass kegs of Beast lite. We made about $300, so as typical bros, we went to the bar with our entourage and started throwing money around we owned the mother fucker. $300 later, I left with this bro-haters slam piece girlfriend! He lives on the 3rd floor of my apartment complex. Mean-less to say, I got her in my bedroom and she started sucking on it like a billy goat. Next thing I know... I hear glass shader from inside my living room. This fuckin deusch bag sliced through my sliding glass door with a 30" guitana sword, samorie style! BAD MISTAKE! I walked out of my room with a Naddy lite bottle in my hand, and saw this chubby fuck gettin stomped, while screaming "I just want my Girlfiend". Stupid Fuck! To make a long story short, The ambulance carried him out of my apartment, while I got up in them guts!

2 weeks later later... He talked to a mutual friend and paid me $250 not to show up at his court date. Damn, this fuckers stupid! I took the money and showed up anyway. He got kicked out of our college (SIUC) and I'm still fuckin his bitch! Having Boards up on our sliding glass doors is a small price to pay for a one of the highlights of my college career. I fucking love college.
-Boaty

Napoleon BROnaparte said...

The Hangover is a sign of supreme bro-ness. This past summer, I had to make a trip to NYC with my bitch and her parents on an early Saturday morning. Of course, like the bro I am, I stayed up Friday night into the early hours of Saturday slamming alcohol at the bar with my bros. The hangover that morning was something epic. I woke up and puked on the floor next to my bed. This was in PA. On the way to NYC, we stopped for some gas in Jersey, where I opened the door and puked again. Finally, while leaving NYC and heading upstate, I puked once more out the window and all over the car. But I didn't fucking care, because I had just puked in 3 different states in one day. It was an epic day in my bro-ography.

Anonymous said...

Nick,
How can you start your story about having a keg party "Last Night" and then talk about the court date 2 weeks later. Sounds like you're bromantisizing the events a little. You don't need to lie for Bro-Cred.

Anonymous said...

Nick, what bar in carbondale did you go to? Calis, Pinch, or copper dragon?

Anonymous said...

7:30?!?!?!.... Shit you aint a true bro unless youve been drunk by 5:30am at LEAST once

Anonymous said...

I live in Hawaii and the only way to watch football on sundays is if your ass is up at 630 am for the first kickoff. There's no way to deal with that ungodly hour without being fucked up. Waking up at th crack of dawn punding shots and brewjas has become a sunday tradition

The Big LeBROski said...

So my freshman year of college me and some of my fellow bros decided to take a #102 Joke Class, Beginners Bowling. Unfortunately it started 8 am, and all bros everywhere can tell you war stories about classes starting at this un-godly hour. on top of that the prof only gives you 4 abs before u fail and in true bro fashion we used those up the first 2 wks of class.

So one thurs night we're out poundin brews and mackin on bitches basically just bro'in it up hard not thinkin at all about the 8 am bowling class the next morning. So next thing i know my bros wakin me up at the ass crack of dawn for the bullshit class and basically drags my ass out to the car. As we pull up to a red light on campus i open the door and blow chunks everywhere and tell all the onlookers to go fuck themselves. Once we pull into the parking lot of the bowling alley i begin to walk up to the door only to realize....wait theres more so i basically puke in front of the whole class. needless to say i get a round of applause.

When i get in there it turns out that as part of a test we have to play in a tourney. Guess who won that mother fucker...ME... so fuck all you bro-haters out there that say "ohh im too hung-over" FUCK YOU man up and get that bro cred.

Kareem Abdul-JaBRO said...

Fuckin bros rule

Anonymous said...

ah yeah so I know this doesnt fit here but you might want to make #104- College snow days
look trust me these are god's gift to us, its a sing that we need to start drinking at 10am and black out by 7. Im already halfway there and i just thought i would give you and idea.. great site too

Anonymous said...

went to the dominican with my best bro when we were only 16, but we got these wrist bands that meant we were 18.

we were drunk from 4 o'clock thursday till 4 o'clock the next thursday!

by the way, el presidente is one of the best beers on the planet!

BROby maguire said...

I hear what you`re saying about the hangovers, one time i was hungover and went to church as a courtesy for my parents. Pastor smelled whisky on my breath, knows i`m a bro

Anonymous said...

Any real bro would know that bros drink so often and heavily that they don't even get hangovers

Alex said...

Woke up this morning at 7am in the shower after rolling around campus blackout. great night

BRO-crates said...

help me out here bros. do i earn bro-cred for polishing off a bottle of cappy morgans and doing 1700 dollars worth of damage to my ex's car after she shows up at the same place i am(knowing i would be there)with some dude who looks like Moby on crack? and i jumped at an old asian woman. scared her so bad she fell out of her shoes. just curious.

Anonymous said...

bros drink so much that they get immune to hangovers.. i havent had a hangover since i was a freshman in college

Anonymous said...

Back when i was 16 and taking drivers ed i was so hungover that i puked all over the center console and my instructors notebook in the middle of my driving turn...it was a fuckin great night.

Anonymous said...

i was so fucked up on saturday that i pissed on some kids floor then threw up on it after

Anonymous said...

anyone else ever wake up butt-ass naked with an empty bottle of jack daniels in your neighbors yard? (of 4 houses down the street) not such a fun walk back home at 11 a.m. on a sunday by the way...

Chi-Town's BROkim Noah said...

Day drinkin a 5th of Lieutenant Dan, case racin it up, then rockin the bars for hours. Thats how BRO's do it in the IL.

8roNamath said...

Spring Weekend 10'
7 am wake up
7am smoke 3 bowls on the balcony of the hotel
730- ripping sailor jerry shots then go jump in the ocean
8am keg stands and funnels on the balcony
830 steppin up game to strikeouts
(all above and beyond while raging to house music btw)
9 am were finally waking up people witht eh ridiculously loud music.
10am till 5 am no idea what went on just lots of drugs sex and house music. Amen Im Out

alanarene said...

I'm a bra and I was fucked the fuck up from noon-4am 3 days in a row this past spring weekend. Blacked out, but didn't puke or pass out once. Total damage done:
6 bruises on my legs
A cigarette burn on my thigh and on my calf
A badly scraped knee and toe
A massive bruise on the bridge of my nose
Fishnets got torn and shoes got lost sometime Saturday night
Also climbed a parking lot pole in the middle of the 10,000+ person X-Lot party and got pulled down by a cop, which left a bruise on my arm.
I'm a girl and I'm less of a pussy than you fucks who end up getting your stomachs pumped, at least I can hold my liquor.

KimBro said...

I got so wasted / hungover that I puked in a trashcan in the middle of a crowded mall the next day. Keepin it class, San Diego.

yanelang said...

Sometimes life is unfair b`cos we get those people that r good for us after struggling with the unprofitable dates.I wish i can be a writter n convnc our future leaders to know where to n y.

BROner said...

After me and my bros took a couple 30 racks to the face on a typical bro Thursday night, we decided to hit up some campus karaoke to cause trouble like bros love to do. We got on stage and told the crowd what was up to inform them that the bros were taking over. We began to rock out some hard core thug music until one bro-hater called me out for my lack of talent. I took the mic and called him a faggot bro-hater in front of the whole crowd. I ended up getting kicked out, which is a classic bro move. We wondered if we should go back to sleep when we got back to our frat house, but we soon realized that wouldn't be the bro thing to do. Instead, we took down 2 more 30 racks to the face and woke up the next morning in the formal room.

Classic bro-night

Anonymous said...

lets take this shit back to freshman year in hilton head for spring break 07. Arrive at the fuckin condo at 530 in the morning and proceed to to pound beer, boxed wine and southern comfort. After a couple of hours of this shit we go out for some put-putting where I wreak havoc on this shit hole course, snap a putter in half throwing one half into a raod and take the other half to this slam pieces throat that was with us and hold here hostage and drag here around the course for a while. When i get tired of that shit i wonder over to some black dude trying to change his tire in a parking lot and start a fight with him. Once we get back to the condo I go on a rampage and start walkin around the complex all spy like and shit cause I think Im bein hunted by triads and mexican mofia so Im walking through trees and shit spyin on people. I eventually made it back, slammed some more soco and fucked a bitch on the kitchen floor with about 10 people watchin, mostly my bros...great spring break

Anonymous said...

I don't understand why you mention red bulls so much....I don't think needing to drink energy drinks to stay awake is very bro like, even if you have been drinking all day...I've never decided to drink red bulls in the middle of a long drinking day....Usually I just man up and catch a second wind...Not sure how it happens but it does.

Anonymous said...

Getting blackout and having that "morning-after talk" with your bros about all the awesome shit you did, or sluts you made cry is the best. It's even better than the "morning-after PILL talk" you gotta have with a slam-piece when your condom breaks cause your dick is too big and your semen is more potent than battery acid.

One of my favorites: I was visiting some bros in DC and I got pretty drunk at a frat party, but decided to leave and walk to a bar in Dupont to meet up with a different group of bros and some slam-pieces. At the bar I blow all my cash buying cups of bourbon like a boss and get blackout.

(The rest is filled in by accounts from various people I was with or was speaking to)

When the bros and slam-pieces decided to go I wanted to drink more so i stayed at the bar by myself and opened a tab (no one stopped me because they knew i was on a mission to get as fucked up as i could). At some point I leave the bar and start to walk back to the bros' dorm where I was staying. Because i blew all my fucking cash and didnt think to look for an ATM I decided I couldn't take a cab. Apparently walked right past the metro, but fuck the metro anyway, I'm not poor, I just invested all my money in myself that night. I walk North and East of Dupont for a while and get a call from that first group of bros and tell them I'm drunk and confused.

My bros found out through intermittent phone calls and texts that I stumbled in the wrong direction for 45 minutes and then hopped into an unmarked white van, thinking it was a GW-4Ride (free taxi) van...it was not. Luckily I didn't get raped or stabbed and the driver dropped me off somewhere near the bros' dorm where I was staying--of course he asked for some money for his efforts, but i had none; so a kind "Thank You Sir" and my heart-felt appreciation for him not handcuffing me in his basement and butt-fucking me, was all I could offer.

When I stumbled into the dorm, my bros and I decided to walk to a nearby CVS and buy a case of Arnold Palmers and pounded those for the next few days straight.

...I can't remember anything past getting drunk at the bar in Dupont, but I woke up on the couch the next morning with empty Natty and Arnold Palmer cans all over me and a kick-ass story to hear about from my bros.

_the BROnonymous Tom BROkaw

JSkid said...

Bros love getting headaches in the morning because it let's them know how fucked up they were the night before!

Anonymous said...

got so fucked up i crashed at a bro's apartment on a Thursday night borrowed a shirt and tie from him then puked on some brohater on the DC Metro on the way to work.

Brotorious B.I.G. said...

Im a D1 baseball player and during pledging i blacked out and somehow woke up in the hospotal--apparently i was trying to get back in my dorm but didnt quite make it. i looked at the time still wasted and knew i had to be somewhere. we were putting on a ahigh school camp. i rolled down to the field half n hour late and changed in the locker room and somehow slipped in unnoticed. one of the kids asked me if we partied at my school, generally very well-respected academically. i said, "dude, you know where i woke up this morning? the fucking hospital."

Seanderman said...

After I pledged, some bros took me to one of the senior houses and we got fucked up and smoked a shit-ton of sweet stanky grass (yes, a literal shit ton). I had to fly out the next morning to go to germany. I finally used one of those little baggies they provide for airsickness. But I didn't use it for air sickness. I fucking blacked out the night before and I had the worst hangover of my fucking life. Bro for life.

Anonymous said...

i have to respectivly disagree with the comment, "If you can honestly say you started drinking at like 7:30 AM, you are the fucking man". any real bro looking to gain serious bro-cred will party all night, still be dieseling beers by 730 in the morning, and have to ration the remaining 24 so that you dont have to stop drinking before the beer store opens at 11. it has been done, multiple times, and let me tell you that i have never been so dieseled in my life.

Anonymous said...

slammed a magnum of southern comfort and woke up sitting in my own puke in the passenger seat of my own car being driven by a native american in south tucson. i fucking party.

Anonymous said...

Went to my colleges football game, killed jim beam with my bros at the dorm to pregame, and one of them brought out his breathalyzer, after realizing we werent fucked up enough we drank a fuckload more and filled water bottles up and started walking to the game. chugged mine on the walk there. woke up at 1 am in my room and my bros told me i had to be helped back to my room cuz i could barely stand. we had a round of high fives and started pounding brews till we went unconscious again

BRO Montana said...

When i was a senior in high school i got so fucked up on a wednesday night that the next morning i had to drive my brother to school(still drunk), drive back home, and on the way home pull over at construction site to puke.

Anonymous said...

So it was my birthday and me and my Bro's decided to turn into heat seeking shit missiles by putting bottles of Sailor Jerry and Bud Ice to our faces. Once that shit was gone it was time for the bars. We went and pounded car bombs until last call. The next morning I woke up on my Bro's couch, got up and drove home. On the way there was 2 cop cars in the road ahead of me stopping traffic, I was still hammered so I thought it was a checkpoint, but it was 8 in the morning so I was confused. Turns out the road was closed for a bike race, but I still had to talk to the cops and have them tell me the detour. After that I drove the rest of the way home to meet my mom cooking me breakfast because she knew I would be hung over and she knows whats up. After breakfast my Bro's showed up and we all road tripped to a concert 3 hours away. I made it 20 miles down the road before I had to pull over and pull the trigger. The rest of the way was good because we were pounding beers and icing each other in the car the rest of the way.

Anonymous said...

So it was my Bro's birthday and i went to visit him at his college. We got fucked up and i ended up spending the night in some girls room who i met at a party. Two days later i got a text from her saying that i pissed in her roommates drawer full of her clothes.

holla@chaboi said...

I'm so fuckin bro, I woke up in jail and found out i got tested a .3 BCA at 7AM after droppin stacks in a bar in Iowa City

Anonymous said...

Last night was the typical average night here at college. my friends decided to roll molly for a concert but i was like fuck that and sold my share to some dumbass for a 24-pack of coors light.
Me and my friend realize we got at most an hour before we have to go down to the concert so we start pounding brews like any self-respecting bro. we then decided this wasnt gonna cut it so I measured 5 shots of tequila into a glass and downed it (great decision) while he took his bottle of Evan Williams to the face in classic bro-style.
Needless to say we can barely walk by the time we show up. We find some friends, decide the concert sucks and head to the bar. We split a pitcher, went back and then left for a different bar for vodka and red bulls.

We finally get to the concert and im now too fucked up to dance. After the sloppiest dance/concert ive ever been to we head back up to the dorm to rip a bong. from that point the night is a blur-so crossfaded I couldnt see/get into bed. its 7:00 p.m. and my hangover is just wearing off. time to start drinking again!

Anonymous said...

is there a bro-king that could answer a question for me, i dont lax so am i still a bro? i meet all other bro criteria and all my friends lax but i couldnt

Anonymous said...

Bro,
Bro is a state of mind which displays itself through various actions, most of which are showcased on this site. Lax is one of the many venues through which bro status is displayed. So while you can't be a lax bro, you can still be bro. But while you're at it, learn to play. Its for the best.

Anonymous said...

As a bro myself, i have to agree with the bro's like to get fucked up blog, I mean that's our life and I'm sure I would enjoy many others. HOWEVER, these fucking frat boy wannabe's and their ghetto ass followers that post their stories, that let's be real...we top on a weekly basis, are legitimately brotarded. I would love to see the status of their brothetic lives 10 years from now when they still refer to girls as slam pieces and bitch ass hoes. Call me a bro hater, but those are not bros. Those are high school rejects that belong to a community college (or wsu) fraternity that couldn't pay a bitch to give them dome.

that is my 2 cents, and I would love to individually chop each and every one of their balls off...especially the fuck tards that posted their truly awesome stories of their own - from their chest hair down to their ball fro, they must be fugly.

Ali G as BROrat... Sexytime said...

Downed a 20 pack of Canadian, hit the bar, forget losing terribly at pool, smacked a guy i didnt know in the face infront of Wendys for not giving me a fry, then figured 5am was too early for bed so me and Ty slugged back some Appleton outa the bottle. Kill death ratio in Call of Duty was deep in the negative, but people who take that shit seriously are probably bro haters. Pretty sure we made a dude cry over bluetooth. Great success.

Anonymous said...

sounds like that last anonymous poster is a little bitter cause his pussyass couldn't handle a frats pledging process

Anonymous said...

Nick,

You did start the story with "last night" and went on to say "2 weeks later" However, as a bro I have total bro faith in you and believe that you were simply too fucked up to remember when the party actually was. And that is bro. Carry on bro

Dikembe Mutombro said...

Me and my bro went out to Beantown to visit my sister...Immediately upon arrival we ordered two sets of tall boys and pounded them instantly....being the bros that we are, the bartenders started feeding us shots, within an hour we put down at least 8 beers and a half dozen shots...

We ended up getting so wasted that got kicked out of every bar in Boston we went to that night as we quoted Good Will Hunting by asking people if they liked apples? and how they liked these apples.

Bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

What does bro code say about passing out in the midst of drinking? Chugging a 40 ounce of vodsky while manning the keg. My bros had me so I never touched the ground

dev_macgregor10 said...

I was on a cruise, which was bro as fuck, and it made a stop in Mexico. There was a bar on the beach, so I started slamming beers and shots like you wouldn't believe, then black out by 2:30 in the afternooon. One of my bros told me that I was so polluted that I started yelling at this stupid, hairy fuck in a speedo that he was a useless hairy piece of amphibian shit, and macking on these two hot slampieces at the bar. I got kicked off the beach for being too drunk so with both slampieces in my arms I took a shuttle back to the boat. I wake up in my room with 2 empty bottles of 1800 tequila and both bitches at 8:30pm. We then went to the hot tub for 20 minutes then decide to fuck again. this time with one of their friends. i was fucking 3 girls at the same time While having the meanest hangover of my life.
Sincerely,
Bro

Anonymous said...

Best thing to do about hangovers: Kill them with a nice bottle of ice cold beer as early as you wake up.

Anonymous said...

I once woke up to an old toothless man kicking me awake in general population at the Alamacne County Jail. I had thoroughly blacked out the night before and could not figure out what I had done. Like a true BroPro I was still incredibly intoxicated. Had I not still been drunk, it might have rattled me that I was wearing a blue jump suit (which I naturally pissed in) and red sandals. I will always remember that morning and the ride back to campus. I sat Mexican in-between my bail bondsman (smoking Marlboro Reds with the windows cracked a quarter of an inch) and his hooker wife in an old beat up truck. The song "Thats the night that the lights went out in Georgia" was blaring on the radio. Now that I've graduated and have a job in the real world, I miss those exciting brotific mornings

Anonymous said...

I dont know who created this site, but I'm starting to wonder if its Charlie Sheen. Who the fuck is more Bro than Charlie Sheen...?

Anonymous said...

got totally fucked up on sunday and knocked myself out doing the worm

Bros before Hos said...

Less thinking, more drinking!

Bromanchu said...

Bro's,I'm a Paramedic and despite know how to get rid of a hangover i kept it like a badge of honor. needless to say the next morning i puked in the back of my squad while transporting my patient. All over the side door and window. Patient was flipping the fuck out and i just told him last night, i cant even remember last night. He shook his head in disgust and i took it as he just doesnt understand the life i live.

StorminMormin said...

It was the day before my 18th birthday and my friends threw a party for me. I get to the party at 7, and immediately begin to drink.I usually don't drink mix drinks or use chasers but I keep making mix drinks to use as a chaser. I chug vodka, and use a half orange soda, half vodka drink as a chaser. I drink so fast that I black out by 7:30. The next day I put all the pieces together. Later my friends told me that I puked all over myself many times, and even face planted into a pile of my own vomit. Even though I dont remember pretty much the whole night, I know, that I had an awesome time.

Anabite said...

So me amd my bros had just left this killer ass party. It was prob gettimg close to 3 330 at this point in the night and we had been poundin em down hard. So my bro comes up to me when we get to this chicks place and hes got a mad case of the drunkies so w get back in the car and head to whataburger. Fuckin if we dont fall asleep in the drive thru line. Seriously am employee had to come out amd tap on our car window to wake our drunk asss up funniest shit ever man we were so wasted

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