Monday, May 11, 2009

#14 Talking About How Important Their Father Is

So your at the bar with your bros and some ridiculously hot chick comes walking by looking to order a drink. Player that you are, you swoop in to order her a Cranberry Vodka. You start to hit on her – hard. You are using some of your best game, but for some reason it’s just not working. Normally you might just move on and call her a slut for taking your drink without even being interested in you, but this girl is so fucking hot and you have been on such a cold street recently that you have to break out your trump card. She needs to know just how rich and powerful your father really is. Luckily for me, my father went to Wharton and has like 5 houses, including 2 beach houses, so I never have any problem coming up with ways to impress girls. There’s different tactics to best bring up the fact that you father is more important than anyone else:

  • Naturally in conversation – This is perhaps the toughest thing to do. Rarely do girls you meet at the bar ever ask you what kind of car your Dad drives, so often times you really have to gear the conversation in this direction. For example, say she asks where you went to high school, your response could be, “Yeah, I went to Tall Oaks High. It was tough though, because a lot of kids were really jealous of my Dad’s Lamborghini.” Boom, you are probably getting laid.

  • Blunt statement – this is probably my favorite tactic. This is best done in a completely non-sequitor manner where there is a lull in conversation. Everyone knows what I’m talking about, you were chatting the girl up for awhile until you run out of things to talk about. You’ve already exhausted where you went to college, where you live, where you work and its getting to the make or break point where someone either pretends to have to go to the bathroom or chug their drink so they can go get another one. Well its at this point when you are looking around the bar trying to find something to talk about when you can interject and scream out – “My Dad is VP of his company and in charge of like 150 people. He fired some single mother of 3 last week because she looked at him the wrong way. But I mean business is business. He makes as much as a lot of pro athletes.” Now you’ve got her motor running! Not only do you stand to inherit millions of dollars, but there is also power in your bloodlines, and newsflash: Chicks Dig Power.

  • To get out of trouble – Claiming you are your father’s son doesn’t only help you get laid, but it can be handy for trouble with the authorities. Say you and your bros decide to have some nice late night fare after a night of getting fucked up. You can barely stand, but all you want is a nice Chili Dog at Hard Times. Only problem is the dumb waitress is taking forever with your order, not to mention the fact that they won’t even serve you alcohol. The unfortunate thing for the restaurant but the fortunate thing for you is that there is a candle on the table and plenty of napkins to go around. So you and your bros decide to have a little “bro-fire” and start burning everything you can see. Things quickly get out of control and the bitch waitress of yours eventually has to use a fire extinguisher to put out the emerging blaze. You and you bros are high fiving and verbally abusing the waitress tell her its her fault for not serving us brew, when someone puts a hand on your shoulder. It’s the cops. They saw the whole thing. You explain to the cops you are a political prisoner but he is not buying it, so you are going to have to go to your big guns. You ask the cop, “Do you know who my father is?” He replies he does not, nor should he as your father is not all that famous, but the beauty of it is the stupid pigs don’t know that shit. You then assure him, that if he doesn’t let you go, he will not have a job come Monday morning. This always works. The cop, fearing for his job, is not going to want to mess with your father.

35 comments:

Anonymous said...

What is the best job for a bro's dad to have?

1.) Owning multiple car dealerships
2.) Lawyer
3.) Inheriting money from his dad
4.) Professional golfer
5.) Enron exec (who bolted before the crash)
6.) Mark Cuban
7.) Slaveowner
8.) Married into money
9.) Oilman
10.) Sex trafficing

Anonymous said...

Those all suck.

President of NBC sports.

Dave said...

NBC is for Obama loving faggots and bleeding heart liberals... Sports or no sports they are circling the toilet faster than the Raw Oysters I ate last night... ESPN is king...

Oilman, SlaveOwner, and Professional Golfer Have my vote...

Or Senator or Congressman if you really wanna pull some bras or get out of trouble...

Anonymous said...

hey peter!! ur so cool

Heywood Jabrome said...

the best part about the comment about nbc sports is i went to college with a bra whose father actually was the president of NBC sports

Anonymous said...

heywood u are a fuckin bro cool dude

Anonymous said...

thrown in stockbroker for best bro dad jobs and entreprenuer, or something involving real estate

Xabi BROlonso said...

fuck entrepreneur - that isn't bro at all - unless it is being used as a euphemism for 'drug dealer'

Anonymous said...

Inheriting money has to be the most bro job

Jim said...

Nah dude - i have actually tried the thing with the cops - does not work.

Anonymous said...

Um, Dave who posted on September 11, nice job asshole, but ESPN is owned by Disney. So who is the pussy cocksucking faggot now?

Anonymous said...

Hold on, who makes this site? I got in an argument with cops last spring when my bro was lighting napkins on fire at hard times. Am I on the Broman Show?

Anonymous said...

Owner of multiple cardealerships isn't bro, it sounds like cheap, sleazy, deuche bag. Lawyer, Senator, Congressman, Doctor, all bro.

Farry said...

I used that to get out of trouble one time. Our dumbbitch of a waitress tried to kick us out of a restaurant because me and my bros "sexually harassed" her. It was simply a tap of love on her ass. I then had to explain to the owner of said restaurant that my father is rich as shit and probably owned the land that his shitty establishment was resting on. Bros fucking rule

Brosef said...

Let's just say I when I went to College instead of living in the dorm's with all of the "High Potential" scholarship kids that they bus in from Oakland, I had my father purchase the ultimate bro pad for me and two of my bro's. House in the Country Club 3 miles from school. Just the perfect amount of distance so that our slam pieces to do the walk of shame after being taken to Pound Town the night before. Mission Accomplished.

Anonymous said...

Entrepreneur is about as bro as it gets. You're smart enough to own your own businesses, instead of working for somebody else. This means you have solid money and you can skip town whenever the fuck you desire, and not have to worry about going over your vacation time.

Best part about a bro with a business owner for a dad is he doesn't even need to have his dad use his own connections, but he can just take over the business.

Lawyer is a job for jews.

La Cosa BROstra said...

Agreed...being a lawyer is jews

A real bro's dad owns a ton of real estate across a wide area so when he walks down the street people know he's a fucking boss

Anonymous said...

CEO of Goldman or some shit like that. A true bro gets a massive bonus even when the economy is in the shit hole and the reason the economy is in the shit may be because of him....

That's a true bro.

Anonymous said...

Straight Investment Bankers are no longer bro at all thanks to the new regulation, I prefer claiming not to understand what he does, but explaining he's away everyday on the G-5. Let curiosity work(Banker, Entrepreneur/Drug-dealer, Congressman, Real estate mogul, hitman, etc.)

Anonymous said...

No the best job for a bros dad to have is Police Chief. then the cops work for your dad... and no one is going to arrest the boss' son

Anonymous said...

Best bro-dad job is Mayor, District Attorney or State Senator (or distantly related to a US Senator or something).. It might not have a ton of money attached to it, but everybody has to listen to what the guy says, plus it gets you into the rich circles without having to actually be rich.

On a regular basis I drop that I am Dick Cheney's nephew and/or that my Step Dad is fishing buddies with George and Jeb Bush. Total bullshit but this is always effective.

Best dad drop happened during pledging.. I was the designated driver for the actives and was borrowing my big brother's H3.. His dad was a State Senator from Connecticut and the Hummer had license plates with the word Senator and like two letters and one number - shit just looked mad important.. anyway, cop pulls us over just for the hell of it.. wreaking of booze, no wallet or license and in a car that doesn't belong to me, the cop just wanted to see if I was anyone super important, and let me go despite having about 15 people crammed into this bitch hummer and half a dozen open containers

Anonymous said...

My dad is a judge and all the cops in the city know it and it scares the shit outta them when I say, you know my dad is the judge?

Anonymous said...

peter schanzer....the nbc sports comment

I really cant call this a bro move now that you hid your name as anonymous. Even tho you go to ND you still might be a bro its no Vandy but good luck with parietals

Christopher said...

Dude its all about finance... IB and Hedge Funds.

Anonymous said...

The revised top 10

1.) CEO
2.) Lawyer
3.) National News Anchor
4.) Professional Athlete
5.) Politician
6.) Oilman
7.) Venture Capitalist
8.) Fighter Pilot
9.) Brewer
10.) Porn Star

Cameron said...

all you got to say is, "my dad works for the goverment, he is always traveling around the world" it works all the time, plus you can change the storys up with different girls since "works for the goverment" is very vague but really fucking important and james bond sounding.

Bronard Madoff said...

if your dad's name can't be found on the 'Executives and Board Member's bio' section of a Fortune 500 website... you have no business being on this site.

Brometheus said...

none of the lists include "Baddest Mother Fucker Alive" which is what my father is. he worked in a foundry for 16 years and when he got bored of that shit he became a trucker just for the hell of it. not to mention that my father has been putting the Big Guy of other crews in their place for almost 40 years now and he's not even his own crew's Big Guy.

Anonymous said...

brometheus...thats not bro at all

Anonymous said...

hedge fund manager. boom.

Anonymous said...

My dad retired at the age of 45 after selling his dad's travel company for a shitload of money. all he does now is travels (stays in penthouses because he knows so many people in the hotel industry), golfs, and chills. Fuckin boss.

Bromaster said...

Broest story ever:

A bro and his bros got arrested at a party and were not read their rights/ weren't released when said bro's father called. Mistake: bro's father was a huge fucking lawyer. Not only were the bros let go, half of the police department was fired, and the bros got compensation for being bothered in their bro activities.

True fucking story.

Sabes said...

Finance is for fags.

My dad's got everyone beat.

He sells arms. Jets, missiles, bombs, you name it.

And all completely legal by the greatest country on earth. The U.S. Fucking A.

Anonymous said...

Bros and their affluence:
http://www.talenthouse.com/creativeinvites/preview/a9eb4e6943cee730bb863c17c92b0a10/220

Bromissory Estoppel said...

Totally agree:
1) CEO
2) Lawyer
3) Doctor

The best situation for a bro is having to have a powerful dad and grandfather. You get both of them in conversation and you can phone that shit in, you are on your way to poundtown.

Name dropping is risky can back fire when a is some sort of idealist. Better to just whip out the ID then watch the cop's demeanor change as he reads your name, sees your car, and the slampiece next to you. When he puts it all together, you go home with a warning... now that is Bro

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