Thursday, May 28, 2009

#23 Drinking and Driving

It’s 3 AM. You’ve been pounding brews and dominating the beer pong table at your bro’s place for the past 6 hours. He’s about to go nail the last bra at the party who’s not comatose. That’s when you get the text: “What ru up to?” It’s your slam piece. She wants to fuck. You are now faced with two options: you can stick around the party and pass out in the living room with like 6 other bros, or you can make the 10 mile trip via the highway to go spend some quality time with the bra. That's when you remember: I'm a bro - you better believe I'm fucking drinking and driving.

Sure there are some serious cons to drinking and driving but believe me, the pros far outweigh them. “But, Ned’s Younger Brother, can’t you go to jail?” Listen, bitch, I don’t know if you could tell by my ankle socks, but I am a straight bro, therefore I have an uncle who’s a high powered attorney, plus like 6 friends in Law School. Whenever a cop reads me my rights, I give him his rights to work at McDonald’s the rest of his career. But let’s just say you don’t have bros on retainer like I do. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t drink and drive. Here’s some examples that even Mother’s Against Drunk Driving would have to respect:

Cheaper – I’m lucky enough to live in a big city – DC, but honestly most of you bros out there probably don’t have the luxury of illegal Somali immigrants begging to take you home in unmarked cabs every night you go out. Chances are the party/bar you go to is pretty fucking far from your house too. So what are you gonna do? Pay $65 for a cab ride home? Fuck no - you're gonna drive your ass! And honestly, if some Anonymous posts in the comments section, “How about just having a designated driver??” I promise I will find you and block you from this site. You are a true bro-hater.

Mad Bro-Cred – Everyone has that one bro who drinks and drives every fucking time he goes out. It doesn’t matter how drunk he gets, he will always be behind the wheel, and you know what? No one ever has a problem getting into his car. That’s because he is renown amongst your bros as an amazing drunk driver. Sure he’s gotten pulled over before when he was hammered, but he always passes the field tests, no matter what. He even claims he drives better when he’s hammered because he’s more careful. He is an extremely important member of your bro-posse and he gets mad respect from everyone in your crew.

Great Stories – Some of the best stories from going out end with the phrase, “And then I fucking drove home!” If you are honestly able to say you pounded like 15 shots of Patron, then drove home, you might have what it takes to be a bro-king. Just a couple weeks ago one of my bros was driving a fellow bro and his bra home and they looked over – uh, yeah, his eyes were closed AND he was driving on the wrong side of the road. Straight bro-ing it!! Another time one of my bros was driving down the highway and he had such double vision that he had to close one of his eyes to drive. Typical bro behavior.

So all you bro-haters/family members of people killed in drinking and driving accidents out there, I don’t want to hear it. Drinking and Driving is the shit and that is a fact. Please feel free to share some of your great experiences drinking behind the wheel and how it made you a better bro.

269 comments:

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Anonymous said...

A few years ago my bro and I were in Dallas, been out all night, and we got the call from a couple bras wantin to meet up at our pad 15 miles away... Needless to say, Our place was a total bro pad with all the essentials including the little things that keeps the slampieces coming back at all times... They claim our pad turns em on. I dunno, they're fucking hot, what they say goes. So I'm that infamous Designated Drunk Driver you spoke of, and we do what any bro does, and heads home to our beckoning. The sun was coming up just about and I ignored allll red signs stating WRONG WAY focusing only on the task at hand; slammin these lustfilled chicks. I claim I see floating lanterns.. Then car horns... Yes, I'm driving down the wrong side of the toll way at dawn. RUSH HOUR. I do what any bro does in tense situations... Relax... and Casually pull a U turn. WE make it home just fine... IT WAS WORTH IT.

Anonymous said...

12 shots of jager, 2 blunts, and a couple beers. and I fucking drove home haha

Anonymous said...

alright mate im from bermuda, its an island of 60,000 alcoholics clinging to a rock, i've thought i lost my bike 3 times because ive been soo drunk i forgot i even got on my bike and drove to my bros house, on different occasions ive fallen off the back of my bros bike when he drove me home n the best of all was when i was so drunk i couldnt tell which side of the road i was on got arrested for drunk driving puked in the police station then got put by the water fountain n drank enough water to pass the breathalizer and just had my mom being a bitch cause she h ad to wake up at 5 am like wtf i was fucked up get used to it

Anonymous said...

Me an my bro drunk as fuck at a party say fuck it we're starvin lets roll.. we roll out to taco bell and pull up to the window grab our food and the bitch behind the counter goes, "you know its illegal to drink and drive, im calling the cops" my bro being the coolest bro ever says, listen cunt im drinking while driving and if i get pulled over i swear to god im coming back here and driving my suv through the window and raping you... we got back then drove to sheets ordered well over $100 worth food and walked out because nobody was at the register yet...

Jared said...

Back in college, me and my bros attended a beer pong tourney at some random frat, which, obviously, we weren't a part of. But we started dominating, and rather than kicking us out, the frat dudes there realized that we were the shit and let us stay. (Later that week, they offered to initiate us into their lame frat. We said no.) Anyway, I drove, so after hitting up some 4 am Sonic drive thru, I was dropping off my bros at they're respective places of residence when I made a wrong turn right in front of, not one, but two cop cars. They pulled me over and gave me a field sobriety test cause they "could smell the alcohol on me as soon as I rolled down my window." After like 20 minutes of testing, I fucking passed with flying colors and they let me go home. Now here's the most important point of this story... The only reason I know all this is because my bro, who was in the truck w me, had to explain to me what happened the next day cause I was so blackout that I don't remember any of it!

WhyUMadd? said...

This blog and the subsequent stories in this thead are fuking amazing! Reminds me of my fraternity days. Fuk the pussy bro-haters in this thread though.

NWH@UNL said...

No fucking lie, this summer me and my main bro decided to get mad wasted and fuckin do what? Drive the 2010 Range Rover with 24 inch blacked out rims down to the College World Series. Yeah, we were looked at like fucking kings, because were bro kings. Driving that shit plastered was one of the better decisions we've made, not to mention the instant street cred we gained amongst the ho's who flocked to see all these baseball players... fuck they saw the unexpected, true bros driving a Range drunk as hell.

Anonymous said...

obviously if you can drive drunk you're not getting drunk enough. why would driving drunk be cool anyways? get your slampiece to come to you because you're the bro. not her. driving drunk isn't cool, you're just a bunch of retards.

Anonymous said...

When you know someone who was innocently killed by a drunk driver, this stuff isn't funny. i know two people who were on the way to the airport, just cruising along, when a drunk driver hit them out of nowhere. they died instantly. they had no control over the situation-- but the driver did. they didn't have to drive drunk.
freedom of speech aside, you're encouraging behavior that kills people all the time. and that's sick. you may as well be advocating murder.
and by the way, getting a dui and having to explain it in job interviews and going through probation really sucks, so think about THAT the next time you drink and drive.

Anonymous said...

Man one night I was out in bumfuck Frederick, celebrating one of my Marines' engagement and we got totally shit faced... But I live in DC so I'm not taking a taxi home, fuck that so I decided I needed to drive so me and my girl got on the road and a cop followed us for like five blocks but I had them drunk Jedi driving skills on while the chick was nervous the whole time and they cop finally just drove the fuck off... haha but then I made a wrong turn into a one-way street and got pulled over for that but I had my dress uniform hanging in the back with my medals and the cop came up and I just said "I'm lost I need to get back" and he pointed me in the right direction... Cops don't care if you DD just don't kill shit and girls dig the shit out of it cause they not tryna spend the night at some sketch ass house they wanna be in your bed!

Anonymous said...

So this epic dd (anyone who thinks that should stand for designated driver deserves to be run into a ditch by a shitfaced driver) story will be especially memorable for my fellow bros in New England. It was New Years 2009 and me and my main bro needed a change of scenery from being home on xmas break for a few weeks so we decided to go to this big NYE party going on at our school. Naturally we stole a handle of vodka from his parents liquor cabinet before beginning our 4 hour journey. We're making good time but some of you may be familiar with the ultimate bro-hater known as the Connecticut Turnpike, coupled with a near blizzard. Massive traffic was cutting into our drinking time. Normal people (bro-haters) would suck it up and just sit through the traffic and begin their night once they got there. Needless to say that did not happen. We started making a dent in that handle. And by a dent I mean half the handle was gone by the time we got up there. Sure we almost drove off the highway when we hit a patch of ice stopping to take a piss at that little lookout in Mystic, CT, but we showed up to the party the drunkest ones there, fresh off a 4 hr drive thru a blizzard.

Kurt said...

Yeah, I'm a one eye driver. Also gotta love not remembering driving.

Anonymous said...

yeah fucking drinking and driving is cool! especially when you run over someone.. like a kid.. and they die.. hahaha.. sucks for them.

Anonymous said...

monday night this week i got hammered from a powerhour with jack..got in a fight with a bro-hater, and drove home at the end of the night..i woke up to my neighbor pounding on my door to give my wallet, keys and cellphone back that he found on his doorstep..
=Bro King

Anonymous said...

so one night me and my main bro were both back in our hometown from school and decided to throw back a couple brews to make it seem a little funner when we realize we needed to get a couple bras there.. well natrually we call a bratastic chick we went ot high school with and her friend... they get there and we find out shes datin one of our bros that goes to school out of state... i cash some more brews take a couple shots and cant help but notice how fantasticly wonderful this bra has filled out since i last saw her and before i know it this bra is griding on my un-tucked chub while my main bro is slammin the other chick upstaris... she loved the un-tuckedness of my chub so much so that she turns aroun and does the face grind, a move reserved only for the seconds before declothing a bitch.. it is here that somehow in my bro drunkenness that i remember she is dating my friend. what do i do? like a true bro leave that dumb in-a-relationship-with-one-of-my-bros trick all by herself for the night to drunk text my dumbass bro all night while i drive home three minutes after my last shot and make some other slut from my hometown come over and wax my hard on . bro love at its finest.

Anonymous said...

http://www.kulr8.com/news/state/109719699.html

Anonymous said...

Yo bro, I was at this mad party. Got drunk as shit and my GF's sister needed me to drive her home. She drunk too. As I was driving her home ,yeah thats right, I was gettin dome. Then after I blew on her I fucked my girl. Slammed my mac drunk as shit on both. Yeah bro, beat that

Anonymous said...

My buddy is our designated drunk driver... that guy who drives every time he goes out. We left the bars, and he was being a true bro and driving me to my slam pieces house, so naturally, I offered to smoke him out. I rolled a blunt in the passenger seat, and we start to smoke while smashing down the freeway. We get pulled over doing about 80 in a 60, the cop starts to trip about the amount of smoke in the car. I hand him my medical marijuana card (Washington State knows whats up), and tell him my bro hadn't been smoking. I'd guess it was his first encounter with the green card (it was still pretty new at the time), and he was so distracted by the whole thing I don't think he even noticed my bro driver was drunk as shit. Moral of the story: smoking blunts saved him from a DUI.

Anonymous said...

Halloween a couple years ago:
I got drunk all day, dressed up like a pimp, then realized that U of M (my school) was playing Purdue (school in my hometown) the next fucking day. Most ppl who cared about that game would've stayed in Ann Arbor and watched it on TV, but for me, it was a journey home.
Drink as soon as you get home, smoke some fine chronic, and chill with your old bros at the game. Since I was born in Lafayette, I have bro-blood running through my veins. I had some run-ins with the law, but fuck it, I decided.
I drove the whole way in 3 hours, speeding, but alcohol shields you against external troubles. I drove directly to the bars, got drunk, lost my ticket somewhere, and hooked up with a slam piece in the bar's bathroom.
And then I drove back to Ann Arbor, probably drunker than when I left it. Didn't get that chick's number. The only number I got was Bro +1.

Anonymous said...

One night at a Natties game(Washington Nationals aka steven fucking strausburg) my bro got so fucking hammered that he blacked out in the fourth inning. after puking on a guy and his four year old daughter, we got the fuck out of there. I was wasted too of course and somehow lost my bro. i saw some slam pieces and followed them for about an hour, then tried to call my bro. he was on a train to college park maryland aka hood as shit and was the only white person on the train. He ended up getting off in college park and buying a dime from some sketchy ass drug dealer. i met up with him and smoked a fat blunt. great night. o yea there wasnt any drunk driving, that part fucking sucked.

Anonymous said...

Crushed two 30's of natty ice with the crew and was asked to drive home so it wouldnt take too long. Jeeps got a hemi and got me pulled over.

COP: i was goin 80 and couldnt catch you...

then i turn around and see 3 cops around my car. after 10 minutes the cop hits me with the epic sobriety tests. after passing he admits he didnt record my exact speed on his gun and has to give me a warning.

then proceeded to go to taco bell. fuck yeah.

Anonymous said...

I witnessed a great broment a few weeks ago. two of my bros almost got into a fight...they were arguing who the better drunk driver was.

Browen said...

My first drunk driving experience was amazingly powerful in leading me to having many other bro-tastic moments like it. I was chilling with some of my bros after a night of throwing down brews and shots. My bros are not fuckers so they obviously asked me to drive home. I, being the bro I am, did not worry about the "consequences" because consequences are for pussies and bro-haters. After driving on the back roads for a solid 20 minutes I realized I was on the wrong side of the road. Me and my bros all had a solid fist pound and they passed me another brew. We all got home totally safe. Doesn't sound to crazy? I was fucking 14. Drinking, driving, drinking and drivig, stealing a car, stealing alcohol. I was and still am a fucking bro.

Anonymous said...

Go ahead, call me a bro-hater, but I'll have the last laugh when they scrape your loser asses off the asphalt with a goddamn spatula. Ignorant fucks...

Anonymous said...

Epic post bros. One of the bros in my fraternity told me what has to be the most legendary drunk driving stories ive ever heard the other day. This bros nickname is "Drunk Guy" for obvious reasons. Anyway, in High School, hes at some house party blackout as usual and hes trying to drive to 7-11. Some bro-haters at the party take his keys away and hide them. Nice try douchebags, its gonna take a lot more than that to stop the drunk guy. He finds the keys drives to 7-11 and when he gets there these four black dudes jump the shit out of him and tell him to give them his car. Since drunk guy is fucking plastered he just hands over the keys and sits down on the curb eating his 7-11. Eventually a few of his friends realize hes missing and go find him at the 7-11. When they find out his car has been stolen they call the cops, who show up and start asking drunk guy some questions about what happened. It doesnt take long for them to see my bro is hammered and they ask him how his car got to 7-11 in the first place. Drunk Guy says "I drove it here you idiot". BAM charged with a DUI. Obviously since drunk guys a bro he ended up getting the charges reduced and his car back.

Anonymous said...

News alert: the drunk driver is the follower who other people take advantage of for rides. They want to feel cool but are being used to take the fall, and they are too stupid to realize it. Many of you are also too stupid to realize that this entire website is making fun of you.

Robert Batson said...

My bro decided to make the 4 minute drive home. Flipped his car and landed on all 4, got pulled over vacuuming glass from the windshield out at the gas station at 4:30, taken in for DUI. Dad's a lawyer-charges dropped. Bro

Anonymous said...

Check it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5W5FY18AOEI

Anonymous said...

Nothing like waking up the next morning and fighting with your bros to take you back downtown to pick up your car. After getting in a yelling match and forcing your bro to get his ass up and out the door, you see your car in the parking lot. Neither of you remembered that you drove home. priceless.

Anonymous said...

The one reason I love going home to visit on breaks during college is drunk driving. Unfortunately many of my bros are now sucking the brocist juices from society's dick. Over spring break after drinking all night, I shotgunned four beers and played a fucking awesome game of suits on crack. I drove home, in the pouring rain, with double vision. When I told my 'bros' about this the next day, they said I was stupid....not a single fist bump.

My local slampiece says its bad, but she does it all the time. She's more bro than the guys I thought were bros.

Anonymous said...

1:55am rolls around and the bars gettin lame so me and a bro decide to find a slam piece and get the fuck out. 15minutes later we're getting in my truck and these bitches complain that they dont want to get in the truck with a drunk driver.. 'Fucking sluts' my buddy yells. So I spin my tires and drive our asses home and call up some new younger ass cause bros love younger pussy. Nuff said

Anonymous said...

one night me and my bro were the last 2 bros standing. my other bros wanted to sleep but i was like fuck that shit i dont sleep until all the alcohol is dead. so we loaded my car with things to throw off the train tressel. tv's, fire extinguisher, bowling balls, and a baby stroller. we smoked pcp and sword fought to the death 100 feet above the ground. then on the way home we did 100mph over a hilltop in my car and i parked the wrecked vehicle in someones backyard. when the guy yelled at us we said go back inside and fuck your fat wife. in short drunk driving is one of the most epic things you and your bros can do. bro power!

Anonymous said...

i cant remember this but my bros tell me i left my bros house one nite blackout shitfaced and fell off his stairs and woke up with a concussion. after breaking into his neighbors house thinking it was my home and getting kicked out i then drove to my real house probably with quadruple shitface concussion vision and woke up naked on my floor in a puddle of urine and blood and vomit. to this day i cant recall wut really happened.

Anonymous said...

last summer me and my bros threw a huge party at this house we were staying at a couple blocks from our college campus...we made copious amounts of jungle juice and shit was getting out of control, slampieces were getting railed in the upstairs beds it was epic...the cops eventually came and arrested a bunch of brohaters but obviously didnt touch us bros. Anyway everybody started passing out but I had to meet up with a slampiece on the other side of campus. Shitfaced I grabbed my keys and walked out no questions asked by my bros. This is where the blackout begins. I came too 2 hours later standing barefoot in a construction site near campus, no phone, keys, wallet, shoes and most importantly no car. I ran 4 blocks back to the house dazed and rallied my bros. After some detective work we found out that the cops found my car still running crashed into a sign with our schools name on it. The same sign that is on our campus website and brochures. All the cops found was a taquito and chocolate milk (yes I drove to 7/11 walked in barefoot and purchased these items before trying to make it through campus) they didnt find any alcohol and never caught me so they couldnt attach me to the scene of the crime. Got away scot-free! My parents picked up the car and I was forced to tell them...sorry for partying

Moral of the story, bros are even the smartest people in the world when they are blackout...drinking and driving makes for funny stories

Bros are the shit

Richardo said...

Usually when I know i'm driving drunk home, I try not to puke .

One party i broke this rule, gave my friend the keys.

i had to call my friend how i got home in the AM. And my balls dropped to the floor when he said I drove us lolololol

Bro's FTW!

Anonymous said...

One problem with this article, I'm in DC, and DC is not a "big city", Bros need to fact check bros.

Anonymous said...

this woman came to my high school before senior prom. she drove drunk to her prom a few years prior and killed two people. she was serving hard time for manslaughter....this really turned me off driving drunk...




...until i realized taco bell was open until 4am.

KTBro said...

We have one bro in our crew that drives drunk regularly. He doesn't drive the speed limit or come to complete stops. You better believe that he cranks the music, drives as fast as possible, and of course is texting slampieces. One night he drove home from a summer party tanked. Near his house he saw a nice open soccer field. Seeing it was 3 AM and he had nothing else to do, he cut some donuts in that fucking soccer field. The next day he was riding with his father into town and his father saw the ruts in the grass. Having also seen the dirt and grass on his son's car, all he could so was shake his head in approval. He was proud to see that he had created a son much like himself, a true bro.

Anonymous said...

Clearly that console beside my drivers seat is to be treated as a cooler. What the fuck else would it be for? DD or "adventure driving" needs a steady fuel supply to be properly experienced. Having only one free hand to operate the vehicle can also help take the exercise up to proper bro-cred if other boosters like major highway, middle of the day, heavy traffic, etc. aren't available to give a bro the challenge he needs.

I have been pulled over on suspicion twice, lied my ass off, and refused to perform all roadside tests or give a breath sample. By the time I get cuffed, driven to the station, and take advantage of the mandatory 20mins before you can give a sample to the breath unit at the station, Warmachine (my liver) does his magic. There's not much as satisfying as chilling in the back of a cruiser with the cuffs off while the arresting officer has to chauffeur you back to your ride.

Anonymous said...

last week one of my bros from high school opened a bar in the suburbs (45 miles away from down town Chicago, where i live)Anyway I drove out there knowing i was going to get fucked up, but figured that i would just meet a girl that lives by there and crash at her place... Aafter hours of getting free shots and not paying for a single beer i blacked the fuck out. The next morning i woke up naked in some girls bed that i never meet b4 , and after she gave me the play by play of all the ass-hole things i was doing the night b4 i realized that i was about a mile away from my apartment and that i drove 45 miles blacked out and went to a 4 a.m bar because the bars in the burbs close at 2...

Brosus, King of the Jews said...

Bros, here's a story you DC motherfuckers will appreciate. A few years ago me and my bro went to a Taco Bell, loaded up on fuckin' tacos and shit, got a big ass jumbo size cup of pepsi, poured half that shit out and filled it up with vodka. Then we got some 40s, and drove from our rich fucking town in Northern Virginia on Route 66 into DC, chugging them 40s and throwing the empties out the window, and drinking that fucking vodka.

When we got to the Black Cat in DC with the soda and vodka cup still in our hands, the bouncer told us to get rid of the cup. We could have thrown the cup away and got in, but since we weren't gay little pussies, we told that bouncer to shut the fuck up. I called him a fat chink, and my bro knocked his glasses off his face while everyone around us cheered. Anyway needless to say that bro hater didn't let us in, so we chugged that vodka and laid around on the sidewalk shouting at the slampieces that walked by. Woke up the next morning on my couch with my bro on the other couch who turns to me and goes "bro, I don't even fucking remember how we got here."

Drinking, driving on the highway, fighting pussy bouncers, and yelling at slampieces. Bros are the motherfucking shit.

Chris bro king killa said...

My favorite is when you wake up with a brutal hangover and don't remember driving, so you call a bro over to drive you to your car and when he comes and tells you your car is in the driveway. Like how the fuck did I make it home typa shit

kaffman said...

Bro,
so new years eve comes obviously were raging our fucking asses off as bros nomrally do. and of course the host is making sure there is no drinking and driving. being the DDD (designated drunk driver) obviously i wasnt planning on staying sober and driving homet that night, i mean how am i gonna get to my 2 am booty call if i have no car. so walking into her house the fairly retarded drunk of a host asks whos driving and to take the keys of the driver. i give her my keys cuz thats obviously the responsible thing to do...NOT. give her some stupid lego keys that a fucking monkey could tell was not the keys to a 2010 infiniti. midnight comes around and im off to my booty call driving the drunker than a steve taking beer bongs up his ass. Drinking and driving is a way of life, keep bro'n

Anonymous said...

So This one time I was in the down at a pond party(like a beach party but with a pond). When this slam piece wanted my nuts when she got off work at 5am. Seeing how its going on 4am and ive been pounding beers all night i said fuck it why the fuck not. I hop in my truck and end up #142 Blacking Out on the way to her work. I wake up at 7am with my door open, parked infront of her work, and cops standing like 20 feet from my car.

needless to say i didnt get any ass that night.

Anonymous said...

This is so stupid. I don't think any of you would think this post is "bad ass" when its your dad, mom, brother, sister or friend who got hit by one of these idiots who drink and drive. Real bros don't let other bros drink and drive. Who ever thinks otherwise are fuck ups and aren't going anywhere in life.

Anonymous said...

someone posted this on facebook so i thought this was a joke until i read the comments underneath. This is the most insanely stupid thing i can think of anyone doing is supporting drunk driving. It is possibly the most selfish thing a person can do. For the people supporting this "bro"-cool shit of drunk driving and saying it'c cool, you can go crash into a tree or crash into each other. stop endangering other people. It frightens me to see how many people think this is a cool thing to do.

Anonymous said...

I've been drinking and driving since I've first took up the wheel about two years ago, and I can honestly say I'm really not proud to be a fucking french Canadian. You couldn't find juicier pussies than those cocksuckers we got everywhere in our colleges (which we call Cegeps). NYB, you probably are the very only source of motivation to drink and drive I've had in my whole fucking life. I've been called a fucking asshole thousand times, just for blacking out, making fat bitches cry, fighting and fucking driving back home after that. I have to thank you.

Anonymous said...

I had just gotten a sick WRX and had been entertaining clients all day on my parents' new boat. After blacking out all day on the boat my last conscious memory was remembering that I had forgotten a buoy at the bar across the lake so I kicked everyone off (except one of my bras) and headed off into the sunset to retrieve the buoy. Next thing I know I black back in and I'm doing 360's bouncing off guardrails and my car ends up facing the wrong way on the offramp. My car won't start so I bail and run to a buddy's house nearby and pass out. Ended up only getting a leaving the scene ticket because I somehow had the wherewithal to ditch my pipe as I bailed because I am fucking sick. I also parked the boat at our dock fucking perfectly with that buoy obviously in place. Found out later that I had driven from our condo to my bro's, slammed my bra, and took several vicious resin knifers before I stumbled into my car, drove, and got into said accident. Also, I got 20k from my insurance and upgraded to a Benz.

Anonymous said...

As if my boat driving, buoy retrieving, pipe ditching, bra slamming story wasn't indicative enough of the fact that I am a fucking badass I'll proffer one more tale of debauchery from my undergrad days. I was at a pretty legit party and one of my bros got a sudden craving for some Jack in the crack so as a good bro, I offered to drive despite the fact that I was at least 7 shots deep. We hopped in the aforementioned WRX and my bro brought his 30 bomb of Stones with him. He was so drunk that he caused a scene in the drive through but we got our food and headed back to the party. I got pulled over like 70 yards from the house (in plain view of everyone in the front yard who then quickly summoned everyone to come see what was going down). My bro slammed his open beer and managed to stuff the box under the seat and locked it up pretty damn good. The cops told us that they had gotten a call from Jack in the Box that we were drinking. I passed the sobriety tests (in plain view of everyone at the party) like a fucking champ because I'm fucking athletic as fuck and I told them that I was on prescription pain killers for a surgery that I had recently had. They let me go and I went back to the party and got a fucking standing ovation. Obviously I blacked out, and drove home. I found out the next day that I had managed to produce the greatest gem Boise State University has ever witnessed. I asked my bro if he wanted a ride home, and he asked me if I was OK to drive. I said no, but that it was easier to drive when drunk than walk. I made it home, perfectly parked in my spot, opened the door and fell out into the parking lot and passed out. Fuck you cops, I am fucking sick. Also, fuck you Jack in the Box, I will never patronize your anti fun establishment again fucking bro-hating pussies. Its not my fault that I my parents have cash and I don't have to work at a fucking fast-food restaurant on a Friday night.

Anonymous said...

Honestly people might hate but whatev this site is hilarious and all, but d and d is bullshit and people get killed because of it. bro or not, whoeve supports d and d 's in my book are risking other peoples lives... and thats not cool

The Man With Bro Name said...

^Shut up, bro-hater. We're Bros, which means the convenience we gain from driving drunk outweighs the risk to anyone else's life. They're non-bro's anyway, which means our life is worth infinitely more than theirs to begin with.

Anonymous said...

^ You're an idiot. When you drink and drive I can only hope you hit a tree or drive off a cliff instead ruining other peoples lives by killing their family or friend.

Lt Bro said...

I generally find all your posts funny as shit. I just came across this one and honestly it's fucked up. Whether or not you're joking, some kid is going to read this, take it seriously, and kill himself. How about a story?

I work part time as an EMT when I have some time between partying and training for the Marine Corps. A couple weeks ago, I hopped of the ambulance at a car accident. It was about 1:00 AM. At one car, the cops had a dude (clearly drunk as shit, blew a .32) handcuffed. He had a cut on his face, but other than that he was fine so I walked over to the other car...The driver was obviously dead from traumatic asphyxia. His 8 year old son was sitting in the back seat crying "Dad please wake up".

Turns out that the guy in the other car was a junior in college driving to his girlfriend's house. He swerved into the other lane. The father swerved to avoid him, hit a tree, and died within minutes. He was driving his son home from a fishing trip they had taken that weekend.

I'm not a bro hater and I'm not some uptight douche, but if you had heard that kid crying in the backseat, none of you would be posting these ridiculous comments. It's not funny.

Anonymous said...

Bro, this one time after the Chicago Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup and me and my bros got wasted off Irish Car Bombs and tequila shots all night, I got in my car to drive home and got pulled over and arrested and given a DUI.

Great story.

jlo said...

Left the bar, pretending not to be as wasted as i real was to make myself feel better. cruisin. takin backways. spot a cop with his headlights off... i speed up the hill, turn on a side street.. pull into a driveway.. turn lights off.. cop flys by with his sirens. bro strategy

Brotein said...

every bro knows to take a couple key bumps before that drive.. works everytime.

Broner said...

SO I KNOW ITS NOT COOL TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS BUT I HAVE THE ULTIMATE FUCKING BRO DRUNK DRIVING STORY. YOU WONT FUCKING BELIEVE IT! So me and some bros are in Tijuana, Mexico slammin some major latin pieces with our broners. We obviously get completely shit hammered and even hit up a farmacia to really get down with these putas. Anyways, while were there we meet some American bras too who need a ride cause they took the trolley there. As a true bro, we took my car. So were on the way back and I'm drunk and all fucked up with a car full of fucked up bros and bras, pulling up to the fuckin US-Mexico border. I pull up and the cop asks me, "what nationality are you" and I say, "African American" even though I'm a fuckin white bro. He laughs and leans in and asks everyone the same, my bros are so wasted they're slurring and were all under 21 btw, hence going to TJ. He goes you 2 step out of the vehicle, long story short they both have to go downtown to the drunk tank leaving me with 2 bras left in the car. They don't even suspect me and I drive off. Next part is even crazier. TRUST ME! So I'm driving back to the college me and the bras go to and I'm mad-swerving my vehicle and right as I'm pulling into the parking garage, almost home free, theres a fuckin blockade of cop cars stopping me from going in. Its a drunk driving checkpoint!! So they get me and the 2 bras out of the car and before they're asking me all these questions and things aren't lookin good for me. Then all of this sudden I hear them yell "shes got a meth pipe!" One of the bras smuggled a pipe and a shit ton of meth back from Mexico I'm like WTF? Then the officer comes up to me and he's all "we've been after her actually she's been selling a bunch of students here meth. Weve even had an undercover officer following her and other dealers." Then he lifts his eye brows and does this weird eye twitch. I fuckin do it back and I say, "I'll be on my way then." He said "ok" and I parked my car and walked home. TRUE FUCKIN STORY, DONT BELIEVE IT? SDSU HAD A HUGE DRUG RAID FEW MONTH LATER NATIONAL NEWS GOOGLE IT. Thank you for reading the best bro drunk driving story ever.

Peace Bros

Anonymous said...

At age 19 I was almost killed by a drunk driver who swerved across the center line after "avoiding an oncoming car in [his] lane" that didn't exist. The combined impact was that of hitting a brick wall at 80 mph. I received the only injuries. I was on my second date; instead of second base, I got 53 stitches, 19 x-rays and a CAT scan. Great time, lemme tell ya.

Driving drunk is a great thing. It is why people like me didn't score on the second date and instead got to spend 8 hours overnight in a hospital, and then spent a full two weeks recovering. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the drunk driver loved paying the $65,000.00 settlement, and I'm sure all of you will also. Got around 5 figures to spare? No? Then you probably shouldn't drink before getting behind the wheel. Got the conscience to spare when you kill the mother of two? No? Then you probably shouldn't drink before getting behind the wheel.

I'm a bro hater. Fuck bro's. You're all worthless pieces of shit, I will fully acknowledge that you cannot tell your ass from your elbow. But bear my story in mind, and perhaps a couple of you might be discouraged from being a complete dumbass next time you consider getting behind the wheel while intoxicated.

Oh, and the driver who just killed one of my coworkers while driving drunk is spending 8 years behind bars with no possibility of parole.
No lawyer can save you if you fail a breathalyzer after killing someone.

:) Happy testin!

Bros said...

^It's too bad that guy DIDN'T actually kill you - it would have meant one less bro-hating pussy in the world.

Drunk Driving is the shit. True Bros can handle their drunk driving just fine. Fuck, we drive better drunk than most civilians (that's what my bros and I refer to non-bros as) drive sober. We're just fucking genetically blessed with good reflexes and general awesomeness that entitles us to drive while being as fucked up as we want.

I got pulled over for a DUI once. But all I had to do was call my dad (who called his buddy the DA) and I got off scott-free. You better fucking believe that Bros are above the law, especially when it comes to drunk driving.

Go fuck yourself, bro hater. Bros rule.

Anonymous said...

Bro, last week I was at a baseball game. Snuck 2 water bottles of vodka in my pants. One of my bros also snuck a water bottle in. I remember finishing the first 16.9 oz of liqueur and starting the second. The next thing I remember is waking up at a party at 4 in the fuckin morning. Absolutely hammered. I asked where my fuckn car was and my bros showed it to me. I apparently drove but they had to help me out of the car. The side of my car was covered in puke abd my window was open. No puke on the inside! A bra came up to me with a breathalyzer and I blew a .3 and she said it came down a lot! Fir the next 2 days I couldn't eat I was so hungover. Good times living as a boss.

Anonymous said...

This is the stupidest thing I have ever read. Grow the fuck up before you hurt yourself or someone else

Anonymous said...

Noon in the daytime and midnight in the night time???!?!?! Hahahahahahaha fucking idiot

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha you just promoted it by saying you hope a drunk driver hits us!? Totaly bro of you to still love drunk driving!!!! Hahahaha fuck tard

Anonymous said...

Then why are you reading 'bros like this site'??? To try and bro up?? Hahaha loser

Joseph Moore said...

Bro? What bro would let their other bro drink and drive to possiblly lead them to death? You guys are pathetic, immature, and need to grow the fuck up. It's sad that they're are actually people out there like you, who don't care about other peoples lives on the line. Think about it. What would you do if your "bro" was driving somewhere and got hit by a drunk driver and died instantly. What would you feel? Nothing, i guess, because you guys are heartless.

Anonymous said...

Try chuggin two pint sized Fosters (Manliest beers available in most convenient stores) and three more Budweisers (fuck light beer) party at a concert, and driving to an after party. Then drinkin half a big bottle of Captain in one swig and another fourth in another swig, then leaving the party by yourself (driving) and not returning for like an hour. No one, including myself, knew where I went. I drove straight enough not to get pulled over and I drove several people home that night

Anonymous said...

Me driving drunk isn't really a good idea since the 96 Ford Ranger is a manual transmission and using a clutch and shifting is just not going to end up well.

Anonymous said...

I keep an eyepatch in my glovebox for those times when I'm cross-eyed and can't see the damn lines on the interstate. Funny website...

Colin Parsons said...

I'm up in Vancouver BC... Couldn't pick up any sauce till 9am when the liquor store opens... Proceeded to drink all day drinking n driving all day... Started with a 3 beer rally oooohhhh yyeeeaaahhhh!!!! Told myself no more after that... Gave my keys to my bro OK OK OK I won't drive.... But I had the magnet key holder for my spare underneath hahaha at 3 am he went in the house to crash out... Shit doors locked no keys... Lightbulb... Spare key!!!! Off to the BRO 500!!!!! I had double vision so bad I would close one eye but then I would drift to the side... Figured out in my total drunken state to switch eyes closed back n forth to drive straight!!! Mad bro-cred there boys!! Made it home safe n sound.... Blacked out along the way at some point... In the morning... Perfect parallel park straight wheels... Doors unlocked windows down keys in the magnet underneath... Me sleeping in the back seat still PISSSSEEEDDD drunk getting woke up by the police sun shining... Lucky the keys werent inside!!!

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