It’s 3 AM. You’ve been pounding brews and dominating the beer pong table at your bro’s place for the past 6 hours. He’s about to go nail the last bra at the party who’s not comatose. That’s when you get the text: “What ru up to?” It’s your slam piece. She wants to fuck. You are now faced with two options: you can stick around the party and pass out in the living room with like 6 other bros, or you can make the 10 mile trip via the highway to go spend some quality time with the bra. That's when you remember: I'm a bro - you better believe I'm fucking drinking and driving.
Sure there are some serious cons to drinking and driving but believe me, the pros far outweigh them. “But, Ned’s Younger Brother, can’t you go to jail?” Listen, bitch, I don’t know if you could tell by my ankle socks, but I am a straight bro, therefore I have an uncle who’s a high powered attorney, plus like 6 friends in Law School. Whenever a cop reads me my rights, I give him his rights to work at McDonald’s the rest of his career. But let’s just say you don’t have bros on retainer like I do. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t drink and drive. Here’s some examples that even Mother’s Against Drunk Driving would have to respect:
Cheaper – I’m lucky enough to live in a big city – DC, but honestly most of you bros out there probably don’t have the luxury of illegal Somali immigrants begging to take you home in unmarked cabs every night you go out. Chances are the party/bar you go to is pretty fucking far from your house too. So what are you gonna do? Pay $65 for a cab ride home? Fuck no - you're gonna drive your ass! And honestly, if some Anonymous posts in the comments section, “How about just having a designated driver??” I promise I will find you and block you from this site. You are a true bro-hater.
Mad Bro-Cred – Everyone has that one bro who drinks and drives every fucking time he goes out. It doesn’t matter how drunk he gets, he will always be behind the wheel, and you know what? No one ever has a problem getting into his car. That’s because he is renown amongst your bros as an amazing drunk driver. Sure he’s gotten pulled over before when he was hammered, but he always passes the field tests, no matter what. He even claims he drives better when he’s hammered because he’s more careful. He is an extremely important member of your bro-posse and he gets mad respect from everyone in your crew.
Great Stories – Some of the best stories from going out end with the phrase, “And then I fucking drove home!” If you are honestly able to say you pounded like 15 shots of Patron, then drove home, you might have what it takes to be a bro-king. Just a couple weeks ago one of my bros was driving a fellow bro and his bra home and they looked over – uh, yeah, his eyes were closed AND he was driving on the wrong side of the road. Straight bro-ing it!! Another time one of my bros was driving down the highway and he had such double vision that he had to close one of his eyes to drive. Typical bro behavior.
So all you bro-haters/family members of people killed in drinking and driving accidents out there, I don’t want to hear it. Drinking and Driving is the shit and that is a fact. Please feel free to share some of your great experiences drinking behind the wheel and how it made you a better bro.