Tuesday, June 16, 2009

#34 Throwback Jerseys

Much like #13 Slappin’ Skin and #29 Grinding, wearing throwback jerseys began as a trend amongst the Black community. Obviously bros had to get in on this shit. But while Black guys would fork over $250 for the Mitchell & Ness Willie Stargell ’79 Pirates jersey, bros had a better idea: eBay. For the small price of $20, anyone can add an incredible amount of bro-cred just by throwing on their new threads. Trust me, nothing feels better than having a fellow bro come up to you and say, “Dude, your jersey is fucking hilarious,” then taking a picture with you facing away from the camera. This is basically the equivalent of girls complimenting each other on their shoes. Are you not getting the bro-cred you believe you deserve? Then pick a jersey with one of these characteristics and I guarantee you will get laid.

Topical/Controversial Jersey – This basically refers to a jersey that no one would really ever have except for the fact that they have been in the news recently, preferably for something illegal. For example, a couple years back the hot jerseys were Duke Lacrosse for obvious reasons. I’m actively searching for Rae Carruth Panthers jersey, but I think I might just go with a safe choice: a University of Tennessee Donte Stallworth. Much more topical, plus Stallworth is obviously a bro (#23 Drinking and Driving.)

Fictitious Jersey – Say you are a die hard Cleveland Indians fan. There's a good chance the last four players whose jerseys you bought are now on different teams. It’s time to sack up and buy that Willie Mays Hayes jersey you've had your eye on on eBay. When bros see other bros wearing jerseys of movie characters they do a double take, that’s when they realize how fucking awesome the jersey is. They then start a slow clap andwill congratulate you on how awesome you are because of the clothes you are wearing. Other examples of sick fictitious jerseys include a #42 Beavers jersey from Teen Wolf, #99 Lattimer from The Program, or if you are the designated fat bro the #69 Billy Bob jersey from Varsity Blues.

White NBA Player Jerseys – Amongst bros, there is nothing as funny as old white basketball players. Perhaps the funniest type of jersey a bro can get is a white basketball player from the 90’s. And the whiter, the better. I scoured eBay for months for a Tom Gugliotta, Jud Bucheler or Jeff Hornacek, but much like a woman quickly counting down the days until she is barren, I had to settle. Rik Smits. Also, please note, if you ever see someone wearing a Greg Ostertag Jazz jersey, do NOT approach them. You are in the presence of a Bro King and you are in no way worthy of talking to him.

139 comments:

BENNY BOY said...

Ned's Younger Brother-
Once again well done Bro. I would like to add one more category. "Sexual References". I have been known to wear my Rudy Gay jersey while walking next to my fellow bro wearing his Kevin Love jersey. Other popular combinations (you can mix and match) Former Yankee Homer Bush, Florida State WR De'Cody Fagg, Former Quebec Goalie Ron Tuggnut, Chicago Bear Dick Butkus, Cards Slugger Albert Pujols, Former Pirate Outfielder Johnny Dickshot. And last but not least, I thought it was an urban legend, but I looked him up and he does exist- and yes you are a fucking broking if you can find this jersey former Washington Bullet CHUBBY COX.

Anonymous said...

-Bryant "Big Country" Reeves (Vancouver Grizzlies)

spank said...

most unbelieveable greatest jersey i have ever seen was a dolphins fan wearing a Ray Finkel jersey. absolutley awesome

Anonymous said...

what about Chris Mullin or Shaun Bradley?

Anonymous said...

Detlef Schrempf. Enough said.

Anonymous said...

drazen petrovic, what?

Anonymous said...

michael vick cleveland browns

The Ill Lettuce said...

I just picked up a nice throwback OJ Simpson jersey to celebrate his fucking sick chase 15 years ago today. Also Im looking to pick up a Strawberry jersey, the illest coke head to ever play baseball. I like the Mike Vick jersey Idea.
Bros are the shit

Anonymous said...

Eric Lindros Quebec Nordiques

Anonymous said...

As a huge Charlotte Hornets fan growing up, I had jerseys from Rex Chapman, Kelly Tripuka and Kurt Rambis. I would have killed for a Jack Sikma Bucks jersey or sticking with the Jazz, a Mark Eaton one.

Anonymous said...

Barry Bonds Pittsburg Pirates (Size Medium)

Anonymous said...

What no one has a Ron Mexico Atlanta Falcons Jersey? No one got one before the NFL banned people from buying them?

Anonymous said...

who is ron mexico

Anonymous said...

worst jersey...alex ovechkin

Anonymous said...

ron mexico= michael vick's alias at the std clinic


might i add ray finkle jersey is genious

Anonymous said...

Ray Finkle is great.

If you can get a Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez LA Dodgers jersey, thats pretty solid. Nothing soft about the sandlot.

Len Bias celtics jersey is high on the list.

holy grail: Bo Jackson half-raiders, half royals jersey.

Anonymous said...

I could confidently approach any Ostertag-wearing Bro King as long as I was wearing my teal #50 Vancouver Grizzlies Bryant "Big Country" Reeves jersey.

Anonymous said...

you certainly could bro

Ned's Younger Brother said...

I love all this shit - Vick on the Browns would be dirty - Big Country would be sick, especially if you got the crew cut to go with it - definitely looked for the Detlef Schrempf jersey on eBay too - give me a Portman Mighty Ducks jersey, he was such a bro

Ned's Younger Brother said...

Also - the Ray Finkel jersey would be legendary

John said...

Baseketball Beers #44 Cooper Jersey

Josh said...

I am pissed I gave away my big country jersey a long time ago, but I acquired a Dan Marjele all star jersey to revive my bro levels. I think stallworth is more of a bro for killing someone and only getting 25 days in jail.

Ned's Younger Brother said...

Stallworth is such a bro - check out the t-shirt shop for bros everywhere's salute to him.

Anonymous said...

MY Bias jersey kills'em everytime

Anonymous said...

are jerseys of complete draft busts acceptable? In the summer time I am usually sporting my 1995 New Jersey Nets Ed O'Bannon jersey. And I completely agree about the BROstertag jersey.

Anonymous said...

Bros love buying jerseys related to smoking. Some examples are buying the Trailblazers jersey that only says "Blazers" or Denver "Nugs" or phoenix suns "PHX", a type of bong.

Ned's Younger Brother said...

Definitely a good point - If Jeff Smoker ever got his shit together his threads would be huge.

Anonymous said...

An Indians Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn or a Cubs Chet Steadman

BROhemian Rhapsody said...

Drazen Petrovic is sick i need that

akats86 said...

i actually own a len bias celtics jersey and only break it out for rare occasions

BRODONNEL said...

Agree with every jersey stated thus far, i must say ray finkle may top them all though...

One point that I believe was failed to mention were old school white players jerseys in college. I have a Chris Mullin on st Johns. Anyone that can find a college jersey or a 1 game played by some random dude jersey is without a doubt a bro in my mind. Anyone have some good old school college jerseys?

Anonymous said...

Great list so far bros, don't forget about a Blazer's Arvydas Sabonis. A SaBROnis would be most impressive. Fuckin bros are ill as hell.

Anonymous said...

old school mighty ducks goldberg jersey.

Anonymous said...

if were talking white players, you forgot the whitest of the white players... Brian Scalabrine. He is the fucking man because he is a slow ass overwhite ginger, and i love him for that. I actually have a friend who looks exactly like him and were working on getting him a throwback jersey cause thats fucking hilarious. I mean this man barely plays and he talked shit after they won the championship... i love it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UUBC8NoQgA

Anonymous said...

latrell Sprewell jerseys and any player associated with the Pacers/Pistons brawl are always solid choices. Dont forget that unlike black guys, Bros should always wear throwback jerseys a size or two smaller so it fits like a wife beater.

terry bro'reilly said...

Any hockey jersey is key

Anonymous said...

Paul Pierce High School Jersey. Nothing like rockin the Inglewood

Anonymous said...

Can I get a Luke Longley bulls or Randy Johnson mariners jersey for bro sake

Anonymous said...

Mark "Mad Dog" Madsen Lakers jersey. nuff said

Anonymous said...

I dont think anyone mentioned the most ballin white boy ever to lace up for an NBA game who goes by the name of Bob Sura, a def. bro for sure.

Anonymous said...

No one mentioned an old school Jazz jersey with "Lurch" on the back, the white center in Celtic Pride

Anonymous said...

How about a Rasheed Wallace, Atlanta Hawks jersey. Where he played one game for them before leaving for Detroit.

Cristiano BROnaldo said...

I'm thinking about getting a zaza pachulia jersey because uncoordinated eastern Europeans with deformities make me laugh. Plus, it's my home team.

Anonymous said...

My first NBA jersey was a Dennis Rodman Bulls Jersey. I got it in the fourth grade and you can bet that little bro me from the past rocked that cross dressing freaks jersey on the playground with no T on underneath. For the past several years I have searched my attic for this jersey having lost it somewhere around sixth grade, I believe my bro hating mom may have done the unthinkable.

brOrlando said...

J.J. Redick is white, is a roll player in the NBA, and went to Duke, a LAX haven. My fellow bros in central FLA all agree he is a bro+1. I want to see that bro out downtown and buy him a shot of rumplemintz. Bros fuckin rock.


Are you another one of those Hard Copy guys?

No sir, I'm just a very big Finkle fan. This is my Graceland sir.

Anonymous said...

Johnny Utah throw back Brohio State jersey anyone?

Anonymous said...

Oldschool Divac jersey or really any nba jam character would be pretty bro, I just picked up a ryan leaf jersey the other day also

doubleBRO 7 said...

bro, wheres the natty caddys

Anonymous said...

Chris "Birdman" Andersen jersey. He is a bro

Anonymous said...

My OJ Simpson Bills Jersey is the broest shit I own.

Anonymous said...

Anything from mighty ducks is large.

Anonymous said...

Ricky Williams Toronto Argonauts jersey. Guy loves weed enough to get suspended from the NFL.

Anonymous said...

one of my bros from high school had an Eric Montross raptors jersey. Just an awful white basketball player and he wore 00. hilarious jersey.

Anonymous said...

i love rockin my kings jason williams jersey. also props for a nets jason williams jersey cause he took a shotgun to his butler

Brocals Only said...

Bros, I've recently been wearing the #9 Johnny Utah jersey from Ohio State and have never received more random bro high fives.

Hey Utah, make it two..

Scott BROsius said...

Nice post bro. Throwbacks are fuckin classic. I've been searching for a Jeff Hornacek for months now. eBay has recently helped me land Dan Majerle on the Suns and a stitched Jerry West Lakers jersey. The Greg Ostertag is definitely epic, as is the Rik Smits. Serious bro cred to the people that come up with the most random, awesome jerseys.

Nicholas SarBROsky said...

Larry Bird Dream Team jersey...bro as shit because not only is it a rich white guy, dut is represents the USA beating down on the rest of the world. USA=bro as shit

Anonymous said...

Got an Ostertag jersey when he played for the Sac Kings. Not as Holy as a Jazz one but it is framed in my room.

Bronan the Barbarian said...

Referencing 'Major League'...What about a Gentry jersey? The dude who gets cut from the team...It'd be epic in my opinion.

Pedro CerranBro said...

Hands down broest jersey of all time. #20 celtics jersey with the name "shuttlesworth" on the back

BROmar Vizquel said...

Zydrunas Ilgauskas > Greg Ostertag

Anonymous said...

ficticious jerseys r quite bro which is y im plannin on coppin me an #K9 Air bud jersey

Anonymous said...

throw back MJ baby blue unh jersey gets you laid. no questions asked

Bro4Sho said...

Michael Jordan Toon Squad jersey.
Also, John 'Blackout' Gatling from Little Big League was a total bro (especially cuz he chewed tons of tobacco, and using tobacco is bro as shit).

Anonymous said...

Ron Artest
Bro doesnt take shit from anyone and he drank Hennessy during halftime with the Bulls

Anonymous said...

Gilbert Arenas high school jersey would be really hot, but it appears to be nonexistent, nothing is more bro than high school/ college jerseys

Anonymous said...

I think an added jersey type should be "Throwbacks of your teams": Some might not love an Auburndale Tracy McGrady HS Jersey, but if you like the Rockets you would. Also got a Keyshawn Johnson Jets jersey I use for Good luck, Dajuan Wagner Retro Cavs jersey, and a Tayshaun Prince Kentucky Legendary Kentucky jersey.

Looking for a Fulton Reed Mighty Ducks jersey and a St. Johns Ron Artest Jersey. The dude drank during Halftimes, and even merced a fan in the crowd. The bro even had this to say after the incident: "Fortunately beer doesn't harm your eyes, you can just wipe it out."

Broseph Addai said...

C'mon bros, I'm always reppin my Cavs throwback Mark Price jersey. LeBron dosen't have shit on Price.

Kamau said...

Tell me this isn't epic a Throwback Pele Brazil Jersey.

Anonymous said...

throwback Steve Kerr jersey. bros are the shit

Anonymous said...

jerry west wvu throwback

Anonymous said...

Just got my throwback Kurt Rambis Lakers jersey. Fuckin sweet

my dad owns you said...

my bros and I are on the lookout for a mighty ducks coach bombay jersey, who ever finds it first is a bro among gods

Brony Montana said...

Ahh bro that would be epic. One of my bros has a Hans mighty ducks jersey and it gets the sorostitutes so moist.

Anonymous said...

Dennis BROdman all black with red pinstripes

Anonymous said...

Gilbert Arenas Bullets jersey

Anonymous said...

raef lafretz nuggets jersey, anyone?

Anonymous said...

how about a kenny powers jersey? the message it sends it clear and undeniable: i am a fucking bro king, ready to depart for pound town, accompanied by an epic slam piece.

danny said...

I am hoping manager jerseys are made because a ron washington jersey would be cool as shit

Anonymous said...

John Rocker #49 Braves Jersey. Controversial and he sprinted out to the mound. Total Bro move.

Anonymous said...

greatest fictitious jersey is by far charlie conway - mighty ducks

Anonymous said...

nikoloz tskitishvili, dawgs

only was could be better is if it was throwback navy blue and block letter nuggs jersey

Anonymous said...

I own a Nenad Krstic Nets jersey.

Shoeless Bro Jackson said...

Jay Buhner. Suck my balls.

Anonymous said...

All-star Kareem and Magic..not a laker fan but couldnt resist wanting to own them.

Anonymous said...

Shawn Bradley 1993 rookie jersey from when he was with the Sixers.

Anonymous said...

I have a John Havlicek throwback Celtics jersey from 1962

Anonymous said...

Charleston Chiefs Hanson Jersey

Anonymous said...

If you're a celts fan, then the bias is key, but also the Scalabrine. The hockey jersey is definitely big ups, but if you get a Chiefs jersey from the movie SlapShot is a big conversation piece

Anonymous said...

Portland trailblazers jersey that just says "rip city" on the front of it....fuckin bro

Anonymous said...

how about a late 90's pat garrity or andrew declerq magic jersey? bro as fuck.

broseph said...

i got 2 jj redick jerseys and a red sonics brent barry jersey.

Big Game said...

I have a Grant Hill Pistons jersey and a Steve Young jersey from when he played for the LA Express in the USFL. Also, it would be hilarious if anybody had a Rusty Kuntz (former player and now a 1st base coach) Detroit Tigers/Kansas City Royals jersey.

Anonymous said...

bros, we can't forget about John Stockton and Tony Kukoc.

Fred Savage said...

Thunder Dan Suns Black Alternate
Warriors Spree
Jason Williams Nets

Crushing the Parker House this summer.

Anonymous said...

#55 Kenny Powers Atlanta jersey

BROchocinco said...

Chris Mullins Warriors jersey
Steve Nash BROncos jersey

Anonymous said...

Kevin Duckworth, Blazers. That is all.

Georges Chaynt Pierre said...

Two jerseys that i've been rocking lately are #10 Dean Youngblood (so clutch) and #3 Nigel "the leg" Gruff. The canadian bros just fucking love youngblood

Anonymous said...

Clark Griswold - double zero - chicago blackhawks

Anonymous said...

http://cgi.ebay.com/JEFF-NORNACEK-THROWBACK-NBA-UTAH-JAZZ-JERSEY-RARE-M-40-/230492417697?cmd=ViewItem&pt=US_Basketball_Fan_Shop&hash=item35aa6b2ea1#ht_5173wt_911

fucking golden except its a medium

Bronas Salk, curer of Brolio said...

Hahaha I used to have an Ostertag jersey back in third fucking grade when he was still playing. My teacher looked at me like she wanted to jerk me off under my desk every time I wore it. God damn, I was cool as shit.

Anonymous said...

i have wilt chamberlain high school jersey. dude fucked 100,000 girls. bro as shit

Anonymous said...

Another awesome kind of shirt is the fake team jersey. Not necessarily a fake team but the kind of team at your school that doesn't play in a league and is really more of a club. I'm talking about ultimate frisbee jerseys. They're usually just T-Shirts with logos on the front and a fake number and last name on the back. I was number 69 and my last name was "Heath's OD" (we kind of did what you said on fantasy football teams). On the front was Elmer Fudd catching a frisbee and it said "Hunter Hunters Varsity Ultimate". I also have a "Hunter Varsity Sumo Wrestling Jersey" with which I'm number 420.

Anonymous said...

It's unfortunate fucking hipsters have started stealing these sweet jerseys from us. I want to punch them right in their faggot horned rimmed glasses.

Anonymous said...

Yo Broski, I have an old school sacramento kings bobby hurly jersey i bought after the draft but before the car wreck. Shit is tight.

On another note bros dont play with frisbees, granola eating hippy bro poser.

I did play on a flag football team named "TheRapists" my name was big ben, number 7

Anonymous said...

Gunner stahl from Iceland or Gordon Bombay hawks would be legendary. Also a bill Murray toon squad jersey.

Anonymous said...

John Stockton jazz jersey is the way to go. also, i think i should mention, rudy gay is the worst jersey you could wear. btw jeff hornacek went to my high school

Anonymous said...

Im telling you bros right now, its all about the t-mac, toronto raptors jersey

Anonymous said...

if you bros can find a Bubba Wells MAVS jersey or a Gilbert Arenas UofA or Golden State jersey, you will get laid on the spot!

l said...

#44 Oklahoma sooners football Jersey.
Brosworth.
For the bros in the south.

Anonymous said...

how about a San Diego Chargers Eli Manning jersey?

Anonymous said...

jason sehorn and a mike piazza marlins jersey

Anonymous said...

A modern day great, Brian Scalabrine Celtics jersey

hosbetweenbros said...

How about a #1 Henry Rowengartner Cubs jersey. That guys throws gas and I'm sure he plows truckloads of sluts. Bros are tight.

Brovak Brjokovic said...

Drazen Petrovic Nets throwback, whats good?

Anonymous said...

Michael Vick - Atlanta Falcons. Enough said.

Anonymous said...

i know he's a black guy but u gotta respect the dr.J sixers jersey. also, what do u bros think of pete maravich jazz throwbacks?

Ali G as BROrat... Sexytime said...

fuck it buy a Boston Celtics Scalabrine jersey... that guy looks like he belongs at Best Buy not in the NBA... Celtics still own shit though.

Paul Brosluszny said...

XFL New York/New Jersey Hitmen home jersey, still supporting the home team a decade later.

Anonymous said...

Bros MJ tunesquad space jam jersey by far the most ill jersey of all time MJ gambles and cheats on his wife and spacejam is the shit

Anonymous said...

Craig Ehlo. CAVS Jersey circa 1995

Anonymous said...

New York Yankees away jersey, number 00 "Costanza"

Anonymous said...

as much as i hate the yankees, that costanza one is clutch

#99 Fletch lakers jersey, 6 foot 5, 6'9" with the afro

Anonymous said...

In 5 days I went on a spree and bought Supersonics Detlef Schrempf jersey, Raptors Tracy McGrady jersey with the cartoon raptor on the front, black Suns Barkley throwback jersey, Arvydas SaBROnis Trailblazers jersey, and the 1996 All Star jersey.

keith said...

i saw a jersey at a mets game on the late 90s that had the name 'F. ROCKER' referring to john rocker, it was great lol

John "BROout" Gatling said...

Brad Lohaus Bucks jersey (BROnus points for his T-wolves jersey)

Bill Curley BC jersey

Anonymous said...

Bobby Hurley Duke Jersey
Tim Legler Jersey
Ed Reed Miami Jersey

Anonymous said...

^^anonymous up there has been doing work. Sabonis and the 1996 all star are both instant classics.
NYB, great call on the Ostertag jersey. Holy grail of throwbacks.
Some of the ones I've been looking for lately are Eric Piatkowski (on the Clippers), Fred Hoiberg, Rony Seikaly, and, of course, Tim Biakabutuka.

Anonymous said...

how about a Matt Geiger hornets or 76ers jersey or Bill Wennington Bulls

Tom Izzbro said...

Has anyone mentioned one of the broest jerseys ever? A throwback 90's Dikembe Mutombro Atlanta Hawks jersey. bros are the shit

Anonymous said...

XFL Las Vegas Outlaws Rod "He Hate Me" Smart jersey

Anonymous said...

im sure bros will agree with me when i say the only thing good about baseball is getting fucking hammered in the stands... one reason why my throwback dodgers mike busch jersey is still my favorite one to bust out for a crucial moment

Anonymous said...

Wally Sczerbiak Minnesota Timberwolves jersey...been huge at the bars, minus one bro hater bouncer that said no chance until I showed him who the jersey was of and he let me in

Anonymous said...

Jesus Shuttlesworth

Anonymous said...

Gheorghe Muresan Bullets... enough said

Anonymous said...

Michael Jordan 23 bullets jersey... Whaddup bitches

Drew BROsenhaus said...

A Bill Laimbeer Pistons jersey would be sick, or a Craig Ehlo Cavs

Anonymous said...

My Bill Murray Tune Squad jersey knows no equal.

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