It’s Saturday morning. Your slam piece just left after your morning sesh. You are hung-over as shit. What you need is some fucking breakfast, but what are you going to wear? Obviously you are going to rock some ankle socks, but what shirt will say to everyone, “Look at me – I got drunk as shit last night AND got laid – I’m the fucking man.” That’s when you see it – your Sigma Chi Derby Days t-shirt. You now have a 75% chance of getting laid just by walking outside.
Bros fucking love their fraternity letters. They represent the best times of a bros life. Their fraternity always banged the most girls, had the best parties on campus, and the toughest pledging period. Bros hate the fact that they were always on probation because their fraternity was pretty much exactly like “Animal House.” Bros always complain that pledges have it so fucking easy these days. Pledges are the fucking scum of the Earth. Bros believe that hazing is the best way to become better bros. If bros had it their way they would be able to beat the shit out of their pledges. They would also make them drink until they are on the verge of dying. Bros hate the fact that just because that one kid in Phi Kapp died last year from alcohol poisoning the College is cracking down on hazing. That kid that died is such a fucking bro-hater.
Anyways, the great thing about being in a fraternity is that not only are you the shit for your four years in College, but you are the shit for the rest of your life. On a College campus, especially one as small as my school, everyone knows who is in which fraternity. In the real world, this is not always apparent, so bros need to advertise.
Clothing – Bros normally have a minimum 20 pieces of fraternity apparel, whether it’s hats, t-shirts, faux lacrosse jerseys, or mesh shorts. Bros always have their favorite piece of clothing, usually a hoodie that was given to them by their big brother at revelation. Bros also love their t-shirts from Homecoming ’03. Every sorority wanted to do homecoming with them but they decided to team up with the hottest sorority on campus. This always reminds them of the time you and your pledge brother Eiffel Towered that blond chick with the huge rack.
Bumper Stickers - You really never know when some fucking hot ex-sorority girl might be driving behind you on the road. Therefore, you always want to let people know that you were in a fraternity. This is why you have a bumper sticker on your ride. Bros also like to put fraternity bumper stickers on the walls of their cube at work. This lets all their coworkers know you get fucked up as shit on the weekends. Speaking of work it is always smart to put your fraternity on your resume along with the fact that you were Social Chair and Vice President. This comes in handy if your hiring manager is a bra because she will want to bang you and therefore will hire you.
Tattoos – The true sign of brotherhood is getting your letters tattooed on your body. Some bros will tattoo places that can be covered up, but that is weak as shit. If you are trying to be true bro, you fucking put that shit places that everyone can see, like your face. Much like Black people get a tear drop tattoo when they kill someone, bros should start putting their fraternity letters right underneath their eyes. This lets everyone know that you are a bro and you mean fucking business.