You wake up. It's Sunday Morning. There's #48 puke in your trash can. It was a good fucking night. Thats when your cell phone starts lighting up. What the fuck is your college roommate doing calling you? He moved across the country and even though you were best friends there is no fucking way you are making "phone dates" to keep in touch, so you haven't talked to him in two years.
"Hey buddy, what's going on," he says.
"Nothing, why the fuck are you calling me when I am hungover as shit on Sunday morning?"
"Listen, I got some big news."
He doesn't even have to say it. You already know. He's committing bro suicide. He's getting fucking married. You hang up the phone immediately and throw it against the wall. He calls back like 10 times and finally leaves a message. After you get tired from breaking all the shit in your room, you finally decide to listen to the voicemail.
"Bro, I'm fucking sorry. I really am, I mean she gave me an ultimatum, there was really nothing I could do." You can tell he's near tears so you start to take pity on him when he makes things all better, "Listen, I want you to be the best man, and you know what that means right? You get to plan the bachelor party!" Fucking right.
Girls rationalize that a bachelor party is the time for the groom to get all his single life out of his system once and for all. Wrong. It is a time for bros to get together to do everything in their power to get the groom-to-be aka "dead man walking" to not get married by cheating on his fiancee. In order to best convince the ex-bro-to-be to avoid staying in on Saturday nights so you can wake up early to get the paper and go to the park on Sunday morning for the rest of his life, here are a few pointers.
Get the Fuck Out of Town - This is one of the huge differences between bros and bras. When bras have their bachelorette parties, they often stay in town and go to some shitty bar. Holy shit you fucking rented a limo to go to the Irish pub to have a car bomb? How fucking crazy is that?! Girls don't go fucking apeshit on their bachelorette parties because the bride-to-be has already done a shitload of celebration. She's celebrated the engagement, the wedding planning process, the bridal shower with family, the bridal shower with friends, the bridal shower at work, not to mention the fact that she never has to diet or exercise again. Bros deserve to get the fuck out of town. This is the best way to convince the former bro/groom-to-be to cheat. If he's resistant, just #20 quote Stifler from Road Trip when he says, "It's not cheating if you aren't in the same zip code." Great destinations include Vegas and New Orleans - basically anywhere that prostitution is encouraged.
Stripper - This is a fucking must for any bachelor party. If the groom to be at any time says, "You know, Lucy isn't cool with me getting a lap dance," it's time for all bros to unite to make a pact to lie that your bro cheated on that bitch Lucy on the bachelor party. No bro or non bro should ever marry a girl who is not cool with a lap dance. Have fun banging missionary style to a dead fish for the next 30 years, bro. Anyways, the stripper is one of the most important parts of the bachelor party. But she can't just throw her fake tits in your face while "Crazy Bitch" plays. No - she has to do something fucking wild. Bros love telling stories of the craziest shit that strippers did at the bachelor parties. Trust me - if the price is right Vegas strippers will do anything, and will probably cut you a discount for the bachelor.
The Free Hookup - Being a part of a bachelor party is a pretty easy way to hook up. Granted if you are pretty sure you bro is going through with it, you might as well get something for yourself. But, please, this weekend is all about him and you know who will want to hook up with him? How about every fucking girl around. There's no better pickup line than going up to a group of girls and telling them that it's your bro's "last weekend of freedom." How can they not be all over him? They are the forbidden fruit and let me tell you, girls fucking love that shit. Start buying them drinks and boom - your bro is #29 grinding, then one of your bros catches him making out with the slam piece, and the next thing you know your bro is taking the walk of shame home begging everyone not to tell his fiancee.
There is a reason for the distinction of "Best Man." It's because you fucking know what's best for him, and you will never allow him to end his life as a bro. Divorce Rates are rapidly approaching 50%, but last time I checked Bro Rates are holding strong at 100%. God I love being a bro.