Every social group in America has that one special place where they are completely in their element. For example: Rednecks have Tractor Pulls, Old People have Florida/cemeteries, and teenage girls have Planned Parenthood clinics. While there is no doubt fun to be had at all of these destinations, there is no better pairing than when bros go to a place where hookers roam the streets as respected citizens. A place where bars never close. A place where if you aren’t fucked up out of control, even the police will call you a bitch. If you are not a fucking retard and actually read the topic of this posting, then you already know – I’m talking about fucking Vegas.
When bros go to Vegas, they want to be able to devote all their money toward the most important aspects of the trip: Gambling, drinking, and strippers. Therefore, bros never waste their money on staying at places like the Bellagio or The Venetian. Yeah you could spend more and get a suite, but seriously, how much time are you going to actually be spending in the room? And when you are in Vegas, if you manage to get any sleep at all, there is no chance you are going to remember going to bed, so why the fuck waste your money? Also, even though bros will be dropping hundreds of dollars gambling, there is no chance they eat anywhere other than the fast food court.
Once you’re checked in, its time to hit the fucking tables. If you ever want to find a group of bros, check one of three places – the #30 poker room, black jack tables, or sports book. Bros never play slots or any of those other shitty table games because bros know those odds are fucking terrible. Bros have all read “Bringing Down the House,” therefore they are pretty much professionals at Black Jack. Bros love to count cards, but usually get too drunk off the free drinks the drink slut brings around, so instead they just ridicule the play of others at the table. Bros also know everything there is to know about sports – so you better fucking believe they hit the sports book. Straight bets are for fucking bitches, so bros parlay or tease everything.
After they place their bets, bros go find a bar to watch their games. Vegas is known for their club scene, but as we’ve established – bros fucking #45 hate clubs. Honestly, you’re in fucking Vegas – sure the slam pieces are nice at clubs, but who the fuck wants to pay $50 just to get into someplace where you have to pay another $200 for a table, just so you can buy a fucking bottle of Grey Goose for $500. Not to mention you have to dress up in suits to hang out with roided out Guido fucks waving their arms in the air to some shitty Lady Gaga remix. Are you fucking kidding me? First of all you are already fucked up from the free cocktails at the Black Jack table so just find a bar with some hot slam piece bartenders, hit on them for a couple hours while you watch your games, and wait, for it's only a matter of time until the Grade A meat to be on display.
After a long, hard day of gambling and heavy drinking, you've earned some ‘me’ time. For bras ‘me’ time means a manicure/pedicure/spending more of their husband/boyfriend’s hard earned money. For bros, it means getting some fucking titties in your face. Vegas strip clubs are the shit. Much like young men and women flock to Hollywood to become “a star,” hundreds of young women flock to Vegas every year – to become a whore. That’s right, that stripper giving you that lap dance is not trying to raise money for school – she’s trying to break into fucking porn and practicing on men nightly. Bros don’t need to pay for sex, so while getting a lap dance, I always like to try to offend the strippers as much as possible, knowing that they won’t get up and leave because they need their money, most likely to feed their children. “What’s it like to bang fat hairy old men for money?” “At what age did you officially become a whore?” and “What did you do to your father that forced him to sexually abuse you?” are all winners. Also, anything related to the fact that there is an 80% chance that they will end up beaten to death with a hammer and buried in the desert is golden. Making a stripper cry earns you instant bro king status.
Honestly, if you consider yourself a bro and have never been to Vegas get your bros together and sack up. Sure you probably won’t be able to eat solid food for a week after your trip but it will be fucking worth it. Bros fucking love Vegas.