Friday, September 18, 2009

#74 Tobacco

It’s Saturday morning. Your football team just pulled off an incredible upset last week and now its time for the home opener. After taking shots of Rumplemintz and snorting lines of Aderall until 6am you managed to get about 45 minutes of sleep before it was time to start #68 tailgating. You’ve been pounding screwdrivers and RBVs all fucking morning until your bro asks if you want to join him for a smoke. Normally, you’re not a smoker, but you realize the buzz from the cig could do you pretty good. Some #59 sorority slut has been hitting on you all morning so you want to get your bro’s #66 opinion of her and walk away from the tailgate. As you walk, smoke, and judge, an old woman starts glaring at you. “What the fuck is wrong with her?” you wonder. Then she let’s you know in her crotchety old woman voice: “You know, smoking kills! My husband died of lung cancer!” Just like that, you go from casual smoker to the tobacco companies’ number one advocate. As you tune up the world’s smallest violin, you reply, “I’m pretty sure the reason he died wasn’t because of tobacco - it was because you are a fucking whore!” She starts to cry - but you’re a bro, so you don’t fucking care. Talk shit about me, but don’t talk shit about my tobacco.

Tobacco is the shit. Bros smoke and chew that shit for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. All those people out there that say shit like, “there is a direct link between tobacco and cancer” are fucking bro haters. I bet they’ve never even puked in their own bed. Fucking losers. For arguments sake (completely hypothetical), let’s say that tobacco usage does cause cancer and death. You know who else dies? Try fucking everyone. Why not die doing something you love? In my experience, anytime you get a chance to get a nice buzz going, you fucking take it. Also, when have you ever heard of a bro getting cancer caused by tobacco? That shit doesn’t happen until you’re old as fuck, and by then there will be technology to cure that shit. So, yeah that whole fucking theory just went right out the window. Let’s take a look at the three major categories of tobacco.

Cigars – Usually reserved for celebrating monumental life events such as graduation, a birthday, or the time you banged that girl with the giant rack that sits in the front row of Stats class, a cigar is always clutch. Bros typically don’t know the difference between a Philly Blunt and a Cuban cigar, but you better believe they make sure everyone thinks they do. By commenting on how well the cigar pulls or its oaky flavor a bro can successfully make others think he knows what he is talking about. Slam pieces especially love this shit and will offer you dome immediately.

Cigarettes – For the most part, bros would either not consider themselves smokers or say they are “trying to quit.” All this really means is that they don’t buy cigarettes anymore. Say you want a smoke, but you don’t have a pack. Fucking bum that shit. Something very important to note – never under any circumstance ask for a cigarette without using the word “bum.” Bumming cigarettes is the shit. If the person you are bumming them from is hesitant, just assure them, “I’m totally going to pick up a pack before we go out tonight.” This is a lie. Why would you buy a fresh pack when he has a brand new one? Fucking retard.

Dip – Every bro remembers that first vacation to flavor country when they tucked that smooth pinch behind their lower lip. Dipping is a bro pastime, but why do they love it so much? First of all, it looks cool as shit. Slam pieces realize when they see someone with a fucking lip in, they are not dealing with a boy – no, they are dealing with bro, and this excites them. Not to mention the fact that while bro haters have made smoking illegal in restaurants and even bars, they can’t do shit about dipping. This is the true beauty of packing a fat lip – you can do that shit anywhere. Say you are at a bar #29 grinding on some slam piece and you need a smoke – if you go outside, there’s a chance this slut goes home with someone else. Fucking pack that lip up and go. Girls love it when guys have dip in their mouth to make out – it’s just like a cowboy! Anyways, the point is, it doesn’t matter where you are, in the car, a plane, or even a funeral – dipping is always encouraged and more than welcome.

73 comments:

USA Bro Emperor said...

I use Redman side chew at work & swallow the spit so no one knows. Gives me a buzz.

The Alpha and the BROmega said...

Cigars - golf courses, weddings, and the beach.

Cigarettes - when I'm drunk.

Dip - softball games, weeknight television.

Also, the ultimate bro cigarette is the Camel Light. There will be no debate of this fact.

Brovechkin said...

best thing to do is to throw in a dip while youre smoking at a party. really lets all the sluts know you dont give a fuck about cancer, so you definitely don't give a shit about them.

Bronito Mussolini said...

I have to disagree here. Cigs are bro hater - mainly because of the awful stench. When I am getting blackout at the bar at least the next morning my clothes don't smell awful. If I am going to get buzzed on tobacco, at the very least I will be packing a fat lip.

Bron Paul said...

"Awful Stench", Bronito, you are a Broser. What kind of Fag uses words like that to describe the musk that lets you know you have been Broing it out all night? Last i checked i dont give a fuck what i smell like. The more musk, the more slampiece. I fucking love going to the bars and blowing smoke all over the haters and listening to them bitch through their coughing.

Great post NYB
Bros are the Shit

shaquille bro'neal said...

the alpha bro..

couldn't of said it better myself

bronito is gay, my clothes and my house smell of rich mohagany, leather bound books, and cigarette smoke the next morning and slampieces get wet.

Bropenhagen said...

waking up hung over as shit and you mouth tastes like stale ciggerette and you still have a lip in your mouth...can you get a little more bro? impossible...

YourGirlGaveMeABroJob said...

cigerettes kinda blow mostly because slampeices think your poor and might be less willing to dome you up.
Packing bombs is ok if and only if you have mastered the art of drinking with a fat chew in. Im sick of bro haters throwing in a bomb then refusing to drink because of it, given the choice one should never turn down a beer.

Bronito Mussolini is a fag and probably a virgin

g bro said...

bros love putting liquor in their tins, puts u right to bed brosss

Anonymous said...

Cigs are defanetly not bro..makes you look poor as shit.

Anonymous said...

cigs are totally bro and anyone who disagrees is not only a poser and a bro-hater, but a fucking pussy. Cigars are decidedly more bro, since then every slampiece knows youre rich as shit, which of course you are. However, cigs annoy the bro-haters, and anything to piss the shit out of them is 100% pure bro. Also, dip is the shit, and totally bro. Bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

skoal-bro in training
copenhagen-bro

Lou Ferrigbro said...

cigs are the shit

Tyler said...

grizz is the only bro way to go. that other stuff doesn't buzz for shit. bro my life away

Bro in Chicago said...

You're right that bros don't buy cigarettes because that would make you consider yourself a smoker. I love it when the Camel promo girls show up to the bars with messenger bags full of cartons. They give you two totally free packs of smokes every time they come in. Nothing beats a free pack of Filters. Bros are the shit.

Axl Brose said...

Parliament Lights are essential

Brottoo Artist said...

Bros like tattoos!

Anonymous said...

I haven't gotten a tobacco buzz in at least a year

BROMERICAN said...

No tobacco buzz in a year that sounds pretty unamerican and homo. Along with dip and being a bro there is nothing more american then killin a haji with a fat lipper in. There needs to be a post about all the bros in haji country killin terrorists with hoggers spillin out of there lip. HELL YEA BROMERICA

Brobal Warning said...

Grintergreen. Been dippin that shit since 7th grade. The two gum grafts were totally worth it. The worst part was I couldn't dip for a few days. And ciggys are best when you smoke them in places that smoking isn't allowed. Nothing is better than being the only one smoking. And Camel lights are not bro. That's like saying light beer is bro. Marlboro reds are the way to go bro.

Anonymous said...

you mean brobal warming einstein.

Brogasm said...

Any real bro can tell you that the smell of success is never more evident than waking up next to some bra you don't ever remember railing with the taste of an empty bar in your mouth. They should sell that shit as gum

Brobal Warning said...

You mean Eimsteim, Eimsteim.

BROpenhagen long cut said...

copenhagen long cut is the way to go. nothing is more bro than having a quarter can dip in your lip. i disagree with "anonymous", skoal is not for 'bros in training.' you dont train to be a bro, it just comes natural because bros are the shit. real bros chew at least one can of cope a day period

BROMERICAN said...

This post is for all the dippers. If you go to the second most bro website skoal.com and sign up you get a free mud jug to spit in 6 weeks later in the mail.Mine just came in yesterday second greatest day of my life behind the first day i ever threw in a lipper. HELL YEA BROMERICA

Anonymous said...

While copenhagen is undeniably awesome, throwing in a quarter tin every time u chomp shows a big lack of planning on ur part. Unless ur buyin it by the log (shit ton of bro points if u are) a nice sized pincher will do. That way when its 3am and all u can think about is how bad u want to throw in a don piece, u know you'll have at least enuf for one left in ur tin.
Dip fucking rules, bros fucking rule

Marl Bro said...

there's only one marlbro man. i'll put my fucking fist in your camel toe.

Anonymous said...

bros smoke ganj

Brohan said...

Also you look fuckin bro as shit packing the tin like its some complicated ass bro skill

Anonymous said...

i dipped on the track at relay for life

Brotonymous said...

grizzly straight - top bro dip
parliament lights - top bro cig
(camel and marlboro lights/marlboro reds also acceptable....menthol not at all)
No one has mentioned snuff, putting tobacco in your nose is bro as fuck

Tim said...

Nothing beats having a monster chew tucked away. Serious bro-points are earned when putting it in literally causes your lip to split. If you don't like having a dip in, then you like having a cock in. Faggot.

Chucklebro said...

Yeah. I use Griz Wintergreen. Fucking good shit, fucking bros love that shit.

Anonymous said...

any real bro knows fruit flavors aren't for bros, bros don't get a dip buzz because they dip a tin a day, bros don't conserve dip because one of their bros will give them a pinch if they're a true bro but its encourgaged to buy multiple logs at a time

General BROregard said...

Me and my bros got fucked up at this party, and decided that we werent getting the fucking atttention that we deserve as Alpha Male Bros, so we just started smoking Camel Lights, dipping Skoal Mint, chewing Red Man, snorting snuff, and fucking puking in this big ass trash can so that every fucking Bro-Hater and Slampiece can smell how massively Bro we all are.

bro scout said...

okay any real bro follows my steelo

a cigar isn't a worth smoking unless its filled with weed

when you get drunk, you smoke black and milds (wine flavored) and never once let the plastic tip leave your teeth's clentch

dip is for baseball playing faggots

Costas and Broakies said...

Bro scout I hope that was a joke. Dip is essential for hockey, spitting on the ice and then throwing punches during beer league play = TBM total bro move.

For me-

Dip-cope. For when your at bars, sporting events, work, or when your playing sports/basically anytime. Pouches are for fags but an exception I guess is at work.

Cigars- are the shit. Try golfing without a stoge and not looking like a faggot. Cigars during hazing pledges is a must. B&Ms are good to...on MLK day.

Cigs-
Favorites Turkish royals. Best for weed, nice mellow buzz.
P-lights for the bar. Reds when you need to get shit done.

Anonymous said...

Just finished a quarter tin of brogenhagen winterbro. Finished up a bro-hating exam and tossed that shit in. Now im gonna blow a line of brodderol and stab a slam piece.

Whey Brotein said...

Let me clear up this debate on cigs. Every bro has smoked a cig and will smoke one again. FiveStars might say they hate guys who smoke but everyone knows they think your cool as shit when you stop pretending to listen to them to smoke a cig with a fellow bro. But sometimes smoking cigs does make you look like you can attach your house to the back of a pick up. But this is an easy fix. Only smoke parliaments. They're the most expensive cigs in most gas stations (besides pussy V. slims) and make sure everyone knows it. Always talk about how cig prices keep going up but you only smoke the best so you spend a shit load on Parlys. Done. Dome for being rich

Bill Brosky said...

I'm gonna have to say Camel Lights are definite bro cig of choice, but I can fucks with some Parliaments or Marlboro Lights from time to time. Newports/menthols are never fucking cool.

Bro Montana said...

slam pieces especially love dip in montana, the other week i was grinding on a slut and made out with her while having a fatty in. her response? meaningless sex and leaving for home right after

gimmiee said...

Epic story...
Earlier this semester I visited my two bros at U of I on a Thursday night. I was on my way home for my Dads 50th B-day and decided to stop on my way home to pay my overdue respects. When I arrived I was informed that my one bro,Scott, had to pick up his new phone at the Fed Ex store and that we were also lacking the necessary amount of booze in order to rage like bros do. So Scott hopped in my 2007 Ford Expedition and we set off on a journey.Our first stop was the Fed Ex store due to Scott dropping his phone into the water bowl where you shit. On the way I pulled out my peach long cut and we threw in a
lip and discussed important matters such as how many slam pieces we were going to bring back and the ridiculous amount of booze we were
going to consume that night. Once Scott got his phone we were off to our next stop which was the grocery store. On our way we blasted tunes provided by our beloved Jeff Tweedy of Wilco. When we got to the grocery store we both lost our buzz. Scott decided to throw another lip in but I pussied out. After walking half way into the store I asked Scott where he was going to spit since he forgot his “spitter” He replied, “Probably on the floor I guess”. Fucking bro. We got to the booze isle and grabbed two 30 racks of Natty and three 40’s of Bud light for the three of us. Scott then spit on the floor and said, “Alright lets go”. While proceeding to the checkout counter Scott handed me his dad’s credit card and told me to pay for the booze with it because he was not 21 yet. I asked no further questions. While checking out, Scott and I had a nice conversation with the employee that was working the cash register. Before swiping his dad’s credit card I looked over to Scott and was taken back. He had a cautious look on his face to say the least and was pointing to his mouth full of accumulated dip spit. With no chance to spit on the floor at this point he shrugged his shoulders and swallowed. I swiped his dads credit card, forged his sweet signature and we left. Once exiting the premises I asked Scott why he didn't just spit on the floor in front of the lady. He laughed and said, "I guess I just like the taste of peach long cut". He never got sick and the night went on as planned.

BROmar Vizquel said...

lately at least in my area there's been this special deal at every store where you can get copenhagen for the price of griz

chayton bigsby said...

every bro knows pouchs are for faggots. all other forms (esp. cope and grizz) make slampieces moist

Bro Namath said...

dippin with pouches is like eatin pussy through the pany hose

Anonymous said...

a fucking real man that chews doesn't get buzzes cause he dips everyday... pussies that dip once a week and get buzzes are wannabes. you're not a chewer unless you wake up every morning and your lip is torn to shit and you still throw a dip of snuff in. nuff said.

BroTillTheDayIDie said...

Cigarettes are the fucking shit and anyone that thinks otherwise is a huge bro-hater. Nothing more badass than posting up with a fellow bro on the patio and having a smoke and a beer while shooting the shit about all the slampieces in the bar. Also, many broads smoke like shit when they're hammered, so asking to "go out for a smoke" is a guaranteed way throw your game down on some slampiece.
Oh, and bros smoke heavy cigarettes like Lucky Strikes and Marlies, anything else and you're a fucking softie.

Anonymous said...

Real fucking men chew and bros are real fucking men. Anyone who will say that dip is more bro than chew can sit on it.

Anonymous said...

Making out with a guy who chews is actually pretty disgusting but bros are still amazing

Brokemon said...

If you are hating on any type of tobacco you are defiantly not a bro. Of course all true bros stay with cope or grizz, and pouches become clutch while in class and there is no dark carpet to splatter on. Real fucking bros learn how to gut that shit without throwing up after plenty of chewing experiences.
-Also a key way to up your bro-cred is by throwing in a fatty while receiving dome from a 5 star slam piece.

BROMERICA

TallaBrossee said...

Gamedays require a 24 hour fatty to be kept in place, perfect time for some pouches and ride that shit all day. true bros shotgun and or funnel while packin a lipper

Anonymous said...

Bros love snus too. throw in three of them and not only do you get a buzz it's minty flavor freshens your mouth so some slampiece won't give you shit for having a smokey mouth

Anonymous said...

Can't believe all the fake bros talking about smoking lights. Only bras go into a store and choose a light version of tobacco instead of the full flavor for the same price. Pussies.

Anonymous said...

Codiack all fucken day ! scole is for pussys

Brony Montana said...

The best is the double horseshoe. Fill every inch of your lips with that shit and feel the buzz.

Anonymous said...

double horseshoe of copenhagen straight or skoal peach or grape kayak, while smoking a parliament cig with a cigar and a blunt being passed around, fucking bro as shit

Matthew said...

whoever just gave props to snus needs to die. not bro

George W. Brosh said...

Psssh only narcs would hate on tobacco. I will be damned if one of my bros doesnt get domed up for having an oversized chew in , while rippin a cig and a fuckin koozied bro water in the other. That would just be unrealistic to not happen.

Anonymous said...

i enjoy dipping

Anonymous said...

has anyone tried real swedish snus. shits like putting mud in your mouth but twice the buzz/flavor of any snuff.

Anonymous said...

parliament lights are for fucking pussies that like the taste of ass

Brodysseus said...

Snus is bro as fuck. Unless you get unrbo camel shit. Hit up northerner.com and you're set.

Chi-town said...

what is a better thing than a drunk cig? eaither that or crusing a cig in your buddies car with all your bros?

The Man With Bro Name said...

Tobacco is Bro as fuck for three reasons.

1) It gives you a nice buzz.
2) It makes you look like a fucking boss.
3) It gives you fun opportunities to do degrading shit to people using your tobacco product of choice as a prop.


Example: I was banging this sorostitute slamwhore doggystyle in her bed, and I still had a lip of Copenhagen in my mouth the whole time (because I like to multitask). She wanted me to pull out and nut on her back when I was done, but I'm a Bro and I only jizz in three places: in her snatch, on her face, or between her tits. In this particular case I was craving a nice balls-deep baby batter deposit, so I discreetly shot my load in her honey box, then pulled out and pretended to jerk off while spitting my tobacco spit on her back. She was so dazed from our trip to Pound Town that she totally bought it.

Afterwards I put on my clothes, threw in a fresh lip, and went back to the bars to meet up with my Bros while she rolled over and passed out in her bed. She called me the next day wondering why her sheets were stained brown. I told her she must have shit the bed, and hung up on her.

Damn it feels good to be a Bro.

Ben said...

I was at a party dancin with this girl. I ran out of cigs so I whipped out my tin of cope long, after i finished my beer, and packed a fat lip. she turned around to make out with me and she pulled back. i spit in my cup and told her to deal. we got back to the dorm and i packed another lip. i didnt care i was with my boys making fun of every girl that came in our room. the girl i was dancing with gave me a blow job while there were about 10 people in my room, while i had my lip in... awesome night

Anonymous said...

cigs are for europeans and hipsters

Skoal-rookies who doesn't kow any other brand
Cope-Those who only enjoy wintergreen
Kayak-Grape nuff said
Wolf-Your poor
Grizzmint-Fucking bro

Anonymous said...

stoker's. it comes in the big ass tub 12oz. (ten cans worth) for nine fucking dollars? real similar to grizz wg which i've been chewin for a while.
and swedish snus is fucking awesome for class.

James said...

to the bitch that posted march 2, 2010

What the fuck are you thinking? First off, you better have been in the fucking kitchen making a goddamned sandwich. Secondly, if you didn't already know this, BROS do not give a fuck what BITCHES think, say or feel. spread the word.

Griz mint is the fucking shit.

Anonymous said...

best shit is buying tobacco when you are under 18
dip-cope straight
cigs- camel lights

EADizzle said...

My rankings:
Weed
Cigar
Cigarillo
Smokeless
Cigarette

Anonymous said...

If you don't dip Cope long cut you hate America

Dip said...

It's funny that as I read all your posts backwards for the past couple weeks I come to this exactly two days into my most recent "I'm quitting dip aka stupid fuckin idea". I was only two days in but bro this shit was worse than a hangover. Just went to the store and packed a half can of cope straight. Bros spit in mudjugs (mudjug.com) and bros make dip videos on youtube.

Anonymous said...

cant end a night of getting wasted without a fat griz wintergreen in

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