It’s Saturday morning. Your football team just pulled off an incredible upset last week and now its time for the home opener. After taking shots of Rumplemintz and snorting lines of Aderall until 6am you managed to get about 45 minutes of sleep before it was time to start #68 tailgating. You’ve been pounding screwdrivers and RBVs all fucking morning until your bro asks if you want to join him for a smoke. Normally, you’re not a smoker, but you realize the buzz from the cig could do you pretty good. Some #59 sorority slut has been hitting on you all morning so you want to get your bro’s #66 opinion of her and walk away from the tailgate. As you walk, smoke, and judge, an old woman starts glaring at you. “What the fuck is wrong with her?” you wonder. Then she let’s you know in her crotchety old woman voice: “You know, smoking kills! My husband died of lung cancer!” Just like that, you go from casual smoker to the tobacco companies’ number one advocate. As you tune up the world’s smallest violin, you reply, “I’m pretty sure the reason he died wasn’t because of tobacco - it was because you are a fucking whore!” She starts to cry - but you’re a bro, so you don’t fucking care. Talk shit about me, but don’t talk shit about my tobacco.
Tobacco is the shit. Bros smoke and chew that shit for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. All those people out there that say shit like, “there is a direct link between tobacco and cancer” are fucking bro haters. I bet they’ve never even puked in their own bed. Fucking losers. For arguments sake (completely hypothetical), let’s say that tobacco usage does cause cancer and death. You know who else dies? Try fucking everyone. Why not die doing something you love? In my experience, anytime you get a chance to get a nice buzz going, you fucking take it. Also, when have you ever heard of a bro getting cancer caused by tobacco? That shit doesn’t happen until you’re old as fuck, and by then there will be technology to cure that shit. So, yeah that whole fucking theory just went right out the window. Let’s take a look at the three major categories of tobacco.
Cigars – Usually reserved for celebrating monumental life events such as graduation, a birthday, or the time you banged that girl with the giant rack that sits in the front row of Stats class, a cigar is always clutch. Bros typically don’t know the difference between a Philly Blunt and a Cuban cigar, but you better believe they make sure everyone thinks they do. By commenting on how well the cigar pulls or its oaky flavor a bro can successfully make others think he knows what he is talking about. Slam pieces especially love this shit and will offer you dome immediately.
Cigarettes – For the most part, bros would either not consider themselves smokers or say they are “trying to quit.” All this really means is that they don’t buy cigarettes anymore. Say you want a smoke, but you don’t have a pack. Fucking bum that shit. Something very important to note – never under any circumstance ask for a cigarette without using the word “bum.” Bumming cigarettes is the shit. If the person you are bumming them from is hesitant, just assure them, “I’m totally going to pick up a pack before we go out tonight.” This is a lie. Why would you buy a fresh pack when he has a brand new one? Fucking retard.
Dip – Every bro remembers that first vacation to flavor country when they tucked that smooth pinch behind their lower lip. Dipping is a bro pastime, but why do they love it so much? First of all, it looks cool as shit. Slam pieces realize when they see someone with a fucking lip in, they are not dealing with a boy – no, they are dealing with bro, and this excites them. Not to mention the fact that while bro haters have made smoking illegal in restaurants and even bars, they can’t do shit about dipping. This is the true beauty of packing a fat lip – you can do that shit anywhere. Say you are at a bar #29 grinding on some slam piece and you need a smoke – if you go outside, there’s a chance this slut goes home with someone else. Fucking pack that lip up and go. Girls love it when guys have dip in their mouth to make out – it’s just like a cowboy! Anyways, the point is, it doesn’t matter where you are, in the car, a plane, or even a funeral – dipping is always encouraged and more than welcome.