Thursday, October 8, 2009

#80 Giving Losers Shit

You’re sitting on the front steps of your #32 bro pad with all your bros. It’s just a typical Tuesday afternoon, so obviously you’ve been drinking for like 3 hours. You’ve managed to pass the time by arguing about whether Lady Gaga is actually a hermaphrodite and checking out facebook pictures of girls you’ve banged on your iPhone. It’s been pretty much a perfect afternoon, but it’s about to get much better. Since your house is close to a busy section of campus, you get to see a shitload of freak shows walking by every day. Today is no exception. So far you’ve seen three goth chicks, a guy who looked like he was dead at one point, and a mammoth beast of a woman walk by. Since everyone was focused on the $5 a point testicle toss match up, nobody really bothered to make fun of them, but things are about to change. Just as you finish pounding your 10th Coors Light, it emerges from behind a building. Standing about 5 feet tall with bright orange hair, massive braces, horrid acne and weighing about 250 pounds, it makes its way closer to your house. Immediately two of your bros fall down they are laughing so hard, so you realize it’s up to you to punish this guy for choosing to look this way. “All Hail – The Great Pumpkin King!!!” You’re bros are literally holding the tips of their dicks to stop from pissing their pants. You remember you have a lighter in your pocket so you run up to him, make him hold it, and get all your bros to crowd around in a circle chanting “Jack-O-Lantern!!” He starts to cry and runs away. I mean, come on, it’s not your fault. If he didn’t want to have to call his mother in tears, he shouldn’t have tried to pick a fight with bros. Mission Accomplished.

While Bro Kings are the only truly perfect people in the world, bros are a very close second. Unfortunately, because of brocism and bropression, there are evil-doers in the world who claim that bros are simply assholes, ignoring the fact that they are the most elite members of society. These delusional people, considered in many circles to be a bigger threat than terrorists, are called Bro-Haters and they fall under the broad societal category known as “Losers.” Bros are so much better than losers it’s not even fucking funny. Everyone fucking knows it. I know it’s hard to believe but some losers haven’t even been laid. How ridiculous is that? I’m going to say something right now that may incense and enrage all you bros out there – some of these losers think they are better than us. If you didn’t just smash your computer screen, then I’ll tell you why. They tell themselves that because they study and don’t #65 cheat on all their exams and shit that they will have a high powered, high paid job someday, thus making them more attractive to slam pieces. Newsflash you fucking losers: Bros are already rich as shit and get slam pieces whenever they want. Dumb fucks. So how do we put these losers where the belong? Here’s a few tips:

Attack Physical Characteristics - Honestly, there’s no better way to put some fucking loser down than state the facts. Being short, fat, having braces, going bald, huge glasses, giant ears or nose are all solid places to start. If by miracle of God he doesn’t have any of these faulty characteristics just say he has a tiny dick, which he probably does. Making fun of losers’ physical features is the closest that a bro will ever come to doing charity work. By realizing what makes them ugly, losers can now get plastic surgery to fix themselves.

Exploit Sports Weakness – Bros fucking dominate sports. So, it’s pretty easy to recognize a loser during physical activity. Say you have a Volleyball class or some shit. Find the biggest loser on the other team and spike the shit out of the ball at him. Obviously, he’s not going to return that shit, and you might even get the bonus of breaking his glasses so he plays even worse. This will make everyone on his team hate him and all the slam pieces want to bang you.

Do it in Public – I can’t stress this enough – in the never ending one-sided battle between bros and losers, although it feels fucking great to give losers shit when it’s just the two of you, there must be others present. We need to spread the word about how much better bros are than losers and it’s just a waste of time if you don’t do it in front of an audience. The bigger the fucking better. Say the valedictorian from your class gets up to give the commencement address. Fucking boo that loser. Fucking nerd. Anytime some loser gets an award at work I spread rumors about how I heard them masturbating in the bathroom. They usually get written up. Fucking loser. Serves them right for taking shit away from its rightful owner.

Bros: 1. Losers: 0.

47 comments:

Adrien Brody said...

NYB as always, you are spot on in your social bronalysis. Bros love giving losers shit because it feels awesome to let them know how much more amazing our lives are and will continue to be than theirs are and will ever be.

Also bros fucking dominate sports like volleyball

Bro-N-Go said...

This shit is great. Always gets a good laugh and if Tommy tough nuts decides to say something back, you and the bros go fuck him up because bros roll deep!

Bros!

brony bronheiser said...

The best part of being a bro is that half of your bros take some kind of jujitsu class cause bros fucking love fighting. So when that fucking nerd thinks hes tough and tries to defend his already crushed ego, its time for four of your bros to practice their most lethal moves on that sack of shit

Chicag-BRO said...

Great post- in college my bros and I would sit on our fratio all day and get boozed up and humiliate bro-haters and degrade slam pieces if they dared walk by. Used to have one bro who liked nothing more than to hide in the bushes on our front lawn as we were out partying and jump out screaming and scare the shit out of bro-haters (and dumb slam piceces) on their way back from class. Sometimes he'd even chase them down the street, shirtless and screaming insults the whole way. He was a true bro and huge, many a bro-hater ran and screamed like a bra when he jumped out.

Bros are the shit

CarmelBRO Anthony said...

Took a test the other day, obviously sat down next to the chinaman to cheat, however the professor gave out multiple tests. I thought with my feet with 3 questions left on the test I stole the chinaman's scantron sheet and put my name on it, told him "I owed him one," and turned it in. Later that day he was walking by our fraternity house, probably expecting praise from me. Fucking wrong. We just berated him on that shit he pulled on Pearl Harbor. His pocket protector wasn't protecting him from bros.

Brocho Cinco said...

Crushing beers and talking shit is fucking awesome.

also, bros don't take jujitsu class they just fucking learned that shit from watching some Jean Claude Van Dam movies

Brosef said...

Bros don't play volleyball. Only beer league softball or football.

Anonymous said...

Brosef,

Have you not seen Top Gun?

Anonymous said...

Light beer? Surely a bro doesnt like watered down piss. Bros drink ice beer. Because it has more alcohol and every bro just wants to get fucked up.

Bro-Bo Cop (the Original) said...

Bros,

Not having a filter is the best part of being a bro. The other weekend at Oktbroberfest, I saw a Gargoyle of a chick trying to make friends, and I couldn't do anything but inform her of her many imperfections. It was almost disgusting to look at her face when I yelled at her, but I did anyways, because I was drunk as shit.

BroaConstructor said...

The part about bro hater fags thinking that their loserdome will suddenly end when all their studying pays off with their high paying jobs has got to cease. If you're a bro with a job, make sure that if a anybody with; prescription glasses, a GPA that you know a bro couldn't even pull off with a check from pops, god awful physical features, or the ability to blow a load from looking at a a fully clothed picture of a female because they've never been laid, please do not hire them so these fags will remain dick lickers forever.

PS..the other day I was at my bros pad in Boston. He has roof access which we used to piss on loser ass bitches from above. Fuck the haters. Bros Rule.

BRObie Wan KenBRObi said...

All I can say is well done Bro, keep the posts/aka most solid advice know to man coming.

The Notorious B.R.O said...

You can always tell who's dad never played catch with them growing up. If you can't throw a baseball or football like a man consider ending it now because life will only get worse...or at least get sterilized

I breed Heisman trophy winners

Anonymous said...

I am what you would call a loser, headed to Yale Law School next year.

U mad?

Brobut said...

I have a loser neighbor that I beat up every chance I get. I'm 27, he's 36. It's so fun. If I see him in the morning going to his car- BOOM- I just fuckin tackled him. Fun as shit. I stopped recycling 2 years ago, once a week I dump my beer cans & bottles in his front yard then he picks them up.

BROptimus Prime said...

At least you know your a loser that's a step in the right direction, but that won't stop us from Berating you with an onslought of insults until you decide you should kill your self or call your mom. Pussy!!!

John McenBro said...

great post

D from BROboken said...

Bros 1 Losers 0? That's it? Bros are up WAY more than 1-0. I think a more appropriate and accurate score is Bros 69 Losers 0.

I fuckin love bein a bro

Anonymous said...

I am a Bro and I fucking love America

Anonymous said...

As NYB pointed out loser's continue to argue that they are better then Bros because they'll work hard and one day make good money and get to marry a better broad. Fuck that racket. Bros are rich as shit and by the time any loser makes a fraction of what we already have and can land anything resembling a slampieces we already nail, she'll be 30 with looks decaying like the Nazi's just opened the Lost Ark. And who the fuck wants to get married. Bro-haters, that's who. Have fun with that shit.

Anonymous said...

The best thing to do is to give losers a nickname that they hate and drop it on them whenever possible. Every time you see the loser finally got the courage to talk to a slampiece you just gotta walk by casually and drop a little...Yo Pumpkinfucker how you doing? A little part of him will die right on the spot and push him just that much closer to finally snapping one day and of course by doing this you have just extended the amount of time he has to wait before finally getting to see a real pair of breasts other than his mothers.

I also like giving a losers girlfriend a nickname and then calling her it in front of him. In high school we all hated this one kid so we nicknamed his girlfriend, Yellow Light because me and all my Bros had run through her. She would always cry when we did it (probably because it was true) and she would always get into a fight with the loser afterward because he didn't stick up to us for her. He knew he would get a beating if he had. Bros are the shit.

Pac Man Brones out

Anonymous said...

Bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

bros are the shit

slampiece69 said...

When i see bros giving losers shit it totally makes me want to go down on them.

Anonymous said...

A few weeks ago my bros and I were hanging out on the front porch drinking a yelling shit at random people walking by. All of a sudden I saw a blind man walking down the sidewalk with his cane. I immediately yelled out "Hey, what are you looking at?" at this dude. None of the chicks with us would even talk to me for about an hour and all of my bros dissolved into helpless laughter.

Hulk Brogan said...

nothin better than insulting the slampiece you just hooked up with preferably in front of her. my bro went up stairs with an ugly ass slut. he came down stairs 45 minutes later with a dazed look on his face and the bitch behind him and he just stared at me and kept repeating "what did you let me do".

Abe Broman, The Sausage King of Chicago said...

Making fun of the blind is not bro. That's bro hater, bros don't make fun of the handicap... There's enough losers in the world.

BROce Springsteen said...

So its a Sunday afternoon so us bros are obviously at the bar drinking. We sit on the back porch to yell at slam pieces or the occassional slam pig. In between the sluts though a blind man walks by. Our DOFF jumps on it.

"What the fuck are you lookin at?"

Bros are the shit.

Brozo The Clown said...

Speaking of giving losers shit, can someone hop on to urbandictionary and really ream those bro haters? It won't let me comment, but they're getting the culture all wrong.

By the way NYB, nice post on BroBible. Being a Masshole I can completely relate to that post.

Fidel Casbro said...

School trip:
On school trips, always hit up the slam pieces...especiaally ones you will never see again. The ultimate cock block is when your talking to slam pieces and a Anne Frank lookin gal blows it by coming up to you as if she knows you, wen all a bro is trying to do is rail a slam piece. Smoking a cigah is also veryy straight. On a school trip, just go into the bathroom and put towls down, smoke alarm will nevver go off and its just a great bro moment. Bringing alcohol is.also key to school trips. I mean who fucking cares if you get fuckin drunk at night, your bros and you should always smash in the room. Skoal pouches also make a school trip...convenient anywhere, yoy can just throw in the lipper and dip it real quick if you need to.
Fidel Casbro, Bernard

Broda said...

you're trying way too hard fidel

Racial Brofiler said...

Will someone please escort Casbro back to fucking Cuba? Bro's do not go to class, let alone school trips. Also, we do not give a fuck about getting caught smoking. We will just remind the offender of who are parents are, and ask them if they want their jobs on Monday. Get it straight. School trips are for fucking bro haters.

Sir BROsalot said...

To: most definitely the kid I will make fun of most at Yale law school

From: Sir Brosalot, knight of the slamtable

No peasant, I am not angry, for thou has wasted thine time STOP I will also be attending Yale Law next year but for no reason of mine own hand STOP My fucking Pops paid that shit so now I'm on my way STOP ps If you want my dad to line you up a job after law school let me know. I'll talk to him if you write my papers n shit

Abe Broman, The Sausage King of Chicago said...

That's a little weird how they mail out acceptances to law school for next year when its still October? I call bullshit, Yale doesn't admit a spring class either. Total bullshit

RamBro said...

fuck bras

Brohan Santana said...

Bros only drink Anheuser Busch products.

Bromer Pimpson said...

Wow, anonymous, ur going to Yale Law School! Thats fucking awesome...im at law school,but for different reasons: to do nothing for another 3 years and adderall my way through finals.

And your gona get a job at a white shoe firm making 160K a year right?

Will I?

No, ill sit on my ass for 100K a year and do virtually nothing because I have connections with my frat bros who partner their own firms and do what they want, when they want. But I'll still have more money than you'll ever smell cause my Dad will supplement my income by about 4x because we are rich. And I will inherit all kinds of money and shit. And you'll be working 70 hour weeks like some tool, sleeping over at work, but its cool tho cause ur gona get a big bonus...

Except that you are too cheap to spend it on anything but some fucking Prius Hybrid or some other jesus-loving al gore shit. You still wont pull any bitches, you will still be a loser, and you will still continue to stay in on the weekends and work on your outline or watch re-runs of battlestar galactica

You show you are a jealous bro-hater just by virtue of the fact that you are reading this site and you cared enough to make a posting (albeit it being an anonymous pussy as posting)...you'll get fucking robbed in new haven, ct anyway you glasses wearing queer

Double BRO 7 said...

I enjoy nothing more than totally embarrassing the losers that are known as the band society, honors scoiety's and professional society's that use greek letters like they deserve to be acknowledged in our system...not only are they not in our league, they aren't even playing the same sport...fuck those broseurs for bringing down our status and being imposters

King of The Brocean said...

woooah bro. bros can be smart too. it's a fact that we are the shit at everything and this is no different. i've never studied a day of my life, but i was still valedictorian for my high school class. i even read "i'm so hood" for my speech. us bros are just born gifted, that's all there is to it. i've been fucking bras and slamming down shots since i was in diapers and can still ace any test on anything. that's what separates from the queers in society. we can enjoy life and be smart, they work like insane douchebags for knowledge.

BROesthlisberger said...

Can't beat kicking out the occasional gay loser that gets into your party and starts killing the bro vibe. Always thinks he is cool with bros because he came with slam pieces. Also always thinks you're joking when you tell him he has to leave. Nope. Not joking. Get the fuck out.

Anonymous said...

This page and the comments are a joke right?

People can't seriously be this retarded.

Scott De Buitléir said...

LMAO!!!!! This is hilarious - and exactly the reason why so many Europeans think Americans are idiots. Long live America, land of the bros...!

Anonymous said...

I have a question, I know a total bro who is also the valedictorian, now I know what you are thinking bro. Impossible, but I kid you now. This Bro is possibly the Broiest Bro I know, and every total bro completely agrees. now he's not some gay "study study study no pussy" bro. His smarts come naturally and chillfully just as anything comes to a bro, so does earning what is rightfully his by "bro-vine right" make him a total scum bag?

Anonymous said...

I got a question then, does that mean somewhere along the line our ancestors were losers? how else would they have made all the money that makes us present bro's rich as shit?

being bro must be a recessive gene

Ali G as BROrat... Sexytime said...

In college we used to toss water balloons at anyone who walked by our house. our front door was in the back of the parking lot so by the time the odd fag got there to challenge us we had 10 bros at the door waiting to give him a full on balloon facial. now im home and we pregame at my bros house every time we go to the bar (he bought a $275 grand house at 19 years old and a brand new Silverado... BRO.) He lives right next to a high school... we pound beers on his lawn blasting music and tossing a football, heckling every single kid who walks by, reminding them that they are shit for attending class, and the lunchbox hanging off their arm looks like a purse, the first step in determining a future tranny.

Anonymous said...

Fuck Bro Haters. My great grandpa played for John Heisman. If you don't believe mr there's a statue oft great grandpa at Georgia Tech. Bros are Awesome.

The Man With Bro Name said...

Giving losers shit is one of the most bro things a Bro can do. One time these bro hating chumps showed up at a party at our bro pad with a few hot girls in tow, thinking that would be their ticket inside. Fuck that - we straight up told them "the slams can come inside, but you guys can get lost." These losers took about ten steps back toward the street thinking that the bitches they brought would leave with them. Fuck that - the slams recognized our Alpha-ness immediately and came right inside and partied with us. Two of them even got railed inside the Bro-pad that very night. Every time I see these losers on campus I remind them how easily we stole their bitches. They'd probably been trying to fuck these hoes for months with no success - it took us no more than a couple of hours to seal the deal.


Bros up, haters down.

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