It’s Wednesday afternoon. You’re fucking pissed off. After yelling at your parents for a half hour you hung up on them. For some reason, they are not buying the idea that books cost $3,000 this semester. Fucking bro-haters. After that abortion of a conversation you deserve a drink. You wade through the empty Natty cases lining the kitchen floor to get to the fridge, only to find a bottle of pickles and a shitload of mayonnaise. After googling, “Can you get fucked up on pickle water,” you finally accept it: you’re going to have to make a beer run. So you hop in your old school Jeep Wrangler, throw on your shades and make your way to the closest 7-11. As some shitty Katy Perry song blares from your blown out speakers, you gun it down the two-lane road to the promised land of drunkenness. That’s when you see it just over the hill. Some old fucking Oldsmobile with a handicapped license plate puttering along at about 15 MPH. This shit is not going to fly. You can’t fucking pass because there’s a shitload of traffic coming in the other direction, so you do the next best thing. Ride this old fuck’s tail. As you nearly touch his bumper, he doesn’t get the picture and stays on the road. You lay on the horn and start screaming shit like, “Get off the road Gramps!” and “The grave yard is the other way, old-timer!” As he finally pulls to the side of the road, you pass him – it looks as though he’s been crying. Good – that’s what he gets for slowing you down. As you roll by, you shout out, “Driving won’t make your grandkids call you! Turn in your license, old man!” Then you give him the fucking finger. It’s not your fault he ended up in tears - you’re a bro. It’s in your fucking blood. You love aggressive driving.
Bros fucking own the road. This is not only because they are rich as shit, but it’s because they are the best fucking drivers in the world. I mean seriously, what other group of people are better drivers than bros? Women? Please – they are lucky bros even allow them to drive. Don’t even get me started on foreigners driving – they are the fucking worst. This is due to the fact that all the “cars” in their home countries have tails. Anyways the point is that because bros are such fucking amazing drivers, this entitles them to a shitload of respect on the road. By respect, I mean if you see a bro coming, you better fucking get out of his way. If not, said bro is entitled to use his car as a weapon. “But NYB, isn’t that dangerous?” Maybe for you, bitch. Learn to fucking drive or get off the road.
Bros all know that the speed limit is just a fucking suggestion for shitty drivers. The faster you fucking go, the more bro cred you earn. But anyone can fucking say, “I was going like 120 in a 35,” so how do you prove it? By getting a fucking ticket. Sure, the fine sucks but your parents will pay for that shit, so the bigger the better, right? Bros treat their speeding tickets like fucking war medals. Bros love saying shit like, “Dude, I just got like a $300 ticket for going 90 in a school zone.” This is usually followed by a shitload of fist pounds and chest bumps, not to mention all the drinks your bros will buy you since you just got fucked over by the pigs.
So, to all you fucking bro-haters out there, the next time you decide to go for a drive to “see the autumn colors,” be prepared. If you see a bro barreling down the road behind you, pull over, avoid eye contact, and wave him by. It’s our fucking road – you’re just driving on it.