Tuesday, October 27, 2009

#85 Aggressive Driving

It’s Wednesday afternoon. You’re fucking pissed off. After yelling at your parents for a half hour you hung up on them. For some reason, they are not buying the idea that books cost $3,000 this semester. Fucking bro-haters. After that abortion of a conversation you deserve a drink. You wade through the empty Natty cases lining the kitchen floor to get to the fridge, only to find a bottle of pickles and a shitload of mayonnaise. After googling, “Can you get fucked up on pickle water,” you finally accept it: you’re going to have to make a beer run. So you hop in your old school Jeep Wrangler, throw on your shades and make your way to the closest 7-11. As some shitty Katy Perry song blares from your blown out speakers, you gun it down the two-lane road to the promised land of drunkenness. That’s when you see it just over the hill. Some old fucking Oldsmobile with a handicapped license plate puttering along at about 15 MPH. This shit is not going to fly. You can’t fucking pass because there’s a shitload of traffic coming in the other direction, so you do the next best thing. Ride this old fuck’s tail. As you nearly touch his bumper, he doesn’t get the picture and stays on the road. You lay on the horn and start screaming shit like, “Get off the road Gramps!” and “The grave yard is the other way, old-timer!” As he finally pulls to the side of the road, you pass him – it looks as though he’s been crying. Good – that’s what he gets for slowing you down. As you roll by, you shout out, “Driving won’t make your grandkids call you! Turn in your license, old man!” Then you give him the fucking finger. It’s not your fault he ended up in tears - you’re a bro. It’s in your fucking blood. You love aggressive driving.

Bros fucking own the road. This is not only because they are rich as shit, but it’s because they are the best fucking drivers in the world. I mean seriously, what other group of people are better drivers than bros? Women? Please – they are lucky bros even allow them to drive. Don’t even get me started on foreigners driving – they are the fucking worst. This is due to the fact that all the “cars” in their home countries have tails. Anyways the point is that because bros are such fucking amazing drivers, this entitles them to a shitload of respect on the road. By respect, I mean if you see a bro coming, you better fucking get out of his way. If not, said bro is entitled to use his car as a weapon. “But NYB, isn’t that dangerous?” Maybe for you, bitch. Learn to fucking drive or get off the road.

Bros all know that the speed limit is just a fucking suggestion for shitty drivers. The faster you fucking go, the more bro cred you earn. But anyone can fucking say, “I was going like 120 in a 35,” so how do you prove it? By getting a fucking ticket. Sure, the fine sucks but your parents will pay for that shit, so the bigger the better, right? Bros treat their speeding tickets like fucking war medals. Bros love saying shit like, “Dude, I just got like a $300 ticket for going 90 in a school zone.” This is usually followed by a shitload of fist pounds and chest bumps, not to mention all the drinks your bros will buy you since you just got fucked over by the pigs.

So, to all you fucking bro-haters out there, the next time you decide to go for a drive to “see the autumn colors,” be prepared. If you see a bro barreling down the road behind you, pull over, avoid eye contact, and wave him by. It’s our fucking road – you’re just driving on it.

43 comments:

BigT said...

Fuckin Right. Been Driving like a bro since birth

bronavon frankenreiter said...

Shones have to be some of the worst drivers on earth. Almost as bad as old fucks in my opinion.

Broman Hammerlick said...

I have a question for all the bros. I found out that one of my purported bros has never seen the movie Swingers and did not start watching Entourage until the 4th season, thereby missing most of the episodes and still thinking it was a good show. The local bros have decided to put him on brobation and if he doesn't get his act together he may be all together exbromunicated. First, what do yall think about such a bro, and do you think we are handling the situation the right way?

Mexibro said...

bros dont have to worry about getting a ticket. If the 5-0 even have the balls to pull a bro over he will just give a warning because when he sees the bro he will know that his dad is a high-powered attorney and will rip off his head to shit down his neck.

Anonymous said...

The dude's not a bro. Everyone knows that season 2 is the best season of entourage (mainly because it is the longest). Not to mention, I am a believer that bros are born not developed. My bro tree dates back to revolutionary era, where one of the greatest bros of all time lived i.e. Thomas Jefferson.

BRObophet said...

Agressive driving is the national past time of Bros. One time a 5-0 did have the balls to pull me over saying a "Blew a Stop Sign" bullshit I rolled that bitch because I was runnin late for a blowjob appointment with some slam piece. Well anyway as I laughed in the bro-hater pigs face and told him to give me a court date he got a little annoyed. Sorry brohater he was when I showed up to court with my highpowered former-bro of a dad lawyer who happened to be good friends with the judge. By the time the hearing was over my dad had the cop apologizing for wasting my time and falsifing a police report...Bros 1 Pigs -3

brOrlando said...

Makin old people feel like shit for driving is classic bro. After one particularly shitty day at work me and my bros were headed back to the propad which we refer to as "the stabbin cabbin" cuz that's where we stab bitches. Some old timer was takin way too much time to drive their VW bug and there was traffic coming in the other lane so I couldn't pass. I decided the best thing to do was go up over the sidewalk on the right and pass. This worked to perfection. This move effectively saved me about 30 seconds of drive time. That's 30 seconds more I was able to shotgun beers that Wednesday night.

Captain Jack SparBRO said...

A cop would never even pull a bro over, as cops only pull over shitty cars (i.e. anything a soccer mom or illegal immigrant would drive) and no true bro would be seen in a shitbox like that. However, if mistakenly pulled over, a bro should never cooperate with the police. Anything short of "have YOU been drinking tonight, asshole?" or "how about I pat down your mom?" is untrue to bro code, and may make other bros question your sexuality.

Otis Allan GlazeBRO said...

My freshman year in college i was pledging fall semester. after a nice little session of getting hazed my pledge class decided to go out. like that was even a question anyways cause we're bros and thats what we do.

Anyways we goto the bar and get all fucked up. My roommate and pledge bro is puking at the bar and gets kicked out. i borrow a bros car and we head back to the house. I guess i ran over a curb or something cause next thing you know a fucking RAC (rent-a-cop) is pulling me over right in front of the house. He asks me what we have been up to (we're only 18). told him we went out and he took one look at my bro with his head slouched over and told me to get out of the car immediately.

I had to do all the stupid ass sobriety tests and then he told me he was going to give me a breathalizer. Before he could even finish the sentence i told him NOPE. Fucking loser told me to get back in the car and conversed with his other butt pirate and told me he it was my lucky day and wasnt going to give me one. Instead he wrote me a ticket for improper lane usage and told me to go and park my car in the parking lot. One thing though. We're on a one-way street and the lot was behind us. Problem you say. No fucking way cause i am a bro. I pulled away and drove off. Pigs know true Bros can drink and drive just fine....

ramBRO said...

a jeep wrangler is definitely a bro car

Anonymous said...

driving home from the cemetary after visiting my dad and grandpa's graves on fathers day (first fathers day my dad was gone) fuckin state trooper...aka biggest bro-hater of all...pulls me over and gives me a fuckin ticket...talk about a shitty day

Bro Job said...

Extra bro cred awarded if you get a cop to pull to the side of the road, then you give him the finger as you pass by. Most likely you'll even get a ticket, eventually earning you some fist pounds and chest bumps.

Anonymous said...

While its funny...I think you should substitute "old people" for "asians" or "black women". Old people fratted way harder in the 50s than we can now. You can't get mad at your grandma for being slow, she can fucking bake amazing food.

Asians and black women on the other hand are by far the WORST drivers ever. Worse than old people. Their vision or reflexes shouldn't be an issue. They are just fucking retarded behind the wheel of a car.

Moral of this: way sweeter to make fun of minorities than your grandparents.

brOrlando said...

Sorry bros.

My grandfather was the ultimate bro back in the day as I'm sure yours was as well. Everyone knows that the former bros don't drive like fuckin morons just because they are 50 years older. They still drive like they're the shit. I am only ripping on old people that were and always will be bro-haters.

Also, no bra should ever be allowed to drive btw. Bras should only be in the car when a bro is driving them and getting road dome. Or possibly if they need to go to the store to get stuff to make you a sandwich or cleaning supplies.

brostradamus said...

Ah I fucking love aggressive driving. You better believe my first speeding ticket is framed on my wall. 117 mph in a 55 mph zone while passing an 18-wheeler on the shoulder with 2 people in the car. Reckless endangerment is so bro.

Also, the other day I was flying down a back road doing about 80 mph on a straight away and some deer were going for an afternoon walk across the road. I didn't slow the fuck down. Those deer knew their role and stood still as I cruised right through the middle of the pack. Next time, those fucks are getting broller-derbied.

Austin said...

My first ticket was in a 08 Civic (bra car) 4 in the morning driving home drunk I thought it was a good idea to top off my car. Being a 4 cylinder (bitch car) it took for fucking ever to get up to a reasonable speed. Well I got to 86 in a 55 and was pulled over. Got this shit fixed of course. Then I was drunk as shit, in my G35 , I was pulled over with two hot ass twin in my car of course they were fighting over who got to blow me on the ride back to their place and who was blowing me at the house. Anyway Cop was cool (for a pig) until he saw the twins. He started harassing me, obviously because he is married and has a fat ugly wife who won’t put out for him and his kids get made fun of at school. One of the dumb shit bras was like my dad’s a firefighter, of course that didn’t help dumb bra, I looked at her and said shut the fuck up and let me handle this bitch. Then the Pig tries to give me 8 tickets, revoke my license for a fucking year, and then take me to jail... I looked at him and said really… my dad is actually the top Dr. in his field in this state, so you bet your ass my lawyer is the best money can buy. The cop shit his pants and said have a nice night. You bet your ass I tapped both hoes at their place after that wasted my time. I love being a bro

BRObophet said...

Once upon a time while I was a bro-in-training, you know those days in high school when you thought drinking 15 beers really got you fucked up and 3-somes were something you only saw in pornos,I was coming back from this cougers house. Of course she domed me up that's a fuckin given and probably when I entered BROhood. So my bro and I were driving back in my cobra mustang, yeah my dad bought it for me becauses he's rich as fuck and bros dont work because we live off our parents, and I was going 85 in a 45 on some back road. Maybe it was like the 10 beers I slammed before leaving but I thought some bro-hater was riding my ass so I sped up to a modest 105. Next thing I know that bro-hater was a state trooper and his bro-hater partner. They immediately pull me out of the car and try to field test me, BIG MISTAKE, because knowing I just entered BroHood I told them I want my attorney aka my dad. Then they tried playing good pig bad pig on me and my friend, fucking bro-haters we dont fall for that vodoo magic. Next thing you know they call for a breathalizer and threated to take my license away unless I take it, but bros dont need a license, we fuckin own the road and know that licenses are what we look at the next morning after we busted in a slam piece so we can block her on facebook when she "claims" shes pregnant, fuckin slut thats your fault not mine. So finally another cop shows up must have been a former bro or knew who my dad was because he told the others to stop bothering me because I was a bro, good thing he was a total pussy because the first 2 bro-haters ended up giving me a ticket for 105 in a 45. Yea thats framed on my wall next to my Babe Ruth signed baseball, but I took that shit to court, the judge happened to be my dad's friend again, both former bros, and i got off scott free. Bros 2 Pigs -10

mike eruzibrone said...

bros don't sweat tickets as the earlier bretheren pointed out. fuck em

mike eruzibrone said...

my alltime driving story was, I went to CO to visit a buddy in Boulder and to bag some rocky mountain slam pieces. We met twin sisters at a bar in Denver, went back to thier place and after pounding vag, I needed some food. having no car but realizing we rode over in whatever-her-name was's brand new 325i, I decided to take the bad little whores car out for an early morning snack, 120 right away on I-25 passing two fucking haters sitting eating doughnuts at a reststop - I turned the tunes up louder and took the next exit still accelerating telling those fat fucks they couldn't catch me. never saw them again, got double cheese and domed when I got back. still thinking they're going to pull her over sometime - she'll probably offer up roadhead

Marty said...

correction NYB. True bro's NEVER let bra's drive. this goes double when said bro is blackout sloshed.

Austin Browers said...

Old people fuckin suck at driving they drive way to slow for my likings.I usually tailgate the shit out of them and make them move.Thou I will say i was my bropa one time who is over 70 and he flipped off and went over a double yellow and cut another old person off in his fuckin brand new lexus tell me thats not bro points for him.

fuck bitches get money said...

bros check this out. i was youtubin' earlier today and i stumbled upon this clean mash up by an artist named... mash potatBRO. this guy seems legit. leave him some 'bro as fuck' comments. bros are the shit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zxto4vJAsOI

Mojojobro said...

I was waiting for this topic, a huge bropetition in my high school was seeing who could make it from home to school with the best time, seeing as how all the bros drove from the same rich suburb to our private school. the record for what would be for bro haters a 25-35 minute drive was 6 mins 53 seconds by a bonafide bro-king

Bro-Cal said...

One of the coolest bros I know is a CHP. He gives brohaters and bitches so much shit but never tickets a true bro. On the off duty he gets shithoused with us and slays slampieces like it's nobody's business. Once a bitch finds out he's a cop they just about instantly go down on him. The best thing he brings is immunity to the law, and not just the regular invincibrolity; we can do ANYTHING and get away with it. Sometimes instead of calling a taxi he'll call his sqaudmates to come pick our asses up and drive us + slampieces back to the bro pad. Since all his fellow pigs know us, they leave us the fuck alone on the road.

MariBro Kart said...

knock knock.

who'sdere?

uh fuckin bro! dat'swho!

What'sup bros. I love me some fast-ass out o' control drivin. Great post bros!

Anonymous said...

More fun than aggressive driving is aggressive driving while completely banged up. Getting your BMW up to 133 after you've been ripping shots of Jack all night is a decidedly good time.

Anonymous said...

Bros all know that the only real bro car is G-Class AMG mercedes.

Anonymous said...

Bros...my all-time best bro driving story was leaving high school one brotastic day to pick up some slam pieces at the bras school next town over. Some hater in a mustang (not a bro car btw) tried to flex nuts with me in an Audi S4 (ultimate bro car). So, not being able to say no to some hater i jumped on it, and before i know it im passing an unmarked cop at 125 switching lanes.
The ticket was $1000 ($500 racing, $400 speeding, $100 lane violations). Since my dad was and still is an uber bro i got out of it by going to aggressive driving class with a bunch of other bros.fucking love bro-driving

Brobin said...

Fucking right on Bro, i love bein a bro and driving as fast as i fucking can, and the ticket thing, the cops busted me doin 124, fuckin skanks, i was goin 130 they aint doin me justice, best part was fine was low as shit cause it was a hick ass state with special laws that make bros want to come in to make a better brociety to get the states rep up.

Anonymous said...

driving american muscle cars is more Bro than any foreign cars because it was made in AmeriKa...nothing gets slam pieces wetter than the sound of an american V8 and leaded fuel plus it gives you extra bro points for fucking up the enviroment and pissing off liberals in their JEW-buru wagons

Tbone said...

I was driving down the hiway last night after knockin back a case or two and watchin east bound and down with my bros, and I get in the left lane behind some slanty eyed cunt doing 70 in the 65, so I reved up my truck and rolled up on that bitches ass, I rode on her bumper for like 2 miles until she finally moved the fuck out of my way. when I passed that bitch she shot me a mean look, but I could be wrong, asians got that natural slanty eyed squint, so I flipped her off. Fuck the slut.

Anonymous said...

Who can bro top this? Last year I pregamed with an eight ounce glass of vodka--no ice. Drank more vodka on the drive there. Went to the bar with my boy and his bra. The place sucked so I just got twisted as fuck at the bar on the $1m kamikaze shots. After we left we were all so trashed that we were all sleeping on the highway on the ride home. I was going over a 100 when I smashed into the back of a police cruiser sending it off the road into the woods. I totalled my Volvo S60 and it went into the median. I was so shitfaced I tried to start the car to get away but it was dead and smoking. I was so fucked up I thought I hit a parked car on the highway. Needless to say, I got a DUI and never stopped driving and never got caught on my suspension. The next morning after my boy got me out of jail I saw my car and the cruiser that I fucked up. My boy took a pic of me in front of them with a thumbs up then we went out to start drinking on that sunny friday afternoon--->Str8-Fucking-Bro<---

Anonymous said...

Yeah,
Driving is the shit.
its my sophomore year in highschool and no one in my grade drives and if they do there fucking pussys about it.
anyways i was in waight trianing with my bro kyle.
i was tellin him much this shit sucks cause my mustang GT is in the shop and i had to mob my moms gay ass 540i he tells me dude those things are so easy to drift. i tell him no my stang is the shit to drift. now normaly drifting is a chink thing but i say fuck that. drifting is fun as shit gooks do it as an art bro do it cause it lets everone know that there sick as fuck and its fun.
nothings funner that drifing with ur bros and some slampices in the back when ur fucked up. no only does it let you drink and drive with is the shit but slam pices will pretty much rip there shit off and fuck you reverce cowgril wich will get you hella bro points and they can tell there bros.
nothings funner then drifting after a fat party.im getting off subject. anyways.
driving is the shit.

Anonymous said...

when i was a bro-in-training as a sophomore or junior in highschool me and my bros got shwasted in our parents basement off like 6 beers and proceeded to drive to a church parking lot in the middle of a blizzard just to do donuts. bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

Of course when my bros and slamps are riding somewhere, bros always sit shotgun. This one time, I was driving drunk as fuck with my bro riding shotgun with my hoe-of-the-weekend. She had to get home because her friend was locked out of her house but I dropped him off first, of course. After he left, she asked to get in the front seat, and I declined her offer. She was getting a little emotional and I finally gathered myself and proposed she could sit in the front only if she gave me roadhead. Busted in her mouth going 75 on US 55.

Anonymous said...

bitches always sit in back, even if its just a guy and a slamp.

Brodo Baggins said...

I missed the first day of drivers ed, which started on a fucking thursday, thanks to some bro hater trying to confuse everyone. I woke up on time, just didnt know it started on that thursday. While my other bros texted my dead cell phone "where the f are you?" i played need for speed, going over 200 on the highway with the Bugatti Veyon 16.4.

Thats what i call a lesson.

Anonymous said...

So, this 100% true Bros love aggressive driving. As a bro, for my high school graduation present I got a brand new Bimmer to take to school. I got a turbo-ed sedan, because I want to be able to pass porsches on the highway. Now something I enjoy on regular basis is racing rice rocket asian tuners. It's so satisfying to dominate their honda's that they spent all of their time upgrading while I just pounded bras and casually walked into a dealership and used monopoly money/My AMEX.
Now speed is one thing but I keep and Suburban in the driveway because aggressive driving continues on non-roads with many more bros/bras in the car. Best Pass job ever, hopped the sidewalk over onto parallel train tracks. blew by everyone and didn't need to stop at any lights because those only applied to the street, right? Had to go back when I heard the air-horn, cause bros don't like being paint on trains.

David Allan Bro said...

Bros learned to drive once they could see over the steering wheel so bros never fucking crash even when blacked out. If involved in an accident it some bro hater's fault because bros are fucking perfect. You better fucking believe we can handle a car better than fucking Indy car drivers even when sloshed.

Fucking pigs suck except for this one I ran into. So this slam piece is giving me road head while I got my subs blaring to the point my windows are about to blow. While driving she decides to straddle me and ride the train to pound town. Better slow down cause this could be dangerous...Fuck that! My adrenaline and testosterone is raging so get up into the triple digit mph and we pass a cop car.

He turns on his lights and pulls me over...she's still on me during all of this. Seeing I was a bro in the middle of business he came up to the window, apologized and said he would let me finish, goes back to his car and waits but tells me to stay put. After like 15 minutes he comes back doesn't ask for my license...simply gives me a high five and asks what type of speakers I got. I got a verbal warning. Why aren't all cops bros?

Anonymous said...

list of ultimate bro cars ?

brononymous said...

Fucking old guy deserved it, who does he think he is. He shouldn't have been out on the road with a bro if he didn't want to end up in tears. Like my main bro says, it takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Ali G as BROrat... Sexytime said...

fuckin love it... warning to fellow bros, the four horsemen of the apocolypse are as follows:
-old
-french
-asian
-woman

be prepared to pass them and to use your 4X4 as a battering ram when they accidentally signal one way and slowly veer into your passing lane.

Anonymous said...

On my way to chico state for some quality fuckin partyin, i went well over 100 the entire way, because im a fuckin bro and i own that fuckin road. some fuckin pig pulled me over four exits away from chico and gave me a $500 ticket. oh and if your wondering, yes i was fuckin drunk because i was pregaming like a fuckin champ. but naturally i got away with it, i fuckin love bein a bro.

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