Friday, November 13, 2009

#90 Wasting Money

It’s Sunday afternoon. You and your bros sitting around watching football and debating whether it was a retard or some guy with a hook for a hand that performed the abortion that is the Redskins season. After about an hour of arguing that gets pretty personal to the point where punches are almost thrown, you come to an agreement: not only was the abortion done by a guy with a hook, but the hook was rusty as shit AND he had Parkinson’s disease. After about a half hour of doing impressions of “Captain Shakes, M.D.,” you get bored and hungry. You yell at some slam piece from last night, who for some reason is still hanging around, to bring over some fucking chips. Like a good slam piece she runs to the kitchen but gives you the worst news you’ve heard since the day Pamela Anderson had her #69 fake tits downsized: there are no more chips. After laying into her because you ate all the chips last week, she starts to #44 cry, calls you an asshole, and storms out of the house. Mission Accomplished. It’s finally halftime, so you and your bros decide to drive to 7-11 to pick up the essentials. Everyone packs in and starts talking about how much of a bitch that fucking slam piece was being. While one of your bros goes on about how she was probably on her period and how he just doesn’t trust anything that bleeds for a week without dying – you scream out, “Stop the car, NOW.” Since everyone knows you’re a fucking bro king the driver obliges, although hesitantly at first. You jump out of the car and yell, “I have to have it.” You’re bros look at each other as if to say, “Not again.” This red Corvette is amazing and without so much as a test drive, it’s yours. “How the fuck are you going to get that home?” your bro asks. For your normal, run-of-the mill bro-hater car, this would be a dumb question, but this isn’t any typical Corvette. It’s a fucking Power Wheels. As you slowly make your way home with your knees crammed in the front seat and 20 cars lined up honking behind you, you give them the finger. That will teach those pieces of shit a lesson – you’re a fucking bro, and you fucking love wasting money.

Thanks to their #14 fathers, bros are rich as shit and therefore don’t ever have to worry about money. Obviously, bros love dropping a shitload at the bar so they can be able to tell everyone they “did some fucking damage on my credit card last night.” But spending money at the bar is not a waste of money at all – it’s an investment in great stories and getting laid. What I’m talking about is dropping cash on shit that you would never need, except for the one time it’s going to be used for a joke. The more money you spend on it, the more laughs you will probably get, and therefore the more bro points you earn. #86 Halloween is definitely a good time to drop a shitload of money for one night of hilarity. For example, I saw some guy last year at the bar that probably spent about $200 so he could dress up like a baby and have a grim reaper on his back. If you couldn’t figure it out, yeah he was a fucking abortion. I fucking love “wasting” money on eBay. Recently I’ve bought a gold chain with a huge fake diamond dollar bill sign on it, a belt buckle that has an upward arrow pointing to “The Man” and a downward arrow pointing to “The Legend,” grillz with fake diamond studs that say “PIMP,” and perhaps the most valuable asset to my name – a Tom Gugliotta 1993 Starting Lineup action figure.

Everyone knows bros have no limits – except for wasting money. Sure it’s all fun and games to spend $20 on a Transformers mask just so you can drink your beer from it all day and talk like Optimus Prime, but there is nothing funny about the biggest waste of money of all time: Charity. Bros would rather throw their fucking money away than give it to a #38 homeless person. The only time it’s ever acceptable for a bro to give to charity is if there is an open bar attached to the event. That way you can not only get your money’s worth, but also drink more than you paid. Nothing beats taking money from some phony, made-up cause like “Save Darfur,” “Feed the World,” or “Cancer Research.”

So the next time you see some shit at the store that you know would be fucking hilarious – don’t let something ridiculous like not being able to buy your family Christmas presents stop you. This holiday season give them the gift that they’ll remember – the gift of laughter. Sure your Mom might not see the humor in an XXXL Black T-shirt with "Player" written in gold, but fuck her. That's her fault. Nobody's perfect. Nobody, except of course for bros.

29 comments:

Sam Ace Brothstein said...

NYB,

Great post man, keep up the good work. Except I would like to point out that bros also like to get slam pieces to buy shit for them, thereby wasting THEIR MONEY. For instance, last week, I made a trek to Midtown loft in Dupont and got out of there without spending one god damn dime on drinks. Oh yeah, and I crushed it as soon as we got back to her place.

The Notorious B.R.O. said...

Anyone who wakes up the next day complaining about how much money they spent at the bars last night is NOT a bro.....just look at the slam piece lying next to you....Good investment.

Every weekend my Bro Jungle walks into the bar and immediately gets a round of touchdowns. Bros love touchdowns and slam pieces love watching bros throw back touchdowns. Needless to say, it tends to be a good investment for taking bras to pound town.

The Brophet said...

You and I must be long-lost Bros. I wore my Optimus Prime helmet to the Skins-Steelers MNF game last year (let us not speak of that game), got so smashed that I thought the game was over at halftime (turns out I was pretty much right), walked to my car and left my helmet there. Now some loser bro-hater is probably disgracing good ole Prime by not getting hammered while wearing it.

Brocho Cinco said...

NYB,

A Tom Gugliotta action figure is one of the most bro things I have ever heard anyone owning

ESPN 8 the BRO-CHO said...

Last night went to a charity event to hit it with some slam pieces, put in 5 dollars and came out with an Xbox 360. Obviously they saw my Bro-ness and rigged it for me.

Also Eskimo Brothers is a badass term from a greatest new bro show THE LEAGUE. If you and a bro fuck the same girl your relationship goes from being a bro to eskimo bros

Anonymous said...

Bros also love getting crazy free shit off craigslist. Me and my bros got a full sized Primal Rage arcade machine off craigslist. We brought it back and it didn't work, so we ended up getting shitfaced and throwing it into inground pool (which was filled with green water) at our (rented) house.

At the bottom of that pool is where it still lays today.

The Brophet said...

To Anonymous above,

Bros don't like suggesting topics to NYB in comments. NYB knows what bros like. He'll get to it if it's warranted.

Ashamed I'm this coherent at 4:15 am... eh.

Bro York City said...

Hell yah brodawgs, I dropped over 200 at the bar last night. Gonna do it again tonight.

By the way, what happened to the message board? That thing was really popular! LOL

Bros r the shit.

Brocephus said...

Bros-

What are your thoughts on well tequila shots? I prefer them to higher shelf liquor for this purpose, because of the faces that slam pieces make when taking them. The disgust negates the lack of quality here, but I may be alone in this boat.

Anonymous said...

On a similar note, Bros hate friends who don't love wasting money. There is nothing more annoying than the kid who says, I don't want to go to bars tonight because the beers are too expensive or the kid who says he doesn't want to pitch in for another pitcher and that we should call it a night because he isn't trying to spend more than 20 bucks at the bar. If you are keeping tabs on who owes you a dollar or two change for something, then you are not a bro. Bros know that all the money you have should go towards drinking beers and if you whine about it then you are just a bra and need to get some real money. Stop pretending to be a bro if you are a no good broke biotch.

Edward Brohands said...

Bros hate the colts...fuckin hipsters

Anonymous said...

NYB.. its my slam pieces birthday tomorrow and i was a shithead and got her a non-returnable present.. now i am getting tired of this slut and want to dump her.. how should i handle this?

Anonymous said...

NYB, I think you should add a new feature to this website. How about incorporating an "Ask NYB" section. It would be like a dear abby thing except not lame as shit as you would be giving other bros out there advice on how to be a bro king in different situations they find themselves in. Its just an idea, but Pac Man Brones definitely thinks it something worth considering to do on a weekly basis.

Bron Paul said...

Anonymous-
Your question shouldnt be what are you going to do with her? it should be what are you doing dating a girl in the first place? And buying a present for her...you sir are not a Bro!

Bros are the shit

Tony Bromo said...

Bros love gambling. Preferably on sports but also while getting shithammered off free drinks at a casino.

BROrack BRObama said...

bros dont buy presents... they steal them... and then they FUCKING BREAK THEM in front off a gay homeless person!!!!

Broseph Addai said...

Bros do not hate the colts. All these Masshole bros are just crying and bitching because their douche of a head coach lost the game for them and now the colts will win the super bowl. All you massholes can go cry and masturbate to tom brady you fucking bro hating sons of bitches.

Anonymous said...

Dude bro you need to make an iPhone app. This shit is to damn funny.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the first poster. Bros love to waste money, Bro Kings love to waste slam pieces money. Example:

Last year this slampiece that was crushing on me invited me to go to a Blackhawks game with her family. Bros love hockey, and the Blackhawks pay players like Patrick Kane, who beat the shit out of a cab driver for 20 cents, so of course I wanted to go to the game. There, of course, was a catch.

This stupid slampiece thought that because I slayed her daily as a part of a two week routine, that we were fucking 'together', and that going to the game would be a great time for me to meet her parents. Her dad, who was rich as shit, has skybox tickets. When I hear this, instead of telling her off, I come up with a ridiculously smart plan. I do this, of course, because I'm a bro and therefore genetically smarter then everyone else that's not a bro.

I get her to convince her parents to let her take all the tickets and I bring a few friends and she brings a few friends, her thinking we'd all end up getting fucking married and living on the same bro-hater culdesac or some shit... that stupid slampiece.

The rest of the story is obvious. Me and my bros get ridiculously drunk, black out, and I wake up at my bros house with 30 texts from her saying she's 'breaking up' with me and how dissappointed she was for us being so immature. So we made her waste the money on the tickets, we made her pay for concessions(including drinks) and her dad lost the season sky-box tickets.

This is what happens when a slampiece doesn't learn her place and thinks she's anything more then just that: a slampiece.

Phil said...

Even better to convince someone else to spend their money. But I agree with the larger point.

I once bought one of those organ-grinder monkeys just to have something that would throw feces at the people I don't like.

The BROfessor said...

Agreed...

Bros love wasting money, but that doesn't mean they only love wasting their own money. Serious bro points can be awarded by wasting bro-haters money...

For example my bros and I rolled deep into this bar one night looking for some quality slampieces. As we approach the packed bar I see a golden opportunity... Some douchebag in an Ed Hardy T-Shirt gets up to go to the bathroom, leaving a bar seat open and his unsuspecting girlfriend for me to prey on. As soon as I sit down this chick tells me that her fake tanned guido overseer has the spot...I look her right in the eyes and smirk as I order some beers for the bros. Right before I get the drinks her loser boyfriend returns and tries to start shit, wrong move buddy.
6 of my bros descend on this loser and begin berating him as we push him away from the bar... he tells me to step away from his girl before something bad happens, so I respond:
"yeah and who the fuck are you"

"I'm Nick fucking Johnson asshole"

As my new best friend Nick gets escorted out of the bar by my big bro, who happens to be the bouncer, I look at my bros and there is an unspoken consensus...its time to rage.

We approach the bar high fiving and reliving the best moments of #80 giving losers shit, as I order shots of tequila for everyone within earshot and beers for all my bros. The bartender asks if ive got a tab and I respond.."Yeah its Johnson"...
Being that we are bros and love getting fucked up we rack up a $400 bar tab on our buddy Nick's card and at the end of the night are walking out the door with some quality puss.

Moral of the Story...

Dont Fuck with Bro's

Sincerely,

The BROfessor

Anonymous said...

THE LEGEND OF A CERTAIN W&L BRO SPENDING THE 2008 SUMMER AT LSE PREVAILS IN BRO FOLKLORE FOR WASTING MONEY. IF YOU DON'T KNOW, THEN YOU ARE NOT A BRO.

Anonymous said...

i'm actually a girl and LOVE this site, keep up the good work :)

Anonymous said...

im a girl and i'm OBSESSED with this site
and the redskins are my fucking life
growin up potomac lifestyle bitches

Anonymous said...

Thanks to the father and the black card he gave me with my name on it, I went out and bought some old piece of shit limo and decked out the inside. No questions were asked during the purchase, because no one questions a bro with a black card.

What do I use this bropiece for, the pledges drive me to class and anywhere else I demand in it, and it's great for banging slam pieces in.

Was bored and couldn't think of anything else to do, so spent my father's money as stupidly as possible, just like any bro.

Thanks Dad.

Anonymous said...

Best way to waiste money ever? go to the police auctions with your bros and buy there old beat ass pursuit cars, they got the big Modular v8 so they are lots of fun, and you can play bumper cars with them. when you're done, fucking leave em in a field or some shit (which helps us #57 Not care for the Enviroment). Me and my bros do this every year after the annual police auction. best 500$ i have ever spent.

Broku said...

Me and my bros spent $500 on frog, panda and gorilla suits for one party and found them burnt the next afternoon.

I love this site. I love being a bro

Anonymous said...

I once bought a fur coat at the thrift store that went all the way down to my feet for $100 to wear to my bros party, ive never wore it again but everytime someone tries to throw it out i put it on and wear it around the house and talk like a pimp

Anonymous said...

Samurai sword off ebay.

Food just tastes better when it's been sliced with a 4-foot sword.

Added bonus was "impressing" the neighbors with my mad skills.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Copyright 2010 Bros Like This Site LLC