It’s gameday. After a successful #68 tailgate where you funneled beers out of a beer bong, dirty parking cone, and some guy from Walter Reed’s prosthetic leg, you are finally in fighting shape. You’re at the point where you really can’t stand and definitely don’t remember who your squad is playing, but you have been giving the #26 opposing fans in the parking lot shit for the past hour. After a couple games of dizzy bat you #48 throw up all over your grill – it doesn’t fucking matter though, you already ate. After all the fucking bro-haters start to yell at you for “ruining” the tailgate, you give them the fucking finger and start making your patented jerking off gesture. Advantage: you.
Your bros say you’re going to miss kickoff so you stumble to your upper deck seat. Since you’re a bro and rich as shit you usually get club seats, but you decided to “give back” to the community and get the spirit flowing with all the fucking poor people. Even though you are in the upper deck that doesn’t mean you can’t #77 heckle the shit out of the other team. You target the wide receiver who just got a DUI and start screaming at him about how he could have killed some kids, even though you fully plan on #23 drinking and driving immediately following the game. As you are halfway through your obscenity laden rant, a woman in her 40’s taps you on the shoulder. She’s wearing the opposing team’s jersey. “We’re not doing that today.” What the fuck is she talking about? Of course we’re fucking doing this shit. Then you see her 8 year old child who lets you know it’s his “first game.” Normally, you would just say fuck it and go with your patented jerking off move again, but for some reason, you decide to just take it easy. For now. As the game goes on the beers keep flowing, and by the 4th quarter your squad is up 2 until their kicker puts one through the uprights to take the lead with six minutes left. Again, you feel a tap on your shoulder – it’s the kid. “You suck!” he says while his mother laughs. That’s it. You stand up and get in his grill – “Listen, you little white trash piece of shit – I don’t see a ring on your fucking mother’s hand leading me to believe she’s some trailer park whore.” As the boy begins to cry and the mother is speechless a slow clap starts from the surrounding fans. With any other group of people in society, they would be looked at as a villain, but you’re a bro and it’s your god given right to curse. Take your bow, hero - you earned it.
Bros fucking love cursing. They do it all the fucking time. Back in the day there were those words that you would always get in trouble for saying, so obviously, you better fucking believe young bros said them any chance they fucking could Bros are fucking rebels.. I mean, what’s so wrong with curse words anyway? They serve so many fucking awesome purposes. ‘Shit’ and ‘Fuck’ could literally refer to anything, but bros always know what other bros are saying when they use the words. This is obviously because they are the smartest people on the planet. Let’s take a look at a couple of reasons why bros love using these magical words.
Great Placeholders – Bros are fucking amazing pubic speakers. They god damn well better be if they want to tell a big group of people all the crazy shit they did #1 last weekend. But a major rule in public speaking is never say the word, “Um.” You better fucking believe bros got that shit covered. Instead of saying that shit which makes you sound dumb as fuck, bros just replace it with “Fucking.” For example, “So, I was downtown and I, fucking, hit up some bar, and we fucking, we fucking, we got pretty fucking hammered. Then, fucking, fucking Thompson got into a fight. And we were fucking, fucking fighting!” Now, not only do you sound intelligent as fuck, but cool as shit at the same time.
Direct and Effective – There’s a lot of shit that I fucking hate – #89 hipsters, #45 clubs, and hearing Pam Ward announce College Football games are just a few. But if there’s one thing that really gets to me, it’s people who think they are smart as shit just because they have a big vocabulary. Please, give me a fucking break. Let’s take a look at an example:
Bro-hater: “I’d love to take you out to a glorious night of dancing under the waning moon-light, followed up by strawberries and champagne.”
Bro: “Let’s get our fuck on.”
Honestly, go say that shit to ten girls and I guarantee that at least 9 will bang the bro. The other is probably a fucking lesbian and therefore worthless – unless she’s hot.
So the next time you “catch yourself” about to drop an ‘F bomb’ in front of your Grandma, let that shit flow. Not only will you not be betraying your bro roots – but she’ll think you’re cool as fuck.